Lizzy

I am Lizzy and I'm twenty. For as long as I can remember I have never had feelings for men. Dad always knew I was not interested in boyfriends too. When I was nine I fell head over heels in love with a girl in primary school. We were close friends before that. I told many of my friends who were very understading though we were so young. At ten I told her too but at the time she totally freaked out. I denied sexual feelings for her but admitted to romantic feelings towards her. We went to different schools and I still loved her. I pledged to her my undying love and vowed to always love her unless I met another female to whom this love could switch if I felt strongly enough. When some boys bullied me at twelve over my lesbianism I admitted to my mum and dad who were all right about it. I was irritated when at first mum treated it as a crush or "young love" but when it became clear that I was not growing out of it she retermed it an attachment to my relief. 

I met my soulmate again at twelve and was relieved she had forgotten so I pretended she was just a best friend. My mum and dad seperated and my dad married again. The circumstances were exceptional and my stepsister and myself accepted straight away. I  connected with my stepmother and stepsister straight  away. She had lost her dad in tragic circumstances when she was young so i was glad my own dad could give her fatherly love. Everything was normal until I decided at thirteen to tell my stepsister my feelings for my best friend. It never occured to me that her society was homophobic. My dad had told my stepmother who wrote to me. Though I agreed to accept friendship if my best frend could not reciprocate I could not agree that same sex love was "unatural" despite generally having deference for most of my stepmother's views. It was a very kind letter though. My stepsister asked if I were jioking or serious. Dad advised me to say I was joking. I did but despite dad telling me not to worry i did not like lying to my stepsister and dwelled on this. 

The guilt sent me into depression. I knew my stepmother and stepsister were not homophobic and it was not their fault their society would not allow them to accept it. I saw death as the only way out of the deadlock at the time. I safeguarded myself against suicide by making a vow that as long as my dad, stepmother, stepsister and soulmate were on this self same earth as me I would not kill myself. Yet uncertain of the strength of the vow I made the mistake of admitting twice. This caused panic and chaos. In vain I tried to convince them it was best if I took my own life and knowing dad believed in an afterlife like me I thought dad would be ok but apparently not. At last I told a white lie and pretended it  was all a mistake and a misunderstanding. I put on a hard act, pretending to be fully happy. I went through hypersomina which was misinterpreted as laziness, got an anger problem and had difficulties with studying. At sixteen dad went back to India permanantly as dad and I had agreed. I then went through insidious burning with the fan heater and became an intermittent cutter - not just because of having to lie to my stepfamily about my sexuality though it was mainly that but also because of family problems and things. The night before my eighteenth irthday, my stepsister found me crying because I felt so guilty at having to lie to her.

Remembering her previous reaction I told her of the depression and cutting but was vague as to the cause. I sort of agreed to try to stop cutting but said I couldn't guarentee anything. At home I read about asexuality in the newspaper and researched it, finally identifying myself as an asexual lesbian. Though the cutting lessened slightly it did not quite stop. I met up with mybest friend at eighteen. I was surprised to hear she had a boyfriend but not jealous, being asexual. I tentatively said as much as I could in "my best friend" framework but she eventually figured out the truth. After making sure her boyfriend wouldn't mind i told her though I initially backtracked to avoid being unfair to him. She said she was straight. I expected this but said I would always love her. I was quite similar to Sonya in War and Peace though in her case as her love was hetrosexual it was more easily undertsood and accepted. At twenty I told my stepsister that I would tell her all if it were not for her society. She said she had travelled much and seen many kinds of people. I tentatively said she, my dad and stepmother were what the western culture called straight but that it meant something other than being honest, that if I were to be in a relationship it wouldn't be with a man, that people in my situation would in her society remain single. 

She slowly understood and said she didn't mind, reminding me not to speak of it in her society. She said my stepmother would worry tremendously over my cutting and depression problems but that dad was stronger. I refused point blank to tell one without telling the other on principle. Once home I thanked God for allowing me to be honest with my stepsister and my best friend. I didn't rule out the possibility that my best friend might come to love me back or that I might start to love someone else but I knew that the only solution to my problem really was to  remain single. I liked being single and am content merely loving my best friend and do not ask her to return my affection. Unless I loved someone who could recirprocate as much as I did my best friend and the love switched and my feelings for my soulmate bcame friendship I would not give up being single. I also knew that though I trust my dad and stepfamily absolutely, it would not be fair to ask them to huish it up between the four of us if I got into a same sex romantic relationship even if it was completely sexless. I knew that in England I could be open about it but in India I couldn't. I didn't want to get into a relationhip and lie as it would be unfair on my girlfriend and on my dad and stepfamily too. 

So, my solution to the problem has been to tell any gay single person I got to now my predicament and the solution I had found. As most of my friends were straight and the one gay friend i know has a girlfriend i did not need to worry that they would form an attachment and be hurt by my rejection. I have once or twice considered fleetingly the one gay girl I know and even my stepsister as there is no blood line between us but I then remember that my stepsister is straight and this girl has a girlfriend. In a way I am glad God worked it out this way because it saves me being in a relationship and having to lie or putting my dad and stepfamily and possibly a girlfriend in a difficult situation. I would not miss out on love because I would always love my best friend or if my love switched another girl. As for my romantic aspirations I could as usual be romantic with my soulmate's photograph as I can't be romantic with her and her boyfriend could do for her everything i wou;d've. I respect him and know he wil look after her. My dad can do for my stepmother everything I would have one for the woman I love. Though I am now in counselling at twenty to deal with the depression and cutting issues and things have become much better since I was honest with my stepsister and best friend my new wish is to one day tell my dad and stepmother the truth about the last six years. 

At the moment even if I found someone I cannot be in a relationship because it is too complicated. My girlfriend would never be able to go to India with me. I would have to lie. It would be unfair on everyone. Being sigle is something everuyone can understand. In India I need only say i am uninterested in men and wish to stay single. In England I'll explain my problem and how I'm dealing with it.   

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Jess

I'm Jess, Jessy, Little John, whichever you prefer. I am a couple months shy of 17. I am working on my fifth year of being out.

My mum didn't take too kindly to finding out, probably because it was my step- mother that told her, but evidently she didn't treat me very well. The only thing she had to say was "It is going to be really F****** hard to get used to having a gay daughter." She didn't really TALK to me for another 6 months after that. We only had short conversations about little things, as long as they weren't about me.  She finally started coming around, and was alright with it all. I told her about my first girlfriend, and she kind of ignored it, but accepted it all at once.

 The one girl that I have loved with my whole heart for the last five years finally decided to give me a shot last spring, we were together almost a year. Then she decided that things just werne't working anymore. Boy did that hurt me pretty bad. I'm still hurting pretty bad, on account of that was just shy of a month ago. I am trying my best to move on.

I am going to school at a new high school this year. The place I swear is like a young gay central. I get along well with pretty much everyone. There is a girl now that I have been interested in. I don't know where that will lead me.

Things being an out lesbian are pretty easy these days, but trust me things were not always this easy. Lets just say that I am at a new high school this year because I decided to run from my problems with people. Things started to get a little hostile between a couple people and myself. I decided to leave for the best of all of us.

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Jen

i’m jen and closing in on 16.

i’ve probably liked girls since forever but never realized it till 10+? that was when i noticed a girl in my school . i thought she was the coolest kid in town. but i never approached her. when everyone moved on to high school, i thought, ah never mind she’s waaaaay out of my league. i’ll never know her. but i ended up in the same school as her and class. she’s straight.

surprisingly we got pretty close for the 2 years. i remember going out of my way to help her with anything. and spending at least a hundred for her birthday and she was only my friend. i just loved her i couldn’t stop thinking about her and how i’d even die if it made her love me that way. NO one knew i liked girls. i thought i would die this way. we were so close but i could never tell her. i worried how she would react. i just couldn’t tell her. but once, i just couldn’t help myself. i had to kiss her. and i did. she just burst out laughing and went omg. which kind of hurt. but i never showed it. i laughed along. i remember touching her ass and elsewhere. she just laughed it off too.

then 2 and a half years after i knew her, idk but we drifted apart. for close to a year? we never even spoke or said hi or smiled when we went by. that hurt. i still loved her. it seemed like she never cared anymore. how did that happen. it sucked. i could cry/ ogle at other girls/ do other stuff. but i couldn’t forget her.

she was the first thing i looked for in the morning when i went to school. hoping to see her beautiful face. she was the last thing i thought of in bed before i slept. she was right there in my mind forever. and she was a posh little cow. and amongst the cooler kids in town. which led her further out of my league. i hated that.

and out of the blue one night. she spoke to me on msn. you can’t imagine the way my heart leapt! and i guess that’s how i told her i was a lesbian.

i’d always wanted her to be the first i’d tell. but it didn’t work that way and she was at least the 15th person i’d told. and that was only like 2 or 3 months ago. it didn’t help that i never had lesbian friends. none that i knew was. well she was fine with me being lesbian and all. alittle surprised but fine with it.

i guess its weird. but its been at least 7 years since i first set my sight on her. and nothing’s come out of it. but its okay.

i did play around much as i liked her during these years. boys were just passing scenery. girls were everything. on the fore ground.

i finally told her that i liked her since i was at least 9 or 10. she pretended i never said that statement and ranted on about something else. but its okay. this is life for us. different people, all the same. she may be weirded out or something i’ll never know. and she’ll never know to what extent i loved her. but at least i told her. so there’s no wasted chances in life.

my rents are plain homophobic and it sucks to hear them say homos are disgusting and its sooo wrong and against nature and all that. because, their daughter’s disgusting. i used to speak up when i was younger. but now i just shut my trap. cus i don’t see the need to break their heart. to give them cause for suspicion. i don’t need that.

sometimes, what you don’t know won’t kill you.

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Tori

Hi my name is Tori and I'm 16.

I met my best friend when I was in grade 10. She's a year younger than me. She was new at the school and I figured I'd show her around. She was...hot. Haha the only way I  can describe her. She was fascinating and interesting to talk to. I couldn't keep my eyes off her. At first, I thought I could be friends with her...like sisters. It wasn't love at first sight. But the more time I spent with her, the more I wanted her. She told me everything about herself and I loved to listen to her. We would do the most insane things with each other. We had our fun talks and our serious talks. I laughed and cried with her. At times, I thought she was clueless. Because I would do things or say things that a normal friend wouldn't. And she treated me the same way. I told her I wanted to spend my life with her. And she would say "Can I just hold you forever".

Often, she scared me because she had thought about committing suicide. But she said that someone was holding her back. She couldn't do it because I was there. she didn't want to lose me. She's had such a difficult life, her past and experiences. They take over whenever she thinks she's getting too attached to someone. The trust she once had for her friends is gone.

She knows that I'm bi. I once told her that I loved her. That I would do anything for her. She said what I was feeling wasn't love. But I was convinced. I LOVED HER. It didn't matter if she didn't love me back. I loved her. She told me to stop saying it because she was scared she was going to believe it one day.

I don't know what to do anymore. I want to make her happy. But it seems like me being with her is causing her pain.

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Kait

My Name is Kait and I am a 17 year-old and I recently found out Girls totally turn me on. There have always been little things that happened that now I see as evidence.

I remember once at some bible day thing I went to with a friend, there was this girl with short hair and I was infactuated with her. I was young and she was a teenager. I couldn't keep my eyes off her.

I remember watching movies with wynonna Ryder over and over. She was so beautiful I used to say.

I remember watching animated films and I was always intrigued by some of the girls.

I remember watching fried green tomatoes and hoping the two main charecters would kiss.

However I have always been boy crazy too.

I ha this best friend and we were neighbors so we spent the night at eachothers houses all the time. One day we just started caressing eachother in spots that tickled but we never kissed. This is when we were 13-14. It went on for a long time but she would never let me kiss her. I think she was deathly afraid that kissing would mean she wasn't straight and in her family she would be kicked out.

Just recently my mest friend's cousin was in town and we had the chance to spend one night together. It was the best I have ever had. I did a lot for her and was comfertable and confident the entire time. I even thought I loved her. Before this I had experimented with a guy who I was friends with and I wasn't turned on by him no matter how hard I tried. But when I looked at her and when she smiled I was TURNED on a lot!

She went back home and she lives so far away it would hurt to try to keep a relationship with her.
But now I am IN LOVE for the first time in my entire life. She knows I am BI but she told me she was completely straight. We have had so many conversations where she has tried to describe how she feels about me, how close she got to me in such short time, how I am the only person who understands, how she wants to carry all of my pain and doubts that I have with her and when I am happy she is and when I am sad she is and how important I am to her... And I feel the same toward her and more! She says she is drawn to me she says she loves me. I am scared because  I think we are in love and I want to show her how I feel for her physically, I would do anything for her, I would do Anything to make sure she is happy. I think she feels something for me she can't recognize herself. I love her and it's hopeless because I don't think she will ever look past the whole I am a girl thing. Anyway I thought I would just share because this is a really confusing topic for me and it's consuming my every thought.

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Erin

Hi, my name is Erin.  I'm 18 years old and I identify as a lesbian.

I felt compelled to tell my story after reading some of the other ones and seeing how closely I related to them.  Sometimes it feels good to know that other people understand how you feel and what you went through, so here it goes.

I've felt attracted to women ever since I can remember being attracted to anyone, and emotionally, I've come a long way since then.  I was always "one of the guys" in my early years at school, playing soccer with the boys at recess every day.  Boys tended to like me, but I never liked them back, at least not in the same way.  I always had crushes on girls instead.  It wasn't until the 5th grade that I fully realized this about myself.  I had liked girls before then, but I was in complete denial of what those feelings meant.  I was going to a Christian school at the time, and even though I never had faith in their teachings, the stigma attached to homosexuality was strongly implanted on my mind.  I saw it as something completely dark, repulsive, undesirable for myself, even if I would tolerate it in others.

By the 6th grade I had left the Christian school for a public one, and it became harder for me to deny the way I felt towards girls.  By the 7th grade I told a couple of people who I knew over the internet that I thought I was a lesbian.  They were perfectly accepting, just as I thought they would be.  These were my closest friends at the time and they still are very close to me, but at the time, it was hard for me to accept myself when I had no friends who I could be open with in person.  I hated myself.

During high school, I began making more friends, but it wasn't until my junior year that I actually told anyone that I was a lesbian.  Coming out scared me to death.  To be honest, I wasn't very comfortable with coming out to the first few people I told except for my best friend, who I knew would be extremely supportive because her mother is a lesbian and she fully embraces it.  She was surprised but proud of me when I told her, and it gave me such a feeling of release.  When I think back now on all the years I had never really confided anything in anyone I knew in person, how I'd never known anyone to accept or relate to me, it was an important day.  However, most of the other people I told were guys I was friends with, guys who wanted to be more than just friends.  Before, I had just bluntly turned down any guy who asked me to a dance or out to see a movie, but this time I didn't want to ruin my friendships.  I ignored the hesitant feeling I had, putting their feelings first, thinking that turning them down by telling them I was a lesbian would prevent anyone's feelings from being hurt.

This was never my experience.  Any time I told a guy, they held it against me, didn't believe me, or sometimes continued to pursue me anyway, and these same people always pressured me to tell other guys who they thought had feelings for me.  It wasn't until later on that I realized they forced me to do this out of jealousy, and it was sad to see my so-called friends treat me this way simply because I didn't want to have sex with them.  While I felt very certain about my sexuality at this point, I was still figuring myself out more and more each day.  In this mindset, one day I finally gave in and experimented with one such guy.  Even though we talked about things beforehand and tried to establish some kind of understanding, this only caused more problems.  He ended up developing strong feelings for me that I didn't feel for him at all in return, but experimenting only made him and others who found out about it question my sincerity about my sexual orientation.  The only positive outcome of this situation was that I felt more certain than ever that I was attracted to girls, and only girls, despite what others believed.

It wasn't until a few months ago that I had a relationship with a girl, and unfortunately it was very short-lived.  At first, I was so excited.  For once in my life, a girl I had feelings for liked me back!  But problems came up that I hadn't forseen, despite everything I had learned from before (for instance, the fact that telling friends in my case is sometimes worse than telling aquaintances).  I had assumed she was open about being bisexual because somehow many of her friends knew about us.  This misunderstanding made me feel pressured to tell people that I wasn't completely comfortable with knowing; I only didn't want her to think that I was ashamed of her.  As it would turn out, she wasn't as open about it as I'd thought, and soon everyone knew about us despite how unprepared we both felt.  At heart we were both still very in-the-closet.  The worst part was when her mother found out, and everything just went downhill from there.  People had reacted badly to me "coming out" before, but this was the first time someone was blatantly hateful towards me for it, and seeing a mother treat her own daughter that way, someone I cared deeply about, was horrible.

By now, all of my friends and one of my sisters knows that I'm a lesbian.  Despite the fact that I hadn't been comfortable with telling most of my friends as early on as I did, or the fact that some of my friends broke my trust and told other people who were not altogether accepting, I've finally come to a place where I'm comfortable with myself around my friends and couldn't really care much less about what other people think of me.  I'm still very reluctant to tell my entire family, especially after seeing my ex's mother's reaction to us, but I am hopeful that things will not be as bad between me and my mom.

From denying it about myself, to realizing it but hating it, to tolerating it, to finally accepting it and embracing it, I've come a long way, but I still have a lot to learn.

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Elysia

My name is Elysia, I am fourteen years old, and I have identified myself as bisexual since I was twelve. I "came out," to all my family and friends individually, usually spontaneously, or simply when I felt the time was right.

The first person I "came out," to was my best friend. It wasn't so much as a "coming out," as it was simply conversation. I'd been sharing my mixed feelings with her for a long time, and although she didn't quite understand them, she accepted me nonetheless. After I told my best friend, I felt elated. I told my two other friends at school next, not scared for a moment that they wouldn't accept me, especially since one of our friends was out as a bisexual already.

I was so elated and proud of myself, I wanted to tell everybody! I wanted to shout it. It wasn't so much as big a revelation for me as it was for me as my family. I'd always been a precocious and intelligent child, and I knew that feelings of shame and self-loathing were useless, so I skipped over them. I went to straight to self-acceptance and prude.

The first family members I told were my Aunt and my cousin. Not because they were especially gay-friendly, or because I was especially close to either of them in any way, but simply because I happened to be spending the weekend. I told them a bit too much perhaps, going to so far to include that I'd already "experimented," with a girl. She was surprised at first, but was proud that I was so self-confident. Maybe I was self confident because I was currently living in a household that included a family friend, her lover, and their son, or maybe because my Grandmother was gay, either way I wanted to tell the world.

I told my Father next, and I knew he'd accept me, despite the fact that I'd hardly known him a year [and that's another story.] I cheated, and told him over the phone, filled with nervousness, but not quite fear. I felt the smile in his voice as he told me it was fine and natural, and that his wife had a sister who was bisexual. All seemed right in the world.

I told my Aunt next, simply because I was on the phone with her at the time, and she was elated at my self-confidence and security. She told my Uncle, and by this point, almost my whole family knew. I saved hardest for last, and eventually, I called my Mom. It was a long and drawn out conversation, and I actually felt fear, not that she might reject, I knew she love me no matter what, but simply that she would accept but not "approve." When I told her she responded with silence and an intake of breath. It seemed forced, but she told me she always loved me, and that it was I choice I was to make on my own. It took her a bit, but now I can talk to her about my crushes, girls or boys.

I suppose I'll include the time I "came out," to my school as well, because I haven't seen many of those stories yet. I was at a new school for eight grade, and the biggest hit was myspace. I had one myself [though rarely used], and I was a person of honesty and made sure to check "bisexual," under orientation. Months passed and no one noticed, and then suddenly, someone did.

It was a boy in my class, and it was around the whole school in a day. When I came into school the next morning, I was bombarded with questions in less than thirty seconds. People kept saying, "I heard your myspace says bisexual, is it true?" My heart swelled with pride when, nonchalantly, I responded, "yeah." This usually ended the conversation with a simple "oh," on their part. There was no use in denying the truth. It was in first period when I was confronted with a problem. I was sitting at my desk, pretending to read, when I heard whispering. Ont of the boys wanted to ask me if I was, bisexual that is, but was to scared and was attempting to get another boy to ask. Finally, a girl, that particularly did not like me, asked, rather loudly and rudely, "are you bisexual?" The whole classroom fell silent, and time seemed to stop, when finally, I tore my eyes from my book, and responded confidently "yeah, so." Then everyone went back to talking. I don't think I ever felt more proud and self-confident then that moment.

I'm now attending a high school for creative and performing arts, what seems to be a breeding ground for homosexuals. Nearly half of the students identify themselves as lesbian, gay, or bisexual, and many are bi-curious or undecided. Orientation matters little there, and usually comes up casually in conversation. In fact, the table I sit with at lunch, they're all bisexuals, three girls and a guy! The school is so open-minded, it's wonderful. On Halloween, we all came in costume, and several males came in drag, it's great! So matter what your orientation, keep your head-held high!

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Kaylee

My name is Kaylee and I'm 14, and I'm bisexual. I am dating my best friend. I have just always thought that she was so beautiful. I am totally in love with her and she knows this I've told her exactly how i feel.

Before we was together, few months ago i spent the night with her and when we was laying in bed about to go to sleep she randomly asked me if i had ever thought about being with a girl and i said no because i was so scared that if i told her the truth she would totally freak and then she said "oh.... well ok goodnight i love you." A few weeks later we was bored and i said "well what's something you've never told anyone?" and she told me that she had made out with a girl before. Well i found that as an opening to tell her that i had thought about being with a girl. She told me that she had too and she asked me if there was a girl right now that i liked and we both agreed that there was. At first we refused to tell each other who it was, but she finally told me that it was me. I was so happy and nerves at the same time. Well the next day i asked her if she wanted to try us being together and we both agreed that we wanted to.

We haven't really had the chance to even kiss yet all we've done is hold hands and cuddle. We both have boyfriends too right now though and i totally hate it because I only want her. I go with her cousin too but I am so jealous of her boyfriend. She has made out with him in front of me and it makes me so mad because I have told her that I don't like that. But there is no way I'm breaking up with her, because she says she loves me like I love her. But she keeps giving me mixed signals like tells me she loves me more than her boyfriend but acts like she loves him more, and it make me think of that old saying "actions speak louder than words". I am so totally in love with her though and I would die for this girl. I would do anything in the world for her. She has been there for me when I didn't have anyone else and she is my world.

The horrible thing about this is that my sister is gay. For the past 3 years she has only been with girls and my mom has been so heartbroken over it. She told me that if I ever turned out like that it would kill her. So if my mom ever found out it would be the worst possible thing imaginable. In a way though I kind of feel like its my moms fault. You see every man she has ever been with has treated her horribly. I watched my father beat her when I was little and her current husband makes her just so depressed. He doesn't hit her but he hurts her with the things he says. Don't get me wrong I like guys. I just have more feelings for girls. But I'm in such a bad situation right now because of my girlfriend and my mom. So for anyone that is going through something similar right now I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out for you the way it should.

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Heather

My name is Heather and I'm 19 years old. I recently read the stories on your website and I had a very powerful urge to tell my own story. I wanted to start by telling the reader that "It's O.K to be whoever you are!" Weather you're gay, bisexual, or straight...it's O.K. and perfectly normal!

Anyway, I've known I was a queer from the time I was young. I was afraid of these feelings because I had been taught that feeling this way was not normal. My worst fears were confirmed in 8th grade when I had a sexual experience with a female friend. I come from a fairly religious background so I never said anything to anybody for fear of rejection. As a result of my new found identity, I didn't date much throughout HS. Most people thought I was just being picky. I did experiment with a few guys but I could never bring myself to do it without the help of alcohol. I felt like there was something terribly wrong with me. Kissing and touching guys just made me feel sick. I was afraid and depressed for quite a while after I discovered that my relationship with men would never amount to anything more than friendship.

During my senior year of HS several things happened. I told my best friend I was gay which shocked her though she fully accepted me and I fell deeply in love for the first time. The woman I fell in love with was older than me and had just moved to another state. We talked frequently and flew to visit one another several times. I went on to college but we continued to speak to one another. I knew that she thought of her relationship with me only in terms of friendship but I was deeply, madly, and hopelessly in love with this woman. I knew that if I didn't tell her how I felt a part of me would have died and it was a part of me I wasn't willing to lose. After I told her I felt the biggest relief of my life but soon after she quit talking to me. She hasn't spoken a single word to me in over 7 months but I'm finally okay with that. I realized that I'm not the one who missed out, she is.

Since then I've come a long way. I've come out to my family and they have been surprisingly supportive. I'd like to think of myself as a political activist and I'm working with many other like-minded people on bringing equality to the LGBT community. I've fully accepted myself and realized that there is nothing wrong with the feelings I have for women.

So, I want to end this by telling whoever is reading this to be true yourself ALWAYS and never let anybody make you feel ashamed or inferior because you're "different" than them. You are beautiful and amazing because you are you! There will never be another you. You are unique, special, and irreplaceable and don't ever forget that!

In the words of the great Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

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Julie

My name is Julie. I am 19 years old.

I first discovered I was "different" when I was about 7 years old. I always had a special interest on girls, that I did not have for boys. I always developed different crushes on girls and fantasized about kissing them and stuff. Although up to this day, I've only dated guys; some of which I've actually fallen in love with, I consider myself on the verge of being a lesbian.

I am the typical pretty girl that most boys want to date, and no one would ever think of as a lesbian but in reality it's much more than that.
My story is actually kind of sad.

It all started last summer of '06. I joined this softball team in my community just to stay active and because I really liked to play baseball. One day, my team was short 1 player so our coach called in this girl from a different team, to come play for our team. She turned out to be one of my buddy's ex-girlfriend, so I knew right away who she was and told her I was friends with him. At that point I didnt really notice her, or even looked at her in "that way". But I remember I went home and added her on myspace. Then I gave her my msn and we started talking thru msn like pretty much everyday. Most of our talk was either about baseball or random things.

So time went by and we talked more and more, and became closer. Til one day I realized, wow I think I am in love with this girl, we seemed to connect so well that at one point I thought, she's definitely my soulmate. But ofcourse, I wouldn't dare tell her how I felt because not only was I afraid of her reaction, but I also feared she would tell everyone else, considering we have mutual friends. So I just kept it all inside, and to make the story a bit shorter, it's been over a year now and I am deeply in love with her. Something in my heart always told me that she loved me too but I am not sure anymore, maybe I had my chance and I threw it to waste. I wil never know.

We aren't speaking right now, I guess we've grown apart but I do know for sure that I've never loved someone the way I love her. And I may not ever tell her, or tell anyone else for that matter but the emptyness will remain in my heart.

I am still young and I have lots to think about. As for now, I think it's best I just go on with a "straight" life and form a family like the rules of life are set.

But I do have a word of advice, if you see yourself in my situation, or a similar one perhaps, don't throw your chances to waste like I did, If you have feelings for someone, let them know, because the worst feeling is not knowing what the two of you could have been.

Best of luck.

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Emily

my name is emily and i'm fifteen years old and bisexual. i've always been physically attracted to girls but completely ignored the feelings knowing it wasn't "right". but last summer i started to experiment, the girls i kissed though were straight and i was way too afraid to bring up discussing the way i truly felt about them.

one day i finally got up the nerve to come out to a girl and she ended up being the same way as me, we got into a relationship but it didn't seem real, like we could hook up with guys just not other girls and it was very d.l. and then when i ended things with her she said she was heartbroken but i found another girl.

the next relationship was also very d.l. but more serious and it lasted around three months but it felt like forever because we with each other everyyy single day for those three months. when that ended the girl was convinced she was still straight and thats when i realized that i really did slash do like girls.

a couple weeks ago i found a girl and shes openly bisexual which i totally envy. we met through one of my good friends and we hit it off and now we're in a relationship and i've told my close friends and theyre all ok with it, slowly more and more people are finding out but gradually i'm realizing being bisexual is allowed.

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Simone

Hi. My name is Simone and I am 11 years old. I am not sure if I am a lesbian or bisexual.

I was sexually abused by a fifth grader when I was in third grade. I only started realizing I was different this year. I saw this girl in the mall and I started feeling tingles all over my body. I listened to my feelings and tried an experiment to see if I was straight. The experiment didn't work.

I started worrying because my family isn't exactly fond of homosexuality. I told one of my friends and she was pretty cool about. I still haven't told my parents though.

I suggest girls to test themselves by checking to see if they like any boys. If they do or don't, try the girls.

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Amber

my name is amber and i am nineteen years old........ i was sexually abused at a very young age by my male relatives on all sides.... the abuse lasted twelve years....... as i got older i went boy crazy not realizing i was using them to heal my wounds... that didn't work. i have had three different lesbian experiences.

what i was looking for did not happen. they were all aggressive and i think it was just for their moment of pleasure and female dominance.

i was hurt because the frequent phone calls that use to happen between me and the last female i encountered sexually, stopped. we used to hang out and go shopping and i even spent good quality time together. of course she is older than i am..... i did have feelings for her though....... even though she lives only a few blocks away from me we are at a distance.... then i found out she had a man..... well i still think about her alot... and that's all...just memories.... i called her but she do not seem to want to talk to me... i'm finish with the crying though..... life goes on......... and maybe i was just curious.... like most of you are....

girlfriends make sure you know what you are and what you want before you get hurt......because if you think a heterosexual relationship can be bad a same sex relationship can be twice as bad....

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Sarah

Hi, I’m Sarah, I will be 18 in a few weeks, and I’m unsure if I’m a lesbian…

The first time the thought of being with a girl even crossed my mind was when I was in third grade.  My best friend at the time and I had watched a lot of more adult movies with her parents and of coarse there were little sexual scenes.  We decided to pretend we were making love (weird I know!).  I didn’t necessarily get turned on by the situation, but it put a smile on my face like nothing had before, it felt different, it just felt right, like God had planned this all out for me.  Me, being in third grade, I ignored it and went on with my life, thinking being with boys was the only way that was right.

In 6th grade, right when I started to hit puberty, I would get weird visions of girls or things of that such, you catch my drift, and it disgusted me that I liked the sight of it.  There would be nights I would cry because I didn’t know why this was happening to me, and why I was getting these visions… and even worse, enjoying it.  My first crush was also a girl in 6th grade.  I’d sit at home and write letters to her, and plan on giving them to her the next day… it never happened.

I had my first sexual experience with a girl in 7th grade.  It was something that I couldn’t even describe… I just felt like all this time that I had been lost, that I had finally found myself, I was finally home.  It felt good to be so sure of whom I was as a person.  And then it dawned on me… I can’t be myself, I’ve grown up learning this is not the right choice, and that it IS a choice, not something you can’t help.  I can’t tell you the many nights I’ve curled up in a ball crying myself to sleep because all I want to be is normal, not only for me, but mainly for my family.

But still, I can’t help but know the truth, as hard as I try to stop it, and as much as I cry… there will never be enough tears to “cleanse” my body from this so called “disease”.  I’m still not sure if I’m quite “full on” lesbian.  And this persists in my mind because at times I will get a certain crush on a guy, but once I hook up with him, or he tells me he feels the same way, I’m over it.

It’s almost as if my mind plays tricks on me to keep me wondering, because girls do not have the same effect on me.  Girls are the only thing that I can picture in my head, and I tingle all over… but I want to have a family, kids that I’ve made with my partner, and I don’t want my family to picture me as a sin, or there always be that weird aquardness for the rest of our lives.  Would it be wrong to just marry a man and just always fake it for the sake of my family?  Is it bad if something feels so wrong, but at the same time so right?  All I can say is if you read this, and feel the same way, you’re not alone...  It’s rough stuff!

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Sydney

Hello, my name is Sydney. I'm 14, and im attracted to females. Im not sure if i should clasify myself as bi or les. I love women, everything about them, and it is possible for me to fall in love with males but i prefer women.

I started fantasizing about girls im 5 grade when i met my sisters friends sister (if that makes sense), anyways her name was mandy.

She was the first girl i ever liked, as more than a friend. At first i thought nothing of it, but as the days became months, and the months became years i realized i love this girl. I never loved anyone so much in my life, not even to this very day.

I told her how i felt after our trip to disney land, and to my surprise, she felt the same way. We would talk for hours on end, and we would hang out regularly. We never kissed, never fooled around. We were in love, not in lust.

I was afriad to tell people at first, but after i told my best friend, it was easier to expose. Even though my friends, and the whole school new, i still didn't tell my parents.

Unfortunately, one day when i came home from hanging out with my friend, my mom called me into the dining room. She had found out, one of my friends had betrayed me. My mother asked me if i really had feelings for this girl, and i couldn't lie. I told my mother that i was going to date her. My mother cursed and yelled. She made me cry the whole night.

My mother told me i was a sinner (she works at a church), and that god would send me to hell. It was and is still to this day, the HARDEST thing i ever had to go through. She told me that if i was a gay i would break her heart. Little did she know that when she spoke those very words, she ripped my heart from my chest.

My mother now thinks im straight, even though im not.

I guess the whole point of this story is to let you all know, that not everyone will except you for who you are, but the people who do except you are the ones who really love you.

Don't doubt yourself for one second. Love who you are, even if everyone else doesn't.

Best of luck to all you who are struggling. And to those who have been excepted, and loved, feel lucky. Many of us would kill to have friends, and family like yours who support us.

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Kat

My name is Kat, I'm almost 16 and I'm not sure what I am.

Shortly after I turned 14 I started feeling attracted to girls. In my entire life I only had 1 crush on a guy. I was too scared to go after him, but now I think I'm glad I didnt. For 8 months, I've known that I'm different. At first I thought that I was probably Bisexual, because I was scared that God would hate me if I was lesbian. I thought I could force myself to either like guys, or live a life without love because "homosexuality is sin." I thought that if I was bisexual, then maybe I could ignore my feelings for girls and I could eventually find a man and make God and my parents happy. I was wrong to try to force my feelings like that. About a month ago, I had a very short relationship with a girl. Although it only lasted 3 weeks, and I realized that I loved her as a friend and not as my girlfriend, she made me realize that I cant ignore my feelings. I have to be who I am, whatever that may be. She also taught me that I'm allowed to be happy and Bi / Les, that it doesnt have to be one or the other. I'm now thinking that I'm probably a lesbian.

I have told some of my a couple of cousins, my biological father (I live with my mother and step - dad) and so far theyve been really supportive. I'm too scared to tell my parents that I live with. My mom is really strongly set against homosexuality, but my dad is more accepting. They found out about my friends, and they're ok with it, but thats different than having it in your own house. I think that I was really lucky that I have friends who love me and accept me as I am. I think that I was doubly lucky that two of my best friends are Bi and Les, and that they supported me through everything. All they want is for me to be happy and find someone who cares about me, regardless of gender.

I want to thank everyone who has been here for me. And I want to tell everyone out there whose questioning their sexuality that its OK to question. You dont have to know right this minute what you want for the rest of your life. Just be yourself, and dont deny your feelings, because all it will do is cause you pain. Be happy, and be proud of who you are.

Much Love,
Kat 

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