Max

-\"i\'m not gay\"... how many times i didn\'t say this phrase to myself?

Since i was little i knew i was not like all the other guys, i usually was interested on other boys and not on grils, and i knew this was \"wrong\" but i didn\'t do anything because i was to little to understand what was being \"gay\".

So, at the age of 11 i had my first girlfriend (of course we were both little and it was nothing serious), i knew that i really didn\'t feel anything for her, but i just wanted to go out with her to prove my self that i was not gay... i gotta say that this was hard, because i was with the girl knowing that i didn\'t love her and that i was just using her; so eventuallty i break her up.

Next year (still trying to prove myself i was not gay) i dated this girl again, but this time things were a little bit more serious, she was more into things like kissing, of course this was not cool with me, because i didn\'t want to kiss her at all; well nothing happend and this time she broke up with me.

At the age of 14 i had a bestfriend (a girl), but then i found out she was in love with me... i\'m not sure what happend there, i thought i was in love with her and i started goign out with her, when we were already couple i realised i had confused the feeling of a good friendship with love; so i break her up.... after that we never spoke again and all our good friendship was lost (i still regret it).

When i got to the age of 15 i realised this problem was getting more and more big... everytime i was more and more interested by men, and less by women. but i kept telling myself \"i\'m not gay\" or \"i choose not to be gay\", so once again i tryed having an other girlfriend (this is the only time i could say i kind of fell in love with a gril); this was much more serious: i met her parents, she met mine, and with her i kissed a lot of times... but it was not good because eventhough i tryed to tell myself that this was \"the good thing to do\" i saw were things were going to, it was not going to be only kisses but there was comming more, so i decided to put an end to it, same as with the other: we never spoke again. That was my last girlfriend.

After this i knew i was gay but i just couldn\'t accept it,there was no way that i could accept myself as gay, my family wouldnt accept it, they\'re pretty religious and they always talk of gay people as something totally crazy, \"sick and wrong people\". Besides, my family has always thought of me as a good boy that has lot of girls; so i couldnt even think about the idea of telling them.

It\'s been more than two years now, that i had my last girlfriend, and i dont plan to have an other, it was very mean from my part to do this to these girls.
Eventually i got to accept myself as gay, it\'s hard, and i have just told to some friends, they took it well. but i dont have any intention to tell my family; in my house our parents gave me and my sisters the posibility to go were ever we want to study, and if we wanna stay to live over there we can; so as soon as i finish school i\'ll got to europe and i\'ll stay there for ever where i hope to find a true love.

Sometimes i ask myself \"why me?\" and you know, i just can\'t get this answer, but i can say that i\'m glad i finally got to accept myself, things in life happen and we never know why.
So whoever you are, wherever you are, and whichever your case is, i tell you: follow your heart and not your conscience, dont loose your time telling your self you\'re not gay, because that\'s not gonna change this fact. Accept your self as you are! and you\'ll see that things will go much better.
I tell this story because i have nobody here to trust enough for telling it, i hope you can get whatever you look in life; and if your case is like mine then do something before it\'s too late;
now i\'m almost 17 and it\'s hard to think about all the years of my life i lost trying not to be gay... now i just hope and think about finding the right boy, and i just know that i dont regret being gay, and that it\'s something i like, after all this is how i was born, this is me.

Max.

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Etienne

Hi, i'm Etienne and i'm 16 years old.

I knew I was gay ever since i knew that my name was Etienne. In my youth, i used to pay more attention to the guy, the prince or whatever male figure there was in the story than to the entire fable. The children at my elementary school noticed quickly that I was different from the others kids. They used to shout out names when I walked down the street. I didn't have a lot of friends, maybe two or three, all girls.

From age 3 to 10, my brother and I slept in the same room and talked lenghtily before falling asleep. One night, at age 7, unaware of the huge consequence this would generate, I asked my brother if he would bother sleeping with me in a sexual way. After he thought about it, he invited me to join him in his bed. I didn't refuse.

We didn't have sex that night since he couldn't get aroused and because I was too young to get excited about it. But this didn't make it less regretful afterwards. This experience haunted me throughout all my childhodd, and still.

Years after, I went to High school and I was still seen as the little gay boy walking down the hallway. Many boys asked me out, hot boys. But even if I knew that I was gay and that it was alright, something kept me from having boyfriends. At first, I thought it was because I was not really gay, but that was definitely false. Through years, I discovered that the problem was generated by the environment where I had been raised. As a matter of fact, I was born in a house where religion and faith were the main virtues. And in those moralities, homosexuality was just not part of it. My parents always spoke against it and told me that gayness was just a waste of human beings and a bad choice. Yes, they thought it was a choice. And because those ideas were forged so deep in my soul by my parents, I just couldn't go against it.

It took me years to have a real relationship with a boy. And still, I don't even know if I can call it like that. My first love was an internet romance. A real one. We met on an art website. We had the same interest, the same mentality, and the same love for each other. It was perfect, well, at least it's what i thought until that day. We lived far away from each other, so I decided to organise a trip to his hometown to finally see him. I was overexcited about this project, I couldn't wait to tell him. One day, I came back home from school, hopped on the computer and started to write. Once I was done explaining, he told me the most harsh words I ever heard. He said: "You can come and see me, but just for you to know, my feelings toward you aren't the same than years ago..." We never spoke to each other again.

When I was 13, I started to tell my friends about my homosexuality and most of them reacted really positively. They would say: "I doesn't change the way I see you." or " Gay or not, you're still the same person." But then came the moment where I had to tell my parents. I was frightened just by the idea of saying it to my mom. And this fateful day came far too early. I was sitting in the basement when she came to ask me this question. She asked me if I liked boys or girls, and I chose the first option. She tried to understand me and to convince me that I just didn't find the good girl. Finally, she wanted to make me go see a psychologist, but instead, she went to see one herself and she eventually understood that my problem was not such a problem after all. Still, I hear my mom arguing with my father that I will change and that it's just a temporary state.

My father was always on my side of the line when we spoke about homosexuality. And I always wondered why. I thought: "Isn't a father supposed to be against the fact that his son is gay?" I got my answer not long after. We were having supper, my dad and I, when suddenly, he looked at me in the eye and said: "You know, I resemble you more than you think." And he did. He admitted his homosexuality to me, told me about his miserable youth and how his dad couldn't manage to have a gay son. This little sentence tightened the bond between me and my father like never before.

I don't know if I wrote all of this for nothing and if it will help anyone, but i'm sure that, 5 years ago, it would've helped me.

Good luck,
Etienne

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Adam

hi, I'm Adam and I'm 14 yuears old

I suppose i started when me and a friend, henry were messing about at school and ended up having oral sex, I think i was about 7 years old at this time and didnt call myself gay.
I then had a string of boys of my own age who I was having sexual relationships with at the same timethere was my best friend who I was serious about and I really liked him but he was completely homophobic and just said he did it for the laugh so I never told him how i felt.
Then there were 2 boys from my primary school who were together and were picked on because of it, they showed me how it worked and i had sex, mostly oral, with them on and off for a few years. They once pressured me to have anal sex with them and i refused.

I then moved to a different town and became really good friends with a boy who was almost a month younger then me and developed a huge crush on him we got to the point where i was about to ask him out and I had to move schools and leave him behind.

I found a lot of friends ni my new school one of whom was a gay boy called sean who I fell in love with but he didnt feel the same and stayed only my friend. I had a lot of relationships with younger boys when at secondary school including someone 3 years younger than me which i felt really bad about because  we got drunk and i had sex with him, i believe he ws too young to hve sex the way i did.

i then met Laura who i am currently with and even though shes a girl it is real love.

My message i9s to keep your horizons open and never get so stuck on the fact that u think you are exclusively gay to stop looking for a opposite sex partner!! 

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Daniel

Hi my name is Daniel and I'm 17, I'm gay. The problem that i have right now is with my parents i haven't told them that I'm gay. I'm afraid that they are going to reject me by whom i really am. Now i am going to tell you guys how i turn gay.

  Everything started when i was 5 years old, in that time me and my parents we used to lived in Mexico. Sometimes i tell my parents why did we had to move to Mexico and they tell me because of economical problems. so back to my story, one day me and my others cousins were playing hide and sick until my cousin started to touch my private parts (i got aroused) so we i started to like it. So from that they on we started to do bad things, one everyone was in the house were out side and me and my cousin were in a room by ourselves and we began to had sex (men i regret doing that) my grandpa catches us doing that so they heat us and we never try to do that again. this another secret that i have and never told my parents about it i had sex with my other cousin.

I think i did that because i felt lonely because my dad  had left us for about two years and my mom had to work all day long so i had to take care of my little sister. so that had happen and my mom forgived my dad so we had to move back to the united states. So i started  school by not knowing any English that was a problem for me because i couldn't communicate with anyone that was hard for me to learn a whole new language. In middle school i took ESL i knew a little bit of English that was one of the years that were hard because many were telling me names like you look gay. I made friends they were cool but they never knew that i was gay. sometimes i wish i could of tell them. that had happen in middle school.

 In 9th grade everything was much better because   i was more mature than the other students i was like the shy one from the class they didn't bug me allot. So that was great i made new friends most of them were girls because i felt more protected because every time that some would told that something they would of talk back to them. In my 10th grade i had regular English that was cool. OK now iam going to tell you about my first crush. I was in my Spanish class 2nd semester i was doing my work and some i was checking in our class he was attractive because he was a pretty boy but something about him attracted  me  i dint knew him so one day we started to talk and he told me "whats your name" and "i told them Daniel." "i response and yours Israel" . since that day we never talked again but we said hi to each other. That pass and my 11th grade i was in the honor roll so me and another girlfriend were taking AP Biology she new Israel so he told her that was gay so then she told me that he was gay and told my self hey Daniel this is your chance to ask him out but i was shy to tell him . My friend didn't knew that i was gay until one day she ask me Daniel are you gay and i told her yes that  was the first per son that knew with that she gave me the courage to tell my other friends that i was gay and they accept me by really i am. Then my BFF told me if i liked someone and i said yes i told is the guy that you went out that guy was Israel i was kind of jealous and she told me that she was sorry i said its okay. so that was that.  

  Now that i am a senior i have to much pressure because i have to apply to some universities. but i feel good because last October some teacher sends us note that me and my friend had to take a test so we did went. We went in class we sat and were waiting for more people so the teacher gave us some paper and then Israel comes in and sits at the sane table that we were sit in but o couldn't see him because the computers were in the way. We were taking our test ,and my friend wrote something to Israel. So we switch places my so that my friend could of whisper to him. they were talking and i was doing my test so she had finish first than me than told me to move by him and we started to talk and i felt something in my stomach we talk about our personal life and he told me that he was bisexual and i told them that i was gay he was shocked because we use to talk but i never told him that i was gay. that was surprising for him so the teacher came and told me to move because we were talking . I finish and he touch my hand that was the happiest day of my life . but i was going to ask  him out but my friend told him that i like him and he told her that he was int resting on me . Everything collapse . so right now i am  here thinking about him and get him out of my head.

   So this i want i think if you love someone ask him out before someone tells him that you like him. Always be your self and love you by whom you really are. One of my dream is to find my prince Charmin one day.           

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Harry

I'm Harry, 14, and I just wanted to post this to quickly share my story. I am been really lucky - my parents and family guessed from a young age that I was gay (I used to love dolls and girly toys, and pink and purple have always been my favourite colour) and they were really supportive even from a really young age when I remember my mum bringing it up in conversation that "sometimes two men or two ladies fall in love just the same as a man and a lady" and although at the time I said "thats silly!" and laughed, it was something I remembered when I came out to them at the age of 12, and it was one of the things which made me feel more comfortable doing so as both my parents had said in the past that they wouldn't mind at all if I was gay and I knew this was true. The issue was at school. Most people were really supportive and completely ok with it, but there are always some people who just don't like anyone different, and some of the more popular, macho boys started to say that I wasn't really gay, that I was just pretending for attention, and this really hurt me. I'm not someone who likes attention and I'm really very shy, so this was hard for me to understand. Soon these rumours started to spread, and to this day some people still aren't convinced. They have said that I am "too gay to be gay" and that I am over feminine, but I think the problem is that because I am overweight, the high voice and feminine behaviour look more exaggerated. That's a problem which I should be able to overcome in time, and luckily I am learning to tackle these bullys more effectively, so hopefully, life should get better soon - but I just remember how lucky I am and try not to let them bother me for now! Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Jeff

I suppose my life is a little different than what the average seems to be for someone who's gay. Since about age 6 I've had some connection towards men, while feeling repulsed towards women. I've had to move a lot when growing up, and didn't have many close friends because of it. I have always been a shy person who never talked much, so that made finding friends even harder.

When I was 7, I experimented with my best friend then Seth. He told me about how sex worked and what to do. I feel sorry that he learned this off of watching his parents engaging in the acts. Anyway, as we had sex (mostly oral), I became closer to him and wanted to keep this feeling we had together. A few months later however he moved away and I had to meet new friends in my apartment complex. About a year later, I met a boy named Jin who I got along with really well, and I persuaded him to try having sex with me. I still feel terrible to this day for having brought this into his life, even though I didn't know what I was doing back then. Long story short, we were behind some bushes (for privacy of course) and his father found us, called the police, and caused a huge scene.

After that, his father forbid him from seeing me. I can remember after trying to play with him and his friends, we held a race. I was the fastest one there and his sister shouted "And the winner is the gay kid!" as all my other "friends" laughed and called me gay. Thankfully, I moved soon after that to another state.

I moved to a small town in Oregon, and I immediately became best friends with my neighbor. I was 10 when I first moved there. Anyways, as the years passed, I would be asked by classmates as far back as 5th grade if I was gay. 5th grade! I didn't even know then what gay was, so I said no since they made it sound like a bad thing. This didn't stop all throughout the whole time I lived their for four years.

My relationship with my best friend became closer and closer to the point where I would hang out at his house almost every day for hours. About four days a week or more I would also spend the night at his place. We would talk about lots of things and we always had fun. Around age 12-14, we would tease each other by acting gay towards the other, except say something like "just kidding" or laugh afterwards. He didn't know that I was serious when I was doing things with him.

Apparently, he must've felt something for me because one night, we were sitting on his bed talking and he suddenly asked me "Have you ever wondered what sex with a guy is like"? I said yes and then he asked if I wanted to have sex with him. I tried my best then to say yes without seeming eager. A few occasions happened afterward where we would fool around and have dry sex or be very close to having sex and back out once our clothes were off.

Things became akward however and we just stopped seeing each other. He kept insisting we kept going, and I told him I wasn't comfortable because I didn't want to kill our friendship. He didn't listen so I stopped talking to him. Everyone else noticed since we used to be joined at the hip. Thankfully (again), I moved about 9 months later to another small town in Oregon. Going through high school was hard, and I ended up dropping out. Kids thankfully didn't tease me since I was quiet and they didn't know me.

In sophomore year, I was sent to a hospital for depression (guess why) and it was there that I told my mom that I was gay. She said she was ok with it, but in truth I knew he was uncomfortable, and she and the staff decided that I needed help. I was then shipped off to live in a residential center called the Parry Center. I lived there for about 4 months and was finally shipped back home( I say shipped because I had no word in any of it and I did not want to go there). I was also shipped off to another place a year later and had to live there for a month. I was sent there because my mom did not approve of who I fell in love with, and apparently the police bought her fake story (women+tears= instant sympathy) and escorted me there.

I met my now current best friend in Freshman year and didn't come out to him for three years. I felt uncomfortable telling him since he is a little hateful towards some groups of people, though he a nice person otherwise. I eventually had some trouble with him since his girlfriend caused a huge gap in our friendship, and I finally decided that I may as well go all or nothing. I told him I was gay, feeling that since our friendship was close to gone, I wouldn't lose much if he didn't like the news. Surprisingly he told me he knew for a while and was just waiting for me to tell him.
He broke up with his girlfriend of two years then and we have gotten much closer. He's even told me that he's bisexual himself, which was really surprising on my part to hear.

I'm 18 now and I guess you could call me lucky. I have never been majorly harassed or beat up for being gay, and I'm still a virgin (I consider myself one since I don't think sex at 7 years old counts). I have not tried drugs, only once tried alcohol, and have had very good responses when I come out to people. Most of them are surprised and say they never would have thought that I was gay haha. I'm a christian who constantly tries to live my life for Him, and always try to improve myself, while seeking the truth about homosexuality and the bible.

My life is really turning up now and I'm hoping reading this may have been at least a little helpful or motivational to read.Just know that being gay isn't something you can choose, and that you should think things through before making choices in life that will affect you later.If someone is harassing you or bullying you because you're gay or think you're gay, know that they're either doing it because they're either wanting to fit in, are fearful of the unknown to them, or are closeted homosexual and doing it to distract attention from themselves.

I really typed too much into this, so kudos to you if you read through this whole thing lol. Just keep your chin up and live life one day at a time, and never let others get you down for who you are and what makes you unique.

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James

My name is James and I am 15.
I was a strange child. 'Old before my time' is how everyone described me, I took too much responsibility upon myself and that resulted in depression, not that I realised it then but crying myself to sleep was the norm. Just to tell you all, being Gay doesn't have to of meant that an early occurrence affected you, but it was in my case.

Being brought up in a strong, catholic home with a very masculine 'lets get p**sed and watch the football' father who only ever seemed to be home after midnight and gone before i wake up.. seemed to hold a gap in my life.

I had my first 'girlfriend' when I was 11, a girl one year younger than me, melissa was her name, but i left her, for some reason i was embarrased. Again when i was 14, a very emotion relationship with a girlfriend left me hurt badly. But I cannot say i ever loved them two. I did not get the feeling until me and Mikey met.

There was this boy at my secondary school, I was in year 9, he was in year 7. I am the youngest in my school year, if i was born 3 days later id be below 1 school year (i say that to make the fact i loved a younger kid bearable). Mikey had crystal blue eyes and dyed black hair, openly labelled himself as 'emo' something i was really attracted too. In the winter he worse a blue scarf which really complemented his look. I always lost my breath when he walked past, he didn't even know me. Until, I got his IM. Once we started talking I never shut up about him to all my friends. One of my closest friends is an open bisexual, and after watching the whole school population tear him to pieces I am not ready to come out to my peers.

Then Mikey got talking to my friends, that was the downfall, this blue eyed wonder fell in love with my best friend, a girl.

Now, about one year after where i left that situation, me and Mikey have been together for 6 months, he says hes gay, we have kissed, he's... done things to me and we're happy. I have not told my parents, just three of my closest dearest friends . I dont feel a need to tell my family, they dont usually want to be there for me, I feel  fine in my current situation. There is one thing that happened, me and mikey were waiting for a bus and before he left, I kissed him. A group of girls shouted abuse at me. Society doesnt understand how much love actually means to people, and i bet, with my whole heart that 70% of relationships have never really experienced the feeling i get when Im with mikey ,I have told people that i love them, but the feeling when you actually love someone is fat different, the buzz in your stomach..

Gay Love is perfect if you let it be. Be yourself always and everything turns out great in the end.

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Fred

My name is Fred and I'm 18 years old. I'm mexican. Being gay in Mexico, as in several countries, is hard. Homosexuality is seen and treated here in a very denigrate way. But stop talking about the bad things.

What I would like to share with you is 2 things. The first is related to strength and perseverance. Do not give up on fighting your rights and never, ever, think you're less human than any other people on earth. The people who is less human are the ones who discriminate not only gays, but women, elder, black people, etc.

Number two is related to love. Your boyfriend will arrive as long as you act as yourself. Do what you like. If you like to bike several miles, like armstrong, do it. And eventually you'll find a guy who does the same exact thing. That's what It happened to me, I met the most wonderful guy while I was giving a fitness class. Sadly, we broke up, I don't know the real reasons, but I think it could have been because of his family's pressure on him and the hard reality for gays in Mexico.

Any-way, I'm happy and I spent wonderful time with my friends, my job and fitness.

Be happy. Be you. Live the day at the limit.

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Chris

I, like most other people, had had enticing feelings towards men since I was about twelve years old. When I went to the first day of class of sixth grade we had a new student and the teacher introduced to him. Immediately we became friends. It was not too long after that when we visited each others' houses and began to 'fool around.' We kept reassuring ourselves that all the other guys in the school were doing this as well and that we weren't alone. Him and I were together, secretively, for about four years. In the meantime I had dated a few girls, but no longer than a couple weeks at a time.
 
When I went to college I thought that I could change myself. I had spent the first three years forcing myself to like women and watching every move I made to make sure I didn't come across as gay. It had gotten to a point in my Junior year where I tried to sleep with a girl and no offense to her, but that was the most disgusting, and embarassing moment of my life. I claimed from that moment I never wanted to touch that portion of a girls anatomy EVER again. No offense to girls and straight guys. That was kind of my last ditch effort to really secure the fact that I wasn't gay. It didn't work.
 
It was December of that year (Last December actually) when I started to do research about being gay and coming out. I decided that I was finally going to tell someone over choir tour that January. Well, I never got the chance to tell who I wanted to so I figured that I could keep it hidden at least until I got out of college. Well one night in January (late at night) I was lying in my bed and I had finally gotten to a point where I had to tell someone. I tried calling my best friend but he was going to bed so I didn't want to bother him. So I layed in my bed that night shaking, my stomach was killing me, almost crying, and I just had to tell someone. So the next day, I told the secretary down in the Music Department and from that point, I began to tell my friends. At first I wanted to be very laid back about it however, it did not take long for me to be comfortable enough to not conceal it. I never announced over a loud speaker or anything but I embraced it.
 
Telling my friends became easy, the scary part was, knowing that I had to tell my parents. I told my two sister and my aunt because I knew they would be okay with it. When I told them, I thought they were going to be furious. They weren't. However, they were not exactly happy either. My father kept telling me I should go see someone and that I was confused and for about the next week or so he didn't speak to me. My mother did talk to me however, she kept getting upset. After about a week, things were somewhat back to normal, my dad was talking to me again and my parents said before I went back to school that they loved me very much.
 
Today, I am 21 and a senior in college and loving every minute of my life. My parents are totally okay with my orientation but my dad and I do not really talk about it, which is okay. Him and I still do the things we used to do, like go to car shows and such. The only issue I face is that I am a church organist for a very conservative Presbyterian church. I am sure people at that church can figure out that I am gay for they are not retarded however, I am not out at that church because I know I would be fired if I was.
 
So my advice is, if you are in the closet, do not wait until you are old to come out. I wish I could have when I was 15, not 20 even though that is not old. However, take your time and do it when you are ready. Once you do, you will hopefully realize that it isn't so bad but be ready to embrace the "bumps" in the road because there will be some. =)

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Alex

Hi! I'm Alex and i'm 23 years old.

Frankly speaking, life is not an easy stream for individuals having a different sexual orientation. I have experienced the inconveniences, the rejection and the atrocities of the so-called straight guys who always like to show their superiority and arrogance over the weak ones. Actually these guys think that they are well accepted in the society and are not among the minorities, so they can do whatever they want without being judged or criticized for their wrong actions.

I was 12 years old when i was admitted for the first time in a private secondary boys college. That day i felt lonely, as i usually frequented girls in a mixed primary school. Everything went on smoothly the first day, until i met Pedro who discovered my girlish behavior and shared it with other classmates. From that day all the students of my class started treating me as a "Pufter" and named me " Maggy". Fortunately i had two friends, in the same class who were gay and supported me emotionally, but they were even being mentally and physically tortured by the naughty college boys. Slowly the rumors came out from one class to another. They used to throw bottles caps on us, treat us as aliens and told the teachers about our homosexuality. I admit it was not that easy to bear their attitudes towards us. Nevetheless, i mustered courage, managed and stuggled to pass my exams and eventually got out from that troublesome adolescence world to a professional one, where i met a guy whose name is Santiago.

He appreciated me, for what i am and give me lots of love and
affection. It was not an easy adventure, but with patience and courage, we certainly achieve higher grounds. My message to all the gays, is that one must not discourage and bother about what others think about you, but, one must live his life freely without fearing about the others. Certainly your future will be brighter and maybe lots of opportunities and possibilities will come out. "We are not born gays, but it's the society who treat us as gays". We have our rights like any human being and we have to fight.

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Gage

My name is gage im 17 im openly gay with my parents friends and everyone for that matter. i knew i was gay around 13 before that i just lied to myself it was horriable holding inside for that long. i never had guy friends i stayed with the girls they were kind and more accepting of different people. i told my mother she was like tell me somthing i dont know. she could care less as long as im happy. and matters of love lots of crushes here and there but only one has knocked me off my feet just being around him made me happy. he is still one of the few guy friends i have. what threw me for a loop is one day in art class out of the blue he asked are you gay i was dumbstruck. it suprised the hell out of me i told him yes,not five minutes later he asked if i was a top or bottom this i refused to say yes or no. that weekend he came over to my house for the weekend we goofed around outside. later that night we were playing a ps2 and all the sudden i feel somthing hit me in the face.
 i turn and look there he holdin a party boy speedo. i then  beat the crap out of him (not really he beat me up lol). ive never made a move or told him how i feel not even when we slept in the same bed. the strange thing is now i love enough that all i care about is that he is happy. now i only talk to him about three times a week he moved to a different school. it haunts me to this day that maybe if i had told him maybe just maybe we could have been together who knows maybe there is still hope.

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Christopher Justin

Where to begin? My story seems like it happened so long ago, when in reality it hasn't. The feeling of it only being yesterday is slightly there, though. Let me warn you now, this story is going to be really long:

My name is Chris, I'm 18, and fully out of the closet. When I say fully, I mean everyone in my life knows that I'm gay.

A part of me always knew I was different from other guys. Especially in middle school. I had more friends who were girls and whenever I got a girlfriend, it felt more like an obligation than something that was supposed to be enjoyable. The kissing, the hugging, the anniversaries - it all felt like work to me. I loved these girls, I admit, but emotionally and not physically.

Junior year comes around (11th grade), and I was still in the closet. Lying to myself and those around me. I still remember getting asked if I was a "homo" or a "fag" by some of my guy friends and even some of the girls. Of course, I said what any other guy at my age who's so conflicted with his feelings, "NO WAY! I'm not a cocksucker!"

It wasn't until I was dating this girl named Alexandra. That's when I finally had enough. I remember this part like it was yesterday. April 20th, 2008. I messaged my best friend Dejah and finally told her, "I'm gay" never in my life have I felt more relief when she said, "I don't think any differently of you at all because you are someone that I consider as a really great friend."

Throughout that night we messaged back and forth and she gave me the best advice that still sticks with me to this day, "For other people to accept you, you must first accept yourself,"

Before those words, I knew I was going to break up with Alexandra, but with one of my cliche lines like, "I'm not ready for a relationship...let's just stay friends" but after talking to Dejah I came to the decision to just tell her the truth, because eventually she would find out.

So Monday comes around (April 21st, 2008) and Alexandra comes to the table where I sit at usually in the mornings and I immediately look at her and tell her, "We gotta talk," I wish I had better words than those because she immediately knew something bad was going to follow.

We walked over to this bench in front of our school's library which we named Bobby mainly because we were the only ones to ever sit on it because it was just a lone bench in the middle of nowhere. We were facing towards the dumpster and that's when I finally said what I wanted to say in four words,

"Alex, I'm...I'm...Gay..."

And for some reason the sun went away and it started to rain for the amount of time Alex was was silent, which felt like forever but in reality may have been 2 or 4 minutes. The only thing she could say was, "It's okay..." and she put her arm around me.

With that the bell rang and I thought everything was going to be fine. I was wrong. I don't want to sugar coat the week for you, because it was truly terrible. "Hell Week" is what Alex and I like to call it. Every time we saw each other that week it felt like the Pacific Ocean was in between us. The awkwardness we felt in Spanish Class sitting next to each other was unavoidable.  Everyone saw it. Everyone knew why things were the way they were.

Dejah was the only one who was truly there for me at this moment.

"You can only go up from here, Chris."

It was true. Monday comes around. Alex sees me in the morning and says, "You wanna talk?"

In my head, I hated her. I never wanted to talk to her. I felt broken and lied to. I of course didn't know what kind of pain she was going through so I wanted to hear her out.

We walked the way we usually walked. (Walk past the dorks and make a lap around Admin building)

It was before we hit the dorks where things became good again. Alex did the one thing she knew that makes me forgive anything. She made me laugh. I can't remember what it was, but as soon as we were laughing again, it felt like we were best friends all over again.

As Junior year came to a close my life was so much better. I was out to my school. going to school became one of the best part of my day because at school I could be ME. Everyone knew, and I didn't care.

Senior year comes around. This is the most complicated part of the story.

My parents have been divorced ever since I was three. My dad is in the Military and we get moved around a lot. My mom lives in Hawaii. Mililani area to be specific. Junior year and during the summer before senior year I was living with my mom. (Joint custody sucks, FYI). So, this guy I knew way back in 7th grade and saw again in 9th grade while I was living with my dad messages me, "Chris, we need to talk," I remember it was the Friday of schedule pickup for Seniors. I called him right after. What did he have to ask?

"Chris, are you sure you're not gay or at least bi?"

See, before when he asked this he was a total jerk about it.

"Chris, if you're a cocksucker...oh man. HAHAHA"

See, but this time I was proud. I was happy with myself. I didn't care. I told him straight up, "YES, I AM GAY. I LIKE GUYS. NO, I LOVE GUYS? you got a problem with that?!"

I felt pretty proud of myself, but then he said, "No..cause...I think I might like guys too..."

After that, let's just say I found my first boyfriend. With all the problems he started to give me before I was moving back with my dad just to be with him it caused me to do something big. I was becoming super emotional. My emotions consisted of extreme depression and fake happiness. My mom noticed. Finally she asked, "What's going on with you? You're not yourself. Like you're never happy."

that's when I blew up, "Mom, I'M GAY. okay? And my boyfriend is being an asshole!"

The face she had was priceless. We had a long talk, just to be general. She always knew. She didn't care. She still loved me. My mom and I have never been closer.

So, my asshole of a boyfriend finally apologizes for the BS he's been putting me through. Thank God, because I was moving back to NY that week.

The day I saw him...it was so awkward. We didn't touch..just made simple compliments about eachother.

"You smell really good."
"You look nice in that shirt"
"I like your hair"

Oct 9th, 2008 is when it finally happened, though. We finally kissed. that was my first kiss from any guy. Nothing felt more right. I knew I was really gay right there and then because of the tent I made in my jeans.

Oct 13th, 2008 is when we went all the way. Sex. Right there is when I knew that I love being held by someone else.

Things went well until Jan 1st. We finally broke up. So many problems. He was so religious it drove him crazy that he was "spitting in God's face"

I remember...depressive...almost to the point of being suicidal. That was me. This time, my dad got to see it. I made up lies as to why I was looking the way I did. Until I finally ran out of lies and when he found a picture of my ex and me kissing. He finally asked, "Boy, are you a faggot?"

I sucked up all the courage I could and said, "Yes, dad. I'm a full blown fag."

I was never sent to my room so fast. The lectures that followed. How it's against God...and everything we believe in. How I'm a disgrace to my family. Man, Filipinos are irritating, right?

What really set him off is that he was the last to know..

To this day, my dad is STILL trying to get me to date girls. Get one girl pregnant and you can fuck all the guys you want. Yeah, okay. No thanks.

I'm, Chris, 18, and fully out of the closet. My story isn't what I thought it would be when I was younger.

Never in my life would I have thought I would be sitting here typing that I'm out to my family, friends, and co-workers. I'm alive, as successful as an 18 year old gets, and I'm happy.

I guess the point of my story is so that there might be a teenager who's in the position I was and has something to read to tell them

"Everything Is Going To Be Okay."

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Robert

So my name's Robert and I'm 15. My story might make someone shy away from the idea of coming out, but I think it's a beautiful thing if you don't have insane, extremely-conservative parents who make you wish you were a foster child. Anyways, here goes:

I haven't always known I was gay. The signs were always there, but it's the kind of thing that you really don't think about until much later. I was about 7 when the signs slowly revealed themselves, but it took till about the age of 10 to recognize it, and MUCH longer to accept it.

So it started around the time I got to middle school. I was 11 when it really hit me hard. I had a lot of time to think about it, and I'd cry myself to sleep every time I had a fantasy about a guy. I'd wonder about silly things, like getting married and having children, and it would all seem so unattainable. Nevertheless, I moved on with my life.

I was 13 when I decided to fight it. Fight like my life depended on it. I went out with girls and went to church, because as I had been told my whole life, "God doesn't approve of that, and he can change it," which I soon realized was a joke. By the end of 8th grade, the thought that I was gay never crossed a single person's mind. I used to monitor myself, and make sure that EVERY gesture I made, every word I said, every glance, every step, everything, was 100% masculine. But then the subject came up with my best friend (a girl) and she asked what I thought of gay people. In an attempt to keep my secret, I made the most negative comments, and she asked why I was so insensitive and whatever. That was a turning point. A few months later, when I was 14, I told her.

She was beyond accepting, and everything was so much easier from that point on. The following week, I told my other good friend Allan (with whom I was deeply infatuated) and he was just fine with it. The very next day, I told another friend, then another, and another. Soon I had a circle of like, 20 people who were in on the secret. And of course people talk about these things, so without my touching anything, nearly my whole class knew, and every other day people would come up to me and ask "Robert, is it true?" I denied it, and I was pretty angry that my friends had told people.

One night, I was just sitting at my computer reading stories like the ones on this site, and I thought "whatever, it's really not a big deal." So I wrote a public blog announcing that I was out and proud. Soon, everyone in the school knew at least my first name; and yes, some people made negative comments, but a surprising 99% of people didn't care. I could talk about almost every aspect of gay life with them, including sex, and they would just be cool about it.

Everything was all flowery and perfect until the day my mom found out. She told my dad, and he picked up some lady off the street and told her to spend the night in my room. I didn't do it. He was drunk, so he would curse every word from A-Z and threatened to beat me and other things. He decided to take me to reparation therapy, and my mom started taking me to church 3 times a week. When my parents realized that the therapist was actually on my side, he stopped taking me, plus he was afraid I'd tell about the prostitute.

I soon took up smoking weed, and when my mom found out about that too, she put me in a different school and took away every privilege I ever had: no more phone, no more computer, no more going out, NO MORE FRIENDS, EVER, and basically no more anything except eat, sleep, shower, and homework. And that's kind of where I'm at now. I don't smoke weed anymore. In fact, I stopped LONG before my parents found out anyways.

So that's kind of where I'm at now: socially underprivileged. My dad keeps threatening to send me to military school if I keep telling people, but behind both their backs, I'm out in my new school too. I wear so many rainbows that even if you didn't know me, you know. And my new best friend is a lesbian (openly) so yeah...

I really think myself a brave warrior (for lack of a better term) for having come out so early and so willingly, and I wouldn't trade my openness for anything. Before it was hard to tell anyone, but now it's hard to keep it a secret, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

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Mitch

Hey my name is mitch and I am 18 and gay. I first knew I was gay around the age of nine by the way I acted. I was reading all these stories and thought why not add one.
All through my life I have been bullied and teased, I was first called gay in year 4 even though I had a girlfriend. I didn’t want to admit that I was because it seemed wrong, now I know denying who I am was wrong. I try to give advice the best I can so I help all my friends who are still in the closet. I told my parents I was gay when I was 16, I had come out to my friends because my friends were like family and still are and I thought if they could handle it so could my family, I was wrong.
I love my family and now we get along great my dad is still struggling with the fact that I am gay.
Going through school was hell and I couldn’t wait to leave, I never really had any male friends because they were all into sports and cars and to be honest I have no idea about any of those things lol.

The day I came out was the best day of my life, I felt the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I live in a small town so word gets around quiet easily but I wasn’t fussed. As soon as my parents knew I didn’t care who I told, sure you lose friends because of it but you can also be who you are instead of hiding it so you gain friends as well.
The guy I fell in love who made me come out was unbelievable I hadn’t felt this way at all, we rarely hung out together but in PE we used to wag and just talk I always looked forward to PE class even though it was twice a week.
He was a popular guy I wasn’t if he was seen talking to me then he would lose his friends.
He asked me one day if I was gay and I just simply replied yes I didn’t want to lie to him I was hoping he would say he was gay too. He was the first person I had come out to.
He didn’t care, but I had in the back of my mind that my life was over.
When we hit year 8 we weren’t in PE together but we still wagged classes and met up, one day he turned to me and asked how do you know if your gay, I said you just know, he turned to me and said I think I might be gay, well my eyes lit up, then he asked if he could kiss me to find out, so we kissed something I had dreamed about since I met him.
Turns out he was bisexual, which confused me but what can I do.

He left my school and I was devastated my first love was gone he knew who I really was I didn’t have to hide around him.
When I was in year 10 that is when I decided the hell with this I’m coming out I don’t even know if I was ready all I knew was I didn’t want to hide anymore, so I came out.
My best friend at the time was devastated I had no idea she was in love with me I felt horrible I broke her heart…. Anyway the point of this story is be who you want to be don’t be what other people want you to be because if you do you will never be happy.
Never feel forced that you have to come out do it when your ready and just live your life 

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Huw

I'm eighteen years old, currently attending university. My story begins when I was thirteen years old. In the P.E. changing rooms at school, I started noticing the other guys, staring at them in their underwear and such. It was an uncomfortable feeling; I was still young enough to be fooled by all the idiotic taboos that society has placed on sexuality and therefore I told myself that I was being stupid. Just curiosity, nothing more.

A few months later, I got access to the internet at home for the first time. As every hormone-addled teenager does, I quickly started browsing for porn online. Just as quickly, I was bored by the conventional male-female porn. Not only was it uninteresting, but I could never lower myself to being turned on by the woman degrading herself for the man's sexual gratficiation. I guess, at the age of thirteen, I had already noticed how unrealistic porn was (and I was and still am a virgin).

So I browsed for other types of porn. Soon enough, I was on gay sites, and these were much more interesting. I couldn't help but let myself get sucked in to the world of gay porn. It was a disease, a poison, but it was so good. I was ashamed of myself; a good little boy like me couldn't possibly be gay! No, I told myself; I'm bisexual.

For a few years, that wasn't exactly a lie. I did still have sexual attraction towards females, but the porn I watched was almost exclusively male-male. And then I got my first crush, and I knew that I was definitely very close to being gay.

He was my best friend for years. We did everything together, going out in the evenings, climbing trees, staying over each other's houses etc. I found him very cute, and couldn't help but let my imagination run wild. I always felt guilty about fantasising over him. Even now, I'm ashamed to admit it. He caught me when I was 'busy' the one time, and since then I was never ashamed about anything around him. We shared our deepest, darkest secrets with one another, and eventually I saw him naked. He kept asking if I was gay, and I kept denying it, but asking myself the same question on the inside. Was I? I didn't know.

We lost contact after secondary school. He went to the local sixth form, while I went to college about twenty miles away (unrelated note: that was one hell of a commute - hour and a half, two buses, twice a day, every day). I stopped thinking about him after a while, and started focusing on my new life in college. Nobody I'd met in those two years was anywhere near as close to me as my friend had been. I found one guy cute, and I could have sworn that one of the girls there was messing with my heart. She was the only reason that I was still weakly clinging on to the notion that I was bisexual; at the age of seventeen, I was still hesitant about admitting it to myself.

Nothing remotely interesting happened in college, so I'll spare the details. In the summer before uni started, I got in contact with my friend from school via Facebook. We started hanging out again, and I was delighted to find that it was just like old times. Nothing was different.

Well, something was. He was no longer a virgin. He'd had various girlfriends in the last two years, and he'd had sex with most of them. He would tell me stories, and it was all I could do to force myself to smile and look happy for him, while my insides screamed in pain. I was jealous. Not of him, but of those girls. They'd got the very thing I'd been trying to get for years.

At that moment, when I realised how jealous I was of people I'd never met before, I suddenly noticed how I hadn't had a sexual thought about girls in over a year. I was confused. Does sexuality change over time? I didn't know the answer. I still don't. But I know that I am now, and possibly always have been, gay.

I'm now in university, going to a different one from my friend. I'm hoping that I can find someone who I can really love. For I was never really in love with my friend. It was just a deep affection that a silly young boy had for his best friend that grew to an infatuation.

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