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Hear me out, YOU are not alone.
I am twenty years old, studying at a decent college, about to get my life started and yet I'm still living a lie. You may wonder why I continue to put on this act, and often I ask myself the same question. Honestly, I think it is because I have become an expert at putting up walls and hiding my true self. I'm kind of proud of that fact, that no one knows my true identity. Makes me feel hero-esque in some way, and just like a hero I feel like I need to hide my identity to protect those that I love. In my case, my old-fashioned father who wants nothing more than the family legacy to continue, my beyond religious sister who is convinced homosexuals are a blight upon the world, and my overly proud grandparents who would expect 'better' of me. It almost seems that these walls are too thick, for even this masked hero to break through.
I've had relationships in the past, all with girls, and none truly getting too serious except for my most recent one. I've been getting little glimpses into my true sexuality since elementary school. I played with mostly girls during recess, but really had no attraction to them. Middle School gym classes became an extremely confusing time when the time to prove my masculinity as well as my adoration for guys with it nearly gave me a complex. Come High School, I was trying to join the 'tough crowd' and fit in, being everything against my nature. I had a girlfriend for three years and never made a move, because I was unsure and afraid of the truth. Then, I got myself a girl in college whom I (finally) got serious with and enjoyed it, but my curiosity still had me looking for guys. Sadly, I was learning to convince myself homosexuality was a bad thing, and even despise that part of myself. Sometimes I would even look for gay sexual acts on the internet, just to prove to myself I didn't like it. However, something kept me coming back to it. Now twenty years into my life, twenty years spent dedicated to building up walls and what am I left with?
Now I'm living alone in this box with walls six miles thick with hopes, dreams, and desires that I can not express nor share. It's liked I've locked myself up with my own kryptonite, and it's impossible to bear. Unfortunately, the life of a gay or bisexual guy is not a clear-cut path, but rather a confusing and stressful road. I'm proud for those that discovered this at an early age and unfortunately, like most gay or bisexual guys, I was in complete denial. However, recently I've started to chip away at those walls. The last girlfriend I had, I admitted to her that I was bisexual about one year into the relationship. It might sound awful, but it was too much of an adjustment for her and so I ended the relationship. I'm not mad, but rather relieved that I don't have to worry about that deep 'dark' secret. More importantly, I've opened up to a friend, who was accepting and it's like she's standing right beside me hammering away at those walls. I'm positive the next person I tell will also help me to rid of these walls I'm hiding behind and make it that much easier.
I'm writing to plead you to not hide yourself, to not build up these walls. No harm can come to your loved ones from your homosexuality, and there is nothing to fear or hate about yourself. Enjoy it, embrace it, and express it to those around you. I know what you're going through, and even though I haven't broken through the final bit of my walls.