A selection of stories about living with HIV and AIDS, written by young people from all around the world and sent to AVERT.
Avert.org also has stories from men and women living with HIV, from friends and relatives of people who have HIV, as well as stories from around the world.
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Las Vegas
I was one of the many cases of children born with H.I.V in the 90s. i was on a breathing machine for the first few years of my life. i was doing bad, the doctor told my mom i wasn't gonna live to see the age of three but for some reason im still here holding on at 20 years old.
With my 21st right round the corner, every year i thank god for letting me live through another tough year.
I feel god worked a miracle with my stuggling life.
B...
Hi,my name is B ,im 21years old.
I found out in June 2011 that i am hiv positive, my cd4 is 309, is this good or bad? I dont know.
My heart is heavy,im unsure of my life. Will i die tomorrow? All these qeustions! I feel like im going mad,but God seems to talk to me lately!
But still i dont know what to do with this disease. Ive told my bf, but he seems to be living in denial. I so want him to test, so we can both stay healthy.
At this moment im so negative,i had such big dreams. Finishing my degree, being independent, getting married,kids,growing old. Have all the joys of life.
I have no one to speak to. Ive decided not to disclose to my family or parents. I dont want to see the change of love in their eyes, that would break me. Im already broken, but somehow God is keeping me together. He is there, through HIV I have found my father.
At this moment i dont know how to live with this thing. Tears are burning my face, suicide have crossed my mind countless time. But by the power of God he seems to always comfort me. I talk to him everyday now. I know he lives. All i know right now, is that i need to stay healthy, not for myself but for the people that loves me.
In a weird way Hiv cured my soul from the evil of this world, and showed me the love that we as people can show. Im scared,i cry,sometimes i feel like doing something crazy. Like now, but then i get still, and i know he is God!
AVERT says: we have some really useful resources on our Learning you are HIV positive page. If you would like some help finding support in your local area please email us: info@avert.org
Jay
i'm 19 years old and i found out i was HIV positive 2 months ago, i froze when the nurse told me.
so many thing were rushing through my mind, but the one thing i kept
thinking was that i was going to die.
i have been reasured that i am not going to die, and im pretty healthy at
the moment and i don't need to start taking meds for a few years.
but when i first got told i got depression, and i gave up at college.
i fell behind with college work for 3 months (ive caught up now and i have
one more day at college)
i was planning to go to uni too this september, but when i found out i
decided i wasnt going to go.
i had a talk with my tutor at college and told them everything they were
very supportive and told me not to give up.
she gave me good advice and i have now decided i am going to go to uni.
i also have a boyfriend, i was with him 3 weeks when i found out about my
HIV status, sooo i though he was going to end it and it wouldn't have
surprised me. but through everything so far were still together 3 months
later. and luckily all his tests have come back negative.
i am going to go to uni, i am going to stay with my boyfriend and i'm going
to have an amazing future.
i need to stop getting depressed because having HIV isn't the end of the
world, plus drugs and medication are always getting better so who knows
maybe a cure in 3,5,10 years???
Cbiadi
I was born positive. my mom got it from my dad who was an army man.i found
out when i was 6 and been under ART like 4ever .
i first felt like commiting suicide but thro talk from my doctor learnt i could live 4 100yrs if eat n take drugs well .
my dreams keep me moving
Cloe
Hi im Cloe a 21yr old now i found out i was HIV+ in 2008 i was a rebbile loved parting and drinking but i always had one guy when it came to dating. In 2009 I fell inlove with who now is the father of my 8month baby. He Left me shortly when my baby was unborn my baby is Negative and so is he by GOds glory I LOVE him and i doubt if i'll ever stop ive changed my ways and have been submissive to GOD i pray and i am new born in christ i havnt started my treatment as off yet becoz my CD4 count is high up but i have the hugest fear which all women here fear. I want to get married have my dream home and family those are the outmost important to me FAMILY becoz i never really had family my mom passed away wen i was 13 and dad was just an ass whole so the feeling of having parents a mom a dad at home has always been what i have longed for as the only child now im scared im going to leave behind my daughter one day with no mom nor dad at home.histroy might just repeat it self i dont knw wat to do but i pray to GOD he will keep me out of this pain beacuse my heart cries so much and yearns for love. ;-(
amy
i found out i had hiv when i was pregnent at 16, was only with the lad 3 months and he didnt tell me he had it recieved a text when we broke up saying "go get tested in 3 months left u a little present" thought nothing of it until i found out i was pregnent then it all come together, at the moment, im getting numbers and advice i will get him put inside and notlet him do what he did to me to other girls, i will get money and i will live a good life with MY daughter, he has nothing to do with MY child i refuse to let a hopeless scum bag into her life..
I cried and cried for 2weeks then i sat there one day and i thought do i go through the rest of my life weeping or do i just live it to the fullest i wont let him or hiv ruin my life, its not a death sentence and ill be ok. Im healthy and ive met some amazing people since having it i look at life through a different light an appriate people around me so much more. I have an amazing boyfriend now who is hiv- but he accepts everything that comes with me and my daughter is the best thing to happen to me when ever i feel down i just look at her beautiful smile and think well if i didnt meet him i may not have hiv but i also wouldnt have this beautiful ray of light in my life.
Lynn
hi, my name is lynn.
i found out i had hiv when i was 17. just found out i was pregnant, i was so hurt .
i thought it was the end of the world but it isn't, its just a differnt way you got to live. i'm 34 now got two kids.
the guy knew he had it, never said a word. it is hard to talk about sometimes, you got to watch who you tell. peple are so ignorant been educashon on it.
guys want to be friends till you tell them then they turn there backs on you . i have had it happen three times now. it s crazy how peple are.
just hold your head. what gos around comes around..
Cam
Hello out there!
Im 29 years old. I found out that i was Hiv positive in Sept of 2008.
I dont know who I contacted the virus, but I have it. As I typing this it's Nov. of 2010. I would have never thought out of all these days i would have Hiv. I currently not on meds, my cd4 is around 310-350 and my viral load is less than 25000.
I am new at trying to deal with this condition and trying not to let it get the best out of me. I havent told my family for various reason. I am not involved in any support groups. I trying to deal with it on my own and know now from reading others stories that i can not do it alone. I was recently doing just fine coping with it until i told my doctor that i wanted to start on meds, when i later found out that the meds cost so much to afford. i currently work but no health insurance is available at this time. I been up for pass few weeks stress about this issue cuz i want to have a normal life. I cant finish typing, please pray for me....
Mcdoogle
Well i'm 15 going on 16. i was born with HIV, my dad gave it to my mom after he got back from the army.i found out i have a brother the same age as me just 2 weeks older but he was lucky and didn't get it but his mom did....
my dad died in 2001 from AIDS when i was 5.
i had been taking meds since like 4eva. nobody ever told me untill i was 8 and me and my mom were on our way to my aunts house and she said "Mcdoogle what if i told you we had HIV”. I said “cry” ..she said “why?” and started crying.. I shook my head no.. yes she said i didnt know what to do. all I did was cry.i just went numb.
my mom took me to the doctor (i go every12 weeks) and we talked about it. my doctor told me i am just like every body else and as long as i take my meds eat good and take care of myself i can live a long health life.
Anon
The New Start people came to my college to conduct free counselling and testing and i decided to go. Anyway it turns out that I was HIV positive.
They gave me that referral letter to take to the doctor and i kept it for about a month. I decided that i needed to know my CD4 count after reading the stories that are on here. Needless to say it was under 150 and a high viral load. My doc said that she was surprised i wasnt sick.
So now I am on ART and I am worried about telling my boyfriend cause i really like him and we just started dating. The thing is i really want him to know and yet a part of me is afraid that he will leave me. But I have decided that if he can't accept me the way that I am then maybe he is not the one. So will tell him this weekend.
Wish me luck.
Kathy
Hi im Kathy 12 i was born with HIV.. i dont know how many meds i have taken in my life... i was adopted when i was like 3 or 2....I dont really remember how my mom told me that i had HIV or anything... people tell me that people like me shouldn't even be on this earth but i dont care what they say im a human being and i deserved to be heard.. Im really scared to have a boyfriend because I know that i can give other people HIV.... I want to be married with 3 kids and i don't want to grow up 2 be a loner but.. how can i do all of that and im HIV i started to think is there anything that i can do...
Well i dont know but... Im happy to have people just like me who were born with it.. It makes me a little mad when i see things on T.V about HIV but then again there trying to help people so they dont end up like me or make a child like me i guess that kinda good... some times it feels like no body gets me but then there trying to help me so i cant really get mad at them.. but it really dose hurt sometimes
I just wanna be normal. like all the other girls you know have a crush get a first kiss without thinking about it... But i will Never regret who i am and what i have its made me who i am and i guess thats whatz important... I really dont like the meds they give me one word Nasty.. :-).. my mom makes me laugh about it or she trys... its crazy that I had to be me the only one in my family to have it .. well guess thats what i get 4 being borin last haha.... But it would be nice to have someone 2 really talk bout it with cant really trust my friends except my best friend who has the same thing. but i'll be 13 November ..23.. 2010 ... so ready....HIV is apart of me and im not really sure i want to get rid of it itz in my blood i was born with it.. u know i just couldnt do it .. thanks for reading ... bout me hope i hear for some of u ........... LATERZ
J.O
My initials are J.O and I was born with HIV. For people who were born with it can you remember the first time being told? Not me I feel I was born knowing this. When I was born I was born a very sick child. Lived in an incubator for a week or two and was fed from a tube. I was also adopted and as a child I heard lots of stories about my mother and the family, which I wish I could meet to get more undiscovered answer.
I was told that my mother was a drug addict and while pregnant with me she did these drugs. I was also told that doing drugs was probably the way she got infected and probably infected other including me. I was also told that this is why I was so sick as a baby. My family told me that my biological mother A would call and ask "is she dead yet" and my adopted mother said she would hang up the phone.
Growing up with HIV I didn't understand why me. I also didn't understand why I had to take so much medication at the time. So at on point I stopped taking my medication. I would hide it under plants and things of that sort. My Levels were high, very high and if didn't move with my sister in law and brother I would be very very sick or even possibly dead. I struggle with it because I'm 19 and dating would seem very hard for me because I know one day I would have to tell them and I could possibly not go well.
I don't really except it but I have to live with it. If I could tell something to people of any age who has HIV or even AIDS I’d say; ‘living with HIV/AIDS is the easy part you just can't let it consume you as a person, physically mentally because we're in control, not the virus’.
Ruthy
I am currently a full month away from being 21 years old. I am HIV +. I was born with it, but i didn't know what was wrong with me till i was 15 years old.
The way that i found out was that something was first wrong with me was when i was six years old and i got blind after getting very sick and taking twice as long as the other kids to get better.
When i was 15 years old i got my very first boy/friend. My father saw that we were already together for a year and he took me on vacation to Ecuador to tell me the truth i didn't know anything.
I trusted my parents. I didn't question them on anything. He told me there in Ecuador in a doctor's office that i had HIV and that i was born with it, it was the reason for my meds, doctor visits, blindness, and much more.
I didn't say anything, but i was destroyed inside. I felt for a lack for a better word dirty, lied to, and hopeless.
My boy/friend at the time Carmine, broke up with me over it. I felt it wasn't fair not to share something this important with him. And he freaked.
Kids in school made fun of me because a week later he told them. I had to switch schools.
I have gone a long way since then and am fine with it now even though it still bothers me. I only wish i had met other people with it. Parents if your reading this please don't wait to long to tell your kids, if at all. Teach them to handle it. Because it was the hardest thing in my life learning how to deal with people who had a problem with it.
Lily
I'm Lilly and I’ve just been given my diagnosis a couple of months ago. I'm 20 years old and I don't know exactly how or when I got the virus as I have never had any distinctive symptoms or conversion illnesses however I have my suspicions on my first love boyfriend when I was 15. I have been with my current partner for over 3 years and until now had never used protection, I feel grateful that he is still testing negative.
My initial reaction to the diagnosis was complete and utter shock...how could I get HIV? How could this happen to me? I am going to die! Although I was reassured by my health advisor that there has been progress and I would live hopefully a \'normal\' life, visions of AIDS patients did not stop crossing my mind. I cried non-stop for the next few weeks, my appetite disappeared, I was not able to sleep, I did not want to go out, got severe headaches and basically wanted to end it there and then.
My partner has been great in helping me get through this time, I have not told my parents as yet out of fear that they will disown me, or worse, making their life a living hell. Although I still get times when I break down and cry, I am beginning to feel slightly stronger and more couragous. I have joined a few support groups and have realised I am not alone, and this illness does not fit any stereotype- everyone is at risk, not just MSM, injecting drug users or people of colour.
I am not on medications as yet as my CD4 is still slightly above 350 and my viral load is relatively low. Every night I pray to God that they may find a cure to this terrible disease, but I must also acknowledge that yes, medications have come a long way and some doctors go as far as to claim that under the right circumstances ( adherence to treatment, time of diagnosis etc) one may expect to live a normal life expectancy. I cannot speak for all people who are positive as I have not experienced the medications yet, however for someone who has just been diagnosed I would say, calm down first of all and do your homework, make sure you learn as much as possible about the illness and choose the right doctor. For females, make sure you request a cervical smear as HPV is very common with HIV infected females and if caught early, the abnormal cells can be removed safely.
I believe God is giving me the strength to carry on and I will continue to better my lifestyle in order to minimise the chances of me getting sick.
Hopeful
I'd like to firstly how happy I was to find this website, I was just trying my luck but it really comforting to know that I'm honestly not as alone as I thought I was. It really is encouraging to read other peoples stories especially since I could relate to a lot of them. I like some of the other stories I have read was born with HIV. I told that I had HIV a month after my 18th birthday, a few weeks before I left home for university in the US. The news did not come as a shock to me. I had already started having my suspicions that something was wrong after what I thought was just another routine check.
My mother had been talking to Pediatrician in his office, when she came back into the room that I was waiting for her, it was clear just from her expression something was definitely not right. That day had marked the beginning of my HIV medication administration, as from that point on I was taking medication day in and day out which at the time I believed were just vitamins for my anemia that I would only have to take them for a while. After taking these medicines for almost 2 years with no real idea of when I would be able to stop taking them, my patience grew short and curiosity kicked in. I wanted to know what exactly these so called vitamins were doing for me that I had to take them so rigidly. So I googled my drugs, only to find out that they were HIV medication, when I read that my heart sunk. I couldn't believe it.
I remember thinking over and over again that there has to be some other explanation there's no way possible I'm HIV, after an hour and being part distracted by the pile of homework I convinced myself that they were just prescribed to treat something else. Unfortunately it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be to put thought of me having AIDS out of my mind, so that night after having spent hours lying awake and unable to sleep and now crying, part pleading with God that I had anything other than HIV. I finally got out of bed and went upstairs to my parents room in the middle of the night to confront them about the drugs. When I asked my mother she denied it, saying that the medicine I was taking was HIV medication but that they were for my anemia and only that. This story worked just as well for me because it didn't confirm my biggest fear, the last thing I wanted to hear was that I have HIV.
For a long time I was seriously in denial, but the thought was always in the back of my mind especially when I heard people talk about anything that had to do with HIVAIDS. After some time I started to pick up on the signs; my parents were taking the same medication yet they didn't have anemia, my mom reaction to my brother's comment about Magic Johnson when were watching MJ's memorial when he said that Magic Johnson looked too healthy to have HIV and that the whole thing is a lie someone with AIDS can't live that long. The real wake up call came one day when I was studying in the room next to the TV room with the door open. I overheard a church service, which my mom was watching about praying for the healing of sick children especially those born with illnesses. As the pastor said if you have a child sick lay your hands on them now...my mom came storming into my room to pray for me and when I asked why she was praying, after having overheard the whole thing on TV, she told me for God to give you wisdom on your exams. And that was that I told myself its time to face facts.So when the day my parents had called me up to their room to tell me what I had already long suspected that I was indeed HIV positive.
My parents couldn't believe that I handled the situation so well the feared the worst, that I would be hysterical but I told them that I guess I always knew I just never really truly accepted. I was hoping I would be wrong. I was hoping that day would never come. It's been almost 9 months since then and 8 since I started living on my own. Learning to take my medication on time, dealing with getting prescriptions, getting health insurance and seeking medical specialty advice have been part of my uphill battle with something that I never asked to have. But I can honestly say that with time it gets easier and I can honestly say I often forget that I have HIV. I'm healthy as can be; my body, the medications and most of all I am fighting. Without a doubt I believe that the greatest thanks belong to my savior Jesus Christ for keeping me and I believe that he will continue to do so.
My heart's desires to become a doctor, fall in love and start a family will surely come to pass. HIV has been anything but a death sentence to me, if anything it woke me to sit up and take notice of this beautiful gift called life, that many don't have or lose so early. With that being said I urge you all living with HIVAIDS to continue to stay strong, healthy, positive and hopeful for the future because you can trust and believe that your life is in your hands, you are at the driving wheel. HIV does not control you life you do!
Sad
I'm an 18-year-old girl and I was diagnosed with HIV at 16. I was not born with it and I am still a virgin and at times I just want to kill myself.
My mother died of AIDS when I was 14, but I only found out months before that she had been living with the disease. It was already months, or years too late because I had shared so many things with her that I would otherwise not have had I known.
For two years living with my estranged dad I didn't know that I was infected, but the signs started showing. Eventually I got tested, but have only had to start taking the pills a few months ago.
For over a year I have been depressed and even tried killing myself. It is unfair that I have never done anything wrong and yet I have to live with my mother's consequences.
Recently, I have found a really nice guy and who asked me out, and I said yes. We have been going out for over a month and he knows I am a virgin so he is not pushing me to have sex until I am ready. What he doesn’t know is that I'm keeping this secret from him, and jeopardizing his health by doing so.
I want to have sex, and I want to tell him my secret because I've fallen for this guy, and he makes me feel loved and brings out the best in me. Since I met him I have become a different person and am quickly getting over my depression, but I am afraid to tell him because I know he is negative and I don’t want to lose him. I really wish someone could advise me about this but my father is the only one who knows about my status and i cant talk to him about this boy...
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