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Silent One

When I was young, I didn't want to be a gay, but at the same time, I just didn't know how to get along with boys. I just didn't know how to relate with them. But when it comes to girls, I'm always very happy and it's like I can talk about anything. And I remember in my sixth grade, I liked boys in our classroom. Most of the time they believe I'm straight, some do have their doubts, but since I tend to hide my real self then everyone ends up believing i'm straight. I remember when I was in high school, miraculously, I had a friend. He was a guy. And I was surprised because we were having a good time talking with one another, not until I had a crush on him, after which he just stayed away from me. But when I moved to another high school and visited that high school a year later, I asked him and he told me he never really was mad at me for that.

Another thing I remember from high school was that, on my first year, I used to hang out with really straight guys. The sort of bullies in the campus, and I hang out with them since we enjoy computer games together. And I really liked one of them so much, that I really told him how I felt, and it ruined the entire group hahaha! Now I'm another place and whenever we recall it (since we're still quite connected in facebook), we just laugh ourselves out.

When I stepped into college, same thing happened. I liked this guy, and another one, and another one, all was kept secret except the first one who was kinda like the campus crush. Hey I forgot to mention I also liked girls, in fact some tease and match me up with some girls ahahahh.. I would love to have a family one day, when I get mature and stable already, but when I think of guys it's like I go crazy. During my third year in college I had a girlfriend. She's a wonderful woman, and when news spread out about the two of us having a relationship all the guys got really shocked. I loved her so much to the point I was willing to go to a certain university to teach just to be able to stay in the same city with her. However, I knew she knew and we even talked about my past when I used to like guys (and even during our relationship). She just accepted me, that's why I loved her so much. But later on, we got into sex so much we decided to break up because that was very much against our christian upbringing (we were going to the same church and I was the one who invited her to join that church).

When we broke up I really got messed up, and I think that's one reason I'm now who I am. I'm outwardly bi. I like girls and guys. But i'm more feminine than masculine. Sometimes when I meet those who knew me before, I tend to act masculine ahahah.. And now I'm working, I'm starting to like another guy whom I know he knows how I feel. I really didn't care if get anything in return, but I just don't wanna be hurt by him in any way, may it be with gay jokes or what. I told my mom, but my mom just told me she just don't know how to help me not to be a gay. However she never despised me for it.

Now i'm not into any relationship, but all I want is to be single. Maybe part of the reason is that I was badly hurt with my previous relationship. If ever I get another girlfriend, or a boyfriend(?), my point in having one is to get into a satisfying relationship, wherein I can express myself, and just love my partner and be loved for who I am. I've never been this me, and now I'm in the stage of accepting myself for who I am, because all of my life I really had a problem accepting my own imperfections. But now I'm better. Because I'm out.