John

Hello my name is john i am 18,my entire life i have been surpressing these feeling of my homosexuality, since i was a kid i have been attracted to other guys. but like most poeple i have alot of trouble accepting it. i looked at being gay as a horrible thing. i grew up catholic, i still am catholic to a degree, i came from a good family, and i just wanted a normal life. i have dated girls, and i really like girls, but my body does not feel the same and i've known this since middle school. i do not want to be labled gay, because people treat you like a vegetarian (im not saying its a bad thing). you have to keep telling people that you do not eat meat, but they keep offering it,  its just the norm to put meat on everything and you have to say otherwise. this is the main factor to the problem to comming out to my freinds and family.

i know i should feel proud about who i am, but i dont want people to just see me as gay, i want them to see me as another human. but i feel if i do not come out, ill just be hiding a part of me, and ill never fully inderstand who i am. so today is the day i decided, and I told the person whom i am closest with. she was a little taken by surprise but took it well and suports me. life is far too short to be hiding away and putting on acts so others will accept you. hopefully i can get more courage and find better ways to express this feeling to others i love.

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Bi..

My name is not that important. I am 16 years old, and I am Bi. I never really knew it until about two or three years ago. Before then i really didn't understand myself all that well. I just thought everyone had similar admirations for both men and women. To this day I still haven't completely come out. I've told a few of my closest friends, and my sister found out accidentally, and luckily she hasn't told my parents.

My family are strong Christians, and believe that people who are gay or lesbian do not deserve to go to heaven. So thus I have not told them anything. I know this is not a great thing, but I do believe that my parents are partially responsible for my sexuality. See, my parents weren't the youngest on the block when they had me and my sis, so they never had the exuberance to take me out and do many things, including those very important father son things. So ultimately, I was born and raised around my mom, and my sis (who unfortunately liked to dress my up like those little girl dolls, and play house with me).

In school, I was always the kid in the corner watching everyone else play. Until, that is, when I met my best friends. Most of them were girls, and a few were boys. I never really understood love, and I never thought about girls or boys that way. Girls were my friends, and I never understood other men.

It wasn't until sixth grade when I began to like boys and girls, and I began like both sexes at the same time. As I said, i liked girls cause they were friendly, and i liked guys, cause i didn't know them. It wasn't until eighth grade though that I began exploring men online. I was curious and that was that. Throughout that year and my freshman year of high school I just explored into the possibility. I never really found love until my sophomore year.

There was this boy in my locker hallway that I absolutely despised. He was rude, harsh, and had a very small ego. But he was the very opposite of me physically, which ultimately drew my attention. Anyway, it wasn't until my second trimester of that year that I had to deal with him. I had two gym classes with him, and i still hated him. Also we were always put together or close together when we were teamed up.

Now, I'm not the most athletic person in the world, and he was. So, i was always pushed hard to succeed, and that made him hate me. It wasn't until my third trimester that he realized my potential in aquatics (he's a swimmer on the swim-team.), and i had a feeling something was different about him.

I had not realized i loved him until a month or two before school ended, and i think he loved me too, but i didn't have the courage to confront him. Anyway, Aquatics was our time it seemed. We'd get in the pool and we'd flirt. Well, he started flirting with me and i wouldn't flirt back until it was a definite flirting move.

One or two weeks before school ended, the flirting became evident to everyone it seemed. We'd get to dive into the well, and I loved it. Well, every time it seemed, we'd dive in together, and so i would, but also, he would too. While down at the bottom of the well, he'd wrap his arms around me and pretend to "save" me (he was lifeguard certified). I couldn't help but smile when he'd grab me.

Sadly, school ended and i've never seen him since. A part of me though, still loves him, and wishes he was here with me, and hopes he loves me too. But anyway, that's my story, and all i have to say in conclusion to others dealing with these issues, is that it's not your fault. You did not choose this for yourself, and ultimately it doesn't mean you wont go to heaven. There are no set rules you must follow, there are only suggestions. Thank you for reading

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Hannah

Hi Im Hannah, I Just turned 16, and I am not sure if I am bi or lesbian I still have to figure it all out.
For a long time I went to a really small school where I constantly felt like it was almost expected to at least have a crush on a guy. In first and second grade I convinced myself that I had a crush on this one guy but then he moved to like Texas or something and I never really figured out if I really liked him. For the rest of elementary school I didnt think about guys or girls very much I was very quiet and was generally considered the bookworm.

In middle school I was still at the same school but a new girl arrived who was all about the drama and I am pretty sure she dated every guy in our very small class. We only had maybe 50 people in our grade. In seventh grade all my friends had crushes and I had a crush as well. I am very petite and I was fell for a guy who was very good looking and close to my height, I felt like we could be a perfect match. My friend paired us up and we dated for all of a week in which time we barely said a word to each other. We broke up after one date where we went to a very bad movie accompanied by his little brother and friend who really annoyed me.  I still dont really count that as dating.

Once I reached high school I got a crush on another very hot guy who was a bit taller than me. Unfortunately I knew at least one other girl who had a crush on him as well, and being the timid type that I am I stepped back not wanting to get involved in any drama. Funny enough the other girl was too scared to do anything about her crush and now the guy is dating a completely different girl.
I think throughout all this time I appreciated girls much more than guys and have payed a ton more attention to girls than guys. I think that in the back of my mind I have always been at least leaning towards being lesbian my whole life. In this past year I have become more open with myself and have realized that I like girls more than guys.

Only a few days ago did I actually say openly to myself ‚Hannah you are at the very least bi sexual. This fact shocked me a little anyways but since that day, even though I am still nervous about my decision, I feel like I am totally on the right track and am glad that I am at least open with myself.
I dont know when I will tell my parents or friends but I have already told my brother. Recently we have become much closer and tell each other lots of things, when I told him that I thought I was lesbian he was like really? but in a really calm way so I responded in my amazing way of using words yeah and that was pretty much it he was completely cool with it and agreed not to tell anyone he would let me have the honors.

I guess what I am trying to say in this synopsis of my life is that it doesnt have to matter what others think of you dont force yourself to be someone you are not it wont make you happy. First be open with yourself, then find someone who you can totally trust to let you take things at your own speed, I feel that if you tell one person first then everyone else can wait to know until you are really ready to let them know because when you do tell your friends and family you will know that at least one person has got your back. I believe in the saying live life to the fullest but life cant be lived if you are keeping yourself from yourself. I hope I have helped someone out in some way.

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Allie

Hi, I'm Allie. I am 15 and going into 10th grade. In the past year I have had questions about my sexuality. My uncle is gay, so I am fine with being gay, I have just never pictured myself as being a lesbian. My family (my mom's family) is not at all prejudice to gay marriage or anything like that so i am confident that if i am gay i should not worry. I started questioning my sexuality because i started to realize that i like guys, just not their package. Like everything about guys invites me in and intrigues me in a good way. But if i think about it i get really grossed out about their differences.

For girls, nothing creeps me out, i am interested in the whole thing. I just don't know what i am. I havent experimented with either sex as of yet but i am really wondering if sooner is better, i want to be able to figure this out so i know how to be satisfied and happy. I told my friend Kirs because she said something about thinking she was Bi aswell. I accidently told my friend Bailey because she was trying her lying skills so i got this text like "o btw i wana get snake bites and dreds for next year. o n fyi i think im bi." and of course i am totally relieved about that and blurt out "o yeah! me too!" then shes like "oooo i was kidding..." can you say sh*t!!! lol so anyway i finally talked to one of my uncles good friends, we have gotten closer since then. But he said you seem intrested in guys but i get how your confused. so anyway i talked to my uncles mom and my mom too. They were both supportive.

The hardest thing about this is that i am not sure how my dads family will react if i am. I dont know why i wanted to share this. I do know in this short paragraph all that i said came with many months and lots of guts, tears, headaches, and stress. If i had known that other girls go through this and seen the stories on this sight earlier i would have felt better. So maybe my tiny tale will help anouther girl who is just stuck. I love who i am, even if right now i dont know who that is.

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Melissa

My name is Melissa, im 17 and had that stored in the back of my mind feeling since i was very young that i was attracted to girls. Ive not yet accepted to come out to anyone, expecially family. I dont really know what they would do but i would rather not find out now.

I thought that since your rasied to think i have to be with a guy thats how it has to be, but i am attracted to both men and women. I find myself wanting to be more with a guy though.
I am joining the army when i graduate this year, so maybe that will help and ill find someone who has gone through this there or is going through accepting it.

Im involved in a church Mission Trip, although im Agnostic. For sure if a church found out id be shunned. We'll go on fundraising things and once we were at this bike week parking lot fundraiser and a group of lesbians came by and when they walked away after paying for the spot that talked trash about them, i just thought of how messed up that is. Its who someone is and theres nothing wrong.

I just know that when im older i can open up about it more, and maybe down the road itll be better that i waited to come out.

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Alec

my name is alec and i found out I'm bi when I was about 6 and I would have attractions to girls but then also a little into boys.. I never told one person and I decided at the beginning of this year 08-'09 school year to tell my closest friends I'm bi. They were all ok about it but kids at my school knew since last year and started making fun of me and I still get made fun of.

My best friend became my best friend since the first month of school and he never knew I had a huge crush on him till about two months ago. When I told him he said that he's not gay but we are cool. And once when he came over my house he sat in lap on the computer and our hands would touch around the mouse. I always thaught he was bi or gay because ppl called him that and he would act like it so I was hoping I had a chance and I ran home crying when I found out. I was so dissapointed and depressed and I still love him to this day. Idk how my future will turn out and my parents have
no clue.  

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Paul

Hi, my name is Paul and this year I'm 18 years old.

Unlike most I've had a pretty good childhood. I came out last year to my parents and 2 years ago to my close friends... It was recived well, though like everyone I did encounter quite a few bigots. I guess growing up I always did have the whole "fag" and "gay" insults chucked at me, even after dating a few girls, but, it really showed me who my true friends were. All I have to say here is that, being gay can be an absolutely fantastic thing, its all about your take on a situation and what people you surround yourself with. Being in the Art community and being a musician I'm surrounded by a lot of other gay people.. So I'm very lucky, though, still hopelessly single.

When I was in my mid teens, I had a very bad experience with a guy I was fooling around with.. He's still closeted today, but started spreading nasty exaggerated rumors of what I was doing to him. That year was probably the worst of my life and I honestly did feel like ending it all there, I spiraled into a particulary nasty depression... But I eventually snapped out of it coming to my final exams... All it takes is a right mindset when it comes to a bad situation to work your way out of it guys!
Theres always help available.

Paul.

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Haleigh

Hi my name is Haleigh and I'm 16 almost 17. i have had a very hard time in the last three months. i broke up with my boyfriend at the time, i had a baby, oh yeah and i finally came out of the closet. everyone at school thinks I'm a horrible person but i just cant help it. I'm in love with this girl. we have only been going out for three months but i love her to death.

Anyway the first time i figured out i was Bi was when my best friend stayed the night and well one thing led to another and well you know. That was about a year and a half ago and well i could not get that feeling out my system so i found out i was bi. Its hard at first to come to terms with it but i did in a very hard and bad way. i stared seeing this girl behind every ones back. my mom found out the hardest was she went thought my phone and read my text talking to my girlfriend and my mom was so mad she could not stand to be near me.

One good thing that did come out of all of this was that all my friends where supportive of me and i still talk to well most of them. Don't ever be afrade to tell people who you really are no matter what they say you will either stay good friends or get much better friends.

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Mitch

Hello, My name is Mitch, I'm 14 years old, and I'm a closet gay.

I live in a small town in Southern California and I go to the high school here. I'm kinda scared to come out and I don't know what to do. I have two great parents, but my dad has a bad temper and my mom is christian. I'm afraid about how they'll take it.

I think my friends will be OK with it, but I don't know anybody else how's gay. I would be the only open gay student at the whole school. I don't even know if I'm ready. 

My mom caught me once on the computer looking at a gay website and I got into quite a bit of trouble. I've been looking at this website for about 2 days and I hope it helps me cope with the stress. I'm not at the brink of suicide or anything like that, it's just that I feel I'm keeping a piece of me secret that I want to share, but can't. I'm stuck. I need to let go of the frustration.

Whenever someone calls me gay because of something I did that they think is stupid, it hurts a lot more than they think it does. Sometimes I wish I was like everybody else, liking girls and doing everything else "regular guys" do. But then I just remind myself that it's not my fault and more positive things like that.

Even now as I type this on my school computer, I'm worried someone is going to see what I'm writing and call me on it. It's a constant anxiety attack whenever I do something like this, looking over my shoulder and things like that. I just want acceptance from my family and friends, but I'm to worried about the outcome to take that chance. I don't want to accept this inferiority, but I don't have a choice. It's a vicious circle, but I just have to put up with it for now, or do I?

If you are worried about coming out, want to find social groups or just need someone to talk to about sexuality you can find help and resources for gay, lesbian, bisexual and unsure people here.  

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Chaise

i grew up as a normal child. i had all the crushes on girls that straight boys have when they're young, and i saw all the cute girls. it was only when i reached puberty and was able to get erections that i realized i was bisexual.

although i have the usual thoughts and feelings any boy has (she's real hot, ooh, nice boobs, etc.), but any time i saw or thought about an exceptionally trim or muscally boy, my body reacted, not just my brain. although my brain works better with girls, (and i am currently going out with the woman i love, who knows), my sexuality ranges better with guys, which is the erection part of me.

for the last twelve years, i went to a private school. as if the possibility of finding another gay person was small enough already, it was even smaller since i went to a school of only 200 people. adn on top of that, i'm jewish too. making it even harder to find someone to completely relate to. i only recently came to terms with the fact that i am gay/bi/whatever you want to call it, when i told the girl i currently go out with. she was ok with it, and that led to a strong relationship.
My name is Chaise, i'm 15, and i am proud to be gay, i see nothing wrong with it, and neither should you.

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Harper

Harper age 16. It all started back in the day i always felt attracted to other girls being a tom boy and all. But going into middle school that all changed for me. I saw other girls and grew up and wanted a change. I also started to like boys. At this point i was happier because i was feeling more like the other girls in my grade. I was always more popular but it wasn't ever hard for me to fit in considering i was a tom boy.  In 6th grade i became friends with this girl named Rebecca. Rebecca and i were in some classes together in 7th grade so we got even closer and closer.

Suddenly in 8th grade i started to fall in love with her. It was so hard i was so depressed and heart broken at first. I was so in love with her it kills me thinking about it now because it means nothing. I never saw a flaw on her, even her scent was amazing to me.  We had a lot of inside jokes and got so close. By that time i realized maybe this girl has feelings for me too because she acted like she did and i felt such strong vibes. She was just as obsessed with me as i was with her. Everyday shed call me right as i walked in the door from school.  And she wasn't like this to anyone else but me considering shes a very conservative person.

One day that very same year something that she did showed me that she actually had feelings for me. She was all over me. When we were at our friends house she asked me all these weird questions and was acting all strange. She asked me if i wanted her and i said yes. obviously...anyways nothing happened considering our friend was right upstairs. To this day it breaks me that i didnt do something about it.  I just recently got over her completely this year..but the only reason why is because i fell for someone else. She is Bi or lesbian one of those.
And i felt my self falling from her but couldn't pull away because once again shes my best friend. I can tell her but i dont want things to change between us considering were SO close. And she doesnt want a relationship again with a bestfriend because thats what she sees me as.

I still get with other girls..all the time. but i still get with guys too. But to this day I feel so complicated and its a difficult situation for me...im obviously bi but i grew up not believing you can be bi its one or the other. But overall i guess what im trying to say is you only live once..and if you get the chance take it...and a bit of advice...i still never told rebecca to this day i loved her or had feelings for her...but everyone else out there if you care about someone as much as i did dont be like me, and tell the person what your really feeling because no matter what you will still get something out of it in the end..your heart wont feel like its been ripped out anymore..and you will gain self confidence. -Harper

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Andre

Hi my name Andre

I am an mix Black and Hispanic 17year old boy, and i am one confused individual. I like girls and boy and think about them like 24/7. I can never get that question out of from the back of my head, i am straight, bisexual, or gay? i always been attraction to girls, pretty lips, long hair, and soft skin, But i have also always been attracted to boys, rough, strong arm, big hands and bright smiles.

When i was a little boy i never thought anything was wrong with the feelings i had towards boy and girls, it wasn't until i grew up that i realized that the feeling that i had toward boys was unacceptable to many of the people i know. I remember being 7year old and crying cause my older cousins would tease me and my aunt would say "boy shut up with all that crying before you grow up to become a sissy". and since then i was scared to let any of my feelings towards boys be known to anyone that i think could hurt me.

The first person in the whole world that i told was about 6 months ago. i told one of my best-friends [gavriella] about being attracted to boys knowing that she would except me no matter what. i told her over a txt message:] and then we talk about it later that day. i remember being more scared than i have ever been in my entire life. There was so much that i wanted her to know so we played the 21 questions game cause i was nervous and didn't know what to say. She asked me questions like what attracts me to boy, and i asked her more simpler questions so she could hurry and ask me more, it took the biggest weight off my back.

Later i went on to telling two of my cousins, my aunts[not the mean one],my mom[who thinks its just a phase], my other friend Ashley and her girlfriend, but I'm scared to tell my other best-friend Alicia seeing that I'm in love with her and i don't think she would approve and we would never have a chance to be together:( she has told once how people LIKE THAT were unholy and all that type of stuff and all said was uh ha yeah, and we left it at that.

I still don't have the answer to that question, but i have came to the conclusion to wait till i get out of high school to give everyone the answer, because high school is a jungle and i don't think I'm ready for that harsh criticism. so until then I'm only telling close friend i know i can trust with my secret, one person at a time:]

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James

I used to sit up  searching on my laptop under the covers, trying to find a solution to my problem , I'm gay. Before I didn't want to be gay and if I am completely honest a part of me still doesn't as life would seem to be  a lot easier if I wasn't. My story may not be as easy as some of the others but it's mine and image eye to share.

I'm 16 living in rural England . I first realized I was gay as early as 5 or 6,either way it was early . And until very very recently  I didn't want to be gay. I'm not religious so there was only societies view and what was "normal" which  made me feel that way. This constant image of a wife, 2 kids a dog and white picket fence is what I wanted and craved but obviously the rest of me didn't.

At times I would watch porn on the Internet or have a fantasy about someone at school, and at every one I  watched or experienced i would hate myself more, and cry and cut more. I had self- hated myself that I had considers suicide as young as 14, but I couldn't do it which seemed to fuel the fire as the cuts became deeper. Looking back I think I felt some kind of justifying high as I cut , feeling pleasure of knowing that what I was doing was ok because I was gay.

I'm not or ever was  an "emo" , on the contrary I was fun and bubbly. A*'s across the board and promised to go onto medical school, far to many friends to count , we went out to eat pizza, to bowling ,the cinema, but I was excelent at hiding my pain with fake smiles and wristbands, suffering in silence wishing and hoping I could be "normal".

In the last 2 years of my life people suspected I was gay , the feeling of other people knowing without you wanting them to know ,it seemed to cause a void in my chest makeing my stomach drop and heart rise into my throat..  But I could ignore the jeers and comments of peers , but not the ones inside my head.

So far I have told only one person I am gay and I broke down in front of her , confessing to her how I was ashamed , but she helped. I could vent theese feelings and after I told that one special person I felt better. She became my self harming  as I would tell her instead of letting the ideas manifest into self hate.

I have told one person but even that one person and sites such as this, slowly but surely, is helping me come to terms with being gay , I don't have the confidence to fully come out but I think that is a matter of time and someday I will.

AVERT has help and advice on finding help for depression, it's important to talk to someone if you are experiencing these feelings.

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Simon

I am 15 years old and this is my (weird) story.

It all probably started when I was in grade school, around fourth grade. I hung out with girls a lot especially this one girl who considered my best friend. People started saying that I was in love with her and I kept denying it. Well that went on till sixth grade, then since I kept saying I didn't like the girl who turned out to become the hottest girl in school, they called me gay. This I denied also because as far as I knew, I wasn't gay. This continued into seventh grade, when I started going through puberty. They eventual stopped calling me gay and moved on with there lives as they should have done in the first place.

I first suspected I was gay when I would watch TV and I would see hot guys and get a boner. I told myself it was because I wanted to be like them, and that is why I was attracted to them. (Trust me, I don't get the logic either, but I needed an excuse) Then I started masturbating, but when I did it it was when I was thinking about girls. Then I was curious and started looking up porn freshmen year. That's when I figured out I was more aroused by men then the girls. I just didn't feel anything when I thought about girls. I found it hard to notice girl when I am in the locker room and there are hot, muscular, tan, naked, guys showering behind me. (My god!)

I just kept on denying it though, because being gay wasn't an option. The guys in my school were ruthless and the torture would never end. My parents are homophobics, my moms side of the family are Christian, and my dad's side of the family are red neck country folk who don't even bring up the fact of being gay existing. So if I was gay, I would be my parent embarrassment and failure.

I continued to look at gay porn and continue to deny that I was gay. (I don't get it either) I eventually admitted it to myself quite recently. I am gay. Took me long enough to say it to myself, but I said it.

To keep myself sane, I tell myself that I will always be gay, but I will marry a girl and have kids and a family. I know I won't, but I need to say it to myself so I can keep myself sane. If I don't, I would have to accept that I will someday have to come out and admit it to my parents, and I can't deal with that right now. I am considering coming out to a friend so I don't go completely insane and maybe my sister, because she is totally into the whole free sexuality thing.

The main thing I want to say is, do not be like me! Don't lie to yourself and keep secrets about who you are. It only end in complications and heartbreak. Wish me (and my sanity) luck, be who you are and not who you are wanted to be.
~Simon

Need someone to talk to? we have links to helplines and resources for gay, bisexual, lesbian or unsure people

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Tyler

Hi My name is Tyler and I want to tell you my story....I am a 20 year old gay man from Portland Oregon...

I was born and raised in southern California with my single mom and my little sister. I never knew my dad he was in and out of prison ever since I was born. Anyways I started realizing I was gay when I was about 6 years old.  I thought it was just a faze but once I got older it never went away.

When I was 13 I moved to Portland Oregon and started a new school and different state, I didn't know anybody. A couple months later I met this girl that went to my school and she liked me a lot but I wasn't attracted to her, she was known as the "school slut" but every guy thought she was hot and I didn't want anybody to get the feeling I was gay so one day I went to her house after school and I lost my virginity to her. I did it because I thought if I slept with her I would become straight, but that never happend... She wanted me to come over again but I didn't want to, it didn't feel right...

That same year I met this boy in my PE class and we became very close, he was my best friend. He was the "trouble maker" and I liked that.. He was very nice to me and we had fun together. When I first saw him I was instantly attracted to him but I knew that he was "straight" so I didn't try anything.

After a couple months my feelings grew deeper and I starting to fall in love with him, he would come over to my house everyday and we would hang out. I wanted to tell him so bad that I loved him but I was too scared.. Fast forward 3 years later it was summer 2005 and I was 16 years old, Me and him were still best friends, one night me and him got really drunk and I had liquid courage and I told him I was gay, He didn't seem upset at all, so a couple of days later he kissed me and that kiss was the best kiss I was waiting for that for 3 years, and from that day we started dating..

I am very open with my mom she is my best friend she's not the "typical mom" she was the "cool mom", she was young and me and her had a lot in common. That summer I told her I was gay and she wasn't upset at all, she cried but she was just happy I was honest with her.. In school I had a lot of friends, I was very open with my sexuality that year and I guess I was one of the lucky ones because NONE of my friends left me, they were all very supportive. I mean I guess people would talk cr*p about me but I was confident in who I was and no one would bring me down..

The message I want to say is be happy for who you are and don't let people bring you down!! It is what it is.. A lot of us were born gay and NOBODY can tell us different.

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Frank

Hi

My name is Frank. I now live in California but have lived all my life until 8 months ago in a rural community in Indiana.  I am 50 years old, not young by most standards but feel my story could help some one.

When I was about 11 or 12 I was looking through a Sears catalog and seen some men modeling underwear.  It really excited me and after that I started noticing men's basket wherever I went.  I was brought up in a Christian home and always believed that Homosexuality was a terrible thing . I tried to change my feelings and wanted to be interested in girls like the other guys were starting to do but I just could not.  In high school about my Sophomore year I met a friend and we got together and masturbated together.  this went on for about a year and then he decided that he wanted a girlfriend like everyone else so we stopped meeting and we drifted apart.  After high school I went a Jr college and took some courses in general education.  Everywhere i looked there were men that i kept fantasying about but was afraid to let anyone know how I felt so I looked for full time work and dropped out of school.  When i was 23 I was so frustrated that I went to see a psychologist.  He told me that all men go through this stage in their lives and that some times it lasts longer fro some than others  he recommended dating girls and soon I would forget about men.   Wanting to be normal I took his advice and soon met a girl that I liked a lot we dated and ended up getting married.  Sex with her was OK, but I always felt unfulfilled.  I played the role of husband and father to the best of my abilities but eventually that was not enough and trouble between us began to get worse and we eventually divorced.

By this time I was established in a good position with a good company.  Moving away from the redneck rural community I lived in did not seem like a possibility.  I also had a young child that I did not want to leave so I stayed and lived the lie for twenty more years.  Then one day what I thought was the worst thing ever happened.  I lost my Job of 35 years.  The company closed and now I was out of work and a child in college.   I started emailing and calling my Uncle in California which I had learned two years prior that he was gay also.  He gave me a lot of good advise on what to do but I was still afraid to make any major move or change. I eventually found a low level low pay job as a messenger.  I worked there for 2 years  Then one year my uncle and his partner invited me to go to Puerto Vallarto with them.  I went and seen 1st hand how free I felt to be open about being gay.  It felt like fr the 1st time in my life I was a complete person not part what I thought I should be and part what I was.  I was me a kind and compassionate man that was gay.  I was not a pervert or a monster  I was just me.  It felt good.

During our vacation  my uncle and his partner offered for me to come to California and stay with them until I could get established.  So when I went back home I out my home up for sale and moved to California.  I have been out here for 9 months and have made some new friends and found work.  I am happy to be here starting over as myself with no pretenses  I have told my son that I am gay and he has accepted that openly.  I feel a freedom now that I never felt before in my life.  I still have not met anyone special yet but I know if and when I do it will be wonderful and complete.

My advice to anyone out there that is still in the closet is to come out  and be yourself.  Do not waste your life like I did pretending to be happy living a lie.  It serves no purpose.  Live your life the way your creator mad you and do not feel embarrassed or ashamed because there is no shame in being honest.

Hope you find some good in this letter and that it helps someone.

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