Chris

Hello my name is Chris, im 17 and heres how it all started, at the age of 7 or 8 my eldest brother molested me, i didn't know what it was at the time, with time the touching became regular and more frequent, when i realized something was up with the touching i tried to get away from him, but he'd make exuses to get me in the bedroom, sometimes focing me, soon after, my body started reacting and as time progressed i started liking it. at the age of 12 he stopped doing it. later i was confused, didn't know what i was feeling and didn't care much maybe thinking its normal, as i grew older i still liked girls and went out with some. then i discovered internet porn, later on i discovered gay internet porn. i liked what i saw and after every time of looking at it and after every boner the guilt and sense that im messed up flooded me. i'd stay up all night asking God and the universe why. i just wanted to be "normal". when the state of denail(of being gay) started ending coinciding with a guy in school calling me a fag i turned to alcohol, my grades in school suffered i lost most my friends.

I had some experience with blades and people at school called me emo, and i didn't mind thinking at least they dont think im gay. then i stopped the gay porn, and focused on all-girl porn if i ever had a thought about a guy i'd just ignore it and i thought i'd cure myself, maybe because i still got hard for girls, the hardest part wasnt the boners i got once in a while while i accidently looked at a guy underwear magazine but that annoying tingley feeling in my palms and fingers whenever i thought about a guy. it lasted six months, the denail, i couldnt lie to myself for more than that. i hated myself and sometimes id feel i have no reason for living .then i realized i can't live like that forever, i had to face what i am, so i looked striaght in the mirror(and it didn't work from the first time) and i said: your gay deal with it. didnt think it would help much, but it did. the shame decreased as i realized its not my fault and it's not something wrong, but i guess i kept hating that part of me since it seemed to me it was induced by my brother and that maybe it would have never happened, that maybe i could have been normal.

I heard the name calling, "fag" "gay"... in school and it hurt, even it was said as a joke and as many described it, the sinking feeling in ur stomach, that hollowness and ur heart racing always followed soon. recently i went out to a friend, one that doesn't live in the same country, but it helps. i sometimes feel this urge of coming out, but i just cant stand people treating diffrently because of it,and turns out i live around more homophobics than i thought, i can't stand the image of my mom crying, and my dad maybe bailing on me, i cant stand the confrontation with my brother who still lives in  the same house as me and still sleeps in the bed right above me.

Now im a happy person, cheerful and always laughing but i still have that hollow feeling when someone calls me gay. the thing is we're not always in control of our lives and fighting it only makes everything worse, and anyways theres nothing wrong with being gay, or bi in my case i guess. now i go out with girls and i met a guy recently but i guess it didnt work out. i guess a part of me still wishes i was straight and normal, but hey, normal doesnt exist, and thats what the world is about i guess, diversity.

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Alone

As far back as my memory permits, I have had feelings for males. I believe I am an unusual case, but the readers will have to judge that for themselves. Anyway, onward to the strange story of Alone, the "nickname" I have given myself.

I am an eighteen year old student about to go to college. Since I was very young I have had an unexplainable attraction to boys. When I was in first grade, I was approached by a boy named Rusty. He said, "Look" and whipped out his penis. Of course, to hide my inner feelings, I told him to stop and put it away. Later that night however, I masturbated (Yes, in FIRST GRADE) to the thought of his penis. At this point, I did not even understand the term "gay" and simply did not think about what I was doing. I just did it. I do not remember having any sense of identity at the time.

In fifth grade my true feelings began to arise. I was beginning my earliest phases of puberty, but I would get extremely aroused by the girls in my class. In the back of my mind, boys were also a slight form of arousal, but it seemed like a shallow feeling (as opposed to my fantastic, emotional response to girls). I became obsessed with a girl named Brandy. I saw her everyday at school and thought about her all the time. Occasionally, I would talk to her online. When my Mom told me to get off the computer I would cry because I had to leave her. I never talked to her in person though because I was far too shy. One day, her friend came to me and said, "You know, you sorta freak [Brandy] out. You stare at her at lunch and she thinks you're weird." Immediately, I ceased liking her. My feelings for her literally vanished, proving that it wasn't true love, but simple infatuation.
(The story gets a bit mature in the following paragraphs. Please stop reading if you are easily offended.)

In ninth grade, me and my cousin went to Florida on a trip with my grandparents and sister. One night when we were in bed, he said, "let's jack off together." As we started, he grabbed my penis and begin licking it. After about an hour, we ended. I still distinctly remember us saying, "We aren't gay. We're just desperate." After it was over, I told him we would never do it again, although a few years later we did ultimately do similar things. In that same year, I felt a strange attraction to a boy named Thomas. However, I moved about a month later. I still think Thomas is significant because it was the first time I had an emotional, not purely sexual, attraction to a male.

When I moved, I began going to a Christian school. The first day I went to this school, I saw a boy named Andrew walking in front of the gym building. He was short, blonde, and a year youger than me. I was amazingly attracted to him, but I was used to subconsciously telling myself, "Boys are cute and I think I like them, but I'll never get one and girls are better." I would NEVER call myself gay or bi. I could not even come out to myself. About five days into the school year, I met his brother and found that he lived in the same neighborhood as I. I immediately realized that this meant Andrew also lived in the neighborhood. Eventually, me and Andrew began hanging out. He was very touchy. He would frequently grab my hand, grab my arm, wrestle on his bed, tap my butt (playfully), and lay his body across me. Occasionally, he would hug me during sleep when we camped (when he thought I was sleeping), take pictures of me with his phone (when he thought I wasn't looking), and ask for a massage. Once when I was at his Mom's house (his parents were divorced) we woke up and he rolled into my bed and put his arm around me and stared at me. Always after moments like this he would hit me and begin wrestling. Once, we had to wake up early for church because his Dad ushered, so while we were sleeping in his Dad's truck, he reached over and felt my penis and immediately jumped back to the drivers seat (where he was "sleeping"), turned on the truck, and for no reason, moved it across the parking lot. I am still unsure why he did this. Many more things happened in the following year. After that year, I realized I was in love with him. I cried in the shower for him. I thought about him constantly. And he cared so much. He would always know when something was wrong and I believed he genuinly loved me. I finally realized I was "bisexual".

Eventually, I told him I about the feelings and all of the details. He said, "I already knew." I asked how and he said, "I could just tell. Little things you did." I asked him if he shared the feelings and he said, "No. Definitely not." I then started crying and left about fifteen minutes later. It freaked him out and we didn't hang out for a long time. After a few months, we began hanging out again and the feelings never ceased. However, most of the touching did. And we almost never wrestled. He would still rarely touch my arm or hand, but things changed. One day, he told me he realy liked my sister. This destroyed me. To make things worse, he dated her and all of the things he used to do to me (touching the arm, taking pictures, and a lot of other emotional things that I remember him doing with me.) He COMPLETELY stopped talking to me for about five months as an incredibly painful, depressing summer crept by. He broke up with my sister and I vowed never to talk to him again. Of course, after a painful surgery on my knee, while I was laying in bed recovering, he walked in unnannounced and told me he hadn't talked to me in a long time. We talked and I felt euphoric for the first time in a long time. But over the summer his appearance changed dramatically. He was taller, had developed very dark, coarse hair, his face changed, and he had relatively severe acne. I still loved him so much and the feeling is unexplainable, but I certainly noticed the changes. After another year, he began finally coping with my sexuality and occasionally asked questions about it.
As the seasons passed, his personality began changing with his appearance. Ultimately, though we still occasionally talk, my own feelings dwindled. I barely feel anything for him now, but I remember how he WAS and those feelings were real. I miss him more than anything. Not today's Andrew, but the Andrew I once knew and loved and cared for. The Andrew that shared those feelings. He opened the gates to realizing my true identity. I have felt the worst of feelings and scraped the sandy bottom of the deepest seas of depression. I have also felt the most amazing happiness I have ever felt. This is all because of Andrew, and I miss him and will never forget what he gave me.

Now, I have no emotional attachment to females. I have come out to a few of my friends, and they all seem to have taken it well. My family does not know. One day, I will tell everyone, when the time is right.

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Alex

Hi Im Alex and I am gay.
 
It all started with my next door neighbor back when we were 4 or 5. I had always liked him and we were good friends. One day I went over to his house, we were talking, went into his backyard and into his playhouse and played house. The next moment it just happened. Him and I wanted to experiment. So he took off his pants and we did it. From then on we would met at his house or my house. It happened for about a year. Not doing anything but doing each other. That was my first guy.

                My 2nd boy, was a good friend who went to the same school as I did. I went over to his house one day and I asked him can I? He said yes. Then whenever I went over to his house I would ask him. Every time I would spend the night. Blah blah blah.

                My 3rd boy, was another next door neighbor. This one only happened for about a day. My two neighbors and I went into my garage and did a little dare double dare thing. No truth. So my first neighbors sister came over and wanted to join. We said you gotta show your ass. She went home and told her mom. He got in trouble. The next day THEY MOVED. OMG

                My 4th boy, was a friend. By then I knew I was gay and nothing could change me. But the only pissy thing about this guy was he had a TINY one.  So it wasnt fun at all. We had a really good relationship for about 2 years. Then he moved away.

                My 5th boy, was another friend. This guy was black. He was sooooooooo freakin HOT. He would come over after school and we would do things. This only happened for about 3 weeks. Then he moved away as well. I know by now your saying OMG he is a dirty hor.  But I dont care b/c only one of these wasnt fun.

                I came out of the closet when I was 15. I told my mom first, and of course she was ok with it, but she said be careful. But telling my dad and my brother now that was one of the biggest mistakes I could have ever done.

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Donnie

Hi, I'm Donnie. Im 16 years old and i live in Minnesota. I am gay.

Ive known since i was 9 but my mom says shes known since i could talk. i went through school just fine i was noone and thats the way i liked it i had a lot of friends from kindergarten to 5th grade. the elementry school i went to taught us to be nice and careing and we all were. then in middle school wich in this district is 5th, 6th and 7th grade was bad i lost my best friend in 5th grade cause i wasnt kool enough and that hurt. then in 6th grade i became best friends with a guy named nick. and everyone started calling us gay and it just about ruined our lives then we became more distant when the new girl in 7th garde, katie, and i became best friends.

i had already started smoking in 5th grade but after katie and i were friends for a while i started smoking pot, drinking, shooting heroine, smoking and snorting cocaine, cutting, and sleeping with a lot and i mean A LOT of girls and almost got one pregnant. then i accepted that im gay. stopped doing heroine and cocaine but kept drinking and smoking pot and cigarettes.

then in 8th grade my first year of high school katie moved and nick and i regrew our bond. we started fooling around not kissing or actual sex he did mutual j/o and b/j's for a while. but then we started haveing actual sex and making out all the time he said he was just horny but not gay at all and he had a girlfriend but he knew i was gay. then on day i worked up the guts to tell him i love him and want to be with him and i was willing to keep it a secret and he could stay with his girlfriend. but he shot me down so i went drinking.

at a party i met a guy named christian he was 16, i was 13 and we quickly became closer than i had ever been with anybody i loved him and i thought he loved me but he was just on a rebound and after 6 months he ended it. then about a month later i met Mark he was 23 and i was still 14 but that didnt matter to either of us we kept it a seceret cause we didnt want him to get in trouble. we were together for almost a year and engaged when he left me for a nasty russian.

then i was single and kind of a slut intill i was 16 and then i met Jake. he is 17 tall sweet (or so i thought) a butch gay and a bottom. everything i was looking for in a boyfriend we were together for a week before he hit me, and as they say, hit me once shame on you, hit me twice shame on me. he only hit me once and i broke it off. then i told my friend christine and she went, with her boyfriend, and kicked his ass. i didnt ask her to and i didnt want her to but he should have made sure i didnt have violent friends before he hit me.

now ive been single for over 2 months ad i really wish i wasnt but whatever i have two great friends and a great family so even thought ive gone through a lot more than any kid should in just 5 years im happy and i look forward to meeting my mr. right. and to all the gay teens out there going through some bad stuff it gets better. life is like and obstacle course and alls you can do is hope you can make it over the obstacles and end up ok i love you all even though i dont know many of you.

AVERT has sources of help for gay people and links to organisations for support if you are going through similar issues and need someone to talk to.

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Jon

Hi my name's Jon. I think I am a little weird. I'm 16 and I love people because of who they are not what gender they are. I can be attracted to either really. I have had girlfriends before but right now I'm in love with a man for what kind of a person he is.

I always knew I was a little different. I didn't just look at girls I looked at boys too. The teasing started early. It was in third grade that I was first called gay which at the time I did not know what that meant. I learned after a few years up until 8th grade by being tormented by the same person everyday. It's wasn't teasing anymore, I felt bad about myself and I felt like I wasn't good enough for the world. I was just a kid trying to be Friends with everyone I knew. I just thought that being nice to people more than they are nice to you would work. For some it didn't.

The first actual encounter I had was on a school chorus trip where there were two gay guys singing. One of them I had been asking me if I was gay it was the same answer as the rest of the years. No I'm not. Well one day we were in the hotel room and he was asking me questions and I just walked over and kissed him. We've been going out for a year. Sometimes sad stories don't always have a sad ending. No one else knows I'm pan-sexual as I call it. No one might ever again.

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John

I realized I was gay when I was around eleven. I didn't  come to terms with it until I was 14, I came out earlier this year even though I didn't really need a coming out experience.

Everyone already called me gay, the only people I need to come out to was my family. I've been called gay since  I was very young, by everyone kids at school, family, and  even some friends (I thought they were friends). I never really had a problem with it, it was just the whole what will people think of me. When I finally told someone it was to my best friend which I was in love with at the time and had been in love with for a long time.

He told me that he was also gay and that he liked me a lot. It was kinda perfect until he got hit by a drunk driver, worst day of my life. I haven't fully gotten over him nd doubt that I will. He was my everything and I loved him more than air, and was also my best friend. It was like two lost in one. I came out to friends, then my siblings, then finally to my mom. She loves me the same and supports baby envy, since then I only dated 1 person. I'm still with that person, ill always love andre he'll always have a place in my heart.

But being gay is not a choice its an attraction. I doubt any person would want to be a social outcast on purpose. I don't choose to like boys I just do. Being gay is beautiful, don't feel any less of a person be proud. Hey at fifteen all you can do is be happy. I'm fifteen gay and loving life. Gay is my way and I'm happy.

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Xan

Hi, I want to tell my story because I don’t know if anyone’s been through anything like me.

I knew I was different from the early age of 4, I said the most stupid thing which at the time I can laugh about now, just so you know I’m a mixed race black guy living in London, my parents are VERY religious Catholics, my dad is a Irish catholic and my mum is a half Canadian half Jamaican roman catholic. So that’s my folks. I’m a Virgo and my earliest memory was telling my mum that “I’m a girl” obviously I was referring to my star sign but she didn’t understand what I was talking about. She beat me with the wooden spoon and sent me to bed with the bible and her treasury beads.

Primary school didn’t get any better, I was sent to a catholic boarding school in Ireland for 7 years I didn’t spend the whole 12 or years instead I was sent to a public school. I thought I was on the mend you know being in a school where there were boys and girls. I moved back to London in 2001 ... that’s where the trouble started I wasn’t fixed in fact I was 10x worse, I mixed in with a “invisible” bad gang now don’t get me wrong, they were well behaved in class and school it was outside we drank and did things I normally wouldn’t do. I had sex with a girl... well attempted to but couldn’t get it up (she’s now my best friend who knows) we started to crash random party’s that’s where we met some boys who were both at least in the late teens (I was about 13/14) we met them on various occasions since they could legally buy booze.

When me and the gang went to the new years eve festivities  in London we got totally drunk and separated, I walked off with the crowd and I basically was raped by 2 maybe 3 guys. I didn’t report it and I thought there wouldn’t be a case. That’s when I started cutting myself, it helped... it made me... well it made me feel something.

I was drinking whole bottles of vodka, rum, red square, stone ginger wine, etc with my sophisticated friends (17 to 20) and we would go to Hyde Park and drink till we run-out of booze then we would go home. I want to stop I really do but I can’t and every time something get to me I start again, I’m the sort of person who keeps their feelings inside. I don’t like to show my anger; everything about me is hidden away. I know all this drinking is killing me and I know it’s bad but it’s better than my suicide attempt and self harm.

The fact that I hate my mother, In fact I hate her so much I would like to kill her. (Although I would NEVER do something like that!!) You’re probably wondering why? Well a few years ago I think it was 2005 she stole over £1000 from my dad and told him it was me. Because she found out that I was gay, and she wanted to punish me for my sins. My dad didn't mind that the money was gone but it's the fact that she blamed it on me.

I’m 19 now and I’ve finally moved out from under their wing... got a nice flat in Edinburgh. Maybe now I can have a real relationship.  Oh just in case you were wondering. Yes I told them, and my dad had a heart attack I was disowned but they allowed me to live with them as a rent paying tenant. My dog “got run over” by a passer-by.. I know they murdered my dog.

When I left I stabbed the bible... I know it was wrong but at the time it felt like a good thing to do.

AVERT was really sorry to hear of Xan and his experiences. We have suggested he seeks counseling to deal with these feelings. Our help page has information about helplines for rape victims and people suffering depression.

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Matthew

Hi. my name is Matthew. i am gay. i don't know why but i don't care.

i have a boyfriend. his name is hunter. i am 13 yrs old. i found out i was gay when me and hunter experimented with each other last year. he came over and we went to the hottub and he said "do u think i am gay" and i said "maybe we should find out" and from there we started kissing. it felt awsome. next thing i know we are in my room rubbing each other. it felt soooo good.

he is the coolest guy in the whole world. he comes over alot and we makeout and stuff. i wish i could tell every one but my parents are probley the most homophobic people in the world. one day i will tell them but not soon. i love hunter and he loves me.

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Teacher

I am amazed at the stories of young gay people and their struggles to be themselves as I have had to struggle my whole life as well just to be accepted for who I am... a gay male.  I was a public elementary school teacher  at the fourth grade level and I had spies everywhere!  I had staff calling my home to see who or if anyone was staying with me.  I had all kinds of insinuations made about not having a girlfriend.  A number of the straight staff were embroiled in their own little "Peyton Place" of sexual misconduct..but they got away with it!!!  I am so pleased to have come across this site.  It can be helpful to older people as well as youth.  Keep writing and sharing.  Thank you.

Read more about other young men talking about their experiences of being gay at school.

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Ryan

I'm Ryan, 17 and bisexual. I first realized I was bi since... pretty much forever. I always knew that I was attracted to girls, but I sort of didn't want people to know that I liked boys too. I always wondered when looking at a female model or something, "I like this, but what about guy models? Do other boys like them too?" I wondered if people liked both genders too or if it was just me.

My mom is a lesbian, so I never had a problem being bisexual, it was just kind of odd because I knew some people like boys and some liked girls, but what about both? When I was younger, from like ages 4-6, I always had little crushes on boys and girls, but only told people about my crushes on girls because they might think I was weird (but now I LOVE being weird).

From kindergarden to elemantary school, I wasn't really homophobic. My friends were, but if they said something like, "That's gay", I would reply with, "Don't say that. That's not cool". And the very mature friends I had replied with "You're gay". It was freakin' annoying. In middle school was when I slowly started letting people know that I was bi. I was an odd kid, so I always made sexual jokes about both genders, which confused people and made them laugh.

When I was about 13 was when people started discussing sex and stuff like that and it somehow came up in discussion about bisexuality and a friend of mine said, "Hey, Ryan's bi, aren't you?", and I said yeah. That was the first time I actually said I was bi, but it was always implied. When I got my first myspace, later on, I put "Bi" under my orientation, so I guess that was when I actually came out.

When I was 16 in high school, I joined the Gay-Straight Alliance (which I later left because we never did anything) and it was pretty cool even though most of the people there were straight friends of gay people. Now, I have a lot of gay and bi friends and straight ones too. I think a lot of my straight friends don't know if I'm bi, which I don't care because it doesn't matter.

My mother never assumed that I was straight, so I never actually came out to her, nor did I have to, because I think she thinks I'm gay because she thinks bisexuals are just gay, which is kind of a judgemental thing to say for a gay person. I've had crushes on boys and girls at the same time and currently do. Anyway, no one I know has a problem with me being bi and they shouldn't.

My mom is proof that gay people can be parents because I never felt guilty or bad about liking people of the same gender. I've always felt normal, in a sense. So be gay, or bi, or straight or whatever you are, and be happy. OR ELSE!

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Sam

Hi, my name is Sam.

I am 19 years old and live in New Zealand. I first realised I was gay when I was 10 years old. Inside I knew it wasn't a phase. Girls were of no interest to me at all. All through primary school I kept my feelings to myself.

When I started high school, my feelings for guys were becoming more pronounced. I would join gay chat rooms and forums to meet other guys and exchange email addresses. I knew the dangers of talking to people online and I even met a few knowing full well it was dangerous. In my second to last year of high school I somehow landed myself a girlfriend. Being with her made me realise wholly that I was gay. Being with her depressed me to the point where I contemplated and in some cases attempted suicide. It wasn't the girls fault. I was supressing my feelings and emotions to the point where I wanted it all to stop.

I was fairly popular at school up until the point where I came out to my parents in a letter. They were extremely supportive of my decision and revealed to me they knew I was gay. I summoned the courage to put it on my Bebo page and referred other members of my family there so they could find out.

Coming out was the hardest thing I ever had to do in High School. It also showed me who my real friends were. I lost several apparent friends, but the friends who stuck by me, supported me and protected me from abuse will always be forever loved in my heart.

When I moved away from home, I met a guy who I thought was perfect for me. How wrong was I? He abused me physically and verbally and cheated on me with other guys on a regular basis. When I finally reached the end of my tether, I left him. I was unhappy for a while, wondering what I did wrong to make him behave like that.

It wasn’t until I met another guy at tech that I finally discovered true happiness. After a tentative first meeting an a lot of txting each other, we stayed together. Its been over a year now and we are still going strong. In the process I have made friends for life and discovered that love isn't finding the perfect person. Its finding perfection in an imperfect person.

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Ronald

Hi my name is Ronald i'm 14 i live in Columbia mo i'm african american and im gay. I have 3 bi friends and 1 gay the rest are straight  my gay friend hates bi's because he had two bi boyfriends. I came out  to my mom and grandma in november. 

The way people at my school think just cause i look straight makes me straight and most of my friends have come out to me and ive come out to them were happy to be homosexuals. Alex sanchez is my hero because by me reading the rainbow books i sumed up the courage to come out my gay friend.

Hes like all ways out about him being gay and he ask me why im not proud to be gay. I tell him get it through your hard head im proud to be gay but im not like you, im not all open about it quite yet. Even though ive come out to you guys and 2 family members doesnt mean im ready for every one to know. So there you have it a little bit about me. 

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Brett

Hi my name is Brett.

I live in New Zealand, pretty much at the bottom of the south island. Im 19 years of age and have know i was gay since i was probably about 11. I knew what it was but i didnt want to admit it. The first sign was when i was online and came across something with naked guys on it and it turned me on, i just tried to put it down to just being a phase.

A couple of years went by when i started noticing the guys at school, up until then i had girlfriends. At that point i would have been about 13 and things started going downhill at school. I couldnt concentrate and just didnt want to be there anymore incase someone found out, it got so bad that i even tried suicide. At home i wouldnt talk to my parents much even though i feel now that i have the most supportive parents in the world, i would just hide out in my room on the computer talking to guys.

Most the guys that i talked to online were pretty genuine guys, they helped me out alot with dealing with what i was going through. About a year later when i was 14 i decided i wanted to try something and met a guy. It was alright, we didnt have sex or anything it was mainly just kissing, but i ended up wishing i hadnt done it and hated myself even more, i know i should have waited till i met someone i really liked and trusted but i wanted it now!

At the end of that year i decided i couldnt live the way i was and i had to tell someone before i done some serious harm to myself, i told my close friends at school and to my suprise they were all fine with it. i didnt lose any friends and i started to get happier. This was in the school holidays though and it all went downhill once we went back to school. More and more people started to find out. I was a pretty popular guy at school mainly coz of the crowd i hung out with but there was still a group of guys that tried to make my life hell. After putting up with this for a year and felling myself fall into a spiral of depression i decided i couldnt handle it anymore and changed school.

Once at the new school i didnt tell anyone i was gay, i didnt really see the point as i came out at my old school and if anyone asked i didnt deny it.I managed to make some friends because there were some people there that i worked with anyway. One day my friends hooked me up with a guy, We dated for a couple of months and met up most weekends. Then we decided to try sex, i wish i had have waited because we didnt even really have a good place to do it and found where ever was conveniant. At the time i thought it was good and just went with it, then he broke my heart.

We broke up but i managed to get over it pretty fast, i met a few more guys after that but it never lasted very long. After i finished school i started a course at tech and met this really cute guy. We finally ended up boyfriends, i dropped out of course and got a full time job and a year later we are still together. I couldnt be happier.

Now i have made the best friends in the world, have a great job, couldnt wish for a better boyfriend and my life is alot better. All i can say is dont let the small stuff get you down, do what ever makes you happy.

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Proud

Most people realize their gay when their quite young so I guess that makes me different from the start. I found out I was gay when I developed feelings for a boy in Primary School when I was 11. I felt guilty because he was my best friend and had been for so long. At the end of our final year most of my friends went to the local secondary school but my dad thinks its rubbish, therefore I ended up going to boarding school about twenty miles from where I live.

At my new school I hid my feelings especially with so many other cute boys in my year but I respected their privacy so I didn't watch when they were getting dressed etc. I invited over three friends to my house after my party including the boy from primary school. We ended up playing dares until I gave one of the boys from my school- Sam- A blowjob. I tried to pretend I hated it but my old best friend from primary knew otherwise. When the others were asleep I confessed that I had feelings from him. Later that year he left the area and moved to Spain.

A year passed and I tried to hide my feelings. I should explain at this point that my dad is extremely homophobic and would literally, and I mean literally, kill me if I came out to my family. I always have top behave at school because he uses any excuse as an excuse for punishment, sometimes more severe than others. Also a lot of the kids in my year have been socially conditioned to hate gays by their parents and would feel uncomfortable living with me if they knew. I tried to come out to a friend but he thought I was joking. Anyway back on subject. A year afterwards I invited Sam over. At first I thought he'd forgotten but the next day he admitted he remembered and that he was gay too. We experimented in the boarding house sometimes but never went the full way.

Our relationship fell apart when he got a girlfriend and I felt more alone than ever. I made up girlfriends and how far I'd gone with them, hating myself for having to lie and fearful of what would happen if I did. I often cried myself to sleep and started dreaming of what my dad would do to me if he ever found out. My mental stability went down quite quickly and I became depressed and withdrawn. Around this time a day girl (not a boarder) had an incident with her boyfriend and problems with her family. Its not my story to tell but she was sexually, verbally and physically abused and is now on the child protection list. We leant on each other, grew closer and I started to feel better about myself. My grades picked back up again until I was literally the smartest kid in my year. I have learned to accept who I am and I know that I will come out when I'm ready. My best friends are now a group of day girls who I know would understand if I told them. I'm now in my third year at senior school and starting some G.C.S.Es way ahead of the other kids in my year. I'm happy with myself and music has become an irreplaceable part of my life. I like to express my feelings through songwriting and most people think its girls I sing about. I am proud of who I am and know that my life is perfect just the way it is.

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Paul

Hi I’m Paul

I’m 28 and live on the North Island of New Zealand where I stay on the south side of Auckland. I’ve always known that I was gay ever since I was able to walk and talk, and coming out at the age of 12 wasn’t easy.

My mother found out about me being gay when I came home from school where she noticed my neck covered in love bites. This was living proof that I was intimate with someone which left my mother assuming I got some girl pregnant. She demanded I tell her the name and I argued she could not handle the truth. Still yelling in rage and disappointment my mother then began to guess who I got with. My mother asked for it, I told her that it wasn’t a girl but it was a boy. Then the whole story came out where I was seeing some guy from school.

She began to lecture me on how the Samoan culture is strict and with us being Mormon is unacceptable in our church religion and how I’m only 12 years old and I’ll have trouble making friends. She found it stressful not knowing where she went wrong in raising me. She never really understood me until now. It was out of her control to help who I was for I’ve done things that my mother is not aware of which is best kept behind close doors. As the years went by I became more open towards my mother and shared my heart aches. She had her moments where she thought I would be much happier if I was to date girls. Then I said may be she’ll be much happier if she married a man her own age. I had to defend my self and I was famous for having quick come backs. My mother gained interest to what I was on about and then accepted who I was. I was her child with feelings; no different to her feeling for my dad. My dad never had anything against me because he knew when the time comes I’ll be there to look after him when he gets old. He was right.

I started at a very young age experiencing my sexuality with out being molested or any kind of abuse that people think it’s the reason why people turn gay.  With my Mormon religion, where my learning and questioning began, I thought if being gay is wrong then why is word gay in children’s story books and fairy tales? Why is the definition of the word gay meaning something beautiful and being striped from its purpose? I’ve known to understand that God did create Adam and Eve but he also provided us with free will, so here I am taking advantage of it and enjoying the choices I get to make and being gay wasn’t one of them. I didn’t choose to be gay for my attraction towards the same sex came naturally but it was the choice whether or not I should come out or the choice to live in fear or live in denial. I chose to be happy with my self and made sure no one bought me down.

Going to church made me realize that it can only extend up to the last living prophet who wrote in it, providing guide lines from what those days bought and a history of what they went through. By then my beliefs evolved to my next question “If being gay is wrong then why am I so blessed?” I have a good job, my family adores me more, I have great friends that stuck by me since I was 5 years old and still manage to make more. If God agreed that being gay is wrong he wouldn’t have blessed me with such amazing talents where I can dance and sing, I can design clothes and I give excellent advice to those who ask and many more. I get to use my gift to speak two languages English and Samoan and the majority of people who have this ability can speak more than just one and some of them happened to be happily gay as well so they’re blessed to. I speak in a way where my questions have to be searched for answers, the ability to speak in order to change minds from what was negative to providing paths on the positive point of view. God is forgiving and has blessed me in every way where I can express my gayness (which also means to be happy) through dance, through speech, through my job, and how I improve people's self esteem.

People may say once you go gay it’ll be too late to go back to the right way. I find that saying pathetic how can it be too late if you weren’t that way in the first place? I mean the right way is being totally honest with your self. Some percent of men loose there wives to other woman and some percent of women loose there husbands to other men, this isn’t their fault, for its human nature and we do make mistakes, so what if we were honest with our selves and if people weren’t afraid of what others think may be things would have been different? People are not machines that you can switch on or off for this is human nature; we control our selves which is why we have free agency and its free will. It’s up to you how you live your life and no one has that right to tell what you how you should live it. We are responsible for our own actions. There will come a time where we get judge in front of God. God will be looking at each and everyone’s file and there is no use barking on someone else’s sins or life style when God looks down on you and you alone. Then they would have to think to them selves, what have I done to please him? Who have I helped to gain my ticket to enter God’s kingdom? What have I sacrificed to become one of the God’s angles?

Gay people have a lot going for them and those who keep bringing us down miss out. It may be what the religion that says being gay is not the way but it also says not to judge and to treat thy neighbour as thy self so who’s obeying who and who’s really hurting who? My opinion on gay people, are the ones who found someone to bond with in a way they can’t bond with any one else, someone who they found to relate to and open up to.

Everyone is different and it’s out of our control who people wish to communicate with and how they choose to express them selves should really be up to them again it’s free will. It does take two to tangle and if both parties feel the same way about each other then taking it to the next level shouldn’t be any ones concern but there’s. Those who disagree can continue to do so because they are one’s who are miserable by frowning at what we do when we smile all the way. My opinion is that people are people and we deserve to be respected just like everyone else. I dream to wait for that day to come for my love is out there some where and I’ll be much happier to take his hand in marriage. No shame about that.

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Michael

I would like to start by introducing myself; my name is Michael. I am 23 years old and I live in a small New Jersey town in the shadows of New York City. I came out as being openly gay at the age of 15. At the time I considered this to be a great idea. I found myself at the center of controversy at every corner ever since. I was a very popular student and phenomenal athlete throughout grammar school and part of High School.

The moment I was open with myself about who I was and what I liked everything crashed between my friends and I. All the guys I used to hang out with all my life now decided to ostracize me. I knew all these boys for about ten years at that point we had went to Pre- Kindergarten together. They refused to play basketball with me. They refused to pass me the ball and allow me to be part of the team. Every day walking through the hallways of Bayonne High School I was called Faggot. I was beaten up a few times by groups of boys that were former friends. Every day became a struggle for me to remain in school. I was not doing very well in school I was barely passing my subjects. It became hard for me to thrive in an environment that I was fearful in.

Then one day I was running in the park to keep in shape and a group of older boys grabbed me pulled me into the park beat me up and took turns forcing intercourse on me. I was scared to say anything fearing for my life. I remember being told if I opened my mouth to anyone they would find me and hurt me even worse. When I returned to school the same group of boys were attending the same High School as I was. Every day they mocked and tormented me. I could not handle it anymore and I broke down and had a nervous breakdown concerned for my life. I had to go to the juvenile detective bureau and make a report about what had happened. I was hysterically crying recounting what had happened. The best the police told me was that they would investigate my claim and would most likely not be able to do anything because i came to them too late. Nothing was ever done and my attackers were never brought to justice.  

The rest of my years in High School I spent in solitude. I had no friends in school or around my block. The irony of this is that we live about 7 miles outside New York City yet they behave like we are middle america right wing extremists.  The faculty and administration of the school really did not bother to protect me. Had it been a racially motivated attack more would have been done on my behalf.

Lets fast forward to 3 years later senior year. It would have been easy for me to give up and just drop out of school. I fought every day to get the same right of an education as to so called normal heterosexual students. Every day up until my last day in that institution I heard the word Faggot. Towards the end it just did not matter anymore and I was actually able to laugh it off. I walked out of there with my head held up high and headed off to university. I was inspired to go into the teaching profession. I wanted to be able to make a difference and reach the student's like me that go unnoticed and are often forgot about. I graduated with honors from St.  Peter's college. It seemed as if I was past the stage of discrimination for being me. I was shocked to know that it was just about to begin again.

During my student teaching practicum the same nonsense started up again. I was dealing with a homophobic faculty and administration running the school. They treated me like I was teaching 1st grade for some sick purpose. They would often shoot me dirty looks no matter where I was in the building. It is amazing how people stereotype homosexual males pedophiles. What they fail to realize is statistics are on my side most child predators are "Heterosexual males." Another "straight male" music teacher in the school started driving me home every day. During our drives he would make advances towards me. I had told him I was not comfortable with his advances. I told my cooperating teacher about it and she mentioned it to him to leave me alone.  

A few days later I was called into the principals office. She proceeds to get into my face and confront me. She asks me "Do you have anything to say about anyone in this room?" I replied with a simple " No I do not have anything to say." She continues to yell and scream at me about making up stories on the man making advances on me. I get yelled at saying that she can call the cops n me for sexual harassment. At this point I really did not understand what was going on. Then she continues to discipline me in front of 4 teachers including this man. She told me that I am out of her building and that this will follow me where ever I go and she will ensure I never get a job. Here I am two years later still applying to get my job as a teacher. It is interesting how far they will let me get in the process. I can make it to the highly recommended hiring list. But then I am punished for being a feminine gay male.

I would never take back coming out and being me. I am proud to be me but I am angry I am being punished for what i can not help. I did not choose to be gay there wasn't a moment where I said I wanted to be the center of controversy for the rest of my life it just happened. But I know things may never change for me and I will continue to be passed up for my chance to teach. But i will always fight and keep reapplying until I do get in.

For information on helplines and support visit our resources for those who are lesbian, gay, bisexual or unsure page

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