Young Bisexual and Gay Men: Personal Stories

Dan

hello, my name is dan.

i am 21 years old and a graduating college student . i have this confusing experience when i was just 2nd year high school i meet a friend, he become my best friend. Since high school we often go out for a hiking every week end then suddenly i felt something peculiar the way we treat each other and i just felt-off that i'm in love with him and at the same time i discovered that i'm a gay.

at first i can't accept it because they say being gay is sin and i don't want to go hell.

i did hide my feelings for him for how many years until we reach college we both stay at the same dormitory and same room and everything happen, since there are no others in our room its just me and him i begun sleeping in his arms but he just let me. i even grab his hand and hold it and i did kiss him but still he has no violent reaction with what i'm doing.

is it a sign that he has feeling for me too? i really can't understand him.

i did confess everything to him and he replied "yuck' hehehehe.. i guess he is hiding something.

i guess he can't accept to himself that we're both the same but i understand him that way because both of our parents are strict. and here in our country gays are not totally accepted.

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Brandin

I think I've been gay for awhile. I've always been just a little on the girly side, but a lot was going on in my life at that time, so I never really had the time/interest to sit down and think the facts through. But, once I got over the small initial shock, I had nothing Against it.

My first open gay crush was a guy named L, at the RV/Beach Resort my family visits during most summers. I had my own golf cart, and it wasn't rare for me to go on drives lasting an hour or more, so I'd just head over to his camper and hang. We both knew there was something between us, and he accepted it. We dated for two years, till I was 15, when we both realised we were tired of being tied down. We broke it off last month, and he's still one of my best friends.

But, back to the story, I came out to my friends and selective family members at 14, and they were all very supportive. Point of the story: If you're afraid to come out, just tell your closest people. You're gonna have haters, but who the Hell doesn't? 

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Jay

My name is Jay and have been staying in australia for 4 years.

My curiosity about my sexual preferences begin when i was 15. I always wanted to have sex with man and at the same I'm attracted to woman. This mixed feeling has been going on for 6 years untill i came to australia and met some gay friends who share their stories and constantly giving me advise..

My mates told me that I'm bisexual, and I accepted it. Most of my mates knew that I'm bi and we are still hanging out now and then.

I have never intended to come out to my parents because they are very conservative nor my siblings because they look up to me and I dont want to dissapoint em, although i know that they will eventually find out.

My last relationship was a year ago. I had relationships with woman at first and man after that. I prefer straight/musculine-acting gay guys and attractive woman with personality. I have always dream of having a normal family with a woman and have kids and all that. But i know i cant unless I'm straight. The thing is I enjoy being bi and I dont see anything wrong as long as im honest to myself and to my partner. I'm not sure if coming out to my  family is necessary anymore, because in the end i'm the one who will decide how to live my life.

There is always someone out there who understand us, so we are not alone. The important thing is just be yourself and stay happy. :D

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Andrew

My name is Andrew, im 17 and i'm gay.

I first started to realise I was attracted to men when I was in year 9 at secondary school. For about 2 years I kept telling myself that it was just a phase and I tried to make myself attracted to girls which didn't work.

In my final year at school I was 100% positive that I was gay. It killed me every day knowing that I couldn't tell people or be myself. It was so horrible having to pretend to be attracted to girls when in reality I was finding men attractive. I knew I would never be able to change my sexuality.

I was so scared every day. I didn't know what to do. I thought I would be unhappy for the rest of my life and that my life was over. After school, I started college and a few months before I was due to finish my first year I told a very good friend of mine. She told me not to worry and that people would be shocked but eventually they would accept it. She said I should tell my parents but the thought of telling them terrified me. After that I told about 4 or 5 close friends.

Just before I finished my first year at college, I went to a party. I got very drunk at the party and when I got home I wasn't thinking straight. I told everyone I was gay over the internet. The next day was like hell, my parents found out and were furious.

However, I sat down with them and calmly talked to them about it. All of my friends accepted it and I had no trouble from any of them. My parents were very shocked at first but they told me they still loved me because being their son is all that matters. My parents arent mad anymore.

I've been out for a few months now and I had my very first boyfriend. It ended after a few weeks- but on good terms. My life has completly changed for the better now that people know. Now I am truly happy in life and i'm so excited because my life is finally moving forward.

I would advise everyone who is gay, lesbian, bi etc to come out because once you do, you will feel so much happier in life.

Good luck and have a happy life <3

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Silent One

When I was young, I didn't want to be a gay, but at the same time, I just didn't know how to get along with boys. I just didn't know how to relate with them. But when it comes to girls, I'm always very happy and it's like I can talk about anything. And I remember in my sixth grade, I liked boys in our classroom. Most of the time they believe I'm straight, some do have their doubts, but since I tend to hide my real self then everyone ends up believing i'm straight. I remember when I was in high school, miraculously, I had a friend. He was a guy. And I was surprised because we were having a good time talking with one another, not until I had a crush on him, after which he just stayed away from me. But when I moved to another high school and visited that high school a year later, I asked him and he told me he never really was mad at me for that.

Another thing I remember from high school was that, on my first year, I used to hang out with really straight guys. The sort of bullies in the campus, and I hang out with them since we enjoy computer games together. And I really liked one of them so much, that I really told him how I felt, and it ruined the entire group hahaha! Now I'm another place and whenever we recall it (since we're still quite connected in facebook), we just laugh ourselves out.

When I stepped into college, same thing happened. I liked this guy, and another one, and another one, all was kept secret except the first one who was kinda like the campus crush. Hey I forgot to mention I also liked girls, in fact some tease and match me up with some girls ahahahh.. I would love to have a family one day, when I get mature and stable already, but when I think of guys it's like I go crazy. During my third year in college I had a girlfriend. She's a wonderful woman, and when news spread out about the two of us having a relationship all the guys got really shocked. I loved her so much to the point I was willing to go to a certain university to teach just to be able to stay in the same city with her. However, I knew she knew and we even talked about my past when I used to like guys (and even during our relationship). She just accepted me, that's why I loved her so much. But later on, we got into sex so much we decided to break up because that was very much against our christian upbringing (we were going to the same church and I was the one who invited her to join that church).

When we broke up I really got messed up, and I think that's one reason I'm now who I am. I'm outwardly bi. I like girls and guys. But i'm more feminine than masculine. Sometimes when I meet those who knew me before, I tend to act masculine ahahah.. And now I'm working, I'm starting to like another guy whom I know he knows how I feel. I really didn't care if get anything in return, but I just don't wanna be hurt by him in any way, may it be with gay jokes or what. I told my mom, but my mom just told me she just don't know how to help me not to be a gay. However she never despised me for it.

Now i'm not into any relationship, but all I want is to be single. Maybe part of the reason is that I was badly hurt with my previous relationship. If ever I get another girlfriend, or a boyfriend(?), my point in having one is to get into a satisfying relationship, wherein I can express myself, and just love my partner and be loved for who I am. I've never been this me, and now I'm in the stage of accepting myself for who I am, because all of my life I really had a problem accepting my own imperfections. But now I'm better. Because I'm out.

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Duma

i am a 25 year old gay man living in South Africa. I will not come out 2 anyone. I have been called gay, fag, stabane, sophy, caroline, the list is endless, 4 as long as i can remember. So i believe that most people know who i am. 

I believe i am completely normal in my sexual feelings 4 other men.

I have religious friends who believe i am going 2 hell because i am a Lady Gaga fan. I don't care what they think about gay people. I keep them around because the are funny and i respect their honesty in religion. They keep me around because i am charitable. Symbiosis.

Most gay men i have met are feminine n i am not attracted 2 them. I am into the smelly type of men.

I am happy with who i am. I have met people who hate n have no respect 4 gay men. I've also met people who treated me with respect. U do not have 2 defend ur gayness 2 anyone.

The sad part of my story is that i have friends and family but i am still lonely because i respect that they are homophobic and religious so i  can't  say things like, '' Wow! I also think that guy is hot.''

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Jack

I'm 21 year old. that was the year i realize i am a gay. But i never told anybody because in our location, most people are christian and i used to be a good christian.

Inspite of being a gay i dont want to tell someone about my reality. But i have face many problems since i clarify myself.

I need a gay friend, someone to part with.. But i can't, since iam a christian and being a christian family, even i'm active in youth department. But something urge me from inside. I often wonder if Jesus forgive me or i am really guilty.

AVERT says: Coming to terms with your sexuality and deciding who you can tell can be really difficult. Read more on coming out and see our pages specially designed for gay and lesbian people.

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Joe

Well I suppose I was about 14, started thinking men were attractive, but I thought this was completely normal, it wasn't until later I found out and said wait a minute, i think about men, and I don't find women all that attractive at all.

I began hating myself, thinking I was wrong, that I was dirty in some way, and when i started watching pornography that feeling grew, id sit there after and cry over what id done.

I struggled with this hatred of myself for a long time, lashing out at jokes people made about being gay even though they were just jokes, no-one knew about what I was going through, they were just your average teenager jokes, but they stuck with me,

After a while I realised, I'm gay aren't I, I'm going to have to accept it or I will hate myself forever. and although it was difficult i resolved my complex feelings about being gay.

Its hard to cope with, especially when there's no gay people around you to talk to and discuss your feelings with.

Ive probably waffled on far too much, Im just saying what i remember of my time.

I remember coming out to friends, one still wont talk to me anymore but a friend who does that isn't a friend at all.

remember you are not alone, there's many people out there who will understand your feelings.

I still haven't told my parents yet, im still really nervous about that subject, but in public Everyone knows, because I'm proud of who I am.

<3 good luck everyone xxx and don't hate yourself. ever

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Ben

My name is Ben, and I'm gay.

I have told a few of my friends, so I am by no means open yet. I'm not afraid of how my peers at school would react, but I'm afraid of my parents reaction. 

Both of my parents have expressed to me how much they hate the idea of gay marriage, and that being gay is a sin.  I don't know what to believe.  The bible says that it is an abomination, but I don't want it to be.  Anyway, i have no idea if i should tell my parents; it would change everything between us. 

There's this one guy i like and I'm almost 100% sure that he's gay/bi, but i still don't know how to tell him.  I mean even if he is gay, i doubt that he would like me.  i loooooooove spending time with him; he always makes me smile.  I have never had my first kiss.  I feel so alone...

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Colby

im 16 and i am gay. i don't know how to tell a straight guy from a gay one. i came out when i was in 7th grade everyone new.

i have lost and i have gained few friends. most or should i say all of my friends are girls. i live in a redneck county. i hate it all of the guys here are rude and hatefull.

i go through hell everyday to live my life and to be happy.

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Wyatt

Hear me out, YOU are not alone.

I am twenty years old, studying at a decent college, about to get my life started and yet I'm still living a lie. You may wonder why I continue to put on this act, and often I ask myself the same question. Honestly, I think it is because I have become an expert at putting up walls and hiding my true self. I'm kind of proud of that fact, that no one knows my true identity. Makes me feel hero-esque in some way, and just like a hero I feel like I need to hide my identity to protect those that I love. In my case, my old-fashioned father who wants nothing more than the family legacy to continue, my beyond religious sister who is convinced homosexuals are a blight upon the world, and my overly proud grandparents who would expect 'better' of me. It almost seems that these walls are too thick, for even this masked hero to break through.

I've had relationships in the past, all with girls, and none truly getting too serious except for my most recent one. I've been getting little glimpses into my true sexuality since elementary school. I played with mostly girls during recess, but really had no attraction to them. Middle School gym classes became an extremely confusing time when the time to prove my masculinity as well as my adoration for guys with it nearly gave me a complex. Come High School, I was trying to join the 'tough crowd' and fit in, being everything against my nature. I had a girlfriend for three years and never made a move, because I was unsure and afraid of the truth. Then, I got myself a girl in college whom I (finally) got serious with and enjoyed it, but my curiosity still had me looking for guys. Sadly, I was learning to convince myself homosexuality was a bad thing, and even despise that part of myself. Sometimes I would even look for gay sexual acts on the internet, just to prove to myself I didn't like it. However, something kept me coming back to it. Now twenty years into my life, twenty years spent dedicated to building up walls and what am I left with?

Now I'm living alone in this box with walls six miles thick with hopes, dreams, and desires that I can not express nor share. It's liked I've locked myself up with my own kryptonite, and it's impossible to bear. Unfortunately, the life of a gay or bisexual guy is not a clear-cut path, but rather a confusing and stressful road. I'm proud for those that discovered this at an early age and unfortunately, like most gay or bisexual guys, I was in complete denial. However, recently I've started to chip away at those walls. The last girlfriend I had, I admitted to her that I was bisexual about one year into the relationship. It might sound awful, but it was too much of an adjustment for her and so I ended the relationship. I'm not mad, but rather relieved that I don't have to worry about that deep 'dark' secret. More importantly, I've opened up to a friend, who was accepting and it's like she's standing right beside me hammering away at those walls. I'm positive the next person I tell will also help me to rid of these walls I'm hiding behind and make it that much easier. 

I'm writing to plead you to not hide yourself, to not build up these walls. No harm can come to your loved ones from your homosexuality, and there is nothing to fear or hate about yourself. Enjoy it, embrace it, and express it to those around you. If you feel you have put yourself in the same situation, or simply need someone to talk to, email me. I know what you're going through, and even though I haven't broken through the final bit of my walls, maybe we can help each other do so!

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Vince M

It all started when I was 13 years old, when I was beginning to recovering from cancer. One week before my dad died I started to think I'm gay, I had no reason at all to think this. After my dad died I went to talk to my doctor and asked him for a counsellor and he told me he knew one. They all thought it was because of my father's death but it wasn't.

I started to have a few sessions with him every one week because it developed into an obsession. In fact, he diagnosed me with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and I do think he was right to this day because I want everything around me to be perfect. He prescribed me some medications and I admit, they did help me to calm down but the thoughts were still there. I was able to ignore them and continue a little bit with my life till I was 15. At this time of age I was considering suicide and for those of you who are reading this, I don't regret it at all.

I went to talk to my guidance counsellor at my school and she really helped me. I talked to her almost every day and she has become like my best friend. When I started to speak with her summer was around the corner and school was about to finish. I started to struggle with this obsession again and this time, I was able to talk with someone I could really enjoy talking to. Even though she told me I should give myself some time to see where things would go and that there is nothing wrong with being gay I still kept saying to myself that I didn't want to be gay.

This change altogether when one night, I was talking to a guy, who happened to be gay himself. I told him how I was feeling. I even told him that I couldn't see myself with another man, not kissing him nor sleeping with him. Then, he asked me this: "Could this be because you have never been around gays or perhaps because you were ever brought up thinking that even gay people can have a normal, successful life with a partner who they love and who he/she loves them back?" From that moment on I just knew I was gay.

After a few months, I came out to one of my sisters and also my mother. I have two other sisters but I never did come out to them (I don't really know why). I just told them to take me to a gay bar and they discovered I am gay on their own. However, I haven't told my brother yet. We don't get along that well and I just don't feel the time is right.

Anyway, so far everything is going well. I have found many people who have accepted me just as I am. Another thing, I am feeling a whole lot better now that I have accepted myself. And I'm not afraid to say it: I am a proud gay guy!

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Ten

Coming out has always been a taboo in Asia. In my community, it is thought of as a selfish act which will bring nothing but harm to the people around the person.

I decided to come out to some of the people around me because I wanted to live as myself, and I definitely had enough of making unnecessary lies. I made my final decision after reading a book, written by a gay rights activist O Young Wen Feng.

The coming out came more easily then I have thought. My friends were really cool and didn't really mind. If they did mind they were decent enough not to show it. Now I'm working on coming out to my family.

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George

Hello, my name is George. I am 16 years old and I am gay.
I realized I was gay when I was around 8/9 years old when I began to get butterflies around this other boy in my class
And I noticed I didnt get that feeling around girls.
However, even though I knew who I was.. I have never told anyone because as other people going through this know.
To be able to tell the people who mean the most to you, that your gay is the one thing I dread! I dont know how my family
Will react? How my friends will react?

Recently I have attempted to find a friend on Facebook who has similar love for my idol Lady GaGa ( who's fans have love
for the gay community). I intend to tell them that I am gay just to have that relief. To know what it feels like to be open with someone.
I highly recommend it to anyone because it is the most perfect/safest way to discover the feeling.

Thankyou x

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Doug

Hey guys,

I am a 19 year old college student going for my degree in Biology/Zoology.  My story can be rather perplexed and simple.  It's weird but as I type this it will be the first time to say that I am probably bisexual.  I never thought of myself as full blown gay because I do have a strong liking for women and I do hope to one day be married to a woman and have children of my own once I am out of college.

I've had many gay sexual encounters as a little boy and yes, my first gay sexual experience was probably as early as the age of 7.  It was with my friend who was the same age and I guess you can say we were experimenting or whatever.  This friend and I were having sexual encounters a lot all the way up until I was about 16 when he moved away.  We never had any "love" for each other, in fact we had sex so much that that's all our friendship was based on, sex.  I've had 3 sexual partners in my life, 2 being guys and 1 being a girl. 

My second partner was the guy who was my friend and who I thought was my best friend.  He and I are very masculine people and it was very surprising that I was able to do it with my best friend because he didn't strike as gay or bisexual at all and in fact he's the one that brought up the idea.  Our approach prior to having sex was weird because we tried to make sure that this would not damage our friendship at all.  He thought this encounter was experimenting, which it was for him, but obviously not for me.  Our friendship is not what it use to be now and it is basically a taboo to talk to him about what we did.  I thought that he could've been one of the only people that I could've talked to about this but he is clearly in denial about his sexuality too.  I am not involved with anyone currently and have not been in 2 years.

Anyway, I really can not see myself as being in a relationship with a guy and actually have no intention to.  I am in no way attracted to feminine guys, (no offense!), and if I am ever involved with a guy I'd like for him to be masculine.  I also have no intention on coming out and telling people I am bisexual.  Maybe I will when I get older and move away.  My goal is to have a best friend that I can talk to about any and everything.

I am glad that I am able to see some of the things that you guys are going through because it helped me to type this.  I have never told anyone about my story and no one knows about my past.  I want people that have possible similar stories to know that you are NOT alone! 

It is not easy for me to be this way because in my community there are a bunch of closed minded people that don't believe in there being a bisexual preference and they just see gay people as the stereotypical flamboyant person.

I plan on keeping my masculinity strong because I like it and I want people to know that gay/bisexual people are not what society sees them as.  We are people that are just the same as a heterosexual person that want equality and not to throw it in their faces or anything but I do believe that homosexuality has been out as long as heterosexuality has!  Thanks for reading!

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Anon

I am of 18 years of age and currently am a straight acting gay.

I am unaware if many other men/boys have experienced the same feelings as I have, none the less I want to express them by means of this site.

Situationally, I am finishing schooling in a all boys school in South Africa. I am priviliged to be in a country accepting of the gay community, and that I have an extremely accepting family.

As lucky as I seem to be I'm at a crossroads in my life. You see, I have no appeal to act like a lady or be feminine, infact I am exact opposite. I enjoy being a guy! I'm not sexually attracted to any of my friends and I enjoy going out with the guys. You see if I come out I am affraid of loosing touch with my friends and possibly my maculinity! I hope to some day find a loving partner, however I can only see myself with a masculine man who is not feminine. Its not that I have anything against 'feminine' gay men- I'm just NOT attracted to them. After researching this issue I have realised their aren't many gay men who are publicly gay and masculine, you see there's a tendancy for these masculine gay men to act straight or hide the fact that they gay.  

I find my issue unique and not many men speak of it. I just pray that one day, when I have come out(which I am planning on doing towards the end of this year), that I will, eventually when I'm older,be able to find a partner that also takes preference in masculine gay men.

I hope that any gay men/boys whom read this and are currently acting straight will find the courage and stability to come out and be known as a MAN that loves another MAN!

Hope it was an interesting read, much appreciated!

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