Anon

I lost my only brother on September 11, 2007 to AIDS. He was diagnosed September 1996 with full blown AIDS and given 6 months to live. He and I were the only ones to know for 2 yrs. he was so ashamed and he felt i was the only one he could trust.

I am 12 yrs. older and have always been very close to him. He was my best friend. We traveled the country together, he told me all his secrets. I took him to all his doctors appointments which were an hour away because he was afraid to go to a doctor nearer to his home. He was a giant of a man, 6'3" 250 at the beginning. He had wasting in the beginning and lost about 60 pounds in a very short period. then when he began the drug regimen he gained a few pounds back and kept it on for about 5 yrs.

A month after we found out he had it our mom went in for triple bypass surgery and I secretly prayed she would die. I thought it would be better for her to not know or experience his death. He was the baby of our family of 3 girls and he the only son. He was a gentle giant, which was a name he was given by his fellow employees.

Where he worked he had good insurance and had climbed in the company to supervisor. The last year and a half of his life he had missed so much work even being on FMLA that the company demoted him and put him with new employees, they thought he had just started just like them.

It crushed his self esteem even more to be demeaned by a company he had given his all to. He worked up until a month before his death. He had a sore the size of a saucer on his butt from sitting in their chairs for 9 hours a day. He worked for V. the most cut throat business I have come to know. It is all about money to them. He had to try and sell more options to people who already were having trouble just paying their bills. V. didn't care about their customers and they cared less about my brother. He had to park so far from the door he would have to rest to be able to finish his walk into work.

When he died and his supervisors came to visitation they said “we didn't even know he was sick" come on now, he was a skeleton with a terrible color anyone with eyes could see he was very ill. For my brother and parents I said nothing, you see my brother would never have made a scene in public so I have remained quiet until now.

I miss my brother so much. I am thankful that God did give him 11 yrs, when the doctors had given him 6 months. He got to see his nieces and nephew graduate and his great nieces and nephew born. He lived his Christian faith and we were all blessed to have had him and known him for 38 yrs.

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Kourtni

My aunt just informed me she was HIV positive she was holding out on telling me because when I first heard a rumor that her partner was infected and she was being naive and not really paying me attention I became angry.

But here we are months later and she tells me she found out six months ago. He has had it for 11 years and he said he gave it to her because he didnt want to loose her. Im so depressed not because of the HIV but because he knew his status and he denied it to her when questioned.

Does anyone have any advice for me because I feel like he is EVIL for doing this I cant sleep or anything but I am soooooo happy that I know about all these meds and I know she will be fine.

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Mother

I am the mother of a homosexual son that has been diagnosed with HIV positive. I prayed for years for God to heal my son. He met a woman and married her. He's still gay and practicing while he is married. He doesn't care who he is with. He is so bitter at God for allowing this to happen to him. I have become bitter too. Not only is he still gay and married and his marriage is falling apart but he's HIV positive now. I don't understand God any more. I'm hurting so bad I don't want to live. I wake up everyday with this cloud of misery hanging over me. I think of just ended my life. It seems the only way to stop feeling this awful hurt and pain. I thought God loved me. How can he love me and allow this misery and hurt to continue for years and years. I have begun to think there isn't a God. All I hear is God's love for me. What kind of love is this? I think of all the things I could do to end this since God won't. This mess is forever! I've been going through this for 20 years now. Just want it to end one way or the other. If I have to end my own life.

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Brokenhearted

The day i found out my youngest brother is hiv positive was the worst day of my life see he is more than a brother he is my best friend ,my son and i will never forget it. I was at work and he called me crying and he said something was wrong with the test i said what it bet not be what i think it is and he broke down then so did i. I said go get another one maybe its wrong he went to the hospital the next morning and he found out YES indeed he is HIV positive not only that but had syphilis warts and i asked him how could you be so careless with his life and he said to me and i quote "i didnt think it could happen to me"!!!!

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Deborah

Recently I found out that a close friend and co-worker of mine has been tested HIV+.  I was devastated. I reflect on my life because it can happen to anyone.  To make matters worst his live-in girlfriend has had only one partner in her life (She is 28 years old) and that\'s him.  I feel so guilty because couple years ago, she wanted to break the relationship off and he asked me to speak with her and I did.  As a result she gave him a second chance.

I keep wondering if I am to be blame.

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Bipoli

God bless all of you. I am a married women and healthy. My sister is in Africa and she is positive. She is hiding it but we have confirmation from a medical staff. She lost weight and was becoming very weak. My friend who leave with her has been keeping me informed. She knew all the signs as her own brother is positive. My sister is on medications but still hiding it. the meds were seen in her handbag. I am so worry that she is not getting the moral support she needs. It must have been terriying for her but I can\'t be there for her as she will kick off and would know who told me. I am so lost and don\'t know what to do. I love her so much and cannot bear the thought of loosing her. I cannot tell my parents as it would kill them. Since finding out that she is positive, i have been reading a lot about it and I am now the one who needs help and reassurance. She was engaged years ago to someone who came to Africa from Germany. He them dumped her in a very bizzare way. Now they are back together and he want to marry her again. I suspect he is the one who infected her. He recently visited her and found her very weak and skiny but did not seem to care and I know for sure that they had sex. This will sound terrible but in a way, I suspect he is also positive and I am sorry but feel relieved as they both know and support each other and also reasssure me that she is not alone. What do I do? She is not sharing anything with anyone. When he went to Germany, he sent her some vitamins that she is taking along with her medications. My friend is very positive and is spying on her and reporting back to me. She had rashes and I bought her a cream and sent it to my friend in secret, she will find a way of giving it to her. I want her to come and visit but have bad thought at the back of my mind. What if she infect me or any of my kids by accident? What if some of her blood touches the food by accident? Then I am ashamed of thinking that way when I think of my friend who leave with her in the same house and is her rock.

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Anon

My parents found out about their HIV after my sister was born. She didn't make it. I was born after her and was lucky enough to go through DDI and various treatments. I was not breastfed. At 14 months I tested Negative and have been ever since. I'll be 19 soon.

My mother died when I was 4. All I remember is numerous trips to doctors and being with her in the hospital a lot.

My father on the other hand lived about 7 years longer. He started to crash when I was 10. Lots of new medications and trial programs. He was taking shots twice a day and many pills. He got weaker over the months. I gave him his shots and sorted his meds. Hospice came around by my 11th birthday. He had a hospital bed at home and an oxygen machine. Sadly he died the month after my birthday.

I don't know how other people do it. Other families. I was just a kid at the time. It was only me and I watched him die. It was really hard. More then hard. And words can't really explain the feelings of the last moments.

Families, when there are kids involved let them know what's going on. We'll guess it anyways. We're stronger than you think. I wish to anyone with a loss to this that they are able to heal. No matter how much time it takes. And to the families going through it I wish to you all the strength in the world. You can do this.

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Maylee

I am 40 yrs I tested negative but I met a guy thru a magazine called Positive Aware and he is positive. I care for him and I stand next to him. So ladies don’t think you will never find a partner you will just wait and live a life. You ladies are strong and I admire you a lot keep the faith and don’t get depress. I will always be thinking of you all

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Malaika

I wanted to write to encourage everyone living with HIV to stay positive no matter what.  That is the greatest weapon you have to fight this illness.   My life has been touched by HIV so profoundly.  I am negative by the grace of God.  However I lost my beautiful sister who was only 43 and my two brothers, these were the closest to me, I cannot begin to count the other relations I have lost.  Coming from an African country, the stigma attached to having HIV is what kills people.  We would rather hide behind witchcraft and ignorance than face the truth. I urge people from all over the world to get tested and know your status.  

I wish I had been brave enough to tell my sister to get tested when I last saw her in 2003, but she being older than me, I thought I would be disrespecting her but I could tell that she and her husband were showing obvious symptoms.  It was only in 2007 when her husband had been ill on and off for a number of years and she had started complaining of having thrush in the mouth that I found the courage to tell her to get tested and sure enough she was positive.  I have done a lot of research on this illness as I believe that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.  Sadly I lost my beloved sister in 2009 to PCP which came on very quickly.

I urge all to get tested and to tell the virus that the only way it can live is if you live.  Also if you are not well, seek medical attention immediately.  It is true that God does not give us burdens we cannot carry.

God bless you all and don't ever give up.  I love you all as if I know you.

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Angel

    I’ am not positive, but when I was 10yrs I saw my mother crying and I had no idea why...My dad was comforting her and telling her that nothing will change and that some things in life seems like the worst but truly speaking it mad my parents closer.
  My mother is positive and when I first found out that she had the HIV I thought she would become very sick and die.....But I'm proud to say she is living a healthy life and stays strong....There is no reason why you should be ashamed. Things happen for a reason.....Any time something goes wrong we pray and my saying is, ‘you gotta go though hell to get to heaven'. I support you all and you should keep your head up and just forget about it just always believe that god has your back. There is a reason for everything and HIV is not a curse...

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Danny

I recently discovered my beloved Uncle and his wife + son has HIV/AIDS.  It was my uncle that infected his wife while she was pregnant with their son. He is only 2 years old.

I know about the virus but know its a little close to home and it hurts like hell when people you love make the wrong decisions and end up living with HIV even worse when it was not your choice.

Latley all they do is fight and argue, regret I guess, and struggle to get to terms with what is happening to them.  They don’t even know that we know about their status.

It breaks my heart coz all we want to do support them. So many thoughts lingers in my head all day long. I hope they know its not a death sentence just a another way of living.  

This is his second marriage and he has a son who just turned 21 and a daughter age 27 and they don’t know about their father being HIV positive.  Doctors have told his he hasn’t got much longer but I believe God has the last say.

My thinking is the reason he has not told his kids yet could be that his wife does not want his ex knowing.  

Its hard knowing and not being able to say its ok, we are still here and you can lean on us for as long as you want and need. It’s hard to be silent but I have to respect them, they have the right to tell whom they wish.

I feel almost tempted to tell my cousins or to come out and say, "hey I know you the Virus, but we still love you the same way". I feel strongly that, not us, but his kids who loves him so much has the rite to know.

I know I sound crazy but I don’t know how to feel about this in all.

AVERT.org If you are experiencing some issues raised in this story, please take a look at our Emotional needs and Support page. 

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Joanne

Hi my names joanne. Im 21

Ive been with my partner for nearly a year now & I knew he was HIV positive when I first got with him. We had a real tough first few month as his ex g.f who is negative broke up with him and told a lot of people and a lot of people were horrible and pure evil about the situation. Thankfully she lives a good far distance away from us which it great lol. She doesn’t have a clue what it is but thinks she does. Shes a few years older then me and I hope one day she asks herself why she ever let him go? Because hes the most decent male I have ever met. Id never change him and not so long ago I was suffering from depression & kicked him out. I know now that I did wrong we are now back together.
We haven’t had sex yet only because I want to know a bit more about HIV. I’m going to start going to hospital appointments with him and be by his side. I love him so much and hes the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. The thing I always worry about is maybe in a few years we would love to have children. I’ve heard of the sperm wash but I don’t know much about it. I was wondering if anyone has had this or they know anyone that has and how it works, cost etc..

My mum & dad know about my boyfriends status and they are so supportive. He lived in a hostel before I met him but my mum and dad allowed him to move in with us so hes looked after better and gets loads of food hehe. Hes lived with us for about 4 month and I mean we have our up's & downs about things just like anyone else.

Ive judged him once on what he has and I still regret that from this day now. I used to be like those people that judge people before you know them and now I know that was wrong for me to do. He does a lot for me and I do a lot for him to. Were both happy and I want to be there for him every step of the way. I love him dearly. Hes my best friend not just my boyfriend and without him i wouldn’t be the happy lady I am today.

And remember guys never judge a book by its cover.

 AVERT.org. For more information about supporting the emotion needs of people living with HIV, then take a look at our Living with HIV: Emotion needs and support page.

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Gujen

I have always had an aversion to terminal illnesses be it AIDS or cancer but I tried to look beyond that, little did I know that AIDS would take my Dad. We live in London and belong to a ultra conservative South East Asian community where things like HIV do not happen to anyone other than "bad people".

My Dad ever since I remember him was a strict disciplined but kind man who did a lot for children in orphanges in India and was also involved in establishing tamil culture and temples in the UK.His one weakness was sometimes putting others ahead of his family responsibilities which eventually ended up severely damaging our relationship.

I still to this day have no idea how he contracted HIV, the fact is he did probably about ten years ago. His life from childhood had been a turbulent one and he with my Mum had done the best they could to raise us of that I have no doubt; he'd lost his father at a young age and that made him see the world differently, his Uncle being his surrogate father.

My Dad came to London by ship in the late 60's with my Mum following soon after and worked hard to build a good life, he had a great circle of friends but about five years ago aged 75 began his first stay at hospital where his infection went undiagnosed - after release he went back to see the consultant who told him to go away and stop wasting his time. I used to worry about him since I was a child and could see "something" was not quite right so began working in earnest to rebuild our relationship.By this time whenever he was ill I tried my best to get him the best medicine I could by talking to pharmacists and after his second stay at hospital with pneumonia could see he was losing weight at an alarming rate but by now had additional complications such as bacterial yeast infections down his oesophagus that made it so painful for him to swallow that he started to not eat. I suspected his immune system was breaking down but assumed that it was his age (80),having read about acupuncture then started taking him twice a week which seemed to really help.

In December 2008 he was taken to hospital for the last time, I held his hand when the doctors used to take blood samples from him and did not batter an eyelid when the doctor said they were going to test for everything including HIV - I was so sure it was something else.

I stayed with him in hospital more for moral support than anything else as I knew he was scared and just by being around him he seemed more confident..in those three weeks at one point they changed his medication and he seemed to really improve like the previous two times that I didn\'t worry but trying to stay awake and watch over him 24/7 and breathing in his coughs and sneezes really tested my own immune system - under stress I collapsed at home one morning where I went to take a break with a sky high temperature so bad that my house mates took me to hospital. I was away for 1.5 days when at 9.40pm the phone rang and as I went to answer it my full mug of tea went flying shattering on the floor like it had been smashed...I knew then instinctively something bad was happening and the hospital told me to come as quickly as I could.

I drove like a maniac as safely as I could in the circumstances but when I got there the look on the nurses face said it all, I said to her "it's bad isn't it", to which she said "I'm sorry...." the rest of her words did not register in me, the doctor a young guy came in looking distressed so i said to him I was sure he did the best he could to which he said yes but that my father had seemed to give up.

I found out he had AIDS on the first working day after Christmas from the Coroner's office who had found the virus in every organ of his body - a body i massaged since I was a young kid.
I don't know how but found the strength to get through that period but i treasure with ALL my heart all the fond memories of the good times including looking after him in hospital. In many ways God was merciful because I didn't know he had AIDS until after his death and he only knew for a week or so but for a proud man I know how much it would have hurt him if his friends knew he had died of this socially "unnacceptable illness". The crazy thing is I enjoyed looking after him and being with him in hospital for those final weeks is something i will treasure for the rest of my life..it has also made me look upon this illness with kinder eyes although I never stigmatised people or had a problem with anyone\'s sexual orientation.

I want in some way for people to know it's ok to have AIDS, it does not detract from whom that person is..I will love my Dad completely until the day I die and on the 1st of Jan 2010 will be flying to Kasi Temple next to the sacred Ganges to fulfill in some way with God's grace the journey he wanted to make but couldn't to deliver his third and final urn of ashes to the Holy River.
To all conservative communities I beseech you - get off your high horse, we do not have the right to judge other human lives without having first walked in their shoes ..no-one knows how my faher became HIV+ but that in no way stops him from being my father. He will always be my hero, born in poverty and self made he never stopped caring about other people and I will always carry his memory with love.

I hope in 2010 to start to do something to acknowledge my father's death in a way that will help educate and make far more tolerant the hippocritical society in which I sometimes find myself.

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Gigi

I'm not HIV+ and honestly i dont know why i'm writing this. my mom died of AIDS last year. i dont know how she got it . but i know, now that she had it for 2 years. my parents are divorced and she dint even date much....i hate it that she died of aids. no offence but where i live its still a stigma. she was this energy oozing person an din the end she just withered away. i read some of the articles here and now i know why she couldnt swallow the pills , i feel ashamed for not knowing better. hell in d end i dint have money to pay the hospital bills and doctor advised me to let her go and i did. i let her go. she could have been alive if i could arrange money somehow and just hang on.

I still dream about her ...sometimes she shouts at me for buying things , she hugge dme in one once and sometimes she just looks like herself before she fell ill.

Again , i dont know why i\'m writing this. but i do know that life does go on and we do feel happy even when we are completely torn up inside. when lie puts you in such tough situations you do have the strength inside to live through them. you just have to hang on, plus we cant really dont anything else ,can we?

I hope for hope and faith for all with this illness....hold on :)

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Tammie

I lost my mom on July 29, 1993 due to AIDS and I really miss her very much. She was the type of woman who to me gave up on life. She was on drugs for several years up to the day she died. I really don\'tknow the whole story to it but I have learned alot from her life and like her i am living with hiv but I refuse to give up on life.

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