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Mother

I am the mother of a homosexual son that has been diagnosed with HIV positive. I prayed for years for God to heal my son. He met a woman and married her. He's still gay and practicing while he is married. He doesn't care who he is with. He is so bitter at God for allowing this to happen to him. I have become bitter too. Not only is he still gay and married and his marriage is falling apart but he's HIV positive now. I don't understand God any more. I'm hurting so bad I don't want to live. I wake up everyday with this cloud of misery hanging over me. I think of just ended my life. It seems the only way to stop feeling this awful hurt and pain. I thought God loved me. How can he love me and allow this misery and hurt to continue for years and years. I have begun to think there isn't a God. All I hear is God's love for me. What kind of love is this? I think of all the things I could do to end this since God won't. This mess is forever! I've been going through this for 20 years now. Just want it to end one way or the other. If I have to end my own life.