Isha

During my pregnancy I found out I was HIV+ and it was a day just before Christmas. I went to my doctor for a check up knowing that I had done an HIV test. I didnt expect the results that day but even though the doctor told me he had my results I was not bothered at all because in my mind I was sure I was negative. The doctor went to take my results as my fiance and I were sitting down waiting. He came back and I could see my fiance panicking as he is the one more emotional than I. the doctor set down as he opened my file and read the results to us. You are HIV+, he said. I didnt say anything in shock as my mind just stopped working at all. My God, I said. My doctor continued to speak and giving us advice and telling my fiance to go test as well. He told me about my CD4 count and viral load of which I didnt even hear what he was saying at the time.

My doctor gave a prescription of is called TRIOMUNE 30, it was a very good medicine he said as it was just introduced and was a combination of the HIV meds. As I said it was just a day before Christmas and you can just imagine the mood everyone is in. I was going driving home that day as I like spending my holidays with my family. I am a kind of person that when I find out about something disturbing I switch off and not even feel hurt over it but when it hits me it really does. I got home and we were all happy to be together as we are a only girls at home (5 girls) and my mother is a single parent which I met only in 2004 Dec, 22 yrs at the time. When I first saw my mother she was really struggling and poor with 3kids as my old sister and I were brought up by my dad. Saying anything to my mother would destroy her as she has a soft heart and all of them basically at home are very fragile compared to me.

I didnt want to spoil the holidays for them really and I was the bread winner at home and still am as I said when I found my mom she was really struggling. The night before Christmas I watched all of them busy up and down preparing for Christmas. Cooking, baking and all that and remember that I was still pregnant at the time therefore they just told me to sit there and relax because we were up and down after my doctors appointment buying everything needed. I remember sitting in the lounge alone whist they were playing gospel music so loud. At home we are all Christians and God comes first. As they were busy in the kitchen I just sat there and listened to the music playing, oh God tears started falling from my eyes as I really thought of this deeply this time, what it meant for my unborn baby, what it meant for my future. I cried, really cried because since I had been told the news I had not responded anyhow. Unfortunately my mom saw me and she asked what is wrong now baby. I couldnt say anything but cry. My sisters came as well and my big sister who understood me better than all of them came as well. She said to them no ma dont worry I know she is only crying because she is in worship because of the songs that they were playing. I couldnt stop crying really and my mom started crying as well, it started to be a very sad moment for us now. Just imagine if they cry only because they saw me cry how much more if they had known what was going within me.

I started taking meds to prevent my baby from getting infected and now she is a beautiful 3mnths old and I am so crazy about her. Eventually my fiance went for a test this year as well and he was HIV+ as I knew already because I knew he gave me that disease as I was a very careful in my past relationships. The good thing is that both our CD4 counts are still fine. Mine is 451 and his 351 but my worry is that I was recently tested for TB and it was positive and now I am on treatment and my fiance is. They gave pills for my baby as well to prevent me from giving it to her. My big worry is that I am a smoker and its very hard for me to stop as I am used into and I tried stopping but I always fail. My fiance smokes as well and this is not good for both of us mostly I with TB I know. My life is just a mess at he moment and with every puff I take I think of my baby and I value her and I grew without my mother and I worry that by smoking I am taking the opportunity of leaving a longer life with my kid. She is my princess and I do everything for her hence I got to stop smoking.

Besides all this I know God is my strength I am not only strong because I can do it but because God gives me strength and He sustains me. He is looking after my baby and he is a God of possibilities and He surpasses all circumstance.

To you all out there please take care of yourselves and know that Greater is God than any disease out there, be strong all the time and know that even the person next door might be living with HIV but you dont know as she doesnt know about you, therefore dont feel sorry for yourself. Live your life and be strong. Be healthy.

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Hephie

Am female aged 46 years of age.  I was diagnosed with HIV/AIDS in 1999.  when I realised that I lost hope.  At My work place I was discriminated against and decided to stop working. when the father of my children also started noticing the signs on me he also abandoned me and the kids.  We were left without food and school fees for the children.  But some friends of mine kept on encouraging me and got a job on contract in the Ministry of Education and Sports.

When my daughter also realised that I was sick she started becoming very agitated and soon dropped out of a first class school and told me that I should get her another school.  That meant I had to get some more money to start in a new school.  It was such a trying moment but eventually she enrolled in another school with the help of friends. 

Recently my son also stopped attending classes because he was missing his father figure.  But with Gods Grace he managed to finish his high school waiting to go to University.  Now am on ARVs doing well (healthy) but having financial problems to take my son to the University.

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Somza

Hi

You can call me Somza, I am the lady of 37yrs old and soon I will be 38yrs old. I have a disability using wheelchair and I also live with HIV\AIDS and on ART Treatment.

I want to share my story with you. If you a person with disability sometimes is hard to be in the relationship especially in our community. I met this guy in 2002 and we fell in love and by that I thought because I have the disability I won't have HIV but I was wrong. I found out that the guy was cheating at me and we did not use protection by the time I realised that it was too late for me because he had already infected me with the virus.

I was angry at him and at my self for not being careful as I used to be  after finding out that I am pos. So the only person whom I first told was my best friend who is my colleague and she supported me all the time. She always cared for me and show me love I do not know where I would be without her. She supported me even when I started the ART and right now on the 20 May 2009 I will be living with the virus for 6yrs and for me I take this as my Second birthday because I was given a Second Chance to LIVE FULLY and Successfully.

Right now I wish to tell all people with disabilities that they are not immune to HIV/AIDS and must always use protection. I wish to be an activist fighting for the rights of People with Disabilities living with HIV/AIDS because there is no support system in our country for People like us. I know I am going to live up to the age of 70 with HIV and I want to see my Children graduating working for themselves.

SOMZA

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Rhonda

My name is Rhonda and I am 44yrs old.  I was diagnosed with aids actually in 2003.  I had been a single mom of three for about 6yrs.  After my divorce in 97, it was a whole new life for me, and I struggled working and providing for my kids on my own for the first time ever in my life.  When I was diagnosed, I had had alot of stress, and had to take a leave of absense from work to be with my 14yr old son who was struggling with some issues. 

When everything cleared up with him, and I was getting ready to go back to work, I found out I was very sick, apparently because my immune system had gotten run down from the stress of everything.  I ended up in the hospital with  PCP, which is how they finally diagnosed me.  I had a cd4 of 0, and a viral load of over 100,000.  I was very sick, and they didn't expect me to live. I was so sick, that there were alot of things that are just a blur to me.  I apparently had been infected since 98, they say, but what is strange about that, is that I had, had an hiv test in 98, and it had come back negative.  The timing must have just been off, because that is the year that I dated the man who gave me hiv, I found out much later.  I remember being so sick that I was transferred from one hospital to another, and remember friends and family, coming back and forth to be with me.  I also remember a couple of chaplains visiting me.  I am a preachers daughter also, so my family and I had always believed in the power of prayer, along with several friends of mine from work, and churches we attended.  I remember my family bringing a cd player into my hospital room, so that I could listen to praise and worship music.  Several people had visited me and prayed with me also.  One day there was a nurse who came to take me to xray.  When she brought me back, she asked my parents if they believed in the power of prayer.  They said yes.  She said that she wanted to pray with me, but she had something else to do first and she would be back.  As she started to leave, she turned back around and said "No, God said do it now".  So they all gathered around my bed and held hands and prayed.  My parents said that this nurse prayed such a powerful prayer that the hair on the back of thier necks stood up.  Then she left.  From that moment on, I started to get better. 

My parents looked for her later, and even asked the hospital staff about her, and no one had ever heard of her, or knew of anyone that resembled her working there.  We had never seen her before that time, and never saw her after.  I know without a doubt, that she was an angel sent from God.  I stayed in the hospital for two and a half weeks, and the hospital staff told my parents that I was the sickest patient they had ever seen, that had what I had, and ended up leaving the hospital alive.  My life has never been the same.  For the first year after that I was just happy to be alive.  The next year I was waiting to die, because I thought it was a death sentence.  The rest of the time has been learning to live with it and deal with life with it.  All the medicines I have taken have worked well, and my cd4 steadly goes up, and my viral load has been undetectable for the last few years.  Lately though, I have experienced some kidney problems with the medicines and had to switch.  I am still getting used to new meds.  I also recently got remarried after 12yrs of being single, and all of my kids grown and gone. 

I married a man that has hiv also, but we have struggled from the beginning, and I am not sure how it is going to turn out.  We have been married for almost 6mos now, and have only lived together maybe 1month.  We live in two differnt states.  I think I have started having some health issues again because of the stress. The main thing I would like to get across to people and especially teenagers, is that even though nowadays hiv does not have to be a death sentence, its not as trivial as they think.  Alot of teenagers think it will never happen to them, or that if it does, they will just take a pill and be fine the rest of thier life.  Its not like that.  You go through alot.  You can have severe reactions to medications, you can become immune to medications, you can have kidney and liver failure because of the medications, but you also can't live without them, because you can get an opportunistic infection and die.  So its no fun at all. 

It can be an emotional, and physical struggle daily, not to mention a social struggle.  No one tells you, you feel like no one will ever want you again, and when you do find someone to date you, you have to go through the process of telling them, and taking the chance that they will give you a chance or run scared.  No one tells you the stomach problems from the meds, or the mouth problems from infected gums, or kidney problems, or liver problems, night sweats, hair falling out, and the list goes on. 

You can have a productive life, and things can be ok, and some people don't ever get sick, because they catch it early enough, but you never know how its gonna be.  I will say though, I could never have gone through all this without my faith in God, and for whatever reason He chose to keep me alive.  So......thats what keeps me going.

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Valarie

I would like to tell part of my story.  I am a 37-yr-old mother with a 17-yr-old daughter.  I used to judge people by how they looked, nasty, promiscuous, on drugs, whatever.  I was so judgmental....til i found out about me.  

I found out I was positive in 1996. that was a long time ago. It's been more than 13 years. I was one of those that would have never been tested. I didn't do drugs, drink, or sleep with a lot of guys.  I just stayed home waiting for my "wonderful man".  

It wasn't so bad at the time because I assumed that we would be together forever since we both found out within 2 weeks.  But no, a few months after that, i caught him sleeping with a 17-yr-old girl in my house. (Oh yeah, It gets better. lol.)

I then married him and was miserable for 5 more years because I didn't think anybody else would ever want me.  I soon found the courage to leave him and met someone that loves me 100% for me.

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N..

Hi My Beautiful People

My name is N sorry don’t wanna give my name out.

I would like to share my story for the first time since I tested.
I have read all your stories and this just gives me joy and courage to share my story.

I am 29-years-old gifted, beautiful South African women, I found out I was HIV+ in 2005. I have a 6 year old beautiful princess who is the reason I wake up in the morning and work hard for my life, she is such an inspiration that I sometimes forget I m + just because I watch her grow to be this intelligent angel.
I got involved with a guy who was + and didn’t have a clue he was since he looked so innocent and clean like you cant believe, our relationship got so heated up that we made a mistake of taking a decision to have sex without a condom and that was a day I despise even today.
After some time I heard rumours he was very sick but I couldn’t believe what people said I then decided to confront him but he denied it and suggested we test to prove his innocence. On our way to the clinic he decided he had to take care of some business as he received a phone call from his office.
I then agree and he promised we could make it some other time well it was fine with me.

We forgot about it until three weeks later I came  home to a cooked dinner flowers and there was a letter on our bed saying I m sorry on the outside.
Well I thought maybe it was just a letter of saying our relationship doesn’t work out. When I opened the letter and started reading it I felt like I couldn’t breath, my heart was pounding so much I just needed water but he was there to ease me down on what was in the there. I cried myself to sleep as I had decided to sleep in the other bedroom I cried like I had lost someone close to me I woke up to a pounding headache, red swollen eyes. I couldn’t face him the whole day and couldn’t  even go home he tried to give me food pamper me,I wasn’t myself until a good four days. Until I knelt down and prayed very hard. I ve since told my cousin who I trust very much and a friend of mine who is also positive and we confide to each other now and then. I would never tell my mom I love her too much to hurt her I m the only child so I can imagine how this would break her into pieces… I know she is strong but think I would loose her If I were to tell her. She is overly sensitive when it comes to my well-being and we were never close with my mom but I’ve grown to understand that she just loves me that’s why she was always and still strict to me. We are very close now, I realise how she long for our mother and daughter relationship I was never there for her as I was so close to my dad. So to break the news would devastate and think she will loose me.

 Coming back to my story.

We then decide to get me tested I was not that bad my CD4 count was 350 didn’t start treatment as I was still a little safe, the clinic gave me counselling and they gave me necessary treatment including pills that would prevent me from getting TB…… I think I was so close to get it but with Gods grace, it never happened.   

I was never angry at the guy, I was also old enough to take care of myself well I m still living today, still not on treatment my CD4 is going higher and higher.
I m engaged to the guy as he vowed that day he would never leave me he would love me for ever, we getting married in December 2009 and I m 4 months pregnant, living life like I m negative. I m never turning back, I m just nervous that I m gonna have to start taking ARV’s ill just have to be strong for my unborn baby.

We are beautiful and very lucky to know where we stand and taking further precautions, take care of you and I love you all kisses to all who will read.

I will live for ever I will not die of aids, I will defeat this disease.

Thanks
N

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Keinddrelle

Hello,My name is Keinddrelle. I am 22 years old and I am HIV positive.I was diagnosed on November 22,2004 and its been a tough time for me.I'm married,but seperated from me husband due to Mental,Physical and Verbal Abuse.When I first found out about my status,I was terrified.Scared of the criticisum,lonelyness and even the idea of death,but when I met and married my husband,who was awear of my status,I felt complete.For two and a half years,I thought he loved me,but the harsh reality hit me soon after.We went through so much and eventually he started telling me that he hated me and wants me to die from HIV.It hurt so deeply to hear those words and as time went on,we seperated.

I'm in Virginia catching hell trying to start over and become strong and independent again,while he just doesn't care about me.I loved him so much,and since we've been seperated,I'm scared to be with another man.How could someone say they love you and would always be there,but hurt you time and time again???I'm trying to be strong,but I can't.When he left,he took apart of me.I'm 22,no children,and I'm living alone in an 709$ a month apartment that I can't afford because he left me.I pray to God for strength but...he doesn't seem to hear me.What do I do?I don't want to go through this alone.I tell me,HIV doesn't make me any less of a woman than a woman without it.But in todays world,people are very ignorant to things of this nature.Overall,I thank God for having HIV because it has opened my heart and eyes and even if I may be alone,if I could only teach people how to love and accept someone like me,I'll be ok.!

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Be strong...

Dear all!

I was touched by the story I just found from your website and I'll like to share mine..

I'm 26 by age.. living in a small Island called Zanzibar Tanzania.
I found out that i was HIV since October 2008
I work hard, I was afraid of HIV and I did all what I could to avoid it but unfortunatly I end up to have it and I don't know how, when, from who but I keep living.

To be honest It has been a night mare for me, sometimes I get so scared, sometimes I think it's just a dream, somethings I feel of ending my life..am trying to be strong, trying to live a normal life but I just can't help..
I had a lot of dreams but now it's all shouting down and sometimes I don't know why am living for because i feel like it's over with me, i really need someone to tell me what do.

I'm so confused, I'm so scared scared to die, sometimes i don't wanna look into the miror as i see  the beauty i have from out site is invain, am hiding myself inside the house, I wanna have my life back, I use to be a happy lady but am no longer that way..sometimes I try to make or to take things easy and see myself like one of the normal humanbeing but why do I feel this way why can't I stay strong, why can't I stand again? whoever you are please help me..

I've spoken to my family, they said it was okay, they don't abuse me at all, they love me and give me all the suport I require but I just can't holding up..am so afraid to die, sometimes I feel like it's better i kill myself before death find me here.. am so desparate, am so confused..I don't know what to do.

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Shaney

Hi, My name is Shaney. I was diagnosed with HIV June 16,2005, I was 19yrs old and that was the worst day of my life. I had just received my GED in March and everything went well. My ex-boyfriend from the year before had popped back into my life after a year of separation in April 2005. We had unprotected sex and then i found out that I was pregnant with our 1st child but then problems started over who was ready or not so I made the decision to keep the child whether he decided to stay or not. I started my prenatal care and had the necessary tests that needed to done including a HIV test, at the time a was very anxious to be tested it had been a quite awhile since I had one.

I wasn't worried about the results because I had always been tested during my relationship with my now child's father so I thought assumed I was disease free until that day came when the doctors stepped in the office with a weird look on her face and I asked what happen and she got on the phone and said that test had came back abnormal so I opened my medical file and saw that positive in a circle and I could've went through the wall in my chair because I was very surprised I really didn't expect for my results to come back the way that they did. So I asked to be tested again maybe there was an error or something honestly I don't know but I wanted those results to come negative but they kept coming back repeated so I dealt with it.

I told my daughter's father right away and informed him that needed to be tested and whoever he's dealing with now or before should be tested also, but his stubborn ass said "I'm good I just got tested and they said I was good money" but I knew he was lying because he had never been tested for any STDs until we were together so I knew what he was telling me was bullsh*t. So I continued my life knowing I had HIV & a new baby on the way, so I didn't let this HIV affect me during my pregnancy.I had a beautiful HIV- lil girl on January 16,2006 and she is my blessing. I don't know what I would have done if didn't have this child, she is a savior & I thank God everyday with blessing me with this child after this type of devastation.

My daughters father taunted me about the disease telling me how I was this dead woman walking the earth, I was miserable just all kind of cruel things. I had found comfort in a close friend thinking that I could really trust them and they wind up telling other people. Next thing I know my whole entire neighborhood knew, but I didn't care because I had lived there all my life and I didn't stop being who I always have been. So I never gave anyone anything to talk about as far as how an HIV+ person is suppose to look like because I look 100% healthy on the outside but I tried not let them bother me but sometimes it did. People have written notes & slip em under my door, make graffiti on the mailbox all types of things & please believe I got sick of it & I fixed it because please believe when I make a public response I kid u not today is 11/10/08 I have not yet seen another harassing note again. I felt really bad so I sought professional help. I wanted to hurt someone, I thought about my own death but I kept an open-mind stopping believing all the negatives and just live and live right.

I wanna help others but I'm still tryna help myself get through this because this is far from easy I tell you that. Rejection/Acceptance are my biggest obstacles but I can't make noone understand but I can help them become more educated about HIV so they stop being so negative, like we're these monsters walking tryna infect the world because that's definitely not me, I just wanna be loved, happy and feel normal again enjoying life without the ridicule.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story there a lot more but I might have to write a book then, huh!!! LMAO!!!!!
Thanx again!!!!

Look at AVERT's pages on learning you are HIV positive, stigma and HIV and learn the basics about what is HIV/AIDS?

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M.R.

Hello my people,

Please forgive me for not using my full name. My name is MR. I am a 29 year old mother of two lovely kids. I was diognosed HIV in August 2004. I was not sick at that time when i decided to take a test. I just told my self to go and test. I think it was all God's work. I don't know where i got that strength because i was very strong.

The doctor gave us a brief Couselling and the same time he drew my blood. They told us to come after 2pm to get our results as it was between 10 and 11am. At 2:30 i went back to get my results. I was very confindent that my results will come out negative because i was very faithfull to my husband. You see i knew that he was not faithfull to me but i didnt think that he can be + because he was still in a good shape.

So i got in the small room to get my results. The Doctor told me tha i had HIV 1 and 2.I didn't believe it i thought it was just a joke. But unfortunately it wasn't. It was a serious thing. I was really HIV+.

I went straight home from there. I couldn't tell my husband as i was very angry with him for giving me this horrible disease. But after few days i decided to tell him, he was wondering what was wrong with me because i was always moody. So we decided to go to the Doctor to find the next step. My husband started ARV's that day because his CD4 Count was under 100. Mine was over 400.

Even though it was hard for me to know that i was living with HIV, but you see deep down in my heart i knew that i will not die because of AIDS. Sometimes it was very difficult especially when i look at my kids but there was this strong person in me that will remind me that i will live long to see my kids grow. It has been 4 good years now and im still living a healthy and beautiful life.

I know that i will see my 6year old baby boy grow to be a handsome man.

We all have a purpose in life and untill  we all fulfill our diffrent purposes we cannot perish.

Live positively positive long lifes. Love you all.

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Sheree

HI,

I am a white 52yr.old grandmother.I live in a small West Texas town.I have been married several times,but am single now.I found out I am HIV+ in 2002,after a brief relationship with a man who has since died from AIDS.he neglected to inform me of his HIV.

I blame myself for being stupid and not using protection.I have been shuned by most of my family,but that is ok with me.I figure it is their loss not mine.It has been difficult to find doctors here who are willing to accept me as a patient,so I have had to go 60miles away to a larger city for medical treatment.I have been taking HIV meds for 4yrs. and CD4 is up& viral load undectable.I am on disability due to other health problems.So in the 6yrs.since I havent worked I have had alot of time to reflect on my life and I have found out that I like me and more important JESUS LOVE ME!!

I do my best to help othes and not feel sorry for myself.I trust in my GOD to take of me and to try to do his will.I will be glad when the day comes when HIV/AIDS people are not so stigmatized by this disease.

I am so sorry for the women who have a hard time because of our disease and I pray for all of you.Just remember we are as good and decent as anyone else.So hold your head high and TRUST GOD.HUGS to all who may read this.

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Mitchelle

Hi there

My name is Mitchelle Mmathabo Mabunda. I am a young, beautiful, South African woman, who was diagnosed with the HI virus on the 04th of May 1999.

Please allow me to share with you a story that I sometimes also find difficult to believe.

I have always been a person who draws people near me, because of my smile, my eyes mostly because of my personality. I was a very jolly child who always attracted people whether family or friends. One day I was attracted to this tall dark and hansom man who became close to me and who I later found out that he was one of the guys I grew up with and school with at primary school.

We fell in love and day in and day out our love grew stronger and stronger. But one day I came to realize that, that love he had soon turned into jealousy, we felt he owned me and he wanted no one to speak to me, anyone to stand next to me, no one to laugh with me especially if they were male. I didn’t understand until, he smacked me on my face one day and I didn’t believe. He apologized and I played long to forgive but eventually I did. This became a regular thing. He wanted me to stay in the yard and move only when I go home or to his house.

This went on until one day I went to our local clinic and because of abdominal pains. The nurse there checked me for STI’s and told me I had a STI and I needed to bring my boyfriend with for treatment. I told him but he refused to come. Infact, when I told him I had an STI, he asked me to show him how it looks like, he said he doesn’t know what it is. When I showed him, he tackled me, through me on the bed and he had forceful sex with me, without a condom. Because I was afraid of him I didn’t tell anyone, I kept it to myself for a long time, my mother didn’t even know I am having sex. This went on until I fell pregnant.

I had to drop out of school, I was doing grade 7 and was about to write my final exams. I managed to write the exams and passed but I was going out of the school. Before that I had told my mother that I missed my monthly menses twice in a row, she told my aunt who told me to get an abortion because my future would be destroyed. I refused and had my baby. But the fourth of May 1999 and I had my labor pains and my mom told me the baby was coming I was in pain but was excited for this person I was going to meet, a person who has been inside of me all nine months and couldn’t wait to breastfeed my baby, I didn’t even know if the baby was a girl or a boy.

And yes after pains and pains, she way has born my beautiful angel. I was so happy to meet her, she was hungry, she just wanted to eat and I thought I’ve been waiting for this for along time. So I prepared myself layed on the side and I tried to breastfeed but immediately a nurse told me to stop and she looked at my file and she went out called the doctor and the doctor told me to wait and he called the counselor who asked me if I took an HIV test, I said yes and she told me I was HIV positive and I cannot breastfeed my baby because I’ll infect my baby.

She told me people don’t normally survive and I was going to die. She gave me a few tips on how to look after myself but was telling me to prepare for my death. What happened thereafter was amazing. At 18 months, I tested my baby she was HIV negative and I thought even if she didn’t take any AZT she can still live. I was over the moon with joy that at least I didn’t infect my baby. But my heart was painful that, I waited so long to breastfeed her and I could not.

Till today I’ve been waiting for that day that the counselor said this virus will kill me but it just keeps on moving further and further away that near. My CD 4 count is 567 and my viral load is 450. So I don’t see it coming anytime soon.

I’ve been using herbal products, which have been keeping me well, ever since people think that I’m on ARV’s but no I’m just looking after myself really good.

So, I am happy to be alive and that’s just the way I will just keep it that way. I hope people will learn from my experience and would welcome any comments and words of encouragement from all.

With love

AVERT.org: Whilst it is possible that some herbal products may help, this remains unproven; they certainly should not be used as a replacement for antiretroviral therapy.

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Mother in South Africa

Hi

I just wanted to share my story with the hope of changing someone's life who is currently living with the virus. I was diagnosed in 1994 when I applied for life insurance - you will not even begin to imagine the shock that I experienced upon hearing the news.

I only shared the news with two people (my then boyfriend who seemed very supportive and not at all shocked by the news - I only realized later that he probably knew about his status - in any event this was not important to me at that particular moment) and the gentleman who sold me the insurance.

After the initial shock I went into complete denial - you see I chose to ignore the fact of my status - even though at the back of my mind I knew - over the years on several intervals I will re-test ‚just to make sure‚ and the result was still the same. I chose to just continue with my life and pretend like nothing has changed.

I did some readings on the virus and the literature I read was not inspiring as it spoke about the toxicity of the treatment, the stages of the virus and so on, which frankly was not something that I wanted to hear at that time. Needless to say I did not bother doing any viral load and CD4 count tests; after all for all intents and purposes I was healthy.

Years went by and I read and heard of people dying of the disease, listened to peoples perceptions about the disease, saw people getting ill from the disease and still chose to be in denial about my status - of course from time to time in my alone moments I will think about the virus living within me - so I did what I thought was best; surrounded myself with people all the time, went out partying, had lots of friends (in reflection I realize that it was my way of trying to escape what was happening to me).

Even when I had an odd cough or a feeling of being unwell I will not share my status with my Doctors for fear of what I will hear them say (you have full-blown AIDS), never mind my circle of friends or family. This continued until 2005 when I had what seemed to be a cold, which my doctor diagnosed as broncho pneumonia (of course I still did not tell him about my status) - the treatment did not work of course and I continued to have this cough and the doctor then suggested we do an HIV test - I still did not tell him that I had tests done years ago of which all came back positive - I think I was still hoping for my miracle. The tests did come out positive and he also did a CD4 count test which was at 35. He then advised me to immediately go on ARV treatment and I agreed - I still did not tell him though that I had known for over 10years of my status - I suppose at this stage it did not matter much.

After prescribing the ARVs we spoke of the possibility of side effects and the importance of taking the tablets as prescribed, the next milestone was to go to the pharmacy to hand in my prescription and feel the discomfort of having to see the pharmacists giving me the discreet look and wondering what the heck they were thinking.

Having survived that episode the next was to get home open up my package and read about possible side effects of the various tablets I was given - to say that I was scared out of my mind will be putting it lightly - then came night fall when I had to take my tablets - within an hour of taking the tablets I started hallucinating, then I got really scared - I jumped out of my bed went into the bathroom looked at myself through the mirror and the sight of what I saw nearly drove me insane - my face looked puffy, my eyes looked liked I had seen a ghost, the right side of my face was shaking and I thought I was going to have a stroke.

I had the courage to get into the shower and all the while I was thinking about my two children - this is when I started to pray like I never prayed before - after taking the shower I woke up my daughter who was 16years old at the time and asked her to wake up our neighbor to drive me to the hospital. (By the way I had already found the strength to tell my daughter about my status and had assured her that I was going to be ok). So for her to see me in this state I cannot even imagine what that did to her - but the worst was still to come.

My neighbor rushed me to hospital - he did not have a clue what was happening to me - by the time I got to the hospital I was literally going insane even though I still had a sense of what was happening around me - I tried to speak but what came out of me was just gibberish and I thought I had completely lost it. The doctors thought that I probably had meningitis (since I also bought with me my ARVs - at least I still had the sense to do that) - the test came back negative however. The next test they did was TB which came back positive - it turned out that the first doctor misdiagnosed me (even though I do not blame him as I did not share my full medical history with him) and that I was having an adverse reaction to the ARVs due to the TB.

The next few days were the worst as I continued to hallucinate and have strange dreams that I was dead and had said my goodbyes to my children - it was later that my daughter told me that I was just lying there in that hospital bed and stared blankly into space - and that one day I then told her about where to find my last will and testament, my account details and who to speak to about my funeral arrangements - to me all of this happened when I was already dead since in the state I was in, I experienced myself saying my goodbyes after having died. Other things I said did not make sense according to the nurses who take great care of me - other things were amusing and so on.

When I began to get my sense back there was one thing that was clear in my mind and that is I NEEDED TO TELL PEOPLE CLOSE TO ME ABOUT MY STATUS. I first spoke to my children to make sure that they were ok with my decision as it was bound to affect them (my son was six at the time so I explained what I could to him without scaring the hell out of him). Once my daughter gave me the assurance that she was ok with my decision, the next step was to tell my family - fortunately for me my uncles wife is a nurse and she told me that I can beat this disease - even though I know that they were worried about me seeing that I was already lying in a hospital bed and had lost a significant amount of weight due to TB they still offered me support and assurance, the next was to tell my colleagues and friends and decided to write out an sms message and send it out to everyone who was on my phone list - this of course created shock waves around the circles of people that I know - what followed though was an amazing outpouring of love and support - even though most people around me still don't feel comfortable talking about my status - I know through their hugs and smiles that I have their support - there are those that came to me later and told me that I was an inspiration in their lives.

Once I had done this, the next step was to take a decision to LIVE- so this time around I spoke to my doctor, I read a lot of stories on people living with the virus, treatment options, I did a lot of research because finally I realized that ignoring the disease wont make it go away.  The website that gave me a lot of information about the virus was www.thebody.com

I still had to take my TB treatment for six months before I could resume with my ARV treatment - this was also a struggle in the first two weeks whilst my body adjusted to the treatment and I had a few side effects but within no time my body had gotten used to the medication.

Once the TB treatment was complete and I was ok, then there was still the ARV treatment (this time the doctor decided to change my prescription from the original one - he still explained to me the possible side effects and what I can do to minimize the side effects.) The day that I had to take my ARVs was again needless to say very scary and with the exception of insomnia there was little side effects, when the insomnia continued for a few weeks my doctor referred me to a psychiatrist who prescribed something that helped me sleep without interfering with my ARVs. Two months later I decided to stop taking the sleeping tablets and started adjusting myself to sleeping without them - a few meditation tapes helped a lot during time until I could fall asleep without any help.

Six months later I had to go back to the doctor for my bi-annual check-up and CD4 and Viral Load test - the results came back and my viral load was <50 and my CD4 count was 120 - the feedback I received from my doctor also helped - ‚I think I am his hero.

Since then there was no doubt in my mind that I had to live and I know that to be able to live positively with the virus is to make correct choices everyday - I do not have the stress of hiding my status from people who love me - I have a circle of support around me - how blessed can a person be.

I am happy to report that almost three years later my CD4 counts is rising (around 400 now) and my viral load is still <50. I am able to talk openly with my daughter about the virus and answer any question that she might have - I encourage my friends to test and know their status and I lead a normal and happy life because I CHOOSE TO LIVE!!!

My only struggle now is to loose some weight - I had initially lost a lot of weight when I contracted TB - and have since gained a whole lot more (in 2005 when I was hospitalized I weighed 70kgs and today I weigh 95kgs) what makes me laugh is even hinting that I need to loose weight to my friends, colleagues and family is met with resistance and comments such as ‚you are fine the way you are‚ I guess it will still take time to educate people that losing weight for an HIV+ person is good for them; since there are a lot of associated complications that one should not have when living with the virus such as diseases associated with obesity.

The other day I was talking to my immediate boss about getting on a program to lose some weight and you should have seen the horror on his face - it is amazing to see that people still equate losing weight with being sick - especially when they know that you are HIV+.  The other matter is how people around you worry even if you get a common cold; I know that it is because they care about me but it does bother me that people start panicking every time I as much as sneeze or just suggest that I am not feeling well - just the other day I decided to take a two days off work since I was feeling exhausted and you will not believe the number of phone calls and messages I received from friends and colleagues enquiring if I was okay - my daughter tells me that I should be grateful that so many people care about me and stop complaining!

So to all my family, friends and colleagues please know that I am grateful and appreciate the love and support that you give me and I love all of you.

To my children, how can I begin to thank you- no words are adequate to describe the respect and admiration I have for you- especially my daughter you are my hero; I am glad you are my children and everyday I thank God that HE chose the two of you to be in my life knowing that you will one day be an inspiration.  From the bottom of my heart THANK YOU!

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LRM

Hi all,

I'm a 35 year old single mom to a wonderful boy.  On the 4th March 2008 on the eve of my son's birthday my best friend accompanied me to have my HIV test done and thank God that she came with me. The result came back positive, I was "ready" for anything, because somehow since my boyfriend mentioned that we should get tested, I was worried, I deliberated about it and eventually I came to the realisation that whatever the results I'll have to live with the outcome.  I didn't think that I would be positive but somehow the thought did cross my mind.  My most recent ex-boyfriend said he was admitted to hospital and he was told that he had TB.  That bothered me a while since we were having unprotected sex after just talking about it saying that we will look after each other if  we were ever HIV positive.  Unfortunately at that time I was going through a rough time in terms of relationships.

 I am a typical comfortable young woman who had everything but no man in her life.  I have a good paying job, drive my own fancy car and have a home for my son, but that unfortunately is not really enough if you don't have that "significant other".  So I met this man, thought I was in love, he told me what I needed to hear at that time and in retrospect he met me at the "right" time for him and "wrong" time for me. I was vulnerable, and so I fell into the "trap". Now I am HIV positive.  I am not angry at him, I am not angry at myself, I am not blaming him, I am not blaming myself, so who am I angry at and who do I blame for this – NO ONE.  For me being angry at someone or blaming someone is not going to change the fact that I am HIV positive.  What I need to do now is to educate myself about this virus as much as I can so that I can live a long, healthy, very prosperous and productive life for as long as I can.  I believe I am not in denial, somehow recently I had started developing this attitude that if you can't change it then don't bother or waist your time, learn to live with it.  This was about life in general for me – e,g, if a child has done something wrong, screaming or smacking the child will not change what has happened, but talking and making the child understand the wrong doing should help, so don't scream nor smack the child.

Everyday I talk to myself and remind myself that it is ok, everything is ok.  I can't wait to get my CD 4 count and viral load results because I feel that is more daunting that the fact that I am HIV positive.  For me knowing my status will help me live a better life, look after I better, educate myself and look after my family better – my son.  I am reading stories from people who are living with this virus, people who have lived with this virus unknowingly for years and that is so encouraging because I am lucky that I have found out as soon as I have and it gives me the opportunity to do something about my condition.  Educate, educate and more educate myself and hopefully one day share my knowledge with other people – especially my family and friends first before I go out to the world.  I have learnt so much about this virus and how ignorant or uneducated people are about this virus and it is so sad that I had to be positive for me to want to learn.  And then again one never sees the need until the opportunity presents itself.  I knew as little as lot of people know about HIV and I thought I knew a lot.

 Since my discovery I have not told anyone and I don't see the need to.  The only people who know is my friend and myself and for now that is enough.  I am coping well, she is as supportive as can be and I am ok with that.  I know the time will come when I have to tell my boyfriend, but now is not the time, and when the time comes I will be "ready".

 Thanks for the wonderful website.  This is a wonderful platform for a lot of us who would like to talk about this but don't know to whom.  Someone anonymous, someone who is in your shoes and someone who will understand without judging you or mocking you.  Will keep you posted about my results. I hope to get them in this week still, I am living positively positive and it might sound funny but I am glad I found out, not that I am positive but that I know my status and I can do something about it, NOW.

 LRM
 

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Stephy

Hi, im Stephy, 28yrs from NIgeria. i guess the saying goes "it happens even to the most carfull people" its actually true. if any one told me i could get inffected with HIV, i'll argue with the person endlessly but it so happend that i was tested HIV+ afterall in October 16th 2007. despite all the safety measures, never have sex without condom, no oral sex, always careful when kissing and never kissed when i or my guy had a bruise on the mouth, made sure i took all the preventive measure to avoid being HIV+ yet i was tested positve (that's a bomb for me) i never bargained for that. just one careless mistake, had sex without protection and i was tested HIV+tive.

I fell very ill for like 2months with prolonged daheorea i lost a lot of weight when i decided to go for HIV test and was found positive it knocked me off my feet but i had to be strong i demanded for a second test and a third confirmation test because i didnt believe the first test and was confirmed HIV+tive. i took a long walk to where only heavens knew because i was out of this world then, i thought all was gone my life future and plans all drained (all thanks to my guy). i cried for several hours i got more ill and didnt want to disclose the news to anyone. i felt like just dying at that moment and asked a lot of questions; why me? how did it happen? what would become of me? for how long do i have to live?

my guy got me infected he confessed to me that he's positive (after a great deal of confrontation) he told me he was tested positive 4months ago but didnt know how to tell me less he losses me by the time he discloses his HIV status to me so he decided to keep to himself and find an appropriate day and time to tell me of his status when the time is right. that never helped but rather resulted neagtively because i felt so hurt and cheated. as if it wasnt enough he later broke the ralationship with me and left the town to where i never knew. up till date i've not heard from him his number stop going through anytime i tried to call him, his e-mail address wasnt active any more. im so hurt and lonely he reaped me of my future and abscounded in the thin air.

my whole life is devastated untill i choose to tell my tell my sister whom i confide in she encouraged me and gave me support, she took me to a clinic where i got medication and counseling i still havent gotten over the trauma. i at times isolate myself from people even my brothers and sisters, i cry my head off, asking questions that i dont seem to have any answers for. im yet to tell my brothers and sisters with the fear of stigmatization and rejection. my whole world is crumbling down, i need some one whom i can share exeriences with a friend i can confide in someone who'll take me as i am, am so scared of the world.

all i want to do now is try to retrieve my steps, get myself together and move on if life worth living positively.

i hope a lot of young girls like me would learn a lesson from my mistake "just once and got infected" so never you trust any one not for once not even your self kos you might be carried away and do something wrongly and before you realiase it it's irreversable so becareful always.

Thank you.

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Renita

I always read these stories and was to afraid to tell mine but if it can help someone than that would be great. Mine started about 2 years ago. I was in another state when I started feeling ill, came back home and continued to not feel great,during all this I started losing weight, went to the hospital the first time they gave me some zithromax told me it was the flu, and home I went.

About 2 weeks later back again because now my chest was hurting and still was ill and still dropping a lot of weight. They told me ok were going to admit you and run some tests, give you a x-ray and then we will go from there so when the doctor that was handling my care in the hospital asked me are you hiv I said no, they assigned me an infectious disease doctor because they tought it was TB. Later that day the test results came back and the doctor came in (infectious disease doctor) he closed the door because they thought that I had TB I thought he was coming to tell me that it was TB. He said do you know that your cd4 is -25 I said what does that mean he said maam your hiv+. I laid in that hospital bed, and cried, and cried, and cried.

When my husband came in I had to tell him because I was confused hurt and scared about what I just was told. When I told him I though he was either gonna kill me or leave me but either way he had to be told. He never judged me I never judged him but they were all kinds of questions that I wanted to ask because we had just gone through this awful phase of our marriage where he was having little secrets behind my back dealing with other women we got that straightened out but there was still my hiv.

After a few days in there I Had found out that I had PCP, fluid around my lungs, a mass on my lungs, I went from a 287 to 200 lbs in about 3 months. I had a very hard time in the hospital, I was giving a chest tube the 1st one pigtailed it had to be taken out and redone then the next one worked just fine I started showing signs of improvement but when I went home that Friday that Monday I was right back in the hospital because when they took the chest tube out it ended up getting air in it and my lung collapsed, actually my lung collapsed about 2 times.

The 3rd week in the hospital was when it really took a toll on me I had a procedure done to me when they take the chest tube pieces out and shoot this fluid in the tube that's hanging out of your chest and they tried to adhere my lung to my rib cage and the doctor that did it told me that this probably will not help you he said that the condition that my body was in that I probably would not live 1 year I was so scared because when he did that procedure he left and I was stuck to deal with the awful pain that followed. The next day he came back to pat me on the shoulder and said that he wished me the best.

I thank God that he helped me through that period because I thought my life was over I have 3 kids and they are all negative (thank God) but it goes to show you that when you think everything is fine it can come at you at anytime. Just have faith and believe he will help you through because he can do all things and that's how I got thru it.

My hubby is fine he helps take care of me because I still have some good days and some bad. We told his mother and of course ladies she blamed me for giving it to her son and that's when all things came in the open when we told he we were at her house and she just started asking me what did do who did I commit adultery with and that's when my hubby came clean on some things that I never knew. Still I didn't give up on him he asked me for forgiveness I did it but I was a very hard task because while I was home taking care of the kids and cleaning washing clothes and cooking he was doing something else but it was done and over with and I couldn't bring it back. So we moved forward with our life we are both doing well he a lot better than me when I catch a cold I sometimes get really sick but I'm making it.

Ladies just because you are married doesn't mean anything I actually thought that I was safe and I was sick.

Thanks for listening

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