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I did not get the fairytale 'first-time' like a lot of girls claim they did. It was not with my boyfriend, we were not in love.
I had not planned on waiting for marriage, but i did want to wait for someone who loved me and who i felt comfortable with. In my head i had always imagined it the same way everytime, candle-lit room, sweet music, whispered nothings. Of course i got none of that, except the same guy i had always imagined doing it with.
I was 17. He was a 'high-school crush' that i had never gotten over even after he had moved away, i liked him a lot, in fact i was infatuated with him, so you can imagine my delight when he moved back into town. I was content with being 'just friends' with him so again, you can imagine my delight when he started flirting with me. Soon we kissed, but things were happening so fast, i was confused, then he texted me and started making suggestive comments about sex. now i was crushed, because it was obvious he wanted 'just sex'.
The next time we met up, we went for a walk and ended up in a Forest, we started making out and he had his hands down my pants. That was the first time i had ever been 'touched' i wasn't happy because i knew it didn't mean anything, and now i knew for sure he was serious about us hooking up. I deliberated for weeks only talking to a few friends about how torn i was; if i did it, i would be losing my precious virginity in a rush to someone who didnt care for me, but if i didn't i would be losing out on an opportunity to have sex with a guy i'd always fantasized about (not a real reason, but i was a product of low self esteem).
Eventually i decided to go through with it, because; a.) i knew i would regret not doing it, when he moved away again b.) i hoped this would trigger a 'real' relationship between the two of us and that he would give me the affection and attention i needed from him.
One day i visited him, he was house-sitting for a friend so we would have the house to ourselves for the day. i knew this would be it. It was surreal, how my clothes came off one by one, all of a sudden i was NAKED with another person, then OMG, all of a sudden he was naked too. i knew i wasn't ready at this point when i was torn between giggling or cringing, but we kept going. When he tried to enter it hurt like a mother, again thats how i knew i wasn't ready, i couldn't go through with it. i told him i needed to go to the bathroom, i was bleeding. then it dawned on me how he probably didn't realise i was a virgin... or care, i was to embarrassed to tell him, so when i went back i told him we couldn't go through with it because he didn't have a condom. He begged (i was shocked that he could be so wreckless) but i stood my ground.
Some weeks later he told me his parents would be out of town and he wanted me to spend the night, again i knew this was it. i prepped myself with a little liquid courage because i knew i couldn't back down again, and i hoped the worst was over with the pain. I hoped we would have a sweet night together in a house alone, but no, he spent the night virtually ignoring me and doing his own thing while i lay bored on the bed eventually when 'he' was ready he came over to the bed, with no discussion he kissed me, undressed me, undressed himself, put the condom on and we went through with it, it still hurt, it was awkward and fast. he then jumped out of bed and was reluctant to share the same with me for the rest of the night (there were 2 beds in his room) I was furious and told him i would never speak to him again if he didn't come back to this bed.
I barely slept that night. I cried endlessly, i felt used and cursed myself for being pathetic and allowing myself to be subjected to this kind of treatment. I cried while he slept by my side. I cried because it hit me that he doesn't care for me, and i was just another hook-up for him. The night i lost my virginity i cried more than anyone outside my family had ever made me cry before.
However, the story doesn't end there, we parted ways for a month because we went on seperate vacations, after our return, we came to an unspoken mutual understanding about casual sex. There was never any talk of relationship, no romance or intimacy, no kissing outside the actual act. It cheapened me, yes, but i needed it too, and for that i do not regret losing my virginity to him. It was hard for me because i had feelings for him which he didn't return, and most times i wished and ached that he would treat me with some affection and respect, but we still had our fun. Together we would laugh, tell stories, drive around and have sex (mostly in his car). This continued on for about a year, which ironically only towards the very end did he start to become more intimate and more open, then he had to leave for College.
This is what most teenage girls go through. Compromising themselves for guys and misinterpreting sex for love or feelings.
I learned a lot from this and my advice would be:
- have sex for you, and your sake, not any other person
-never ever believe that he will like you after you have sex with him, guys don't work like that, it's that simple
-don't be willing to have sex with someone so wreckless, there will be consequences
-do not comprimise any of your beliefs.
what i went through was hard but i do not regret it. Part of me believed it was an experience i was meant to go through to understand myself, and create a stronger me.
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