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When Love and HIV collide

I am sure if you are reading this, no amount of online resource, or even actual support will be really enough to ease your nerves. This is especially true if you are really close to someone who has got HIV. My story starts way back in 2004. I met one of the most charming young girl around that time. Small talks led way to long conversation, the ones about stars and moonlights. Eventually I realized that I was completely in love with her. Eventually both of us confessed that we love each other. However she never agreed to take it any further. I had no clue why. Finally I got a mail saying " I have HIV". I was in office when I opened that mail. It has been 4 years after that, but I still remember how my world crumbled. This girl was everything to me. She was my best friend, my pillar of strength, the force inside me. I belong to a very decent, completely normal family, and to be very frank I have always been well protected by the dark side of life. So this was too much to take in for me. But my first reaction was to call her and tell her that it was okay. I knew that I couldn't leave her even if I wanted to. It was a chance of a lifetime to be with someone who loved me as much as I loved her.

I feel nice while recollecting every little moment I spent with her. It was as fulfilling as I had dreamed of it. This story had everything, right from moonlight dances, to mountain getaways, we had the time of our life. Needless to say, every time we were having too much of fun, she would back off and start crying. I felt completely helpless. It was the greatest pain anyone could have given me. But I knew that this was worth it. A lot of people wonder how a magnetic couple is able to enjoy sex life. Believe me, I am sure there is never going to be better intimacy that the kind I had with her. For two years we were together, we never had penetrative sex, however there was a lot of mutual satisfaction. It was enough for us. Every time she tried breaking up with me, I would tell her that we were unique, made for each other. While others have routine love life, we were special, because of our situation. I would tell her how special she was to me. It was love like no other. Every time I managed to convince her. Finally one fine day she told me that she had found someone else who was just as 'fucked up'. She told me that there was no need for me to be with her anymore. Of course I tried to persuade her otherwise in every way imaginable. But she did this just before going on a long trip abroad. That meant no communication with her whatsoever. After she came back, I spoke with her a couple of times. But I was never able to cope up with the situation, and would usually burst with anger. I attempted suicide. There was nothing worse than the life I had. Worst part is, that I knew she was going through a lot of problems as well. She wasn't seeping well, smoking too much, wasting away. I could't see it anymore.

Now my life is almost back to normal, and it has been an year since our break up. But I still cannot think of anyone else. I love her too much, perhaps I am obsessed, as my friends tell me. But I have no choice. I wanted to share this so that it could probably help someone. I don't know how. Maybe if you have HIV, and have someone who loves you, give it a chance. I know people who are negative can never quite understand what it is to go through all the trauma.. However that is no reason to deprive them of that chance. We have only one go at life, and chances of finding that special someone do not come again. It's foolish to waste such opportunities over HIV. If you are in love with someone who has HIV, I would say that no matter how good it looks, you should always look out for emotional needs of your partner. I failed to notice this, because we were so good with each other, there were no fights at all! So perhaps you need to be on toes for emotional needs. In the end I would say, I have no regrets of ever dating her. If I had chance to do it all over again, knowing she is going to dump me, I would still do it. It was no doubt highly charged, but too beautiful time of my life. I would miss her, and think of her all my life. I wish her well in life, wish she gets joy. I would remember you till my death. See you someday. Sayonara.