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Icy

People who I've know as a child and have lost contact with usually ask me, when did you become a lesbian, and at time I ask myself the same question, I ask how it happened or when did it happen. Usually a reply with a look that saids 'are you stupid' and say in an indifferent tone, I don't know. I'm not really out, I'm like halfway in the closet, if that makes sense, I've told people who matter to me, eight people in total, and they've all been very awesome and supportive about it but I don't think I'm gonna to tell my parents till I'm going off to college. I just don't have it in me, I don't have to the strength to fight against their wrath, a lot has happened this past year and with my sexuality to go on top of it I'm completely and utterly exhausted.

If they ask, when, then he is what I'm gonna tell them, I don't know when, I've never been that interested in guys anyways, I've always looked for people to accept me, I'm a strange person by heart and therefore a bit rejected by my peers most of my childhood, I was looking for anyway to fit into this little unit at school without being alone. I was never thinking about romance, in fact my bestfriend was my niece and well let's just say we were very close. But again I never thought anything of it because it felt good and we were both in that state of mind.... the only difference was that she grew out of it and I didn't. I never liked guys, I wanted to be their friends, badly because it seemed like fun but kissing them hugging them, the thought was alway repulsive to me. Not like full on throw but a small ew and disinterest, and though I ignored it most of the time when I looked at a couple my eyes always went to the girl first. I didn't think about it, I never put it together, maybe because I was alway a black sheep of my family and didn't want to make it worse by being gay. I watched a lot of videos of girls kissing each other, again I never thought anything of it, when I watched porn I was always looking at the girl and how the guy must be feeling touching her soft curves.

I don't know how it started or theres something wrong but I'm gonna tell you this and I'm gonna tell you straight, I didn't choose anything, there was no point in my mind that I choose this, there was no point that I wanted this to add to my already impressive pile of f* up stress. So theres the best explanation I can give you at the moment, it quite detailed if I do say so myself and I hope this gives a better understanding because when I was younger I though sexuality was simple, that you knew from a young age and this isn't true, it's complicated and it's hard to deal with and it's confusing but once you get through it your on top of the world.