Joseph

My name is Joseph and I am 28 year old black male living in Atlanta. Today January 1st 2008 I was diagnosed as being HIV positive. I believe that my last lover of 3 months gave it to me when he penetrated my anus without a condom. We had been started dating in October, and I had not had sex in almost a year and after dating for several weeks thought it time to give it a try. I went through the who ordeal of asking what type of condoms we should use and getting the right I.D glide. Well that night while beginning penetration, I could not see him put the condom on as I was forward of him. Even though he pulled out and ejaculated on my back, I wanted to be sure. I turned around and saw the unused condom sitting on the bed. Horrified I scolded him.

Weeks after I broke off the relationship January 9th, I went in for a test to see why my hair was falling out and to see if it were caused by my vegetarian eating habits (Lack of Iron), or what. The Dr. suggested an HIV test as well since it had already been a year since my last one. Upon telling me, he told me that the results broke his heart. I did not cry but just had this look of disappointment on my face, while he sat there telling me what comes next. I remember him saying something about a second test which he believed would come back positive as well. I could no longer pay him any attention I am waiting on the results I had been on the phone with my best girl Amanda, and breaking the news to her that I was HIV positive really tore her apart. I contacted Louis and he never called back. As far as my family goes, I have told no one. I grew up in a very religious family. The news would tear my father apart completely. Its shameful enough trying to cope with such a taboo topic.  "I will fight this virus, and I will win. I will be the statistic that kept on living, I guarantee it.

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Alex

When do i begin, dont know really where too. well i guess here my name is alex and i live in the south of england im 27 male and its 20th march 2007,

Ive only found out that ive got HIV, in the last three weeks, I guess at this moment im angry at the world and everyone around me, getting very little sleep and just working long days just trying to not belive in this nightmare is happening to me.

I know its not there fault, but of my own, my family now know and so do my friends but i have distances myself away from everyone i love and care and trusted, I know i still can live a normal life and live for many years too come, but all i can keep thinking is why me, I must of been bad in another life or something,

Ive always been carefully and got to know others befor having sex, but i know now that you can never trust someone, because they can easly do this to you and hurt you from the inside out just to please there own needs,

My doctor has told me that i should sit down and talk to someone even my friends, they all there to help me through this i know that, but im not ready to talk or open up to someone about my pain and hurt, i feel so alone in this world at the moment not sure where to turn to, Or where to run, why me,

AVERT.org: Helplines and community organisations in the UK can be found in our UK section. We also have a directory of AIDS service organisations in the USA.

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Richard

We have all heard the saying that Oral sex is "safer" sex, which I too to an extent believe to be true with the very limited evidence at hand. However since my diagnosis in June 2005 I have learnt of many people claiming to have contracted HIV the same way as myself, Oral Sex!

Yes we are shunned and even called liars, dismissed as false statistics and accused of trying to scare monger.

Well the fact of the matter is oral transmittion of HIV is a very real threat, and one we should wake up too and invest more research and obtain reliable evidence.

With the huge increase in herpes, syphilis and other STD's our mouth is becoming a more suitable route of transmission as the HIV has the ability to 'piggy back' into our system.

Since the Thatcher years of huge icebergs and information regarding HIV, I decided that it was something I would never catch. I always used condoms for anal sex and never allowed anyone to ejaculate into my mouth. I never had a condom split on me and wouldnt even kiss if i had cracked lips. I was obsessed to point that I used to phone the National Aids helpline to ensure what I was doing was safe and that I was protected.

In May 2005 I had oral sex with a stranger, he was fit, toned and looked the perfect bill of health. This didnt prevent me from practicign safe sex. However without warning the guy ejaculated in my mouth. It happened so quick and with no warning. I was angry that it had happened, but not concerned as oral sex was considered safer sex.

After 4 weeks I fell dreadfully ill, I had a sore on my penis and raised lymth nodes in my groin. I was sufferig a temperature of 103 and was listless.

I decided to get myself off to the GUM and gave blood for a HIV test, thankfully the results were back the same day and I was negative (June 16th 2005). I was elated and so very happy and relieved.

I was seen by a Consultant as I had also developed a bady rash, he was mildly concerned that I was suffering a seroconversion illness, but from my sexual history and negative HIV test thought improbable.

Due to the severity of my symptons, it was decided that a special p24 test should be carried out. This test finds the HIV virus rather than the anti bodies, I was to return in 4 days time for the results.

The next 4 days were fine, I had been given a negative HIV test and thought my illness was something doing the rounds. I was not worried about the result, lets face it Oral sex is safer sex right, wrong!

I sat in the GUM waiting room for the nurse to give me the all clear. Instead the Consultant called me in I thought this is odd, what does he want. I sat down and was told that the HIV virus was present in my body and that I was also suffering with herpes. I starred at him and said "this is so unfair". I had always protected myself, washed hands, rinsed mouth, used condoms covered any grazes I may have had.

I sat there and just kept repeating "this is so unfair" Within 4 days I had been diagnosed HIV negative and then HIV positive. My head was messed up as you can imagine.

The consultant concluded that the guy who ejaculated in my mouth could have been shedding the herpes virus and that the HIV came with it.

I was gutted, the first time I had encountered any kind of 'safer' (not safe) sex and I was infected.

The turmoil then got worse as I was advised it could be a false positive result, so more bloods were taken to see if my body had yet produced anti bodies. Two weeks later it was a definate confirmation. I was HIV positive from oral sex.

The usual philes of bloods were taken and my viral load came back at 100,000 and a cd4 of 535, within 3 months my viral load had dropped by 87,000 to 13,000 and cd4 increased to over 600.

So what are the actual risks of catchin HIV from oral sex? Statisticly 1 in 50,000. Yet since my diagnosis more and more people have informed that they too caught it from oral transmission.

We use lube and condoms for our arse, but what protected apart from saliva do we have for our mouths. How healthy are our gums, how often do we bite our tongue whilst eating, what gum damage do we cause when flossing or brushing, how safe is our tongue after cleaniig it. Tooth picks, knives and forks, sharp crisps, and other foods damage our mouth tissue. Hot drinks can burn the lining of the mouth causing small blisters. All these make a perfect openin for HIV and othe STD's

Perhaps through the circumsatances surroundin my infection, others may consider a little more regarding what risk they are prepared to take when having Oral sex.

Do I feel cheated out of a healthy life. Yes I do. I didnt ask the guy to ejaculate and would not have invited such an act. The actions I took were considered safer, but how safe was my mouth.

RICHARD

AVERT.org: Read more about HIV and oral sex.

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Don

I am so tired and scared I was diagnosed with Hiv. I should say full blown AIDS. I had no idea my doctor kept telling me I was anemic and that I should take some iron pills but I still felt so weak to the point that I could not walk. Finally I said there must be something wrong. I asked him if he had tested my blood for everything assuming everything was HIV but he told me I had to ask for that test. I didnt know now I was kind of almost to late my white blood cells were 26.

Any way its been six months now with the meds I'm up to 154 white blood cells. I feel like I might get better. But Im so scared of people touching me. My family they dont touch me they hide me away. They tell me not to touch the dishes, not to unload the dishwasher and other things. I think I could handle the disease but I can't handle life without human touch. I think that is killing me and my heart feels dead. I wanna be loved.

AVERT.org: It is most important to stress that you CANNOT get HIV from touching someone with the virus. You cannot get HIV from eating off the plates that an HIV+ person touches, or the food that they handle, or the bed that they sleep in. HIV is not spread this way - it is only spread through sexual fluids or blood getting in to another person's bloodstream. This CANNOT happen in everyday family settings, and there is NO REASON to be scared. There is no reason why an HIV-positive person should have to live the rest of their life without human warmth or touch. They are not contagious, and nobody should treat them as such.

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Anthony

I am a 42 year old Italian guy from Staten Island NY. I have been living with this disease for 10 years going on 11. I was diagnosed in 1996 and from 1996-2000 I was in so much denial I ran the streets as I had before smoking crack and just wanting to get high and higher, because I thought if I was going to die , I was going to die happy and high.

So I thought. After 4 years I saw I was still here and healthy , so to speak. I decided to get help for my addiction and get educated about HIV/AIDS. I am happy and yes even proud to say that I have been clean from the drug of my choice for 6 going on 7 years and have been an HIV/AIDS Outreach Worker, Educator and Test Counselor for the same number of years and still am. I have also been a member of many groups within the government of New York: HIV/AIDS Planning Council, Advisory Group to the Planning Council, HIV/AIDS Advocate, Human and Civil Rights Advocate. I have found my passion and knowing now that it is not a death sentence, just a change of life, I can go out and spread the word that, "WE CAN LIVE" and live a very happy, productive life.

I have been addicted to crack for 12 years and lost everything: my job, my partner after 8 years, my home but mostly myself. I am back now with alot of thanks to many, but mostly to myself because it was me who willing and chose to get the truth and I did. I will persevere in this fight to educate and fight for the rights of HIV/AIDS people and all people who are treated unjustly........ I have never been more content and happy than now.

Anthony J Raiola

Staten Island NY

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Anon

Im 39 and from Blackpool Uk i was first diagnosed with Hiv in 2005 after finding myself in hospital after being diagnosed with Lymphoma. getting 1 diagnoses one day was bad enough but 2 in the same day was devastating but strangely enough was more concerned about the lymphoma. Question after question consumed me for days my partner for 4years and 10 years my junior what if i had given it to him, How would i feel? How would people feel towards us both?

Well was i stupid,he was supportive and always has been, i had ongoing invasive treatment for the lymphoma for 4 months then having to start the treatment for the Hiv it was quite daunting, feeling ill all the time from cancer being sick, losing my hair, weight etc but had to fight every step of the way and coming close to death at one point the hiv is just a treatable problem that myself and my partner have to deal with and one we can do together. Both consultants that look after me are great helping me deal with problems that arise and am able to call on people at a moments notice,  the combination therapy i take has its good n bad days but i prefer to know that everything is good  within and that helps mentally and physically, work enviroment is good and have told a few people time will come when my friends know but that is a hurdle me and my partner will cross when the times comes.

What do i say to people that are looking for some advice?

Try to be as strong as you are and were before,everyday is a new day and be positive.

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Mino

Hopefully my words might leave a lasting impact on those that read them, as I don't wish my path on anyone. Take it from me, I paid a heavy price.

We all say, oh I'll never be like that. DON'T EVER FOOL YOURSELF IN THIS PERCEPTION. I never imagined myself going to prison, let alone spending a third of my life in them! I definitely considered myself drug free, yet I was an intravenous drug addict for ten years. HIV, couldn't possibly ever happen to me, believe me it can very easily happen to anyone and its all got to do with choices, that in many instances always hold and leave devastating consequences. It's totally up to you whether they are positive or negative in nature.

Many times throughout the course of my life, the circumstances or situations I found myself in. I felt that they were not only in themselves so bitter, but totally overwhelming and more times than not, I wished I had the courage to die rather than face those hardships. Although the reality of it is, and it only took me forty years of great pain and suffering to figure it out. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to live life, regardless of its obstacles.

I believe that I've had the H.I.V. infection now for nearly ten years. The specialist whom I see on a regular basis is brilliant when it comes to dealing with H.I.V. infection and the unpredictable Aids. He has informed me that out of the one hundred participants in the drug trial I participated in, my progress is above average and my body has handled the very toxic medications extremely well.

Many have often raised the question, as to what it's like to be living with HIV. While the answers in themselves revolve around my psychological well being, my emotional stability and my physical health. To capture the insurmountable complexities surrounding this bewildering disease, it would take many years of studying and certainly it would fill numerous books. Perhaps one day, as being a long term survivor of this illness I will write about what it's like living with HIV, THE MADNESS WITHIN. By any standards it's not a pretty picture and in as much share the following.

Since being on these drugs, there has been one inescapable side effect that has persistently remained, as part of my daily struggles. Could it in fact just be an irritating reminder as to my foolishness in life? Within the first week of taking these drugs I began to notice a chilling ache in the bones or joints around my hips, knees, feet and hands. To try and describe it I don't know where to begin or where to end. To give an accurate explanation, just imagine your bones to be very brittle and in a carpenters vice, slowly being tightened! THERE IS NOTHING IN LIFE THAT WE CANNOT ENDURE, EVEN THE MOST HORRIFYING OF EXPERIENCES; EVENTUALLY WE GROW ACCUSTOMED TO THEM. As long as I remain active, this ache goes unnoticed. Through it all, I have been a survivor.

I firmly believe that regardless of our circumstances or situation in life. We should never lose sight of our goals or dreams, no matter how impossible they may seem. In remaining persistent, determined and focused, one day even the impossible can and will become a reality, we just need a belief.

I think that the most important message I can leave you with is that: The biggest obstacle a person faces in life is their underestimation of the strength, as well as the perseverance that they posses within themselves, when it comes to overcoming any and all obstacles placed in their path. Remember, regardless of your circumstance or situation in your life, you are not defeated unless you choose to accept defeat as final, in which case you have given up on yourself. I firmly believe that no matter what obstacle you're faced with in life you are the ruler of your destiny and if you allow that obstacle to control your life then without doubt it is bound to cripple even the strongest and bravest of society. Therefore regardless of the circumstance, you control it. Don't let it control you.

Regardless of sexual preference or the stage of someone's illness I regard everyone who shares this disease as a brother or sister in a combined effort to fight in every way possible this devastating illness that has reached enormous proportions worldwide.

AVERT.org: Mino Pavlic is the author of a book called "No Obstacle Too Great", which further describes his experiences of prison life, drug addiction and living with HIV.

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Trevor

Hi,

My name is Trevor and  I live in Brisbane Australia.

Im 40 and have not had a long term partner for over 10 years, the last relationship lasting for 12 years, i did not feel the rush to find a new one. My jobs were always changing as was my locations.

Late last year, early december in fact, i met a wonderful man who changed my life and I his, our sex life was nearly non existant as we spent many nights talking as we both found each other enigmatic and interesting. However, one night, I said if we were to continue, I would like to get a hiv check. He agreed and we thought no more of it.

One week later, i returned to the clinic and received my terrible news and it has been over 6 weeks since the diagnosis.

I felt numb, lost, terrified and abhorently ill. The emptiness inside was shattering.

When I left the clinic, i switched my mobile phone on and it rang immediately. The caller was my new partner and I told him over the phone. (I did not know until he told me, he knew, instantly when I answered the phone, because It had been over 2 hours since I had been in the clinic and he felt the worst).

He found it incredibly difficult to handle and told me he was terrified. I saw another side to this person and for 2 days all he talked about was how is he going to cope?.  At first I found this startling as I was the one with the diagnosis, but in fact turned all my efforts in to helping him cope with his mental health. It took my mind away from what I was supposed to be dealing with. However 3 days later he told me he could cope no longer and I was sent on my merry way.

Since then I have told 2 dear friends, who did not flinch, falter in their speech or react any differently than in a normal situation.

My family are still unaware and I feel it is important to think very carefully who you talk to, when first diagnosed. I have since found all the medical team at the clinic are extremely encouraging and helpful and I thank God every day that I live in Australia. I am going on early treatment although my viral load and CD4 are normal, but it was asked of me by the medical team as a reserach project and jumped at the chance.

To those poeple, who have been recently diagnosed, do not be afraid. I was, but my mental health started to decline, particularly when my newly found partner left me, a tragedy, as we all need a mate in our lives. But this is a virus, not cureable, but certainly treatable. It is no longer a death sentence, but I believe it is important to maintain mental health, active lifestyle, and wellbeing, as we should all be doing in the first place.

I am still coming to terms with my status, but after 6 weeks from being diagnosed and ongoing medical assistance and support, I am pyschologically feeling a lot better, and focus my days around posivtive thoughts.

I urge everyone to feel happy, do positive things for themselves and stay healthy. Its important.

Thankyou

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Steven

Hi there my name is Steven, I live in Newcastle upon Tyne England and would like to share my experience of living with HIV.

I just want to say what a wonderful site you have I was only told about it last week by a sexual health worker whilst doing a work shop about awareness of HIV being a positive person myself of 12yrs and healthy thanks to medication. I particularly like to read the stories of other people who are positive and are just getting on with their lives. I share my story in the hope it may help someone newly diagnosed or someone who is having a bad time with their status.

I was diagnosed with HIV in January 1993 in Brighton up until that point I believed HIV didn’t affect me and ignored it and carried on with life. The day I was told I was HIV+ I left the clinic and sat in a bus shelter on Brighton seafront and cried and cried and wondered how I was to tell my partner who also was tested shortly after and quickly became ill and died 6mths later.

life seemed pointless at that time as I didn’t know how long it would be before I got ill and lived in fear of when? If? As time went I started to get my life together and decided that HIV wasn’t going to beat me and decided to fight it.

During the 12yrs I've lived with the virus I’ve been on several combinations of drugs and despite the horrid side affects of them and the rejection I’ve received from people, family friends work colleagues it hasn’t made me give up fighting this virus and will carry on and live life to the full.

many thank for a wonderful web site I'll certainly be using it on a regular basis.

Once again many thanks

Steven

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Pat

Hello, great website and have added this link to my homepage.

My name is Pat, I turned 49 this past month and live in Austin, Texas. God must have a reason for me to be here today considering the number of my friends over the past 25 years that have died from complications to HIV/AIDS.

I can remember back in 1982 when I tested positive for HIV and never gave it much thought really at the time. Actually, I have a good idea who infected me since unprotected sex was as common place as turning the light switch off before getting into bed.

Sure, I slept around with a numerous guys, just as any teenager would with females prior to the 80's. Although the last 5 years have been total hell heath wise, numerous hospital stays, devastating drug side effects, near death experiences, and losing my lover of 15 years to PCP, a very bad form of pneumonia.

In 2001, when I was feeling ill, not thinking it could be anything serious other than a bad spell of flu, I went to a local minor emergency, only to be seen a doctor who did some blood work and left to only be called back in the next day to be asked if I had a funeral plan. Of course, I thought this doctor was kidding around, but he was not. I was told that day I was going to die because I had AIDS.

Of course not expecting to hear that, I went home and cried, not because I was told I had AIDS, but because my lover had passed away the same day at the Hospital whiles I was in the Doctor's Office and was called by a friend with the news.

To make a long story short, I went to the Regional HIV Clinic in Austin for another specialized test to verify the doctor's diagnosis. Within a week, it was verified that I had AIDS with a viral load of a little over a million.

Over the next 4 years between all the HIV meds, drug trials and near death experiences in the hospital, it's by the grace of god I am still alive after being HIV+ for 24 years this month.

Currently, I am undetectable, for how long, nobody knows, but I would guess as my doctors tell me, it will only be until the current meds, which were recently approved by the FDA become resistant.

I cannot begin to estimate the number of men that have had sex with me since High School, the majority unprotected at their request even after I told them I was positive.

But today, it's all safe sex regardless if they want to use a condom or not for anal sex, unless that person is poz already.

The year of 2002, I attended more funerals, 13 to be exact of very close friends that died from complications of this terrible disease and hope to attend no more.

I am very proactive in my community about HIV prevention.

pat

AVERT.org: It should be noted that unprotected sex between HIV-positive people is not considered a risk-free activity. Apart from the risk of transmitting other sexually transmitted infections, there is also a small chance of "superinfection" taking place. Superinfection refers to someone becoming reinfected with a different strain of HIV. This can potentially worsen disease progression and complicate treatment. Therefore condoms are recommended even if both partners are already HIV-positive.

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Mark

This is is my message about HIV awareness and prevention after running from all the things I have done wrong and the crimes I committed. I finally got caught and went to jail. At the prison I asked to see a doctor. They took me to see an HIV doctor but I couldn't get an appointment, so I had to go back to jail. They never did take me after that. The sheriff showed me a list of bills that made me feel like he was blowing me off. I thought to myself - why is he showing this to me? I didn't get any meds while I was in that jail. Finally I got so bad I had to beg for medication. I was moved to a different prison and they gave me medication. I asked my mom the other day if she would help me write about my experiences. The following is what we wrote together:

Mark - "Mom how did you feel when I told you I was HIV + in March 1994?" How did Dad feel about it?

Mom - "I was scared to death! I thought you would die within the year, and I believe Dad felt the same way."

Mark - "How did you feel about my first day out of prison when certain family members were too scared to allow me to stay with them and their children because they were scared to death of the rash on my face and the blood and scabs?"

Mom - "I was really glad when you got out son. But I was extremely upset that our family wouldn't let you stay."

Mark - "OK, stop for a minute. This rash - I had it all through jail and prison. I was given some cream for my face but it didn't help, in fact it got worse."

Mom - "Your aunt and uncle felt so bad, but they were scared for their children and didn't want you around them. The way you looked made them scared. They love you Mark! It scared me about the way you looked, but more than the rash I was worried that you had been mistreated and that made me very angry. You looked scared and felt that no one would ever love you. I just want you to know that we love you and if there is anything that you need we are here for you."

Mark - "OK, what made me really angry (and I hope this makes it to every paper in the world) is the following: I finally got a doctor here where my Mom lives and had an HIV genotype done and some other lab work. My CD4 was in double digits and I found out that I was resistant to all of the medication I had been taking. I couldn't beleive what I was hearing and ANGRY is putting it mildly as to how I was feeling at that moment, as well as betrayed. I wanted to sue everyone involved and make them pay for their inability to treat me properly. This isn't a game, it's my life! My mother asked me to let it go. I can't and won't let it go. This has gone too far and I feel I must let the world know about it."

Mark - "How did you feel about me losing weight?"

Mom - "How any mother would feel. WORRIED that you were getting worse and that I was going to lose you! That's my biggest fear!"

Mark - "It's not fun when you lose weight like this because you waste away. When I get night sweats it feels like someone threw a five gallon bucket of water over me."

Since I have been out of prison, I have remained drug free for 3 years. I've been told AIDS is sin. Well it's not, it's a disease. I live in a small country town where there's no AIDS awareness or prevention. Now how can you prevent yourself from catching HIV? Remain abstinent. A lot of people are not willing to refrain from sex however. Unfortunately no sex is the only safe sex. Those words especially go out to teenagers. You have your entire life ahead of you. Think about it. Is sex worth sacrificing your entire future for? AIDS can be transferred via body fluids, semen and blood. If you cannot say no to sex or are older and have found the right person for you, get tested first. If you date more than one person, condoms are good protection, but can break. Don't be afraid of shaking hands with someone who has been infected. Sitting next to a person with HIV will not make you susceptible to catching it and there is no need to worry. I plan to add more to this revision of my letter. I am hoping this gets published and if it does not, it's one more example of the ignorance in this world. That is an infection in itself - ignorance. People are not taking heed to what they are being taught about HIV and don't take it seriously until it is too late.

Mark

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Resilient

Hello, I am a 19 year old gay male living in Los Angeles, California. This is my story of the tragic day I was diagnosed with HIV. Let me start with some background information. I was sexually abused at a very young age which impaired my self esteem and sexual development. I believe that the abuse ignited my sexual drive at a very early age and I began having sex at 12 or 13. Like most adolescents I thought I was invincible and that nothing could ever go wrong. I was aware of the risks, but sometimes during the act I didn't care enough to stop.

Soon after turing 18 I decided to get tested as it had been 2 years since my last test. My best friend and I went to a local clinic. When I was told I was positive I thought "This can't be happening to me." I felt my worth as a human had been stripped from me, and I was just another statistic lost amongst millions of others. I spent 45 minutes gathering myself together. Surprisingly I didn't cry. When we were ready to leave I asked if we could be let out through the back door. I was afraid people would see the expression on my face and know that something was horribly wrong.

A month went by before I finally decided to tell my parents. My mother of course was devastated, but she has learned to cope with my calamity. She is my number one support. I love her so much, and this has strengthened our relationship. It's been about a year since that day and I have a much more positive outlook on life. I don't believe God is punishing me for something I did wrong in my life, but I do feel he has blessed me in some odd way. I feel I have a mission with my infection to help oethers, maybe even find a cure. But I do know that it has taught me a lot about myself that I didn't know before.

Sincerely,

Resilient

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David

My name is David

October 15, 2004, my lover David M~~~ died of AIDS.  He was thirty-two years young and so full of life.  He was a beautiful person.  So gentle, good-natured and loving.  It's been difficult living without him for he was truly the love of my life.  David was not only a published poet and artist with paint and materials, he was a caregiver to his lover before me who also passed away from aids.  He was positive for sixteen years and almost died in his twenties but chose to walk away from the overdoses of AZT doctors had prescribed.  As he always said, "doctors are practitioners of medicine...they're still practicing at their profession."

Two years after David and I got together, I was informed I too was positive.  Not only HIV but HCV, hepatitis C.  My family has turned their back on me so scared of these virus' they are, and it's been my blessing to have David M~~~'s family come to my aid.  They are my family now.  They witness the last six months of David's life in hospice and under my care and saw first hand the devastating reality of AIDS.  Before I die, I want to do whatever I can to bring to the front burner, the need for assisting those with this horrible plague.  To encourage safe sex in the young and old alike.  To remind everyone AIDS cares not who it infects.  Young straight gay upper middle class...anyone living and breathing.  I miss David everyday and look forward to the Day when we'll be together again.  

The only thing that keeps me going is trying to educate the public to this very real menace.   

David L. P. Ms.

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Richard

My name is Richard, I live in Australia now. Where drugs are free and I live a normal life. If you can call it normal.

I grieve still for my wife and child in Africa.

I have a different problem here? American ignorance! Being +HIV = gay. Unlike Africa, I've nothing against homosexuals, but it's not me!

So you must be a drug injector? No!

I now have to deal with two prejudices in a civilized country. America refuses to believe natural sex transmits disease, yet alone US manufactured needles!

I know exactly how it happened! Christine miscarried and was anemic, wanted to visit her nyanga, but me, being white and civilized, I insisted she had a blood transfusion. It was early eighties. Not the sort of thing anyone would do now?

I feel so alone now; still trying to believe it wasn't all my fault?

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Chris

Hi,

As a gay young male I didn’t really know who I was and found myself craving the company of men and having sex with them without knowing their name or who they were. Sex with them gave me a momentary fill. I found my self skipping school to meet men and have hot steamy sex with them. It was killing my self-esteem and I decided to put my life back together.

Well I found out that I was HIV+ around my 18th birthday. I was devastated because I felt that my life was at a complete end. One year later I found a friend that was around my age who was HIV+ and was working in a place where your status did not matter. I went to work for them as a Community Follow-up Worker working with HIV+ homeless clients who needed housing n New York City. Three month later I became a Case Manager Technician and soon a Case worker. Today I am celebrating my 21st birthday!

I am a Senior Case Manager for a nonprofit and quality assurance associate. I am 100% Latino Dominican hot young and sexy. Although at time I suffer from depression I just tell myself:

Although I may be HIV+ I still get looked at and can get any man I want (o’ so I think).

Anything is possible I’ve been positive for close to 3years now and never have I gotten sick, I don’t even take any kinds of meds. Although there are times I can’t do anything; I just choke it up to old age! lol!  Keep hope alive and help out your fellow HIV’er.

Hope this give dreams to those who were like me: with out any!

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Bill

Bill, Ontario, CA

There are two incidents, which, at the time, I did not realize were precursors of my AIDS diagnosis. The first was when I was coming back from a Hemet book club meeting. Making a wrong turn, as I generally did, I was surprised to find myself on some highway or another, driving in the lane for oncoming traffic. I hit one of the rural mailboxes, and then got out of my truck to look at the damage to my side mirror. It was shattered. I continued on in that lane, hoping to see a familiar sight, when, suddenly, a patrol car came over and signaled for me to pull over. I did, and he gave me a Field Sobriety test, which I passed. He then let me go without so much as a citation!

The second was when, one night, coming home from work, I had extreme difficulty in getting through and then locking two gates to the place where I was renting a room from a co-worker, Randy, another Security guard. He knew that I was Gay, but was not bothered by it because he was "Gay-friendly." I recall having to crawl on my belly to reach the steps, the porch and then the front door. This terrified me, because I had never felt like this before.

A few days later, Randy noticed that my speech was nearly unintelligible, and that I had much difficulty in standing, never mind walking. He drove me to the Loma Linda Veterans Hospital, where I spent eleven months!

I recall only brief flashes of these months, except that I do recall three ambulance trips. And, whenever I go back to the VA Hospital for a check-up, inevitably someone will come up to me and call me by my complete name. Then, looking at their faces, I remember them, but not their names. Thank God for name tags! They generally exclaim at how well I am looking, and with a variant of "You were one of those who gave the least trouble." I have always been an amiable man, even now at 63.

I was diagnosed as in the terminal stages of AIDS, and relatives were told that my death was imminent. And just a few days earlier, I felt fine! Upon admission, my viral load count was 300,000. and Randy was told that if he had not taken me in when he did, I would have died within two days.

The doctors there were willing to write me off as a near-vegetable, but not Dr. Ing. He felt that he could help me, and he did. He actually saved my life. He said that my strong will to live, and my self-determination helped. And my nearly-daily visits by my niece and nephew, and frequent visits by Randy and another friend helped, too. I thank God on a daily basis for His intervention, and for that of Dr. Ing.

My dementia for that eleven month period bothers me, because I have always had a strong memory. But Dr. Ing thinks that a relatively new medication MAY help me to remember those lost months.

In the meantime, I am quite open about my Gayness, and about my AIDS situation. For the past couple of years, Dr. Ing has told me that my viral load count was "not at a detectable level." So you see, I have high hopes for my continued life, as long as I remain on my regimen of MANY pills daily.

My dear Robert, with whom I shared 23 years and two months of nearly always good times together, died of AIDS on my 50th birthday in 2000. Back then, there was little available for the treatment. And, he died rather quickly, less than a year after his initial diagnosis. I did not get AIDS from him, though. As soon as he realized that he was not feeling right, he refused to have sex with me. And I had not had sex with anyone for a couple of years before that, while living in L.A.

Dr. Ing told me that the virus could have lain dormant, and then emerged when I was weak. I had been very tired with a part-time 10-hour job, and two other part-time jobs.

I have been sexually non-active, through no wish of my own. But, living in one institution or another, there has been little opportunity have sex with another man. I was told by my doctor that it would be OK, as long as I used a condom. Now, to find another good man!

I have a "civilian" friend, Julius, who is also Gay-friendly. He told me that he knows a couple of sites for AIDS-positive males wanting to get with others in the same situation. I can hardly wait. Four or more years of unwanted abstinence is quite a long time, especially for someone like me, who had always before had quite an active sex life.

So, wish me well. I hope that this can let others know that there is life after the "Death Notice" that AIDS used to be, and that there is hope for all!

Sincerely,

Bill

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