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Jane 1

Hi my name is Jane and I'm an ordinary South African girl. I've recently admitted to myself that I'm a lesbian but it wasn't easy doing so. I remember always being attracted to girls from a young age; I would even chase after the girls during kissing catches but I never understood why I did that. At the age of four, I told my mom that I wanted to marry a girl and she didn't exactly react well to that [...] After the age of ten I became this reserved, quiet person who would fight with people at various moments during the year. Needless to say, I didn't gain many friends. It was a pattern that formed until this year when I just had a moment when I realised I'm not this person who's so serious and quiet and reserved. I began uncovering many painful things from my past which I kept hidden: you see my family is one which is obsessed with maintaining the perfect image even if it's to the detriment of various family members. I cut out various family members- including my father from my life and I began changing my circle of friends as well. I also decided to stop being a Christian because I never really related to Christianity and I decided to become very spiritual. I remember one moment during meditation where my inner voice you could say said to me "you're gay!". At first I tried to deny it and I told myself that I'm either pan- or bisexual; anything instead of being a lesbian. It took me a while but then I realised that I've never really been attracted to guys- except for fleeting obsessions which I would make up myself- but I've always dreamt about kissing my friends and being intimate with a girl. At first I called myself gay since lesbian sounded like such a harsh word but I've now accepted that I'm a lesbian and I'm proud of it! I've come out to my friends and my cousins but not to my mom yet. I suspect that she knows but I don't want to confirm it for her as yet: the last thing I want to hear is someone telling me it's just a phase. I've also developed strong feelings for a girl I've always subconsciously like: I suspect that she feels the same way but either it's subconscious for her or she's also in denial about it. I'm willing to wait and see what happens though. I feel as though I've made more friends since I've come out and I'm really coming out of my shell at an alarming rate: I overwhelm myself at times as to how big my personality really is but I feel as though I'm being true to myself. It helps that I've got a few friends who are also lesbian/ bisexual. I've also learnt that love just happens and you start to have a great ife once you begin to remain true to yourself.