Infected Mother

I tested positive in 2009 January. My biggest fear was infecting my unborn child. The father of the child is very supportive ( he also tested positive) & we are planning to get married soon. I have not told my friends & family however & I want it to stay that way. My daughter tested negative at 6 weeks, I still fear about her status though (mainly because she has eczema & breaks out every once in a while) & will take her for another test at 18 months. I enjoy life, I have plans of living a full life & I have just told myself that this H I V will never evolve to AIDS. I will beat it.

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JVE

I was diagnosed with HIV in 2007. In December 2006 I started to get very sick and went from doctor to Doctor and no Doctor seemed to know what the real problem was, until my house doctor advised me to take an HIV test.

I was very keen to take the test "knowing" that I was Negative, cause I tested in March 2006 and again in December 2006 and both my results was negative. So I knew in my heart that there is no way that I can be positive. Until I got my results back, and they where no sure because it was believed that I was in my early stage. The doctor advised me to come back in four months time to do another test. I was very scared to return for a second test, but decided to go anyway.

I finally found out in June 2007 that I was HIV positive. My whole world came crushing down on me; the only thing on my mind was committing suicide. By then I had a daughter who was 4 years old and married to my first husband, who was not very supportive after finding out about my status. We both went for another test, his was Negative and mine positive.

We had problems in our marriage for more than 3 years, and they even became worse when I found out he had been sleeping with Prostitutes. I could not come to terms with what he has done to our marriage and made wrong decisions in my life. I was seeing another guy, whom I believe infected me, it must be him cause my ex husband was Negative and I was only seeing him, so it had to be him. Unfortunately this was long after we ended the “relationship" so there was no way I could asked him to go for an HIV test.

Life was hard, cause my ex husband was not supportive; he went to neighbours and friends spreading the news of my HIV status. At that moment I met this other guy not working far from where I worked and we became friends, but he wanted to be more then friends. I was so miserable and negative and just wanted to die.

One evening I could not hold back my tears and cried the whole night long, the next morning I decided not to go to work and just end my life once and for all.  The guy whom I met at work called me that very same day and asked me why am I not at work, cause he has been calling the whole time with no avail, he could hear in my voice that something was wrong and wanted to know what it was?

So I thought to myself, what do I have to loose? minus one problem, let me tell him about my status cause that is the fastest way to get him running, to my surprise he asked me where I stay and came over same time, "mind you- it was during working hours" so we talked and talked and he convince me that it was not the end of the world and that I should think of my daughter and that live goes on.

I must say, I felt better after talking to him and decided not to go ahead in committing suicide.

I thought I have seen the last of him, but he did not desert me like my ex husband. Things got worse at home, my ex even took the next step by telling his mom, who "by the way don't like me" and all hell broke loose.

This other guy was so caring and supportive and I decided to end my marriage because there was nothing left of it anyway. “My ex cheated on me with prostitutes"  "I wanted to get even but paid the price!"

Long story short, eventually me and this other guy became very close, moved in together, we have a 2 year old healthy son, and we recently got married. He is the best thing that ever happen to me, and I thank The LORD above for sending me an angel like him. He has been there for me since day 1 and I don't regret letting him into my life. He supports me financially and emotionally. He has never turned his back on me and keeps me going. He told me that he loved me so much, that he is willing to die with me. Luckily he has been tested negative every time, and for that I am very grateful to God. I don't want his angel to be hurt....

I recently took a CD4 count which is above 300. I don’t wish for long-life, but I just want to see my little babies grow and see them go to high school or even finishing grade 12 if God allows me to.

I believe, everything has a reason. God won't give you something heavy to carry, if he knows you won't be able to carry it.

To all you guys out there who are living with HIV and AIDS, keep faith and try to stay strong. HIV is not the end of the world, there is life after all.....

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Anon

I found out that I was HIV positive at what i thought was supposed to be a happy time for every women. I was 21 and just found out i was pregnant. The "father" of my child skipped town on me and left me to find out on my own that he not only got me pregnant, but infected me and my life. I found out nov 30th 07

Like alot of other ppl who just find out their status i felt betrayed, grossed out to be in my own skin and alone. I have told all my close nit friends and only one of them actually had a problem with knowing and was scared that i might infect her and/or her family. After learning more myself and schooling her on HIV we have moved past it but we have still yet to see each other since Ive been diagnosed. I have also told one guy who turned me down but to be honest, unless I was here today I cant say I wouldnt either

Im scared that it will be just my daughter and I ( who was born negative) because I wont find someone understanding enough to look past the HIV. I'm scared that one of these days when I go get blood work the viral load will jump through the roof. I'm scared how my daughter will handle the thought of me not being around forever.

It pisses me off how much research and support there is for cancer ( dont get me wrong both of my grandparents have had cancer) and marathons etc. Every other month it seems to be breast cancer wk or colon cancer wk.. HIV awareness DAY. Im sorry i get a little bit bitter towards the cancer subject. I would much rather have been told i have breast cancer and was going to loose both or one of my breasts, then then to be told that i have HIV and i have a good chance of living a healthly life; if i stay healthy.

Whatever, and this bs. that a persons HIV status is confedentail but its illegal to not disclose sexually. Then why the hell isnt my daughter's "father" not behind bars ?? He didnt tell me!!! And from what ive been told there isnt much I can do to find him.

I'm a beautiful 24 yr old single mother with a life time of crap ahead of me..... but god sent me the most wonderful daughter anyone could ever ask for.... maybe now ill find the worlds most wonderful man??

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Anon

I am 24 years old and was born HIV positive. My mom died from AIDS when i was 5 years old. Oct 5th 2008 i met this guy and fell in love i didnt inform him that positve which was a huge mistake, im regretting it now. He eventually found out and was very agry with me which i dont blame him. He got tested and was negative thank god but i lost the love of my life because i was to ashamed and scared to tell him the truth.

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Tsholofelo

When I felt pregnant I was so happy that I would have my first child at the age of 30 but you know you have to do some test and I wasn’t scared knowing that I’ve protected myself for a long time.

After doing the HIV test I was told that I’m HIV positive, I thought they are joking but I knew who to talk to first. I cried as he was negative too, I wondered what the hell is going on. After 3 months he went again (for a test) he was still negative.

He was there all the way and he always reminded me to take my pills, that was so relieving. The most difficult thing was to tell my parents as they wanted me to come and have the baby at home, but I refused. I told my mom after giving birth when she asked why I don’t breastfeed. She was so surprised too but because she a mother and nurse she told me not to worry.

Up to today my parents are strong, I’m strong and still have my husband. My husband told me not think too much about it and I do I still have a normal life and my daughter is negative, she makes me to be strong each and everyday. HIV is not a death sentence, it’s just as normal as CANCER, DIABETES ETC.

DON'T BE FUSSY ABOUT IT, JUST ACCEPT IT, AND MOVE ON!!!!!!!!!
 

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Tia

Being on here make me realize how irresponsible i was with my life. I am 20 years old and will be 21 in the next couple of days. And I don't know whether I am positive or negative. I've had 4 sexual partners and out of the 4 I've had unprotected sex 3 of them including the man I've fallen so deeply in love with. And it's like why was I so stupid, why wasn't i smart enough to not have sex without a condom. In the beginning we would use a condom but the second go round we wouldn't. Recently i had a routine check up and the nurse asked whether or not i wanted a HIV test and i froze up for a minute. I didn't know whether or not I should say yes or no. But i said yes and then she took my blood. The doctor said if i was to hear from her afterwords then i should worry and if i didn't hear back from her there's nothing to worry about. Well I got a letter in the mail saying i needed to come into the doctors office to go over some lab results with her. And my heart dropped because in my mind I already know what she was going to tell me but I really wouldn't until i go in and find out what she is going to say.

When i received the letter my heart dropped because i felt it in my heart that she will tell me I'm positive. And my reaction would be how will i tell the man that i love so much that I have this virus and that he might have it to, how will i tell my family that the smart daughter that they raised made some stupid decisions and the end result was me getting HIV. I've been going through my mind on how i could find the right words to tell them. I'm scared for me, but scared for the man that i love as well. I finally found someone and he is the best man that i have ever met but i don't think he would forgive me for this to be honest i think he would kill me. Tomorrow Jan 1 is when i found out what my lab results are. If you have the feeling that you have the virus, are you right about what you feel or is it just nerves. As you can see this isn't the end to my story i will be back to report on my results. All i can do is pray...

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Nene

hi, i am 34yrs of age and was diagnosed last year when i was pregnant with my 1st baby,i had no choice but to accept because i guess i had no choice and be strong for my family and my unborn child. My fiancee left me when I was 5 months pregnant and even know he doesnt know about my status and didnt tell him because i felt that he knew something. My cd 4 was 796 and v/l was 24 000 was on treatment for 3months and baby is negative. Finding out  about my status made me discover my strongest abilities such as helping others not to loose hope as they are not the only ones. I told myself tha i wont surrender to the disease but will die a natural death.My cd 4 count is now 661 and v/l is 540. I am not on any treatment except the herbs, they helps me as well to get my strength back.

i pray and hope that one day the will be a cure and i want to salute all the women living with the disease to remain as strong as they are and keep on helping others, the same way i got.

AVERT.org: Whilst it is possible that some herbal products may help, this remains unproven; they certainly should not be used as a replacement for antiretroviral therapy.

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Khidijah

i was involve with the father of my son for three years and for the first two years we were very happy until he decided to cheat on me with a young lady he left and stayed with her for two months and i didnt bother and then they got seperated and he ask me if he can come back home and i said fine only if he is not gonna do it again and that we must go for counselling but at the time i didnt think about the test and everything okay we stayed together for then then i fall pregnant and then was it that i find out that im positive it came as a shock but i keeped on praying this time i left him and went on with my life the support was out of this world from family and friends and until know im a happy mother my son is negative i met a wonderful that is negative and i told him but he still wants to spend the rest of his life with me and he comes with me to my check ups and we do evevrything together i live my life as normal as possible thanks to all the support and the great unconditional love of god...........

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Hope

In 1996 I had a relationship with a boy named John. He was the one who infected me with HIV, I know this because I had the opportunity to him see again years later. He did not know anything about my situation. ...... and never thought to tell him, why, because it was no longer worthwhile. I am well and there is no return ..... 
  
That same year I met a guy who was called Michael, who I married in 1997. Being the only son of his family he wanted children, but I have been diagnosed with a medical condition since 1990 that makes it difficult., I am  a special case for the study of medicine. I am a generalized Situs inversus, which means that all my organs inside my body are reversed or mirrored from their normal positions. For example, my heart is on the right side, left side of the liver........ Anyway I went to a doctor and she said I was a Situs Inversus and for that reason it was difficult for me to get pregnant even after several attempts. I have been going to my doctor all my life, to do all the tests necessary to see if I was in good health and to see if I was able to procreate in the following years. This is when we discovered that I was HIV positive, my husband was tested negative. It was very hard for me but my husband supported me in everything and did not leave me alone.
 
I went to the University Hospital to which I conducted the final test, which is where they establish the amount of viral load at that moment, the doctor told me that there was no need for treatments as I did not have a viral load...... At the end of the year we split up because of his work and he began to have problems with alcohol, and because he started to be physically abusive. It was for that reason that I decided to leave and break the relationship not because of my status. He knows he is not infected because he is a lifetime blood donor.
  
I moved to a room because I could not continue paying the rent where I lived. I started going out with my friends again and meet more people, but without having anything with anyone. 
  
In 1999, I met Ricki, a boy from a good family, educated, and liked him a lot. I told him about my experience with my ex-husband, but nothing more. That same year we became partners and began to maintain intimate relationships without being careful in any way. After just over a year, I was without treatment or anything, I started to feel sick and went to my family doctor. The result was that I was pregnant, news that surprised my whole family, because my parents are also inverted, and so we took it as a blessing from God ......
 
At that time I went back to University Hospital to put me on ARV treatment, which was the suggestion of my physician. I was told there of the possibilities that my daughter could be born healthy if I take the treatment and so I did. I took the treatment until the day that my daughter was born, and thanks to God she is completely healthy. ...... 8 months after she was born I separated from her father as we did not get on and could not continue longer together. For my part the separation was very hard to the point that I lost 20 kilos in a month, I started to stop smoking and stopped my treatment.
 
I then left the city to distance myself from him. From that moment I was left alone with my daughter, without a partner or anything, I started retaking treatment in the city where I was living, My immune defences had fallen a little, but I was not developing anything, I had to change treatment a lot as my body was developing antibodies to the previous treatment. We continued testing my daughter until she was 4 years old and she is still wonderfully healthy. Thank God, and we know she is not infected because she has donated blood and has been tested every time. Testing when you go to donate blood because it is indispensable. 
  
In 2007 a close friend suggested to me to go to another country and work caring for her father who was very ill, and in turn suggested to me to move to this country and with my daughter and provide us a better future, which I accepted, and travelled there in January 2008. In the month of February of that year I met my current partner called Daniel, a wonderful guy, educated, with good values and moral principles, a man that any woman would want to have by her side for the rest of her life, one who is madly in love.
 
At the end of May this year I had a delay in my menstruation and I decided to have a pregnancy test, which came out positive, I'm pregnant. Hearing the news was like a trigger for me to tell him about my HIV status, because I could not hide the truth any longer, he does not deserve it, so I decided to summon up courage and tell the truth of my situation. He took it well at first, but now things have changed a bit. We have not had intimate relations since I gave him the news. I understand this fully, it is in all his right, he needs time to accept it. We went to get him tested and the results came out negative because I have had an undetectable viral load for some time now, thank God, but we have still not had intimate relations. This affects me a lot, I feel rejected, I have talked about condoms but I don’t feel great about that because every time we will see a condom, it is going to remind me and reaffirm what I have, and this is doing me lots of moral damage, because I know he loves me as he demonstrates by being by my side and not abandoning me. But I don’t know what to do. I feel alone; I feel rejected what to do?????? 
  


This is my story; I hope it can serve other people

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Isha

During my pregnancy I found out I was HIV+ and it was a day just before Christmas. I went to my doctor for a check up knowing that I had done an HIV test. I didnt expect the results that day but even though the doctor told me he had my results I was not bothered at all because in my mind I was sure I was negative. The doctor went to take my results as my fiance and I were sitting down waiting. He came back and I could see my fiance panicking as he is the one more emotional than I. the doctor set down as he opened my file and read the results to us. You are HIV+, he said. I didnt say anything in shock as my mind just stopped working at all. My God, I said. My doctor continued to speak and giving us advice and telling my fiance to go test as well. He told me about my CD4 count and viral load of which I didnt even hear what he was saying at the time.

My doctor gave a prescription of is called TRIOMUNE 30, it was a very good medicine he said as it was just introduced and was a combination of the HIV meds. As I said it was just a day before Christmas and you can just imagine the mood everyone is in. I was going driving home that day as I like spending my holidays with my family. I am a kind of person that when I find out about something disturbing I switch off and not even feel hurt over it but when it hits me it really does. I got home and we were all happy to be together as we are a only girls at home (5 girls) and my mother is a single parent which I met only in 2004 Dec, 22 yrs at the time. When I first saw my mother she was really struggling and poor with 3kids as my old sister and I were brought up by my dad. Saying anything to my mother would destroy her as she has a soft heart and all of them basically at home are very fragile compared to me.

I didnt want to spoil the holidays for them really and I was the bread winner at home and still am as I said when I found my mom she was really struggling. The night before Christmas I watched all of them busy up and down preparing for Christmas. Cooking, baking and all that and remember that I was still pregnant at the time therefore they just told me to sit there and relax because we were up and down after my doctors appointment buying everything needed. I remember sitting in the lounge alone whist they were playing gospel music so loud. At home we are all Christians and God comes first. As they were busy in the kitchen I just sat there and listened to the music playing, oh God tears started falling from my eyes as I really thought of this deeply this time, what it meant for my unborn baby, what it meant for my future. I cried, really cried because since I had been told the news I had not responded anyhow. Unfortunately my mom saw me and she asked what is wrong now baby. I couldnt say anything but cry. My sisters came as well and my big sister who understood me better than all of them came as well. She said to them no ma dont worry I know she is only crying because she is in worship because of the songs that they were playing. I couldnt stop crying really and my mom started crying as well, it started to be a very sad moment for us now. Just imagine if they cry only because they saw me cry how much more if they had known what was going within me.

I started taking meds to prevent my baby from getting infected and now she is a beautiful 3mnths old and I am so crazy about her. Eventually my fiance went for a test this year as well and he was HIV+ as I knew already because I knew he gave me that disease as I was a very careful in my past relationships. The good thing is that both our CD4 counts are still fine. Mine is 451 and his 351 but my worry is that I was recently tested for TB and it was positive and now I am on treatment and my fiance is. They gave pills for my baby as well to prevent me from giving it to her. My big worry is that I am a smoker and its very hard for me to stop as I am used into and I tried stopping but I always fail. My fiance smokes as well and this is not good for both of us mostly I with TB I know. My life is just a mess at he moment and with every puff I take I think of my baby and I value her and I grew without my mother and I worry that by smoking I am taking the opportunity of leaving a longer life with my kid. She is my princess and I do everything for her hence I got to stop smoking.

Besides all this I know God is my strength I am not only strong because I can do it but because God gives me strength and He sustains me. He is looking after my baby and he is a God of possibilities and He surpasses all circumstance.

To you all out there please take care of yourselves and know that Greater is God than any disease out there, be strong all the time and know that even the person next door might be living with HIV but you dont know as she doesnt know about you, therefore dont feel sorry for yourself. Live your life and be strong. Be healthy.

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Hephie

Am female aged 46 years of age.  I was diagnosed with HIV/AIDS in 1999.  when I realised that I lost hope.  At My work place I was discriminated against and decided to stop working. when the father of my children also started noticing the signs on me he also abandoned me and the kids.  We were left without food and school fees for the children.  But some friends of mine kept on encouraging me and got a job on contract in the Ministry of Education and Sports.

When my daughter also realised that I was sick she started becoming very agitated and soon dropped out of a first class school and told me that I should get her another school.  That meant I had to get some more money to start in a new school.  It was such a trying moment but eventually she enrolled in another school with the help of friends. 

Recently my son also stopped attending classes because he was missing his father figure.  But with Gods Grace he managed to finish his high school waiting to go to University.  Now am on ARVs doing well (healthy) but having financial problems to take my son to the University.

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Somza

Hi

You can call me Somza, I am the lady of 37yrs old and soon I will be 38yrs old. I have a disability using wheelchair and I also live with HIV\AIDS and on ART Treatment.

I want to share my story with you. If you a person with disability sometimes is hard to be in the relationship especially in our community. I met this guy in 2002 and we fell in love and by that I thought because I have the disability I won't have HIV but I was wrong. I found out that the guy was cheating at me and we did not use protection by the time I realised that it was too late for me because he had already infected me with the virus.

I was angry at him and at my self for not being careful as I used to be  after finding out that I am pos. So the only person whom I first told was my best friend who is my colleague and she supported me all the time. She always cared for me and show me love I do not know where I would be without her. She supported me even when I started the ART and right now on the 20 May 2009 I will be living with the virus for 6yrs and for me I take this as my Second birthday because I was given a Second Chance to LIVE FULLY and Successfully.

Right now I wish to tell all people with disabilities that they are not immune to HIV/AIDS and must always use protection. I wish to be an activist fighting for the rights of People with Disabilities living with HIV/AIDS because there is no support system in our country for People like us. I know I am going to live up to the age of 70 with HIV and I want to see my Children graduating working for themselves.

SOMZA

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Rhonda

My name is Rhonda and I am 44yrs old.  I was diagnosed with aids actually in 2003.  I had been a single mom of three for about 6yrs.  After my divorce in 97, it was a whole new life for me, and I struggled working and providing for my kids on my own for the first time ever in my life.  When I was diagnosed, I had had alot of stress, and had to take a leave of absense from work to be with my 14yr old son who was struggling with some issues. 

When everything cleared up with him, and I was getting ready to go back to work, I found out I was very sick, apparently because my immune system had gotten run down from the stress of everything.  I ended up in the hospital with  PCP, which is how they finally diagnosed me.  I had a cd4 of 0, and a viral load of over 100,000.  I was very sick, and they didn't expect me to live. I was so sick, that there were alot of things that are just a blur to me.  I apparently had been infected since 98, they say, but what is strange about that, is that I had, had an hiv test in 98, and it had come back negative.  The timing must have just been off, because that is the year that I dated the man who gave me hiv, I found out much later.  I remember being so sick that I was transferred from one hospital to another, and remember friends and family, coming back and forth to be with me.  I also remember a couple of chaplains visiting me.  I am a preachers daughter also, so my family and I had always believed in the power of prayer, along with several friends of mine from work, and churches we attended.  I remember my family bringing a cd player into my hospital room, so that I could listen to praise and worship music.  Several people had visited me and prayed with me also.  One day there was a nurse who came to take me to xray.  When she brought me back, she asked my parents if they believed in the power of prayer.  They said yes.  She said that she wanted to pray with me, but she had something else to do first and she would be back.  As she started to leave, she turned back around and said "No, God said do it now".  So they all gathered around my bed and held hands and prayed.  My parents said that this nurse prayed such a powerful prayer that the hair on the back of thier necks stood up.  Then she left.  From that moment on, I started to get better. 

My parents looked for her later, and even asked the hospital staff about her, and no one had ever heard of her, or knew of anyone that resembled her working there.  We had never seen her before that time, and never saw her after.  I know without a doubt, that she was an angel sent from God.  I stayed in the hospital for two and a half weeks, and the hospital staff told my parents that I was the sickest patient they had ever seen, that had what I had, and ended up leaving the hospital alive.  My life has never been the same.  For the first year after that I was just happy to be alive.  The next year I was waiting to die, because I thought it was a death sentence.  The rest of the time has been learning to live with it and deal with life with it.  All the medicines I have taken have worked well, and my cd4 steadly goes up, and my viral load has been undetectable for the last few years.  Lately though, I have experienced some kidney problems with the medicines and had to switch.  I am still getting used to new meds.  I also recently got remarried after 12yrs of being single, and all of my kids grown and gone. 

I married a man that has hiv also, but we have struggled from the beginning, and I am not sure how it is going to turn out.  We have been married for almost 6mos now, and have only lived together maybe 1month.  We live in two differnt states.  I think I have started having some health issues again because of the stress. The main thing I would like to get across to people and especially teenagers, is that even though nowadays hiv does not have to be a death sentence, its not as trivial as they think.  Alot of teenagers think it will never happen to them, or that if it does, they will just take a pill and be fine the rest of thier life.  Its not like that.  You go through alot.  You can have severe reactions to medications, you can become immune to medications, you can have kidney and liver failure because of the medications, but you also can't live without them, because you can get an opportunistic infection and die.  So its no fun at all. 

It can be an emotional, and physical struggle daily, not to mention a social struggle.  No one tells you, you feel like no one will ever want you again, and when you do find someone to date you, you have to go through the process of telling them, and taking the chance that they will give you a chance or run scared.  No one tells you the stomach problems from the meds, or the mouth problems from infected gums, or kidney problems, or liver problems, night sweats, hair falling out, and the list goes on. 

You can have a productive life, and things can be ok, and some people don't ever get sick, because they catch it early enough, but you never know how its gonna be.  I will say though, I could never have gone through all this without my faith in God, and for whatever reason He chose to keep me alive.  So......thats what keeps me going.

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Valarie

I would like to tell part of my story.  I am a 37-yr-old mother with a 17-yr-old daughter.  I used to judge people by how they looked, nasty, promiscuous, on drugs, whatever.  I was so judgmental....til i found out about me.  

I found out I was positive in 1996. that was a long time ago. It's been more than 13 years. I was one of those that would have never been tested. I didn't do drugs, drink, or sleep with a lot of guys.  I just stayed home waiting for my "wonderful man".  

It wasn't so bad at the time because I assumed that we would be together forever since we both found out within 2 weeks.  But no, a few months after that, i caught him sleeping with a 17-yr-old girl in my house. (Oh yeah, It gets better. lol.)

I then married him and was miserable for 5 more years because I didn't think anybody else would ever want me.  I soon found the courage to leave him and met someone that loves me 100% for me.

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N..

Hi My Beautiful People

My name is N sorry don’t wanna give my name out.

I would like to share my story for the first time since I tested.
I have read all your stories and this just gives me joy and courage to share my story.

I am 29-years-old gifted, beautiful South African women, I found out I was HIV+ in 2005. I have a 6 year old beautiful princess who is the reason I wake up in the morning and work hard for my life, she is such an inspiration that I sometimes forget I m + just because I watch her grow to be this intelligent angel.
I got involved with a guy who was + and didn’t have a clue he was since he looked so innocent and clean like you cant believe, our relationship got so heated up that we made a mistake of taking a decision to have sex without a condom and that was a day I despise even today.
After some time I heard rumours he was very sick but I couldn’t believe what people said I then decided to confront him but he denied it and suggested we test to prove his innocence. On our way to the clinic he decided he had to take care of some business as he received a phone call from his office.
I then agree and he promised we could make it some other time well it was fine with me.

We forgot about it until three weeks later I came  home to a cooked dinner flowers and there was a letter on our bed saying I m sorry on the outside.
Well I thought maybe it was just a letter of saying our relationship doesn’t work out. When I opened the letter and started reading it I felt like I couldn’t breath, my heart was pounding so much I just needed water but he was there to ease me down on what was in the there. I cried myself to sleep as I had decided to sleep in the other bedroom I cried like I had lost someone close to me I woke up to a pounding headache, red swollen eyes. I couldn’t face him the whole day and couldn’t  even go home he tried to give me food pamper me,I wasn’t myself until a good four days. Until I knelt down and prayed very hard. I ve since told my cousin who I trust very much and a friend of mine who is also positive and we confide to each other now and then. I would never tell my mom I love her too much to hurt her I m the only child so I can imagine how this would break her into pieces… I know she is strong but think I would loose her If I were to tell her. She is overly sensitive when it comes to my well-being and we were never close with my mom but I’ve grown to understand that she just loves me that’s why she was always and still strict to me. We are very close now, I realise how she long for our mother and daughter relationship I was never there for her as I was so close to my dad. So to break the news would devastate and think she will loose me.

 Coming back to my story.

We then decide to get me tested I was not that bad my CD4 count was 350 didn’t start treatment as I was still a little safe, the clinic gave me counselling and they gave me necessary treatment including pills that would prevent me from getting TB…… I think I was so close to get it but with Gods grace, it never happened.   

I was never angry at the guy, I was also old enough to take care of myself well I m still living today, still not on treatment my CD4 is going higher and higher.
I m engaged to the guy as he vowed that day he would never leave me he would love me for ever, we getting married in December 2009 and I m 4 months pregnant, living life like I m negative. I m never turning back, I m just nervous that I m gonna have to start taking ARV’s ill just have to be strong for my unborn baby.

We are beautiful and very lucky to know where we stand and taking further precautions, take care of you and I love you all kisses to all who will read.

I will live for ever I will not die of aids, I will defeat this disease.

Thanks
N

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