Mitchelle

Hi there 

My name is Mitchelle Mmathabo Mabunda. I am a young, beautiful, South African woman, who was diagnosed with the HI virus on the 04th of May 1999. 

Please allow me to share with you a story that I sometimes also find difficult to believe.

I have always been a person who draws people near me, because of my smile, my eyes mostly because of my personality. I was a very jolly child who always attracted people whether family or friends. One day I was attracted to this tall dark and hansom man who became close to me and who I later found out that he was one of the guys I grew up with and school with at primary school.

We fell in love and day in and day out our love grew stronger and stronger. But one day I came to realize that, that love he had soon turned into jealousy, we felt he owned me and he wanted no one to speak to me, anyone to stand next to me, no one to laugh with me especially if they were male. I didn’t understand until, he smacked me on my face one day and I didn’t believe. He apologized and I played long to forgive but eventually I did. This became a regular thing. He wanted me to stay in the yard and move only when I go home or to his house.

This went on until one day I went to our local clinic and because of abdominal pains. The nurse there checked me for STI’s and told me I had a STI and I needed to bring my boyfriend with for treatment. I told him but he refused to come. Infact, when I told him I had an STI, he asked me to show him how it looks like, he said he doesn’t know what it is. When I showed him, he tackled me, through me on the bed and he had forceful sex with me, without a condom. Because I was afraid of him I didn’t tell anyone, I kept it to myself for a long time, my mother didn’t even know I am having sex. This went on until I fell pregnant.

I had to drop out of school, I was doing grade 7 and was about to write my final exams. I managed to write the exams and passed but I was going out of the school. Before that I had told my mother that I missed my monthly menses twice in a row, she told my aunt who told me to get an abortion because my future would be destroyed. I refused and had my baby. But the fourth of May 1999 and I had my labor pains and my mom told me the baby was coming I was in pain but was excited for this person I was going to meet, a person who has been inside of me all nine months and couldn’t wait to breastfeed my baby, I didn’t even know if the baby was a girl or a boy.

And yes after pains and pains, she way has born my beautiful angel. I was so happy to meet her, she was hungry, she just wanted to eat and I thought I’ve been waiting for this for along time. So I prepared myself layed on the side and I tried to breastfeed but immediately a nurse told me to stop and she looked at my file and she went out called the doctor and the doctor told me to wait and he called the counselor who asked me if I took an HIV test, I said yes and she told me I was HIV positive and I cannot breastfeed my baby because I’ll infect my baby.

She told me people don’t normally survive and I was going to die. She gave me a few tips on how to look after myself but was telling me to prepare for my death. What happened thereafter was amazing. At 18 months, I tested my baby she was HIV negative and I thought even if she didn’t take any AZT she can still live. I was over the moon with joy that at least I didn’t infect my baby. But my heart was painful that, I waited so long to breastfeed her and I could not.

Till today I’ve been waiting for that day that the counselor said this virus will kill me but it just keeps on moving further and further away that near. My CD 4 count is 567 and my viral load is 450. So I don’t see it coming anytime soon.

I’ve been using herbal products, which have been keeping me well, ever since people think that I’m on ARV’s but no I’m just looking after myself really good.

So, I am happy to be alive and that’s just the way I will just keep it that way. I hope people will learn from my experience and would welcome any comments and words of encouragement from all.

With love

AVERT.org: Whilst it is possible some herbal products may help, there is no evidence to suggest they do and they certainly should not be used as a replacement for Anti Retroviral Therapy.

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Positive mother in South Africa

Hi

I just wanted to share my story with the hope of changing someone's life who is currently living with the virus. I was diagnosed in 1994 when I applied for life insurance - you will not even begin to imagine the shock that I experienced upon hearing the news.

I only shared the news with two people (my then boyfriend who seemed very supportive and not at all shocked by the news - I only realized later that he probably knew about his status - in any event this was not important to me at that particular moment) and the gentleman who sold me the insurance.

After the initial shock I went into complete denial - you see I chose to ignore the fact of my status - even though at the back of my mind I knew - over the years on several intervals I will re-test ‚just to make sure‚ and the result was still the same. I chose to just continue with my life and pretend like nothing has changed.

I did some readings on the virus and the literature I read was not inspiring as it spoke about the toxicity of the treatment, the stages of the virus and so on, which frankly was not something that I wanted to hear at that time. Needless to say I did not bother doing any viral load and CD4 count tests; after all for all intents and purposes I was healthy.

Years went by and I read and heard of people dying of the disease, listened to peoples perceptions about the disease, saw people getting ill from the disease and still chose to be in denial about my status - of course from time to time in my alone moments I will think about the virus living within me - so I did what I thought was best; surrounded myself with people all the time, went out partying, had lots of friends (in reflection I realize that it was my way of trying to escape what was happening to me).

Even when I had an odd cough or a feeling of being unwell I will not share my status with my Doctors for fear of what I will hear them say (you have full-blown AIDS), never mind my circle of friends or family. This continued until 2005 when I had what seemed to be a cold, which my doctor diagnosed as broncho pneumonia (of course I still did not tell him about my status) - the treatment did not work of course and I continued to have this cough and the doctor then suggested we do an HIV test - I still did not tell him that I had tests done years ago of which all came back positive - I think I was still hoping for my miracle. The tests did come out positive and he also did a CD4 count test which was at 35. He then advised me to immediately go on ARV treatment and I agreed - I still did not tell him though that I had known for over 10years of my status - I suppose at this stage it did not matter much.

After prescribing the ARVs we spoke of the possibility of side effects and the importance of taking the tablets as prescribed, the next milestone was to go to the pharmacy to hand in my prescription and feel the discomfort of having to see the pharmacists giving me the discreet look and wondering what the heck they were thinking.

Having survived that episode the next was to get home open up my package and read about possible side effects of the various tablets I was given - to say that I was scared out of my mind will be putting it lightly - then came night fall when I had to take my tablets - within an hour of taking the tablets I started hallucinating, then I got really scared - I jumped out of my bed went into the bathroom looked at myself through the mirror and the sight of what I saw nearly drove me insane - my face looked puffy, my eyes looked liked I had seen a ghost, the right side of my face was shaking and I thought I was going to have a stroke.

I had the courage to get into the shower and all the while I was thinking about my two children - this is when I started to pray like I never prayed before - after taking the shower I woke up my daughter who was 16years old at the time and asked her to wake up our neighbor to drive me to the hospital. (By the way I had already found the strength to tell my daughter about my status and had assured her that I was going to be ok). So for her to see me in this state I cannot even imagine what that did to her - but the worst was still to come.

My neighbor rushed me to hospital - he did not have a clue what was happening to me - by the time I got to the hospital I was literally going insane even though I still had a sense of what was happening around me - I tried to speak but what came out of me was just gibberish and I thought I had completely lost it. The doctors thought that I probably had meningitis (since I also bought with me my ARVs - at least I still had the sense to do that) - the test came back negative however. The next test they did was TB which came back positive - it turned out that the first doctor misdiagnosed me (even though I do not blame him as I did not share my full medical history with him) and that I was having an adverse reaction to the ARVs due to the TB.

The next few days were the worst as I continued to hallucinate and have strange dreams that I was dead and had said my goodbyes to my children - it was later that my daughter told me that I was just lying there in that hospital bed and stared blankly into space - and that one day I then told her about where to find my last will and testament, my account details and who to speak to about my funeral arrangements - to me all of this happened when I was already dead since in the state I was in, I experienced myself saying my goodbyes after having died. Other things I said did not make sense according to the nurses who take great care of me - other things were amusing and so on.

When I began to get my sense back there was one thing that was clear in my mind and that is I NEEDED TO TELL PEOPLE CLOSE TO ME ABOUT MY STATUS. I first spoke to my children to make sure that they were ok with my decision as it was bound to affect them (my son was six at the time so I explained what I could to him without scaring the hell out of him). Once my daughter gave me the assurance that she was ok with my decision, the next step was to tell my family - fortunately for me my uncles wife is a nurse and she told me that I can beat this disease - even though I know that they were worried about me seeing that I was already lying in a hospital bed and had lost a significant amount of weight due to TB they still offered me support and assurance, the next was to tell my colleagues and friends and decided to write out an sms message and send it out to everyone who was on my phone list - this of course created shock waves around the circles of people that I know - what followed though was an amazing outpouring of love and support - even though most people around me still don't feel comfortable talking about my status - I know through their hugs and smiles that I have their support - there are those that came to me later and told me that I was an inspiration in their lives.

Once I had done this, the next step was to take a decision to LIVE- so this time around I spoke to my doctor, I read a lot of stories on people living with the virus, treatment options, I did a lot of research because finally I realized that ignoring the disease wont make it go away.  The website that gave me a lot of information about the virus was www.thebody.com

I still had to take my TB treatment for six months before I could resume with my ARV treatment - this was also a struggle in the first two weeks whilst my body adjusted to the treatment and I had a few side effects but within no time my body had gotten used to the medication.

Once the TB treatment was complete and I was ok, then there was still the ARV treatment (this time the doctor decided to change my prescription from the original one - he still explained to me the possible side effects and what I can do to minimize the side effects.) The day that I had to take my ARVs was again needless to say very scary and with the exception of insomnia there was little side effects, when the insomnia continued for a few weeks my doctor referred me to a psychiatrist who prescribed something that helped me sleep without interfering with my ARVs. Two months later I decided to stop taking the sleeping tablets and started adjusting myself to sleeping without them - a few meditation tapes helped a lot during time until I could fall asleep without any help.

Six months later I had to go back to the doctor for my bi-annual check-up and CD4 and Viral Load test - the results came back and my viral load was <50 and my CD4 count was 120 - the feedback I received from my doctor also helped - ‚I think I am his hero.

Since then there was no doubt in my mind that I had to live and I know that to be able to live positively with the virus is to make correct choices everyday - I do not have the stress of hiding my status from people who love me - I have a circle of support around me - how blessed can a person be.

I am happy to report that almost three years later my CD4 counts is rising (around 400 now) and my viral load is still <50. I am able to talk openly with my daughter about the virus and answer any question that she might have - I encourage my friends to test and know their status and I lead a normal and happy life because I CHOOSE TO LIVE!!!

My only struggle now is to loose some weight - I had initially lost a lot of weight when I contracted TB - and have since gained a whole lot more (in 2005 when I was hospitalized I weighed 70kgs and today I weigh 95kgs) what makes me laugh is even hinting that I need to loose weight to my friends, colleagues and family is met with resistance and comments such as ‚you are fine the way you are‚ I guess it will still take time to educate people that losing weight for an HIV+ person is good for them; since there are a lot of associated complications that one should not have when living with the virus such as diseases associated with obesity.

The other day I was talking to my immediate boss about getting on a program to lose some weight and you should have seen the horror on his face - it is amazing to see that people still equate losing weight with being sick - especially when they know that you are HIV+.  The other matter is how people around you worry even if you get a common cold; I know that it is because they care about me but it does bother me that people start panicking every time I as much as sneeze or just suggest that I am not feeling well - just the other day I decided to take a two days off work since I was feeling exhausted and you will not believe the number of phone calls and messages I received from friends and colleagues enquiring if I was okay - my daughter tells me that I should be grateful that so many people care about me and stop complaining!

So to all my family, friends and colleagues please know that I am grateful and appreciate the love and support that you give me and I love all of you.

To my children, how can I begin to thank you- no words are adequate to describe the respect and admiration I have for you- especially my daughter you are my hero; I am glad you are my children and everyday I thank God that HE chose the two of you to be in my life knowing that you will one day be an inspiration.  From the bottom of my heart THANK YOU!

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LRM

Hi all,

I'm a 35 year old single mom to a wonderful boy.  On the 4th March 2008 on the eve of my son's birthday my best friend accompanied me to have my HIV test done and thank God that she came with me. The result came back positive, I was "ready" for anything, because somehow since my boyfriend mentioned that we should get tested, I was worried, I deliberated about it and eventually I came to the realisation that whatever the results I'll have to live with the outcome.  I didn't think that I would be positive but somehow the thought did cross my mind.  My most recent ex-boyfriend said he was admitted to hospital and he was told that he had TB.  That bothered me a while since we were having unprotected sex after just talking about it saying that we will look after each other if  we were ever HIV positive.  Unfortunately at that time I was going through a rough time in terms of relationships.

 I am a typical comfortable young woman who had everything but no man in her life.  I have a good paying job, drive my own fancy car and have a home for my son, but that unfortunately is not really enough if you don't have that "significant other".  So I met this man, thought I was in love, he told me what I needed to hear at that time and in retrospect he met me at the "right" time for him and "wrong" time for me. I was vulnerable, and so I fell into the "trap". Now I am HIV positive.  I am not angry at him, I am not angry at myself, I am not blaming him, I am not blaming myself, so who am I angry at and who do I blame for this – NO ONE.  For me being angry at someone or blaming someone is not going to change the fact that I am HIV positive.  What I need to do now is to educate myself about this virus as much as I can so that I can live a long, healthy, very prosperous and productive life for as long as I can.  I believe I am not in denial, somehow recently I had started developing this attitude that if you can't change it then don't bother or waist your time, learn to live with it.  This was about life in general for me – e,g, if a child has done something wrong, screaming or smacking the child will not change what has happened, but talking and making the child understand the wrong doing should help, so don't scream nor smack the child.

Everyday I talk to myself and remind myself that it is ok, everything is ok.  I can't wait to get my CD 4 count and viral load results because I feel that is more daunting that the fact that I am HIV positive.  For me knowing my status will help me live a better life, look after I better, educate myself and look after my family better – my son.  I am reading stories from people who are living with this virus, people who have lived with this virus unknowingly for years and that is so encouraging because I am lucky that I have found out as soon as I have and it gives me the opportunity to do something about my condition.  Educate, educate and more educate myself and hopefully one day share my knowledge with other people – especially my family and friends first before I go out to the world.  I have learnt so much about this virus and how ignorant or uneducated people are about this virus and it is so sad that I had to be positive for me to want to learn.  And then again one never sees the need until the opportunity presents itself.  I knew as little as lot of people know about HIV and I thought I knew a lot.

 Since my discovery I have not told anyone and I don't see the need to.  The only people who know is my friend and myself and for now that is enough.  I am coping well, she is as supportive as can be and I am ok with that.  I know the time will come when I have to tell my boyfriend, but now is not the time, and when the time comes I will be "ready".

 Thanks for the wonderful website.  This is a wonderful platform for a lot of us who would like to talk about this but don't know to whom.  Someone anonymous, someone who is in your shoes and someone who will understand without judging you or mocking you.  Will keep you posted about my results. I hope to get them in this week still, I am living positively positive and it might sound funny but I am glad I found out, not that I am positive but that I know my status and I can do something about it, NOW.

 LRM
 

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Stephy

Hi, im Stephy, 28yrs from NIgeria. i guess the saying goes "it happens even to the most carfull people" its actually true. if any one told me i could get inffected with HIV, i'll argue with the person endlessly but it so happend that i was tested HIV+ afterall in October 16th 2007. despite all the safety measures, never have sex without condom, no oral sex, always careful when kissing and never kissed when i or my guy had a bruise on the mouth, made sure i took all the preventive measure to avoid being HIV+ yet i was tested positve (that's a bomb for me) i never bargained for that. just one careless mistake, had sex without protection and i was tested HIV+tive.

I fell very ill for like 2months with prolonged daheorea i lost a lot of weight when i decided to go for HIV test and was found positive it knocked me off my feet but i had to be strong i demanded for a second test and a third confirmation test because i didnt believe the first test and was confirmed HIV+tive. i took a long walk to where only heavens knew because i was out of this world then, i thought all was gone my life future and plans all drained (all thanks to my guy). i cried for several hours i got more ill and didnt want to disclose the news to anyone. i felt like just dying at that moment and asked a lot of questions; why me? how did it happen? what would become of me? for how long do i have to live?

my guy got me infected he confessed to me that he's positive (after a great deal of confrontation) he told me he was tested positive 4months ago but didnt know how to tell me less he losses me by the time he discloses his HIV status to me so he decided to keep to himself and find an appropriate day and time to tell me of his status when the time is right. that never helped but rather resulted neagtively because i felt so hurt and cheated. as if it wasnt enough he later broke the ralationship with me and left the town to where i never knew. up till date i've not heard from him his number stop going through anytime i tried to call him, his e-mail address wasnt active any more. im so hurt and lonely he reaped me of my future and abscounded in the thin air.

my whole life is devastated untill i choose to tell my tell my sister whom i confide in she encouraged me and gave me support, she took me to a clinic where i got medication and counseling i still havent gotten over the trauma. i at times isolate myself from people even my brothers and sisters, i cry my head off, asking questions that i dont seem to have any answers for. im yet to tell my brothers and sisters with the fear of stigmatization and rejection. my whole world is crumbling down, i need some one whom i can share exeriences with a friend i can confide in someone who'll take me as i am, am so scared of the world.

all i want to do now is try to retrieve my steps, get myself together and move on if life worth living positively.

i hope a lot of young girls like me would learn a lesson from my mistake "just once and got infected" so never you trust any one not for once not even your self kos you might be carried away and do something wrongly and before you realiase it it's irreversable so becareful always.

Thank you.

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Renita

I always read these stories and was to afraid to tell mine but if it can help someone than that would be great. Mine started about 2 years ago. I was in another state when I started feeling ill, came back home and continued to not feel great,during all this I started losing weight, went to the hospital the first time they gave me some zithromax told me it was the flu, and home I went.

About 2 weeks later back again because now my chest was hurting and still was ill and still dropping a lot of weight. They told me ok were going to admit you and run some tests, give you a x-ray and then we will go from there so when the doctor that was handling my care in the hospital asked me are you hiv I said no, they assigned me an infectious disease doctor because they tought it was TB. Later that day the test results came back and the doctor came in (infectious disease doctor) he closed the door because they thought that I had TB I thought he was coming to tell me that it was TB. He said do you know that your cd4 is -25 I said what does that mean he said maam your hiv+. I laid in that hospital bed, and cried, and cried, and cried.

When my husband came in I had to tell him because I was confused hurt and scared about what I just was told. When I told him I though he was either gonna kill me or leave me but either way he had to be told. He never judged me I never judged him but they were all kinds of questions that I wanted to ask because we had just gone through this awful phase of our marriage where he was having little secrets behind my back dealing with other women we got that straightened out but there was still my hiv.

After a few days in there I Had found out that I had PCP, fluid around my lungs, a mass on my lungs, I went from a 287 to 200 lbs in about 3 months. I had a very hard time in the hospital, I was giving a chest tube the 1st one pigtailed it had to be taken out and redone then the next one worked just fine I started showing signs of improvement but when I went home that Friday that Monday I was right back in the hospital because when they took the chest tube out it ended up getting air in it and my lung collapsed, actually my lung collapsed about 2 times.

The 3rd week in the hospital was when it really took a toll on me I had a procedure done to me when they take the chest tube pieces out and shoot this fluid in the tube that's hanging out of your chest and they tried to adhere my lung to my rib cage and the doctor that did it told me that this probably will not help you he said that the condition that my body was in that I probably would not live 1 year I was so scared because when he did that procedure he left and I was stuck to deal with the awful pain that followed. The next day he came back to pat me on the shoulder and said that he wished me the best.

I thank God that he helped me through that period because I thought my life was over I have 3 kids and they are all negative (thank God) but it goes to show you that when you think everything is fine it can come at you at anytime. Just have faith and believe he will help you through because he can do all things and that's how I got thru it.

My hubby is fine he helps take care of me because I still have some good days and some bad. We told his mother and of course ladies she blamed me for giving it to her son and that's when all things came in the open when we told he we were at her house and she just started asking me what did do who did I commit adultery with and that's when my hubby came clean on some things that I never knew. Still I didn't give up on him he asked me for forgiveness I did it but I was a very hard task because while I was home taking care of the kids and cleaning washing clothes and cooking he was doing something else but it was done and over with and I couldn't bring it back. So we moved forward with our life we are both doing well he a lot better than me when I catch a cold I sometimes get really sick but I'm making it.

Ladies just because you are married doesn't mean anything I actually thought that I was safe and I was sick.

Thanks for listening

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Veritee

Where to start? We are both in our late 50s.  We are British, live in the UK, have been married for over 21 years,  but have known each other for about 30 years We have been sexually faithful to each other for all those years and have one daughter who is now 18. We only have one child because I have difficulties conceiving.

Last week we never would have thought HIV would be in our lives - how  wrong can you be?

But I now find I am HIV positive, so is my husband and my daughter may be - we will find out next week if she is too.

I had the test because my husband of 21 + years has been very ill and eventually had a HIV test that proved to be positive last Friday ! He had the test because he has been unwell for quite a while  and over the last 4 months or more become very ill with weight loss infections etc and everything else to explain why he continued to have so many infections and was so unwell and thin, night sweets, fever etc had been tested for.

I eventually insisted on the HIV test last week as I was so worried I went with him to his doctor and demanded he was tested for HIV, although his doctor seemed to think it was unlikely - but it was the only thing I could think of that explained his symptoms and continuing ill health.

HIV is comparatively rare in the very rural part of the UK we live, especially amongst heterosexual people so this is why no one had considered this as a cause of my husbands illness - except me!! I thought it a very remote possibility because he has worked for many years in various places in Africa and South America etc as a marine engineer. And it seems I was right as he is HIV positive!!!!!!!

He got these earth shattering results on Friday 18th January 2008. We were both in total shock - still are!

But it got much worse for us on Wednesday my husband was admitted to hospital, he is still there and is very ill as his HIV and opportunistic infections has gone untreated for a long time and he now has PCP pneumonia as well as other difficulties. Then on Thursday I was told I was HIV positive too. Thankfully I am still well. I have the CD4 and viral load tests next Wednesday, so I do not know my state of health yet, but I do currently feel reasonably well except for hot and cold flushes and a few other minor problems.

My husband is a seaman working at sea for more than 26 years in countries like Africa and south America, Thailand etc. He is away from home at least 7 months of every year in about 2 to 3 month blocks.

He is heterosexual - with no doubt that he is not - has never used any intravenous drugs and says he has not has sex 'ever' with any women (or men) while away at sea, or with anyone but me since we got together many, many years ago. I  believe him as sex has never been his priority but I am a realist so it could have happened, but I do believe him when he says it did not as he someone who NEVER takes any risks.

He has had small procedures - dentistry, a drip in Caracas, Venezuela for an allergic  rash , stitches - at local medical facilities i.e Malabo, Nigeria, Brazil, Thailand, over the years where his HIV infection could have happened - he could only have got HIV from theses medical procedures! 

It really does not bother me how he got it, in terms of apportioning blame - I do not blame him whatever way he got HIV.

Right now I have a husband seriously ill in hospital - he will not be home for some time  - and a few days ago we did not even know either of us had HIV.

So it is really great to find stories from other women here - thank you all so much for sharing your stories.

I have read all the stories on here and my heart goes out to those mothers with such young children. Our child is 18 years old and of course will be able to look after herself if we are ill, so my situation does not compare to those of you with young children, I am just so sorry and hurt for you all.

We do not know as yet if she is also HIV positive! We are told it is 50/50 whether she is. She has a test on Wednesday.

For myself as her mother the worst thing would be if she is positive too.

Veritee

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Francis, NYC

Hi there! My name is francis and I am 24 I met this amazing guy in the beginning of last year of 2007 and we fell in love. Everything was so perfect until I got pregnant n the doctors had to run some tests. So they found out that I was HIV positive. We were shocked and scared,They found out that I am the one that is positive and my boyfriend was negative. After couple of months things became more and more complicated. My boyfriend was trying to be supportive but he was also hurting.

We decided that we are not going to tell our families it will be our little secret but the pain was accelerating and he told his family. I was so frustrated his family where not so friendly with me anymore, because I have came with a deadly disease to their son. I also didn't know what to do, weather to broke it off or to stay I was confused and guilty.

We tried to be intimate but things were not the same. A few months later I losted my job at stop & shop. The same time I was leaving my gay coworker bruce came to me and said he was sick. I didn't know what to say cause I didn't have legs to stand on.

Bruce went for a test, thanks God he was negative although there was a beat in me that wanted him to be positive, thinking maybe if we are both positive things will go back to normal. He was so excited, I didn't like it but what else I could have done. I was devastated, something was dying inside me, asking myself what kind of a man could be gay and not be hiv+. Bruce kept on saying he is not going to stop being my friend but if I didn't want to he will be glad to leave me alone.

The same time my ex friend joanna and racheal was laughing behind my back so I stop being there friends.

To cut the story short I was busy making a research on how  can I get pregnant in my condition, I really wanted a child and I also thought if I can get pregnant now me and my friend kayce will have a child around the same time.

My life was not a walk in park. I was under a lot of stress. But by God's grace I had my family and friends.

The guys I date I know they  with me cause they feel sorry for me. I try to cope but its not easy my family is dysfunctional I cant plan anything with them. My life is a mess but I'm still alive they thought I will be dead by now so they can live happily ever after. I'm stronger than before. Its a battle to fight for.

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Zimasa

Hi there! My name is Zimasa I met this amazing guy in the beginning of the year and we got married in November 1998. Everything was so perfect until my baby was born 2000. My baby was sick so the doctors herd to run some tests. So they found out that my baby was HIV positive. We were shocked and scared, so they wanted us to do the test aswell. They found out that I am the one that is positive my husband was negative. After couple of months my baby died and things became more and more complicated. My husband was trying to be supportive but he was also hurting.

We decided that we are not going to tell our families it will be our little secret but the pain was accelerating and he told his family. I was so frustrated because I was a new bride in this family and now this, the attitude changed towards me my in-laws where not so friendly with me anymore, because I have came with a deadly disease to their son. I also didn't know what to do, weather to go home or to stay I was confused and guilty, I thought it was not going to be like this I thought if it come out we will be all infected. I knew that I am positive but I wanted all before I could live.

Everything turned against me, my husband didn't  go for his second test. My home was no longer a home it was a house my husband came home late and if his home he would spend more of his time with his cell phone. it was so frustrating. We tried to be intimate but things were not the same. After couple of months my husband told me he need to have some one that is going to give him children. I didn't know what to say cos I didn't have legs to stand on.

My husband is got a girlfriend and he went for a 2nd test, thanks God he was negative although the was a beat if me that wanted him to be positive, thinking maybe if we are both positive things will go back to normal. He was so excited, the girlfriend was introduced to everyone including my own daughter, I didn't like it but what else I could have done. In  2003 they herd a child, I was devastated, something was dying inside me, asking myself what kind of a woman who will get pregnant for a married man? My husband kept on saying he is not going to divorce me  but if I want a divorce he will be glad to give me one. I herd mixed feelings I couldn't go for divorce I was thinking gosh where will I go back to the backyard at my parents house no way I'm staying and I'm going to fight for my marriage.

To cut the story short I was busy making a research on how  can I get pregnant in my condition, I really wanted my husbands child and I also thought if I can have his child, he will live that woman. And I can also give him the family he always wanted. I managed to get him to give me his specimen, but he made me to agree that he will give me what I want if Im going to let him keep his beloved girlfriend, I agreed thinking that when he sees those little creature he will change his mind. and  I have discussed with my gyene if its possible that I can have twins, waala I was pregnant with my husbands children it was a very happy moment of my life, and the twins were born strong and healthy a boy and a girl.

My pregnancy  was not a walk in park I was so thin it was not funny. My husband will look at me as if his asking himself, what is this he has put myself into. I was scared what if this people didn't put my husbands sperms in me and Im carrying someone's else children I was under a lot of stress. But by God's grace they were his and they were beautiful.

After few days I have been home from hospital my husband told me he need to go and take care of some business. I was still weak and vulnerable he left with that woman and my in-laws. I knew that my plan is back firing. but I didn't stop PRAYING, I felt I need to fight for what I think is right. fight till so far cos If that woman needed something I herd to sign for it, cos me and my husband we are partners in business. If I don't sign we're going to fight. To keep the peace I herd to sign. We bought  a shop for her, the shop was shut down and than we bought a house for her. After a year the twins were born she fell pregnant again. My husband spend  some days with her and some with me. Its a frustrating situation, we are more of friends than husband and wife we make a good team at work. we are business partners. I know he is with me cos he feels sorry for me. I try to cope but its not easy my family is dysfunctional I cant plan anything with him I must just wait until his home if his coming at all.
 
Im worried my children are growing they will ask questions. My life is a mess but I'm still alive they thought I will  dead by now so they can live happily ever after. I'm stronger than before. Its a battle to fighting for>

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Kedibone, South Africa

On the 27th of August 2007 I found out that I have the disease and i was surprise and because I was at work, I had to calm myself down and continue working.

Before that a colleague/friend saw lymph nodes at the back on my ear and I also told her about others at the back of my head. When I got home I decided to tell my mom and she immediately said to me “what are u stressing about? She told me that these things are stressed related. The same night I went to my doctor/friend and he asked me the same question and I said to myself, what are these people talking about? My doctor decided to do a blood test but failing to tell me it was an HIV test. When I asked what the test was for he told me that it was a general blood work test and I shouldn’t worry myself. I found out when one of his receptionist told my brother about me taking blood for test I didn’t even know.

I went back to him after a two days and he told me that they haven’t received my results and there was a problem with my blood and a whole lot of stories regarding my blood and he finally told me that we have to do another blood test. My mother on the other side was busy consulting with her doctors, asking them what could be wrong with me and they told her that she must tell me to take an HIV test. I was tired of being told stories and at the same time I was stressing a lot and my nodes were starting to be painful and I thought I was dying.

On the 27th August I decided to call the insurance company because I was tired of waiting. They told me that my life cover has been changed to an accidental cover due to my blood results and I was told to go to my doctor. On the same afternoon when I got home I received a letter from the insurance company with the same news they told me in the morning. I went to my doctor that evening and I explained what happened during the day and I showed him the letter, he told me not to stress it’s not a death sentence.

Before my doctor could explain what I am going to go through in my life I remember telling him that I will never die from AIDS, not in this lifetime. There are so many people living with HIV and they are happy so intend to be one of them. I have a beautiful, bubbly and very intelligent daughter who will be turning 3 years in January 2008 and she’s my reason for living. I have a brother who I told about my status the very same day I found out and so far he’s been very supportive and I love him for it. So far I haven’t told my mother but so far she can see all the lymph nodes on my body that I don’t even see and she’s scared. I went to do a CD4 count test on the 1st of October 2007 and I am waiting for my results.

I just befriended a doctor who works at my doctor’s surgery and he’s been a great friend so far and he’s also supportive. He explained everything about the disease and he even gave me his numbers to call him everytime I have a problem, he’ll be there for me 24/7 and he’s been great indeed. What inspire me is all the letters i read on this website of women living with the disease. I am going to live for as long as God wants me to live and I am going to live my live the way I want and I told myself that I am not going to allow anyone to judge me. I am a tall and very attractive lady with a lot to live for. I am going to start where I left of with my healthy living and continue and go back to the gym. I LOVE MYSELF TOO MUCH TO GIVE UP ON LIFE.

Update, six days later:

I finally plugged the courage to tell my mother and she received the news very well. I even told one friend of mine and she was very happy I told her and she told me that she’ll be there for me anytime of the day. Ever since I told people around me about my status, I feel so much better and free. My life is back to normal.

My CD4 count results came back and they are really good: CD4 count = 613.  I am not in the danger zone yet and I will do everything in my power to stay out of it.  I am 27 years old and I believe my new life and its challenges have begun. How I got the disease to me is not important and I have forgiven the person who infected me and I am moving on with my life.

I would like to tell all those people who are struggling to cope with the disease that, it is not a death sentence and u can live for as many years as u like as long as u take ur medication and live a healthy lifestyle.  Don’t be ignorant, get as much information as u can because I did and that made me accept my situation very quickly. Always ask questions where u don’t understand and encounter problems. I live in a country where hundreds of people are still dying from AIDS everyday because they are not well informed about the disease, some are ashamed and afraid to go to the hospitals to get the medications and some can’t access the ARV’s due to hospitals being far from their home (Rural areas). I guess all these will change in time.

Thank you for the lovely and informative website.

Lots of Love!

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A mother in Thailand

On 19th Aug 2007 I got blood check up for many diseases cuz I am pregnant and everything was fine except I was HIV + , when doctor handed me the test I didn’t know how to react, there were some questions keep running in through my head, 1st how this could happened to me , 2nd How long do I have left to live my life to see all my kids grow up? 3rd Is my baby will safe from HIV? And How could I tell my boyfriend about this? We are going to have a child and loving family together.

I was shocked, I didn’t cry cuz I was in shocked, on the way back home I just kept thinking and thinking how I gonna tell him?? So when I got back home I called him, he was still asleep cuz we got time different, I am living in Thailand and he is living in Holland, the first question I asked him that if he ever did slept with anyone behide my back but he said NO and I believed him cuz he always working at home, not go out or party then the second thought ran into my mind before he left Thailand in June he got tattoo and he may got infected from that.

Anyway, I told him how my test was? He was cried over the phone and I understand why, it was a big shocked and he scared to be infected too, the next day he went straight away to hospital for checking up HIV, I flew to Holland in few days later and we went to see the same doctor that taking care about his case and he is negative, I was so thanks God that he didn’t infected but then he has to check up again in December and I pray that nothing will happen to him.

Few days later I got my CD4 result from the hospital in Thailand they e-mailed to me and my CD4 is 240 so it is getting low but the vital virus is also still low too, I have to take this result back to the doctor here in Holland so they can taking care of me during my stay here till 19th November 2007, Since from the first day I found out I got HIV I been search on internet about all this, been reading about all people stories that they also are HIV positive, it do really help me and give me more hope, some of them been live with it for over 10 years or 20 years and some of them been close to the death but still can fight and escape from it and still living till these day.

I think now it is time for me to stop just being panic about it, now I start to deal with it even sometime it is still very hard to accept but I need to learn how to live with it, face it and fight with it so I can be able to live my life longer and be with person I loves specially all my kids, I am lucky that my boyfriend didn’t not walk away from me and he still would like to married me.

So I wants to tell every women that in same the situation with me, specially all mother , please don’t give up and whenever you feel like you want to give up and just lay down to wait till the dead come to take you away then just looking to your kid that how hard it could be for them if they have to live without you when they do need you the most, you have to fight with it like I am going to. Try to live healthy as much as you can and live your life even HIV will be part of it.

Love you all.

AVERT.org has information about HIV and pregnancy.

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Thandi, South Africa

I also want to share my story as I was touched by other stories here.

I tested positive in 2004 when I was pregnant with my baby boy. Luckily for me, I had so much support from all the doctors (gynaecologist and HIV Clinician) . Was shocked & numb upon hearing the results coz my fiancée had received his and they were negative. I remember reaching my car & doing a silent prayer that I should at least manage to reach home without causing any accident on the way.

That very same afternoon, I told a friend who looked at me and said “So what?” “Does it change who you are?” All my responses were “Nothing, No”. Actually I gained strength from that conversation which I still carry within me until this day. I have never received any pity and I liked it that way.

Again, I knew I was not going to die soon as I was working for an organisation involved in HIV/AIDS work – I still strongly believe that God puts me in my jobs in this field for a purpose.

So I have had many people whom I could talk to and who offered support. I never experienced stigma and discrimination at all. I had information all around me. Of coz its not as simple as it sounds – you do go through emotional ups and downs when you go to bed alone.

Now relationship-wise,my (late) fiancée tested negative and was extremely supportive of me. He became a very supportive friend. We learnt that I was infected about 5 years back by an ex-boyfriend, who denied it but it was just so obvious.

Anyway, my fiancée said” HIV or not, it does not change anything and would marry you for who you are – we will conquer this together” I told him that its fine as long as he does not feel any sense of pity for me regardless. We were planning our marriage when he was involved in a car accident and passed away. Another blow to deal with! But I decided to be strong as I had such lovely memories of him and he had instilled in me hope and I wanted to celebrate his life.

Interestingly I believe I will be around to see my son grow who is healthy-I keep myself motivated! The people who believe in me just keep my faith going. I ‘ve always been an optimist.I believe we are here in this earth for a purpose and I am yet to fulfil mine.

I believe I will have a soul mate – am not so keen on marriage per se but it has nothing to do with hiv – more of my independent streak.

I flirt (nicely) and date guys – I have also learnt that if you love yourself, you attract people who love you regardless. I do not see myself as a victim and am honest upfront when I get involved with someone to avoid pain later on. I definitely do not lower my standards. When a relationship ends, I treat it as one of those things and move on. I always feel I have survived a lot in life already.

Am now dating a guy who is lovely….. I have been told by him & friends that I do need much support as I am very strong and coping well but the truth is their support contributes to that.

Am busy now with my career advancement studies, my wonderful job and just living life to the fullest…I do not sit and anticipate what will happen next…God knows and I leave that to him. I take care of my health & live responsible. When feeling low, I remind myself what a beautiful life I have and baby boy. I just live life as it presents itself and follow my dreams.

To all you beautiful, strong women out there – stay so, surround yourself with supportive people and know God loves u. I have just witnessed two weddings of positive friends to negative men- so anything is possible. Lets get out there and have fun.

Thandi, South Africa, 34 years old 

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Tara

Hi,

My name is Tara and I just read some encouraging testimonies of living with AIDS. This is an Era of people who are living with AIDS instead of dying. I would like to share my own personal story.

I am a college student who loves to teach and play music. My goal is to become a missionary somewhere in Mexico. I'm from USA and reside in FL. I will turn 30 next month! Why is this such a celebration? I have been diagnosed with AIDS for 15 years coming this November.

I was 15 years old when I was told the news. I received a blood transfusion in 1984 which caused me to have tainted blood. My family didn't know about it until years later when I got sick in 1992. Doctors gave me six months. I think they stopped counting after I turned 21.=)

My family and I have gone through hard times with discrimination in early 90's and sometimes even now! Yet, it's by the grace of God that has pulled our family together. I have never dated anyone because I'm afriad to hurt someone. I would love to meet a Christian man who would love me regardless. I still believe in that hope.

=) My point to this story is don't give up on your dreams from a test. I have beaten so many odds and I'm still living my dreams. Keep your faith, stay strong with God and you will have a great life too. My other point is that AIDS can happen to ANYONE. Please be smart and protect yourself.

God Bless.

Tara

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Tina

I was diagnosed in 2000, and am a widow, was married to an African hiv charity worker who did not know his ex had contracted the virus. I am a European woman from the UK.

I am not on meds but have a lot of psychological issues to deal with, one is that I am so lonely. I have good friends who know and understand my situation, have advertised in the poz adverts for a nice guy I can relate to and who will be my soul mate. I thought there would be lots of guys out there who I could meet and date. Not so.

It is a problem meeting like minded people especially when you live miles from the city of London, where it seems a lot of the action is. I have mobility problems too and do not always have the energy reserves to enable me to travel.

Update May 2008

In reality nothing much has changed, I never met an hiv positive man who loved me and wantes to share his life with me. On a recent holiday abroad I met a wonderful young man, kind considerate who wants to marry me. We had a brief affair,using condoms, and have kept constantly in touch, soon we will hopefully meet again.

This man is too special to hurt yet too special to lose, the thought of telling him about my status brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat, I feel consumed by guilt. I really do not know how and when to tell him and am sure he wouldnt understand, he is from a poor country with no real medical help for people who are sick unless you can afford private treatment.

Tina

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A mother, 34

i dont really know where to start. i guess by saying that i am 34 years old and i am hiv positive. i only found out when i was 13 weeks pregs. i remember looking at the piece of paper and seeing it i didnt cry or do anything i just said am i going to die is baby going to die.

at the clinic they took my blood gave me advice the works i had to give names of ex partners that was easy ive only had 4 i kinda know who gave me hiv when i split from my ex he kindly told me that he had given me something he has but i just thought he was being a prat.

any way i had to tell my partner and it was so hard but i did it and we just talked he said im going to die and i said yeh but not yet. i put it to the back of my mind and got on with being pregnant it was so hard i remember crying praying that everything would be ok and thankfully it was on the 26th of jan 2006 i gave birth to a boy. he had to have haart just so as to protect him. i came off my treatment and got on with it.

its now a year on and im still not on any treatment my little boy is negative and im doing ok. i must admit i am thinking about it more and i am worried. i kiss my boy every night as i fear i wont be there in the morning. i am going to have counselling as i think it will do me good im not ready to give up yet and im not going to my little boy needs me.

AVERT.org: The "HAART" in this story is highly active antiretroviral therapy, which is given to HIV-positive mothers and their babies for a few weeks or months to reduce the risk of HIV transmission. Read more HIV and pregnancy.

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Dudu

my name is DUDU and this my story. I am a married mother of a sixteen month breathe taking baby boy. I am a health care worker who has been very foolish, ignorant and selfish as i refused to take an hiv test as at the time was in excellent health and had other family issues to settle without adding more stress to myself and pregnancy.

Come 6/12/06 have been very ill with oral thrush and shortnes of breathe got admitted in to hospital with pcp cd4 of 10 and viral load of 73000 [signs of advanced HIV infection]. I honestly thot the docs will tell me to find a hospice but The almighty has kept His promise, I held on to Josh 1v9 and the song Mthunzi sang 'uJesu christu Lidwala kone okunye kuzodlula'.

what strengthened me was my husband, sister, and sister in law who have been so supportive. Above all God kept my hopes up. Just the tthought of my son whose father is un employed and being in UK, my son would be taken by Social services recovery was not an option and more. I told myself what the scriptures said 'belive in your heart and confess with your tongue'.

if i was asked how i felt i would say i am well. I am now recovering at home now after two weeks in hospital and i feel healed. However the nightmare is far from being over yet as my hubby will recieve is results tomorow and my son his the day after. I believe God will save them and they will be negative. I honestly would never forgive myself if my innocent toddler is possitive. I dont want to even think of it BUt do I have any resean to doubt the Power of God. after all I feel so well after just 2 weeks of illness with such a cd count of 10. I believe whatever i have done to deserve this God has forgiven me and I have NO DOUBT MY SON IS NEGATIVE because, GOD REIGNS SUPREME. and he forgives and heals thats the GOD i PRAY TO.

I may be judged as Selfish, one has every reason to and I was I am not proud of it I wish the ground will swallow me but not yet I have A Son to Raise in the way the LORD want me to. I Have dedicated him to the Lord to use him in his will.

Update: 6th January 2007

Today is 6 Jan 07  a month after diagnosis. my husband is negative my son positive. I know the Lord will lead the way I still trust in him He is the only one who can turn the situation over. The Lord  will continue to heal me and keep my son healthy as always.

I have developed Heamolytic anaemia, some bone marrow suppression and mild congestive cardiac failure with swollen ankles, I still Glorify God he reigns supreme for he is the Lord that healeth thee. I am not braging but with how the condition presented itself and been admitted in hospital 4 times in 4 weeks, other people will have suffered years. Some one tell me why I can not give God the Glory really.

My son's results crushed me its unexplainable I suffered a nervous brake down. The Lord srengthened me, through my sisters from my own family and Definately God gave them strngth to be srong and sane. I can deal with my own diagnosis but learning about my son hurt so bad it hurt. In all this the Lord has been my strength, He never left me and never will.

Unfortunately my husband already has changed and my instict tells me something is amiss, Ladies you know when something is not right. I still praise God and I have prayed about it and asked God to reveal the truth to me. My husband will have a repeat test in 3 months time.

Somethings that the Lord does you can not Question. Remember Job in the Bible did he not have a malignant boil from the soles of his feet to the crown of his head, Lost everything the Lord had given him and yet he gave the evil one no chance, He praised God without failure.

Ladies the Devil looks for those with faith in the Lord to make them loose faith in God because those who do not believe are already the devil's. Stay strong Ladies, gentleman and children because the Lord will not put you to shame if you trust in him. watch the space and stay blessed.

Update: 15th March 2007

HE HAS DONE IT AGAIN. March 15 2007. There is power, wonder working power in the blood of the lord. LADIES after having started treatment on 29 jan 07 I am priviledged and like every one else blessed to say my Lord has rendered my viral load U N D E T E C T A B L E. yes undectatable. my son remains healthy and protected by the blood of Jesus. GLORY BE TO THE ALMIGHTY. HE loves u just like me and can do the same for you too. And my husband is back to me and my son.

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Anon

Hi my name is not important right now my story on the other hand is I was diagnose HIV+on Sept 24, 1999 I was 33 years I remember that vividly even though seven years have gone by here's my story at the age of 23 I meet the man of my dreams true love you might say he was a caring loving good providing man but he had one bad habit that at the time I didn't  know about he like to sleep around, I always used to question him about the subject but he always manage to denied until one day that I caught him we had a big fight didn't spoke for months yet we still lived in the same home time past by until one day I began to get sick I began to loose weight, getting fatigue  a lot of chest pain but since I have asthma and congestive heart failure since childhood I associated all this symptoms with my Illness,""SILLY ME'', so I was taking to the hospital but in intensive care unit I was literally dying until an "HIV TEST WAS CONDUCTED AND THERE WAS THE ANSWER "

Seven Years have gone by since that dreadful day I'm still trying to coupe with the fact of dying and  leaving my two sons behind but you know what I have learn to 'LIFE TODAY LIKE IT WAS GOING TO BE YOUR LAST'' and PRAY AND THANK THE LORD THAT TOMMORROW HE HAS ALLOWED YOU TO SEE A BRAND NEW DAY OF THE FUTURE THAT EVENTHOUGH WE ARE SENTENCED TO A LONG DEATH PEOPLE LET'S PRAISED THE LORD WE ARE STILL HERE ABLE TO SHARED OUR STORIES

WE ARE ALIVED GOD BLESS US ALL'

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