A selection of stories about coming out, written by different people from all around the world and sent to AVERT.
Avert.org also has information about resources, youth groups, helplines etc. for those who are lesbian, gay, bisexual or unsure.
If you would like to add your personal story to this page, please
Ryan
Hay guys my name is Ryan today i am going to tell you my story how i come out.
This is how it goes, when i was in year 8 i fancied someone in my year [...] someone in my class said to me that he is gay, and then we were seeing each other. Then everyone in my year was calling me gay and i was getting abused. I had that going on for 3 years and when i got into year 10, I was inspired by glee and waterloo road to just tell everyone that i am gay. It was in the half team that i said i was gay, when we got back to school i have a lot of name call, but by the end of the week everyone accepted me for who i am. Still now i am getting name calling at me, but i just didn't say nothing back to him because that is who I am so just accepted it. After a few months I had someone eles come to me and said that he is gay too. I asked him why u telling me? why don't you tell everyone else? Then he said back, because I want to tell you, you have come out to everyone and I want you to help me do it- So I did help him.
But then he asked me out I said yes, we went out for 2 years then he dumped me. That day he dumped me I was going to kill myself, but my best friend saw then my letter I sent to my mum, and he said to himself that he know's which place I was going to kill myself. He told me that it will be fine, but I said to him, it will not be fine, he mean's a lot to me.
When I went back to school I had everyone coming up to me and asking "why did u do that?", I said because he meant a lot to me and I had no life left. But now I have a new boyfriend that is nice to me he will help me when I ask him to. But the one I went out with for 2 Years he was the best one I had, but now he has got a new bf and when I see him in the streets he look at me every time we see each other, and now the bf that I have will say with me for ever...
AVERT.org: If you have experienced anything mentioned in this story, please take a look at our Help and Advice page for further details of organisations who can help: http://www.avert.org/help.htm
Kaylie
I am 23 [...] and a lesbian,
I have always thought of myself strait until i was about14, then i started watching lesbian porn movies. i would watch strait porn and even gay porn but both ideas not only NOT turn me on, they made me sick. then i started to look at girls passing me at walmart and in the hallways at school and they turned me on. once i came clean with myself, i realized i had a crush on my best friend. every day that passed the passion grew stronger untill i was in love i decided to tell her one night at a sleepover. it was just me and her at my house. i looked her in the eye and told her i loved her. her face lite up and she told me she felt the same way. i was so happy. the next day i told my parents. they were a little shocked but accepted me and loved me. then together we told our closest friends and they were nothing but supportive. i then lead a very happy and fulfilling live and she is still my girlfriend i love her so much because even through i cant walk she loves me and helps me with any thing and every thing.
Advice for others, the sooner you come clean the sooner you will get the chance to love and be happy.
Mo
Hey I am nearing 30 and I decided to write this story because I was looking up useful websites for young people to access when thinking about their sexuality (I work in a Support Centre). The stories on this website inspired me to tell my own.
Looking back I always thought I was different, I was a complete tomboy and totally disinterested in boys. I went to university and had a couple of short relationships with boys before I met my boyfriend. He made me mostly happy for 5 years (I used to go out and kiss girls blame it on the drink and apologise) and when he proposed I said yes, thinking that the unsettledness I was feeling was because I wanted to get married. We moved into our own flat and started planning the wedding.
7 months before the big day I went on holiday, a week in France, snowboarding. that was when I first saw her... she was amazing. I had to come home and face the truth I am gay and I could not marry the boy no matter how much I love and respect him. The next weekend I went through to my parents and spent a long time with my mum explaining why I felt I was gay and how I could not go through with the wedding, she kept asking if I was sure and I was and I am! My dad asked me what was wrong and I said I couldn't go through with it because I was gay, he said Gosh and hugged me to let me know it was alright. My friends were thankfully all really great about it, my brother had the best reaction ‚ Ah! that explains the girls rugby!‚LOL.
Telling my fiance was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It felt like I could see his heart breaking and mine broke with it. We ended on good terms and he is happy with his new girlfriend.
Fast forward two and a half years from meeting the most amazing girl in the world and I have moved across the country, bought a flat, and married her. It has been 3 months since I married my soul mate and I could not be happier! Coming out was the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done but the benefits outweigh the initial suffering. I admit I was lucky my mates all said they knew already when I told them, and I thought I was subtle, ooops.
Go for it guys and girls find what is right for you and make yourself happy no one else can do it for you... :)
Britttney
Hey my name is Brittney.
I have always be around people that are gay or bi. It never dawned on me that i might be one of those. I have always had a attraction towards girls, but i have been dening it my whole life. Cause i have been around people who hate homosexuality.
I realized that i was a lesbian when i was talking with my best friend from like 1st grade, and she started talking about how she was confused as well. I did not think anything of it until the day after that when we were talking about a time back in elementary school. We were alone in a little log think and i had the feeling of kissing her, but of course i did not want to freak her out. Well it turns out she had the exact same feeling. I knew then that i have loved her for a very long time.
It was hard to come out, I have only came out to a current few. My cousin, my sister, my parents, and then the best friend. Even though, i have come out to them i was still unhappy cause i was still dening the fact that i was a lesbian. i even tried to get into a relationship with a guy. Being with him made me realize that i have no attraction towards guys at all. So today i am thinking about coming out to a small group of my friends about what i am.
It has been a struggle for a while now, but i feel like i am finally getting through it
Jake
I'm a senior man, who has lived a lie all his life. Married (love the wife) and conceived 2 children who are now grown up into fine citizens! Wife and I continue to get intimate occasionally! Have had a few intimate male encounters in my life and always have the itch for more! But never want to hurt all the people who I love and depend on me!
On one hand it has been very a satisfying life raising children and being a family man. Love being a Grandpa and if I would have taken the other road I would have missed all that experience.
I know it is a very difficult decision for everyone to make. I think I made the right one. But the desire to be with a man has always been there and still continues so in my senior years.
Gabe
I am Gabe i live in Germany. I moved here from England and before that i lived in Iceland. My dad is in the military.
I am 13 and i found out i was gay a long time ago. It wasn't until i was 12 i let my self believe it. And since then i have been very alone and sad i would cry so hard that everyone got really worried i was about to kill myself because my eyes would always be blood shot. I like to act and cheer. I am a guy so you can see how much i would get made fun of because of it the sad part was that none of them would ever watch me act and the ones who did were amazed on how good i was.
I just came out to my friends and they wouldn't talk to me for weeks and the girls actually cried and i felt horrible. at that point i felt more alone then ever i came really quite close to killing myself until one of them came out to me that he was bi. he honestly saved my life. Now i am doing just fine and the ones who wouldn't talk to me are now more closer to me then ever.
Gary
I remember as a teen watching straight porn & how it turned me on & I would go to topless bars when I was 18 but in the back of my mind I was always curious so I started watching bisexual porn & to me that was even more fascinating than the straight porn. I would tell myself "I'm not gay" because I always heard people including family & friends talk about homosexuality in a negative context.
So I tried to suppress my feelings but at the same time I was experimenting sexually with guys. At this time in my life, I was living with my male cousins & knew they wouldn't understand so I remained closeted. But at the same time, it was eating me up inside. One day, I just couldn't take it any more so I drove to my parents house & when I got there, I was crying. My parents looked at me & said "What's wrong?" I said "I'm gay." & my father replied, "So what?" & my mother just sat there very quietly & I knew she was disappointed.
My father told me he didn't care if I was gay or not & that he still loved me. My mother told me that this wasn't the life she would have chose for me & said that it would be a very hard life. My mother is a very religious person, so I know she had a hard time with it but she also loves me very much. I told them not to tell anyone else in the family. Some time after that, my brother kept asking me questions about my personal life because I told him I was going out to nightclubs but didn't tell him that they were gay nightclubs.
When he would ask me questions about going out, I was very vague with him so that he wouldn't suspect my true sexual orientation. He finally told me, "Let's go to the park, just me & you" & I replied, "Ummm, ok". We sat down on the picnic table & he basically told me that he would love me no matter what & asked me if I was gay & I said yeah. I was really surprised how accepting he was of my "lifestyle". I've expressed an interest in telling the rest of the family....aunts, uncles, cousins,...to my brother but said that I was afraid in telling them! I was afraid what they would think of me if they knew I was gay. He told me "Who cares what they think." I think I'm afraid to tell them because some of them are very religious & might not accept me for who I am. I came out to my parents that tearful day at the age of 24.
Champagne
I am 15 and i am bi. I have not told my parents yet because they hate homosexuals. One day my friend came over and I told her that I was bi. She was so happy because she liked me since we met at school. I was so happy that she liked me and understood. We were talikng and my parents were at my door and heard her say that she was bi and they kicked her out of the house. They told me never to speak to her again. I love her a lot. I told a few of my friends and they know if I told my parents they might kick me out. So I decided to tell them this weekend since I'm going over my cousin's house. I hope that they see that I am still them same person that they raised, just a little different. So I hope that when I tell them that I have a lot of support from my friends, my cousin, and my lover. I hope that they understand and still accept me as their daughter.
Ash
Hey, I’m Ash and I’m 15, I came out to my mum around Christmas when we were chatting and the subject turned over to homosexuality, she said that she had no problem with gays as she has many gay/lesbian friends. I found this comforting and the words flew out of my mouth that I was gay. She found this hard to believe at first, thinking that I was joking, but I told her that it was far from a joke and I was being serious. She ignored me for a while after that. However, when I came home from school one day, she sat me down and said she was fine with me being gay and she'd love me for who I am.
The next challenge was telling my friends, I had been worrying more about this since I had no idea about their reactions. I pondered on the issue and it seemed to be a never-ending problem. On one hand they could accept it and I could be myself, and on the other hand, they could hate me for it. A Very good friend told me that if they were my real friends, they wouldn’t have a problem with it and me being gay wouldn’t matter at all.
It was in one lesson, that one of my friends was talking about girls that i finally decided to tell him, his reaction was the same as my mums, but soon, he said that he was cool with it. This gave me confidence to come out to more people, and now I can be myself, instead of someone else trapped inside my body
To anyone who’s thinking of coming out, think of the negatives and the positives before doing anything, maybe consider whom may be more accepting
Ashx
Quincy
Hey. My name is Quincy and I have no idea what else to do. Its like I have created a second person almost with hiding my true sexuality. I'm always going around saying how people need to be real and stop lying but I think I might need to start living up to my advice.
I don't like labels at all and at one point I thought about not having a sexuality at all. Like I really just think too much and over analyze things and be intellectually ignorant so I don't have to face the real problem here. I come from a family that values Christian morals, church going etc. very much. Homosexuality is out of the question. I hear people saying things like they should die and they are going to hell and all other horrid things. It makes me so mad and so sad that I can’t even be true to my family. My own blood! Life sucks right now.
As a result of not accepting myself, I have become one of those people who need to always be cautious of how I act and how I come off. If somebody is playing around or "acting gay" I shove it off as if I am uncomfortable because I wouldn't wanna play along and get ideas going. If somebody asks me If I'm Gay? I will get angry.
That's the thing. I'm irritated very easily and it does not take much to piss me off to be honest. I am very brutish in speech and in manner sometimes and its not a very attractive quality so I am sometimes very quiet and reserved because I am just tired of being mad. I know how to have a good time and laugh and talk but this is killing me inside and I can’t tell my family or friends.
I'm already brutally honest about how I feel overall but I lie so much when it comes to sexuality, in words and action. The worse part is I don't want it to be true that I'm gay because life is so much easier it seems, but these days yeah right. You cant even tell when you're gonna take your last breath.
I usually appear as a confident, strong-headed, no nonsense individual with a laid back, humorous side but I deep down inside I am soooooooooooo scared and lonely and depressed. The worst part about this is I know my mom will probably disown me. :(
Rick
I was 4 years old, when I knew of this "difference." What I also knew what that that this "difference" wasn't okay. As a south Asian male, living in western Canada, I was the "minority within a minority." Throughout my entire childhood I kept this aspect of "me" silent, not even considering myself a part of the gay community.
There were a lot of pressures associated with this "silence” First, in order to do this, I had to try to fit something complete foreign to me, which was the stereotypical heterosexual male in western society. I did the things my friends did: I played sports, I teased girls in early childhood, and when I got into high school, I chased after girls.
However, there was a big barrier to this strategy. Because fitting this expected image was completely opposite to my true internal identity, it never felt right. I chased girls, but never wanted to. I guided my education, thinking that I needed to eventually provide for a family. I never felt like I wanted to support a family, well not a heterosexual one.
Because I never felt successful in this image, because it just didn't "feel right." But because I didn't have the space to freely explore the opposite, I felt extreme pressure to conform. Eventually I needed to cope, so I started using. It helped for a short while, but wore off quick. Eventually it only caused me grief.
Eventually the pressure of having this secret and trying to "perform" this image was too much. I needed to find someone safe to tell and I had to get it out in the open. Looking at all of my friends, I started to look at people I knew that would support me in this.
What did this mean?
Well I started by creating a list of places that I felt safe and connected.
For example:
School (I had a teacher that was always accepting me and trying to help me, even when I would fail some of his assignments)
My best friends place (I always could go to his place, no matter what time and no matter what I did. He would always welcome me in)
My youth clinic (The doctor here was awesome. No matter how I showed up to his office; drunk or high, he would let me in and be totally cool.)
Youth centre (they were always accepting - I mean it's their job! Also, I have seen pride flags in their office. So, I knew they would be cool. And my youth clinic is there too!)
I weighed all of the people and places I felt safe and connect and decided to tell someone. But before that, I needed to put in some serious thought. I needed to think of first, how would I feel right after I told someone? What would I feel the next day? What would I feel the next week even?
Also, how would I feel right after, the next day, or the next week, if I didn't say anything at all?
Eventually, after weighing all of the safety concerns and how much I needed to come out, I decided to tell me doctor.
Thank God for his reaction. He said he suspected it for some time and was waiting to see if I would "come out." For the next couple of week, we talked a lot about what I had gone through before coming out. It felt great to actually talk about it.
When I told him it was tough trying to fit something else, he asked me "Well, what do you think fits you?"
I had never thought about this and now that I was asked, I was kind of excited that I could think about it. I started to explore all of the things I wanted to do, because for once, I had an area of my life that I wasn't pressured to fit something else. I was free to explore what I wanted, and now that I knew that I was accepted somewhere, I had support to back me up!
The rest is history folks. I am now a youth counsellor and work on programs for LGBT youth. It's a lot of fun and a lot of pressure. But I do well with pressure: I mean, I had to freakin deal with it for so many years. I ought to be good at dealing with it by now!
For people in or out of the close I say this, "just because you are in, you are not weak." It takes strength to live with the pressures associated with being in the closet. There is a lot at stake: family, friends, livelyhood, and even personal safety. Always think of your safety when deciding what to do with your sexuality. What will happen now or later and who will be most affected?
All the power to you.
Take care everyone and best of luck!
Kelsey
My name is Kelsey. I’m 15 years old. God is a HUGE part of my life. I guess you could call me a “Jesus freak,” most of the people I know classify me as that.
I’ve known I was attracted to girls FOR SURE for about four years. It tore me up inside, knowing that I was a lesbian and keeping it quiet, but at the same time hearing all of my best friends, who are my church friends, make homophobic slurs hurt more.
Lately, I have felt like God has really been talking to me. About two weeks ago I came to this epiphany that, even though I’m not straight, God would always love me.
Two days ago, I was the Lay Reader at my church. I had this gut feeling that I would have to read a Bible verse that in some way pertained to homosexuality. The fact that the verse was about homosexuality was a very big push for me and I took that as a direct sign from God, be that the case or not.
Yesterday, I was in the car with my mom. We were driving to Barnes and Noble, and I mentioned to her that I was planning on taking part in the Day of Silence at my high school. After I had explained to her what that was, she asked me if “by any chance” I was gay. I told her that you don’t have to be gay to do the Day of Silence, but even if I was I didn’t think it mattered. She agreed, but still wanted to know. So I just told her. I was shaking from head to toe. After we got past the immediate awkwardness of the moment, everything seemed ok. We even started to joke about it.
My sister has known for awhile about my sexuality, and I have cousins who know, and I think one even told the rest of my family in a drunken stage that he was in. I was annoyed at first with this, but at least I don’t have to do it now.
The hardest thing for me to do was to accept myself. Being surrounded constantly by people that hate you, but don’t even know they hate you yet is hard. I’ve only come out to two of my church friends, both girls. They accepted it fully and wholly and love me even more for it. I know the rest won’t accept me the same way.
I’m thankful for the loving family that I have. I wouldn’t trade them for the world, and I wouldn’t change who I am or who I love. Ever.
Anon
I'm 21 and a lesbian. I came all out about 4 months ago. Coming out for me was extremely difficult, I had always been interested in girls but never faced the truth. Eventually I met someone and things just fell right into place. I was on top of the world and finally felt like myself. The only problem was that I couldnt share my happiness with the people I loved. I was ashamed to be myself. And afraid of rejection and my friends distancing themselves from me. But I went all out and told my best friend, which then led to my parents, brothers, other friends. I am now closer to everyone. I have developed bonds with my friends and family that is stronger than its ever been. Go for it. Don't be afraid. If people decide they dont want to be your friend anymore they were never your friend in the first place. Life is entirely too short to stay hidden in a closet. Embrace life, and learn to love. I never knew love was such an amazing feeling until I let myself do it. Life is perfect.
Greg
Hi, my name is Greg and I’m 20. I was around 14 when I realize that I’m gay. The first people that I told my news to was my closest friends in high school, they all accepted it very well, and almost forgot all of my closest friends in high school were girls, after I came out to them one of my friends came to me that she’s a lesbian. At every lunch hour we all talked about guys.
The next group of people that I came out to was the football team and the coaches, I played high school football for 3 years. They all accepted my sexuality really good too and the football team liked the news because there is more homophobic people in the school than gay-friendly people, so the football team now has someone to protect at school. So shortly after I came out to my friends and my team mates, I came out to the entire school and people tried to “gay bash” me but it didn’t happened to me because of the football team had my back but no one really cares about my sexuality because people don’t want to mess with the football team. So I was well protected for the rest of my high school years.
Now I’m working towards coming out to my parents.
Wayne
The absolute WORST way to tell your parents that you're gay or bi is through anger. Nothing good can come of it. I learned this the hard way, unfortunately.
My parents and me were arguing about something (I honestly don't remember what it was), and it was kind of my way of getting at them by telling them. I was younger then, certainly more foolish. For the first month after I told them, my dad wouldn't talk to me, and my mom kept telling me to put my faith in God so that he'd fix me.
Accordingly, I stopped really communicating with my parents. I used to tell my mom everything, and me and my dad would talk about how our days went, just random stuff like that. After all of it stopped though, they eventually came and apologized to me for having treated me so badly about it.
This is what my mom told me: "We're old Wayne. This is a completely new concept for us. You're just going to have to give us time to accept it, is all. We love you very much, and don't ever doubt that."
So, in the end, it all worked out pretty well I'd say.
Makale
I am 21 and being a lesbian in the state of Utah is difficult. I was raised in a Mormon household. I have all sisters and I graduated with only 50 kids in my class. Lesbians were kind of unheard of in my small town. I was in denial almost the entire time I was in high school. I would find myself checking out girls, but I wouldn't admit to myself that I was doing that because I was attracted to them. It wasn't until I had my first love with a girl named Lindsey my freshman year in college that I knew I could be happy with accepting me. Since we broke up, I'm getting insecure again. BUT I am holding my head high and trying to be more out. My first big move is being the LGBT president on campus. When the college has a meeting with all the presidents from other clubs, I make sure I am the most classy, polite girl there.
I first came out to my sisters first when I was 18. They are all very supportive. My dad is sad because he thinks me being with a guy would be more beneficial, I haven't exactly said, "Dad I'm a lesbian" but he knows. My mom is sad because I don't think she wants people to know she has a gay daughter. They still love me, I am the same girl they raised, and I try to make them proud in other ways.
I think that sometimes the hardest thing is to accept yourself, but once you do, it will make you happier. I remind myself everyday that it is not wrong to love another human being. God put us on this earth to love, we should be proud we can love just as strong as anyone else, if not stronger.
Coming out to friends and family is a huge step. I feel it is good to make sure the timing is right. Even waiting til your out of the house and on your own, unless you feel it would be better for you to do it sooner. I just know that with me, coming out at the age that I did allowed my parents to have more excuses for it such as it was just a phase or I as doing it for attention. It has became lots better in the last three years. The dating here sucks though, but if I exist, then someone out there has to be similar. Keep your chin up!
Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.
