My fiancé

Hi I am a 21 year old female from the New Haven, CT and it's not me who has HIV, I've been dating a guy for three years now, and he is HIV positive. Today we are engaged and I am still happy with him. In the begining of our relationship, I didn't notice anything different about him, he just looked plain normal to me. I always knew that you couldn't tell a person has HIV just by looking at them, but still, I just though nothing of it. it nver crossed my mind. We've always used condoms and after a while, I started to get suspicious. I had no idea why we was using condoms for if we new each other well, and wans't dealing with anyone else. Comes to find out, I didn't know him too well. I always asked him why and I always asked about having a baby, and he always avioded the question, still I didn't know why.

A year passed and he started acting real funny towards me. he was trying to get me to break up with him for stupid things. I guess he didn't really know how to tell me what was really going on with him. I wasn't letting go that easy. After a while, I guess he got tired of hiding it from me, so one day we took a ride to place where we always went to get away, and he told me the reason why he didn't want to have kids was because he was HIV positive. I cried so hard in the car. I didn't even want him to touch me. I was so scared. All I can think about was "Wow, after being with this man for a year, he tells me something like this?" I didn't know what to say to him. I just cried cause then I started thinking that I had it. After I done cried alot, I just looked him in the eye and said "Baby, I'm gonna be right here for you, I'm not leaving you."

I was so scared to get tested, it took me a whole year to do. luckily it came back negative and three years later......we're still together. I love him sooooooo much. Men, Women.... if you are or think you HIV positive, don't be scared to get tested cause it's only right that you know so that you can protect yourself and whoever around you. Don't be afraid to tell your partner, cause whether they want to be with you or not, you're gonna stand strong and still be all that you can be. You are no different from other people and you deserve to be treated with the same love and respect as everyone else.

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Lindsay

My name is Lindsay and I'm 19 years old from western New York. I came from a loving family- mother, father, 2 sisters and a dog.My father was a hardworking, heavy set man that smoked cigars and listened to country music and loved his kids. In 1994, my father suddenly fell ill. While at work one day he lost his balance on a ladder and fell. Being, the stubborn, "manly-man" that he prided himself upon, he hesitated to go to the doctor right away. Over the next couple days, he became sicker. It seemed like he had the flu. My mother, getting on his case, scheduled an appointment for him to go to the doctor. Initially, the doctor said he had the pneumonia, drink fluids and rest. Although his flu-like symptoms did go away over the next week or so, he didn't feel any better and began losing a drastic amount of weight. His doctor then ran every blood test known to man. When the results came back, that perfect family shattered. My father was HIV positive. My mother shunned him and began working nights. I suppose that was her way of coping. My father hit one of the lowest points of his life, even becoming suicidal. Ultimately, their 14 year marriage ended in divorce and a bitter custody battle.

He left Easter Sunday. Having 3 young children, at that point we didn't fully understand the situation at hand. My father got his own place, my older sister lived with him and my younger sister and I stayed with my mother, visiting him on weekends and whenever we had time off from school. He started medication, to build his immune system and finally began to smile again. Living with HIV/AIDS is possible. My father proved that. Although he was no longer able to work due to medication and other things. He still did the things he enjoyed. He restored a 1972 tow truck,  started up a little business towing cars. He spent time with his kids, fishing, camping, shopping (until then, he hated shopping), attended school events, spent time at his friends garage helping them repair cars, drank plenty of Mountain Dew and still smoked cigars. He was very aware of his mortality but vowed to live life every day like it was his last and make the most of it. And he did just that. He attended meetings/support groups where he was able to talk about life and what it throws at you with people that really understood first hand how he felt. My father, who initially was ashamed of having AIDS, became accepting. He never hid the fact that he did have AIDS. He was always more than willing to discuss it. And to his surprise, most didn't turn their backs. They wanted to know. Generally, people thirst for knowledge. It can save your life.

Even though his spirit couldn't be broken, his health was still an issue. My father  got bronchitis. His doctor immediately put him on antibiotics and his symptoms were minimal until he started developing a horrible rash. It was a Friday night, my sisters and I were at his house watching movies, eating popcorn, having fun. He noticed that he was breaking out with a rash. So we start talking about what hes been using; laundry detergent, bar soap, moisturizers etc. Nothing was out of the norm. Sunday morning, he woke up to go to the bathroom in terrible pain. (which was not unusual. He suffered for rheumatoid arthritis also and by morning his pain medication had wore off) He got up, took a couple steps and then looked behind him. As gruesome as this sounds. The bottoms of his feet had basically sloughed off of his body and onto the carpet. Not knowing what else to do, we called 911 while he wrapped his raw feet up. He was brought to the emergency department and treated as a burn patient. Over the next couple days, all his skin had basically fallen off of his body. He didn't look human anymore. Doctors diagnosed him with a severe case of Stevens-Johnson Syndrome, better known as TENS. Ifs a severe allergic reaction, in his case to the antibiotic that he was on.  Doctors decided to put him in an induced coma because the pain was intolerable and it would reduce movement until his skin regenerated and healed. My father was a fighter. Over the next month, his skin healed. He regained consciousness. He was then moved to rehabilitation facility. A miracle, some may say. He recovered. Learned how to walk again, talk again- basically learned entirely how to function again in hopes of living a normal life.

Again he was back at it, working on cars, smoking his cigars and back being the best father his body could permit him to be. The only complaint I ever heard from him was "My skins to damn soft. This is not a man's skin." By 2001, Stevens-Johnsons Syndrome was a  meir memory, just  another obstacle he had overcome. Life became normal again. My father continued taking medications, even volunteering to be a guinea pig and trying new medications not knowing what the effects could be.

I talked to my father on a Friday night. He was telling me about some car he was working on. I don't know much about cars to this day, so I just pretended like I could relate. Saturday at about noon, I got a call from my sister saying that he was back in the hospital and to rush there because it wasn't looking good. Of course I got there going 90mph the whole way. By the time I got there, my father had fallen into a coma. What felt like minutes later, my family and I had a meeting with the doctor. He had pronounced my father brain dead. That was devastating. He gave us the option of taking him off life support or keeping him on it with virtually no chance of recovery. We chose to take him off life support and let him go to God.  Most of my family decided to stay and be with him for his last moments. I chose to leave. I refused to see my father at his weakest. He was a strong man- a fighter. And the last moments of my father that I recall are ones of him going against the grain and living his life the way he wanted to live it. On March 30th, 2003 my father passed away.

Although he is not here with me anymore. I carry him around with me. After all, I am my father's child. But I think the biggest thing Ive learned from my life and my father is to never give up hope- and to keep an open mind. Love others regardless and although they may not do the same, you will feel better about yourself. And lastly, be proud of yourself. There is not a type of person that can or cannot get AIDS. Anyone can. And having AIDS is not the end either. It may change the way you live your life, but it will not change who you are.

In loving memory of David A. Kuhn, a loving father.

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Jessica

I read your stories online, and as it seems to happen with any mention of AIDS around me, my ears perked up, the TV turned off, the music quieted. I listened (read) intently to the stories of those around me who have been impacted by this disease. I wish I could say that I was not one of them, but this disease has changed my life.

From my very first memories of my mother, she was a homebody.  Her yellow fleece robe and warmth from the fireplace were her favorite two things, besides the Cubs of course.  I remember singing 'Jose can you see' (my version) every baseball game with her...both of us standing with our hands over our hearts. I remember sitting in curlers every friday while she watched 'the bold and the beautiful' and did my hair.  I also remember the always present white boxes with the house logo with an "h" in the middle.  Later I would come to see those boxes in a different light.  Later I would see that all the energy she needed to play with me came from the medication in those white boxes.

By the time I was five, my mother was seriously ill.  I know the taste of hospital food and the feel of hospital pillows very well.  She was in and out for years, and I remember giving reports on her health during show-and-tell in kindergarten instead of bragging about my new toys. At the end of my kindergarten year my father sat my brother and I down on the couch and told us that mommy was gone and she wouldn't be coming back. It is the thing I remember most clearly about my childhood. I cry whenever I think of it.

I asked no questions and went on living my life without really knowing what it was that took my mother from me. As I got older and the question was asked of me, I relayed it to my father...wondering what the complete answer was. He would hint at her having an immune defficieny and vaguely tip toe around the subject.  But he was always very much against me giving blood during the blood drives at school. I was always very positive about it, still am.  I saw it as saving lives...while his memory was of taking them.

About a month after my 18th birthday, my father sat my brother and I down on the couch again for another talk.  The second one in 12 years.  I knew already this was serious.  He said we were now old enough to know the real reason my mother died.  I already knew that my mother had had troubles with having a second child.  Actually I am not her biological child because of that.  After having two ectopic pregnancies and miscarriages, trying in vitro fertilization, and losing most hope....my adopted mother and father became my parents.  What I didn't know about this situation was that during a surgery to remove the second fallopian tube from my mother's body, she lost a great amount of blood and needed a transfusion.  She was given infected blood and contracted HIV.  It wasn't long before she was in terrible health, and only a few short years before she was gone.

Yes, we could have sued the hospitals, but it wouldn't have brought her back.  And yes, I do feel somewhat cheated, not knowing this whole time how my own mother died, but I understand why my father did what he did. The 80's were not an understanding decade and he wanted to protect me. But now all I can think about is awareness and how AIDS has developed a 'point the finger' reputation of shame.  I want everyone to know that there is more to AIDS and HIV than just unprotected sex, and that awareness is key.

I hope that I will always remember my mother's face, and those Cubs games.  I know that she will always live on in my heart.

Jessica, Indiana, USA.

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Don't give up hope

Russ

My partner and best friend of the last 10 years died May 19, 2006 at the age of 47. He was about 27 years old when he was diagnosed with HIV.  I have to make this announcement because I want people to know how courageous he was, how he lived for almost half his life with the stigma of HIV, with copious medications and all their complications and side-effects, sometimes with the unkind judgment of small minds, with the ever present prospect of illness and death.

He was courageous because he refused to be defined or defeated by a diagnosis. He was courageous because he insisted on life. He was vital, honest, passionate, loving, funny, angry, opinionated, impulsive, articulate, compassionate, charming and damned good looking. It's how he lived his life. He was a wonderfully strong person, whom I was glad and proud to have in my life.

So, please, live your life, don't quit, if not for yourself, for those who love you. My partner and friend left me with a lifetime gift and treasure........his spirit which I felt leave his body as he died peacefully by my side.

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April

Hello, My name is April, I am a Sister to a  wonderful man that I have recently lost from HIV/AIDS. I am still struggling  with the fact that something so cruel took his life. I miss and think about him  every day. My family and I watched him live his life to the fullest and love the  hardest a person possible could. He faced it head on and told it he was going on  his terms not it's terms. He had so much courage and he was so brave.

I  remember my sister  telling me he sent her a card  with the meaning of  courage on it. She had said that fighting in IRAQ was not courage but staring  death in the face and saying my terms, that is courage  that is what  courage is all about.

When he started going in and out of the hospital we knew it  would not be long before it clamed his life. He was with us for thanksgiving and  Christmas of 05' and passed in February of 06'. He was only 40. At least we  had those last holidays together.

It's  hard to see someone you love dearly  slowly die and you can do nothing but pray that he goes quickly and not suffer.  He looked so fragile in his bed and so helpless all I could do was tell him how  much I loved him and that his 2 year old nephew would know him because he lives  in all our hearts and he would never be forgotten. He had called me on the phone  a week before he passed and told me my son would never know him  he started  crying and I told him not to say that because he was going to out live me. I  know I have an angel watching over me and that's what keeps me going and I know  he is in good company.

TO ALL WHO READ THIS, BE SAFE  TO MY ANGEL, I LOVE YOU JORDAN!!!!!

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Shana

Hi! All My name is Shana I'm 21 and I'm a proud mother of a 2yr old son Shane. I recently Just lost my distant father from HIV. I'm still dealing with it and the fact that he may have infected someone else and not told them. I almost feel gulity because I feel as if I should seek out everyone I think he was with and tell them to go and get themselves checked out. Though I'm not the one carrying HIV I carry the burden of it and the humilty of my church going, straight and narrow 42yr old father coming up dead after everyone only knowing that he was sick maybe less than a month. I feel like he was a phony and should have been true to himself. In reading this page I give a lot of you credit for admitting to the way of style you like to live along with your preference for your sexual partner. In conjunction my stomach gets sick at those who openly admit to having sex with people and not letting them know you were positive how unresponsible. I may not have the disease but I'm not even one step away from it and seeing how it destroys people. I found out my dad was infected October 17,2005. By October 27th he was in the hospital cause he couldn't even walk by himself and fell face first in our garage in which two days prior to I caught him out there with one shoe on and one shoe off couldn't even pull his sock up onto his leg, told him not to be out there. On November 3rd he was taken to a nursing him where he couldn't walk, talk , nor even watch you walk from one side of the room to the other. November 10th I arrived at the for a midnight visit stayed for about 45 to 50 minutes not like he slept with his eyes closed he was ready for heaven. I continuely told him I was going to be OK I think now boy was I lieing. I left the nursing home and get home around 2:50 A.M. I received a call I was then told that my dad passed away I was thinking I just left him. Death is no joke and HIV will result from it. True some people tell me well gotta die of something at sometime but it's just so hard not to factor it in that "damn maybe if he woulda a been just a little more careful". After he died I was some of what surpriseingly OK cause I knew it was coming, but reality bit me in the ass once more. Though the nurses hasn't said anything and no one else really said too much about it I received a copy of his death certificate and damn right before lay those three letters that have changed my life forever
Death Certificate:
Cause of death- H I V
 
nothing is sugar coated on there. Everyone be safe and be honest life is precious and is not promised the least we could do is be grateful people and protect our temples as such beautiful creatures that god made us out to be.
 
R.I.P.----- J.L.T.      4/63-11-05

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My partner

Hi my friends call me T-T I’m a happy successful mother.

HIV-AIDS is such a surreal experience, until you have actually gone through the testing and getting the results you will never know.

I’ve always been careful with my health always, I tested regularly and had protected sex. I met a man I knew was my soul mate weconnected, had fun even consulted him for each every life decision he was the one [he had one flaw I thought I could fix, womanizing and drinking like there is no tomorrow] My family though didn’t like him much it was as if they could see right through him.

I’m always running to the doctor when something is wrong with my body, my body really talks to me, after unprotected sex with this man I would get night sweats, thrush, vomiting and a loose stomach and not once did I reconcile this with HIV it could have been too much heat or because I was traveling a lot it was probably change of weather and places [I thought to myself]. Then as part of my routine check ups I asked him to accompany me to my doctor [I knew he was scared of testing so I would test then he would test after me] deep down I knew something was not right but I loved him.

My Elisa came out Negative and I smiled and the doctor proceeded to him and as the thin line appeared on HIV-1, I could feel my spirit leave my body the whole room just started to fade and my stomach turned, how can this happen to us I mean me [this was not my reality it was my neighbors my friends not mine].

I asked my doctor to then draw blood for both of us for further test. The next three days would be hell, he dropped me off at home

I couldn’t tell anyone [they would say they told me so] He didn’t seem moved by the whole thing which worried my doctor painfully.

We went back after 3 days his was confirmed positive and mine negative [it was a short-lived victory as I knew I had to go back after 3months and 6months] I swore I was going help him through this even better it would force him to focus on us [I was wrong] he wanted to have me around to look out for him but he was self destructing and I could see he was taking me with it was painful.

11 weeks went by and I asked him to come along he refused saying that he had urgent matters and things were happening in his life that he had to deal with and I was bothering him [I was alone, scared and went for the test] it came out negative again my doctor assured me I was okay and that I should come back after 6months but I’m okay. I will probably go back for the 6months test, as I want to give my daughter a full life with a mother who is healthy.

Parallel to this my dear cousin confessed to me while I was relating my story to her that she is also positive it shattered me, now we are in a process of making sure she gets treatment. Until HIV comes knocking at your door you never think its your problem what this taught me was it can happen to anyone now I live in fear that after 6months I might seroconvert but I’m praying hard that it doesn’t happen.

We need to be strong for those infected and for ourselves because life is just too short and HIV is making it shorter.

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Prejudice in India

Mukhtar Yadav (40 Yrs old) of Village Charwa, died of AIDS on 15th of July 2005. He was migrant mason labourer from Chapra, Bihar working at Bangalore, India since last 7 years.

He came to ENT Consultant Dr K K S* at Patna for his problem in deglutition. After examination he was referred to Dr DT, Family Physician and Presently Medical Director, Regional AIDS Training Center and Network in India, IHO.  Dr DT after through examination, suspected him to be a full blown AIDS case. He got the initial treatment for an opportunistic oral candidiasis and was referred to Nazareth Hospital, Mokama (about 60 Kms from Patna) where Bihar AIDS Control Society is sponsoring 10 beds exclusively for AIDS patients for opportunistic infection treatment. At present there is no govt. hospital that is providing free or subsidized anti retroviral therapy to the patients in Bihar.

Negative discrimination for his wife and her immediate family members had started from the time he was getting treatment at Nazareth Hospital. By that time her wife's (Mrs. Rampati Devi, 35 Yrs) and youngest daughter's (Baby Anshu Kumari (3 Yrs) +ve HIV status was known to everyone in the village. Her Other daughters and sons namely Ms. Babita Kumari (12 Years), Ms. Sunita Kumari (9 Yrs), Mr. Pintu Kumar Yadav (7 Years), and Mr. Santu Kumar Yadav (6 Years) didn't turn reactive to HIV testing. Her suffering started and no one was coming to help her. They were discharged from Nazareth Hospital after death of her husband.
After about a month of their discharge from Hospital, she and her daughter started getting some infection as fungal infection on scalp, fever, diarrhea and discharge from ear. They were treated accordingly by me and they responded to the treatment well. As I got involved with their social, mental, financial and medical sufferings, which was making her life miserable, I couldn't stop myself in helping her in all possible way. I gave her all the consolation, courage, medical treatment free of cost. She was so desperate that she wanted to die. There were no earning members in the family, no one to feed them and no one ready to play with their children. She had virtually a hopeless isolated life. During conversation with them I found that still very low level of awareness is prevailing in the society about the mode of transmission of AIDS. Even her fellow villagers thought that they will get AIDS from the air which is passing through her house.

These all episodes had a deep impact on me and prompted me with all seriousness to go in front of the media and volunteer myself in sharing the biscuit with the HIV +ve Victim, only to give the message that AIDS is not transmitted by eating together or by close interactions. Secondly, I was moved to see 3 years old HIV +ve girl and we wished to give a message on this very occasion that  HIV transmission can be significantly reduced in infants if HIV +ve  pregnant women takes antiretroviral treatment and abstain from breast feeding as per advice by the doctors. All the leading newspapers of Bihar and India (local, regional and national) covered the news and electronic media also gave due coverage. The action was appreciated by people from different folds.

I did not disclose the identity of AIDS patients in the first place. It was so that during her husband's treatment at Nazareth Hospital, her relatives and people from their village came to know about their status. After that negative discrimination started and she became desperate and hopeless. At last resort she herself volunteered and wished to come before media to highlight her story. When I asked her it may disclose her identity, she told that everyone in their family and village already knew her status and there is nothing left to loose further. She has given a thumb impressed written consent also. In my own believe no further harm could have been added by sharing the biscuit, on the other hand, some of the sensitive organization and people may come forward for her help. And many NGO's, Pvt. Companies, Drug companies and individuals have now extended their support. Few are on way to occupationally rehabilitate her, to make her life productive and fruitful, as far as possible.

They are now getting a new hope in their lives. Last week I had seen all the courage and confidence in her. Co villagers and family members have started interacting with them positively.
I pray to god to bless them and bless us.

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Destiny

Hi, My name is Destiny.... my mom died 6 years ago Sept 23.

I was 23. I have 2 sisters who were 22 and 19. My little sister had just had her baby Sept 13, 1999 She was only 10 days old. When I was only 10 my mom left me dad and moved us to Chicago. I don’t remember seeing her much for about 3 months. My dad finally found us and took us home. 3 years later my sister said mom has aids I said whatever!! I didn’t believe it could really happen. Boy was I wrong. Well as time went on my mom drank so when her stomach got big she said it was her liver she was sick from. OK well 2 months before she died I was sitting in her driveway about to leave with my beautiful 3 year old daughter in the backseat and she said to me "Desi I told your dad " I said told him what?
 
She said that I have AIDS------
 
I just started crying, I said to her you never even told me. I of cousre started crying. I then asked her what she would like me to tell Shayha my daughter. I said she’s only 3.... she will never know you. (Sorry if this seems a little off in writing I haven’t dealt with it until now. This is really the first of me talking about it.) OK let me get back on track. So come to find out she never told my dad all those years. OK she died 2 months later she had come to my house for dinner and when I took her home she was so happy. When she got out of the car she said she was gonna take a bubble bath I pulled out of the drive way looked up and just knew.........that was it. At 1:28 am my dad calls me" Desi your mom cant breath come take her to the hospital." Her lungs had filled with fluid which was blood she was bleeding internally. So I went to get her she almost died in my car on the way but I got her there. She died at 9:13 am! ; I have no idea how to deal with this. I am completely lost. My mom was 1 of 10 kids in her family she was the 3rd to die of AIDS. They all did drugs together. I just wish that there was a way to let the world know and parents that are hurting their children to just wake up you have known idea how bad this is. Why would you want to do this to your self or family? If ever given one chance?

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My friend

Hey!

I'm 17 years old and from the UK, I can't say how much this site has really helped me understand certain things about HIV- I needed to know them but at the same time they have terrified me. My name's Dellie and a while ago one of my best friends tested HIV positive. It had a massive effect on me because for a long time I pinned hope on him and he made me feel better about the horrible things happening in my own life. He was one of the most optimistic people I will ever know and loved every minute of life, he lived to make other people- and himself, happy.

Finding out that was HIV positive devastated him, and twisted him up inside. At first he was hopeful but as he needed more meds and treatment he became bitter in a way that scared me. I felt all the hurt as if it were first hand, and lost my faith in the world a bit. I mean how could this happen to such a good person? I just couldn't understand.

I know that one day I will loose him, and some things on this site scared me- like how much weight he will loose and how his body could reject drugs. But other things made me feel a whole lot better, like the length of time some people has lived with the illness. So thank you all so much for your honest stories, there is so little real information available to people like me.

Reading this site has cemented for me how brave and strong people dealing with HIV and Aids are. They deserve our respect, and not our ignorance.

Thanks for helping me see it’s not the end of the world, mine or his. X

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HIV & My husband

I have read many of your stories and my heart is trying to make sense of things. . .

I am not HIV+ but my husband is an has been for over 15 years.  When I first met him I did not the truth, as we continued to build a friendship he eventually was honest with me.   

I decided that I would marry him anyway, the hardest thing for me is watching my husband commit suicide.  He hasn't taken his medication in almost 3 years.  I each day the symptoms become more evident that his health is decrease no matter.  I plead with him, make appointments for him and cry myself to slept every night.  I ask myself each day how can I get close to someone who is going to die.  

I don't really know what his is going through because I am not the one in the situation per say.  But I wish that I could understand why he doesn't want to live.    

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My little hero

My father contracted the hiv virus when my mother was pregnant with me. The doctors told him he had maybe six months to live. My dad didnt like the thought of not seeing me. So he fought and stayed healthy. And almost 16 years later hes still with me. But my dad isnt the only one who has it now. My father ended up getting Aids and my mother after i was born contracted hiv. And passing it on to my little brother. He now has Aids.

And hes the strongest bravest person I know. His disease doesn't make him different in the familys eyes. My little cousin and him play all the time. He goes to schools and he talks about what he has. All my friends think hes really cool and fun to be around. But they also think that hes amazeing for going on has he does. He doesnt let it get him down he doesnt let it make him not be able to do things. My brother is the best tree climer i know. He loves riding his bike and skateboard. And he loves to pick on me and embaress me infront of guys i like. But thats part of his job as my little brother. Hes my shinning star and my best friend. He always knows when im down and he is always there with a hug for me. I love him so much it hurts at times to think i may not always have him. My dad and me are real close but this is the one thing that makes our relationship hard is me having to see my little brother in the hospital when he is sick. He always looks so small and helpless there. Mom and grandma would take turns watching him while he was there and my aunt, cousin, and me always come and see him. But he is getting better. He hasnt gone for two years now. And I have the doctors to thank for that and I bless every single one of the people trying to make this fight easier. And i thank and bless those who make it so my brother can know others who go through this. And so my family can see others who know what its like. One of my best friends is hiv positive and I dont know a better person or a funner person to be around. I love you mom, dad, my little hero, and you too les.

Catherine

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Asha's cousin

It's been 1 year since my cousin Asha died at age 22 from being HIV+. Its still hard for me to even sit and think about her, because it seems just like yesterday we were just sitting around having fun. She got diagnosed with the disease one month before she died.

She contracted the disease from her boyfriend whom she lived with for 5 yrs.. Everyone in the family is still tying to cope with the reality that she is gone. We just pray and thank the lord for the strength and will that we gained from him.. I just want to tell everyone that u can get through this, all u have to do is keep prayin and asking god for guidance. Everything happens for a reason and only god knows why. 

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John

My 20 year old son has HIV. I received a letter from him about two weeks before Christmas.

The previous months he had gotten into some trouble and wound up serving two years in prison. He had no HIV when he went in. Now My son, age twenty, has HIV.

At first I thought he was just angry with me and pulling a joke. I was in denial. I called the medical unit where he is serving time and my son had signed a release of information. It was true.

I spent about two weeks feeling sorry for myself, I was going to lose my son. It was a worst fear realized. I cried I laid around I didn't want to accept the truth. I was angry. I was hurt. I was being selfish.

My son has taken responsibility for his life.He was accepting the reality.He is brave. He has accepted the reality that he carries a deadly virus and is learning about his disease and coping.

I love him so much. It will still be a year before I can see him. Maybe more than a year. I want him home. I want to spend the years with him I can. We were apart for a long time before he even went to prison.

I am printing information for him off the web, and sending this to him. I keep seeing pictures of him in my mind when he was just a baby. When he would spread his arms and look at me, and say

"I love you this much mommy!"

I love you forever, my JOHN.

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Farai

It's been six years after my parents died of Aids. I was seventeen when they died, but we were never told about what they were really suffering from. I am not sure if the reason behind this was that my aunts were in denial or that they didn't want us kids to know, but the fact of the mattter is that I knew. I think that it was my father that infected my mother cause he was having an extra marital affair, and in the end my mum's love for her husband is what killed her. I am not really bitter with my dad, cause after all 6 years is a long time to be angry, but maybe a little bit disappointed in the fact that him, like most men, didn't cherish the families they had and the happiness they had a hand. I urge all people to be grateful for what they have and live positively. I am afriad to get the disease cause when I think back and see the pain that especially my mum went thru, I always tell myself that if I ever get that sick I will kill myself. Those are not good thoughts cause from the stories that I have been reading I have learnt that there is life after diagnosis. I just pray that if by some mistake on my part that I have been able to get the disease also, then I will have the strength to go on.

Farai

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My boss

I have just discovered this site and its quite amazing!

My name is Amelia A. Ssemuju from Uganda. I work for an Organisation that guides and empowers people living with HIV/AIDS.

Friends thank God for the gut he has given you to put your emotions on paper. This is a step to recovery. After reading all these emotional letters, I felt I needed to share with you my boss' thrilling testimony. Major Ruranga who has lived with HIV for the last 21 years is just an inspiration to me and all those that care about people living with HIV/AIDS.

Just like everyone else, when he had just found out his sero-status, he was shattered and even attempted to end his life, but something inside him told him that suicide is cowardice and it was not the end of life. Now, he chose to pick up his pieces and move on. He determined to break the conspiracy of silence and go out and find help. He didn't care who said what, all he needed was help. And he surely found it. Right now, he leads a much healthy life perhaps more healthier than the HIV- people have ever lived. Those of you who say that you desire to have children and live a normal life but feel like all hope is gone, do not be deceived because Major (rtd) Ruranga has two beautiful children aged 5 and 3 (totally free from the virus).

Remember I told you already that he has lived with HIV since 21 years ago. By the way, he is 57 and confesses that he will only die of old age not AIDS. He feels in the heart of hearts that AIDS is not a threat to him any more, it is conquered and is now under his feet! Why, because he chose to face it and fight it as well.

To all of you who feel like it's the end of the world, do not be deceived, there's hope against hope! Break silence, go out and find help, stop throwing pity parties for yourselves, love your selves and focus on your career. Well, I just felt like I needed to share with you such a thrilling testimony of a man who almost died because of stigma and fear but because his inner man was not ready to give up life, he has inspired and impacted the lives of those that were living in dim light in Uganda and abroad.

Much love, Amelia

UGANDA

AVERT.org: Major Ruranga is a well known AIDS activist. For several years he has taken antiretroviral treatment, which greatly prolongs survival of people with HIV. His wife, who is also HIV positive, took antiretroviral drugs to reduce the risk of their children becoming infected.

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