A selection of stories about living with HIV and AIDS, written by men from all around the world and sent to AVERT.
Avert.org also has stories from women and young people living with HIV, from friends and relatives of people who have HIV, as well as stories from around the world.
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Har.t
Hi frnds, I am Har.t.
i live with HIV possitive Virus.
One Year ago(2010), I doneted my blood in collage blood donation camp & after 15 days, Doctor called me
"you are HIV Possitive, , , , " So, i am feel very sad.
Raj
i'm bisexual and didn't had much friends in college.
i found that finding a gay is very easy rather than finding a girl.i started meeting more and more guys from the age of 20.
I was a carrer oriented guy then,in spite of being highly educated and updated,i done sex with guys without protection.I never bothered much.
The bad news came to me,when i was selected for a fantastic job offer from abroad and i had to undergo a medical test to get VISA. i was very confidant of getting VISA, the news that shocked me is the call from clinic that my all tests are clear except,HIV test for which i was tested positive. i denied it and went to other hospitals for checkup.After 3 consecutive test,it was confirmed that i have HIV positive.
My weight started reducing gradually and i was feeling tired most f times.
My ambitions,my dreams,my carrer all ended with this incident,its been a
month but still i'm in trauma.
i cannot face my parents,although they knew it and are supportive, but
still.
Marco
I broke up with my girlfriend half year ago and i was depressed for several weeks. I drank a lot since that day and used to have sex with anyone who want to have sex. I didn't even care if i might be infected with HIV, I even wanted to see how HIV look like. Then, I was diagnosed with HIV + a month ago.
I did have protected sex but i don't know how i got it. Perhaps the girls tried to infect it to me? I drank more from that day and couldn't sleep. I was stupid but accept my destiny. God bless me and everyone who live with HIV and those who is HIV negative, don't ever try. When you were down, don't be alone, share with your love one.
Chukwu
The Year was 2006 when I decided to seek medical attention for some anal warts I had had for some time. As part of a number of investigations, the doctor included an HIV screening. Well, sad thing--it came out positive. And I felt horrible--like I had gotten my death sentence. I am gay and HIV positive--a bad combination especially in a country like Nigeria where either has great social and civil stigmata associated with it.
I confided in my family who were very supportive and have since then treated me like the weak sheep who needs tender loving care. I have been on ARVs since June 2008 when my CD4 fell to 191cells/dl. Now I have a CD4 of 760cells/dl. My anti-HIV drugs are an important part of my life.
The Healthworkers at the Health facility are also very nice and encouraging, and inspire me to comply with my meds.
I am presently 24 years and the healthworkers at the facility are constantly educating me on safe sex practices because they know I'm that age of sexual activity and adventure, but I cannot share my sexual preferences with them because I fear what their reaction would be: horror, I presume.
I am sorry if my being gay offends you, and then you probably think : 'serves him right', but that's ok, I've faced far too great discrimination both actually and emotionally that I wouldn't mind that at all. I only wish there was some form of arrangement where I could meet persons who share my sexual and 'retroviral' profile, so that I can at least have some chance at a happy, satisfying union.
Seattle
I was diagnosed a little over 0ne year ago. I was and am still very angry but the problem is, who can I be angry at? I know where I contracted the virus. The sex was amazing and always protected. The last time he and I were intimate, I was the bottom and after he got off he pulled out and his face turned white, and he just stared down at his dick. I asked him wha was wrong and he said nothing and went to the bathroom. He came out freshly showered and smiling, we made lunch, sat together at the table, enjoyed the company of each other. After we were doing the dishes together and he started telling me a story of a boyfriend from the past. Long story short, he loved this man for 8 years and that man loved many others too in those 8 years! He then told me that he is HIV+, has been for 10 years. WHAT!!! I was so shocked! Shocked he chose to be intimate with somebody without disclosing his status! Shocked because he then told me that after he came, he pulled out, that the condom had broke and he ejaculated inside of me! 3 months later I was checked in at the ICU with a Macrobiotic infection, and Pneumonia. The next day was given a blood test looking for different things I suppose. Later that night the nurse came in with a stack of papers and a very sad look on her face. I asked about my test results and she said that my HIV test came back positive. I am only 27. The saddest part is, he went on as if nothing happened, opened up his coffee shop, its turned out to be very successful. Never an apology, never a word from him. Still to this day I haven't heard a word from him.
Mark
I was just diagnosed being HIV positive a few days ago, after I decided to go for a blood test at the pharmacy. Wow,I almost fainted,when the nurse gave me my result, I said ''do it again''
It was positive, I was devastated, I cried..........I was so emotional. I thought, why God? Why did you do this to me? I felt robbed of my life, I thought of death. I am still trying to cope with the fact, that I have the virus, just been diagnosed a few days ago.
How do I feel, depressed, sad, l, lonely. But God will be my ANCHOR, and my family!!! I need all the support I can get..
My longtime girlfriend, will be tested this week,and I don’t know how I am going to deal with that outcome, I feel as if I have betrayed her, I love her, and her mom and dad were cross in the beginning.
i am going to the Doctor today, to do more blood tests, I want to live my life!!! I am only 41 I am trying to be positive, this is all new for me!!
God bless you all
Mark
Charles,
hi there my name is Charles, im an African guy who came to England in 2008, i found out about my status wen i came to this country as i was supposed to go for all blood tests, i had never b4 had 1 in ma life, to my surprise the results came back positive, i was so worried and confused as me and my girlfriend had just had a beautiful young baby boy in 2007, apparently my girlfriend went for tests wen she was pregnant and the results came negative so i was so shocked, i haven’t told my family for fear of the stigma surrounding HIV in the African people. i have learned to deal and accept my condition im now on meds as my cd4 count was very low, but i refuse to let disease take control of my life, i wanna live my life 2 da fullest and work hard for da better future of ma son coz he is da only thing i dearly love!!! thanx to the UK government for making the HIV meds available i have never been ill although sometimes im so emotional and think why me, but to all those with this disease lets pull together and fight it!!!! we can be what we wanna be with or without it!!!
RORO
Hi Guys everyone who can read this amazing story.
My name is Manolo I am a latin guy who has been enjoying hos life since I discovered I was HIV positive. I am 29 years old When I got tested I was in shock to know that my life will be destroy for being positive. I felt so horrible to know that my plans for the future will no be achieved. But i was wrong .In the begging for everyone is difficult but I have to tell you that this is a big lesson for all of us who has been having a no good sexual life. We all learn from our experiences. But I am here working hard and being very optimistic. My life wont be over since My doctor told me that I dont need the treatment which made me feel so good Since my CD4 was very high. My boyfriend is HIV negative and I am HIV positive. I have to say that for him and for my family I am being very strong and very happy. If you have this virus in your body dont feel sad come one guys this is no the end of the world. Look at around you there are people who still need you people who love you who want to see you smiling. I think the same way. God knows why things happen but remember He just want to see how strong you are, when God sees that He will make you much stronger in your life. Dont let the HIV you make you SAD no guys say this as I always say this virus wont destroy my life I am strong enough and there are people aroung me who need me. The best drugs for our treatment is this smile be optimistic grateful to God and happy to see your family and eat well and no have to stress . We are all still amazing people no matter if we have HIV its no the end of the world remember that.
I know I have HIV but i always says this everyday today is another amazing day and I will be happy for the rest of my life and I will make more plans for my future since nothing will make me feel sad. I wont let HIV destroy my life I will fight with this virus EVERYDAY BY BEING HAPPY AND TO KNOW THAT PEOPLE WHO KNOW ME THEY NEED ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
GOD BLESS ALL YOU GUYS AND WHEN YOU FEEL SAD TALK TO GOD AND TALK TO YOURSELF I AM STILL ALIVE AND I WILL BE ALIVE FOREVER
Anthony
I am a 47 year old Italian guy from Staten Island NY. I have been living with this disease for 15 years going on 16. I was diagnosed in 1996 and from 1996-2000 I was in so much denial I ran the streets as I had before smoking crack and just wanting to get high and higher, because I thought if I was going to die, I was going to die happy and high. So I thought.
After 4 years I saw I was still here and healthy, so to speak. I decided to get help for my addiction and get educated about HIV/AIDS. I am happy and yes even proud to say that I have been clean from the drug of my choice for 6 going on 7 years and have been an HIV/AIDS Outreach Worker, Educator and Test Counselor for the same number of years and still am. I have also been a member of many groups within the government of New York: HIV/AIDS Planning Council, Advisory Group to the Planning Council, HIV/AIDS Advocate, Human and Civil Rights Advocate. I have found my passion and knowingnow that it is not a death sentence, just a change of life, I can go out and spread the word that, "WE CAN LIVE" and live a very happy, productive life.
I have been addicted to crack for 12 years and lost everything: my job, my partner after 8 years, my home but mostly myself. I am back now with alot of thanks to many, but mostly to myself because it was me who willing and chose to get the truth and I did. I will persevere in this fight to educate and fight for the rights of HIV/AIDS people and all people who are treated unjustly........ I have never been more content and happy than now.
It is now 2011, going on 47 and it is going to be 15 years that I am living with this illness. I am in control of it. It has no control over me. Still extremely happy and content with a positive attitude. Still clean from drugs going on 11 years and still in the field of Social Services. I went back to college and earned a degree which landed me job as a Case Manager focusing on HIV/AIDS where I assisted in housing many homeless, educating the uneducated or misinformed, feeding the hungry, counseling and assisting many in getting their lives back from a life of hopelessness.
Education has been in my blood for many years where I started out at 22 years of age with the Board of Education of the City of New York working with the Special Education Community. As the years passed and after my sordid life experience I saw all the injustices and that is when I started my journey towards Human and Civil Rights for ALL, lobbying, educating and counseling. I am here and I am NOT going anywhere. People who know me and the work that I do know they can, at any time, call on me for assistance and so can you!
Jody
I was infected at 17 years old by my second boyfriend. After being in that relationship for about 6 months or so this fellow told me that he loved me and that we didnt need to use condoms anymore. The sex was so good that I can still remember it to this day in more than one way.
Looking back nearly 13 years later and still healthy with only a diagnosis of HIV Positive; I see that all of the signs were there had the education from my school, family, or myself been better on sex as well as the diseases it could transmitt; but when I asked him certain questions in reguards to illnesses he was having during our relationship and before my first infection occurred he had an answer for everything that was to me then quite logical.
I was 18 before it was official with an western blot test for hiv which only came after being sick with mono like symptoms, receiving a false positive from American Red Cross, and turning 18 years old. During this time where I had been a Heathier boy i began to loose weight and feel different in both my mind and my body, began lashing out at my self, my parents, friends, partners, and so forth.
Today I know that Early detection and ALL PREVENTION are the keys to stopping the spread of this disease as well as EDUCATION. Take it from me " Wrap it UP"
Jody 29 male
Covina, CA
I was a homosexual senior in high school at the age of 17; alot of my school mates had a significant other and those who did not were sexually active. but as a homosexual it was hard for me to find a partner. i grew very frustrated that i was not sexually active. I grew tired of always having to ejaculated alone and so my search started.
One night a friend of mine and I were drinking at her house she introduced me to this "party line" were people within your surrounding area would call and have phone sex. We laughed about this! We kept drinking and fooling around on the phone with other guys. As soon as I arrived home, I decided to call another party line. Just so we would not bump into each other.
I began calling this line about once a week, every week for about 2 months and just as fast as I got tired of ejaculating alone I got tired of this phone sex, I wanted the real thing!
I was home alone, under the influence and told a guy I have been talking to on the line for about 2 weeks if he wanted to come over, and of course he accepted the offer. We were drinking for about I would say 20 minutes I had no control over myself and I let him take advantage of my body. Right after he was done, he began dressing himself.
About 2 months after graduation I decided to get an HIV test, and about 2.5 weeks after being tested I received a call from the clinic :( they wanted ME! to come in :( I received the news, I had tested HIV positive.
At first I cried! and cried!! why me? I was still 17. I haven't even started college, I don't even own a car I haven't lived my life yet! and I thought I never will.
I began telling people I was HIV + I lost a few friendships but it was okay. I know everything will be okay those who have been with me since the very beginning will love me just the way I am.
I am Soldier from up above, see it as a blessing i thank god everyday for being able to see my mom my dad my sister my family and friends and to know that they are okay and living.
Being 18 and HIV + has made me be more mature, i now see people as individuals whether you are HIV + or not you have a story to tell. you are yourself! never let anyone put your down for + for being gay, for being different. you have to look at your surroundings. we may never see the light of day so live your life to the fullest!
You are loved someone out there loves you. You are meant to live you are the architect to your own destiny.
I know everything happens for a reason. I AM 18! IM GAY! I CARRY THE HIV VIRUS! I AM STRONG! AND I AM LIVING!!!!!!!!!!
Soulman
i found that i was hiv positive about five months ago,,, true be told i was not upset nor angry,,, i told my girlfriend she was so supportive,,,, even when i was sick she was there day and night...... being hiv posite is not the of the world and it does not kill people,,, what kills people is the attittude they have on it
when i found out i was afraid of telling my mother,,, but when i got sick my girlfriend persuaded me to tell her and finally she did it for me.... and just as she had it she was so supportive and i,m living a perfectly good life,,,,,
so to evryone out there if you have hiv don't loose hope and your dreams because of a virus rather do everything in power to defeat it,,, if you needs a friend i'm can be one,,,,,, cause i know nothing that strenthing you than a person who have what you have......
i myself i even call it a virus i call my knew life style cause you become a health freak,,,, you alwayz want to eat right.......
life is good,,,,,, and one last thing is knowing that god is watchin you and knows what you want..... i don't recent myself one bit,,,,, cause this hiv made me look at life differently,,,,, in a positive way........
and yah am 21 years by thereway
Kain
I've been positive for 14 years i am 34 now.
I was very frightened when i first got the news i was dating a guy who i didn't really know and he was very callous and knew of his status; i think thats what messed me up in the head the most when i realized it was that guy who infected me. I was at university when i got the news and living away from home. I had to carry on regardless at uni although i think friends were concerned when i lost a lot of weight at one point. When i finished the course i came back to live at home, i went through a few years of being in denial, not even reading anything which discussed HIV in the gay press. I was going out and drinking a lot to escape the truth. Then there was a turning point a few years later and i re-evalauted my life, myself and HIV.
i took the step of going to a clinic, i started to go for regular check-ups and it wasn't long before i was on meds, CD4 at the time was about 160 viral load- not sure but was very high i'd also lost a lot of weight but becasue i was still in my 20's i just looked like your average slim guy (but i was really aware of it). I would still socialise with friends but take the meds in the toilet,never forgeting to take them. My social life has changed as i have got older and i dont like to stay out late so taking my meds is even less of a burden i also only drink on rare occassions as i have such a low alcohol tolerance and i hate feeling hungover!. My viral load is undetactable and CD4 stable and has been that way for several years now (about 10). I have leant a lot about myself since my diagnosis and how i deal with things; i have become more head strong and i don't give up very easily,i have always been private but because of the diagnosis i am even more private about things such as my health although i do talk to very close friends about it- its important to have at least one person who isn't a clinician that you can talk to although they are helpful.
I work out, eat sensibly and work on maintaining my health through regular exercise. The weight has come back on i dont have any facial or bodily muscle wasting and am please about that, it would really get me down if i had lipodystrophy or facial artophy. I never for one minute forget how my life changed and whilst i no longer dwell on the past i do have days when i feel depressed because of the whole situation but then i look at my life and the things i have achieved and that makes me feel better and more determined to do something with my life.
I have not been in a long term relatoinship because i guess i'm afraid of the reaction if i told the person, there have been short term relationships but i never feel i know the guy enough to tell them. Although saying that i did date a guy and he disclosed his status and we talked about our experiences- it was a nice change to feel i could talk openly about it. I do think about the future and what it holds but as long as i have good friends who i meet regardless of whether they know my status, thats the important thing.
I do think as i get older i am more likely to tell a guy, i guess because i know my self on a deeper level and feelmore comfortable in my skin, HIV is part of my life but it does not control my life.
Bob
I am 22 years old and I was diagnosed with HIV about two weeks ago, and for some reason my mind was ready for that answer since I had been showing strange signs since January of this year. Both my parents were there with me when I got the news and they are both very supportive, and I am truly thankful for that.
I told my closest friends, one of them being the guy I really like, and he has been supporting me since I started this whole process and has always given me support. So far no one has turned their back on me due to ignorance or anything like that. What I find very peculiar about this entire thing is that this has given me a higher drive to accomplish my goals and work towards what I want to be. I am thankful that I have not fallen into a depression or anything like that.
On Monday I get my result for CD4 (T-cell) count and virus load count, and I am hoping I have a high level of T-cells. The last thing I have lost is hope, and I would like to let others know that even though sometimes we might feel the world is going to come down on us, there will always be someone we can count on, who will support us and love us.
I am not in a support group at the moment but I would love to be in one, meet others like me and learn from them. This is not the end of the world, this is not a reason to give up on our hopes and dreams. We are in control, not the disease. I had never been so comfortable with myself before, as I am right now, at least for that I am grateful.
Still Hoping
i don't know, it's like when i first found out i had hiv 10 years ago, i was in shock.
All i could think about was aids, how can this happen to me and why. I went into denial after that, just pushed it out my mind. i started drinking and smoking weed everyday just so i could think i was normal.
But after awhile i started losing weight fast and always feeling tried, then i start hearing about people around my age group dying of aids and i started freaking out. I said to myself i want to live as long as i can. plus people are dying everyday of something, i decided i'm not going to let this kill me. So i started going to doctor regulary.
i take my meds everyday and i'm looking foward to a longer life. I'm 30 years old now. it was ten years ago when i got hiv. look at me i'm still here.
D USA
I contracted HIV in the mid 90s.....I never got tested and continued to work and do well in school as an electrician then after as a journeyman electrician in California.
In 2004 I packed up my Camaro and drove accross country to North Carolina to move my family with me to start a new life. I had just sold my house in Calif and made 50000 on it so things were looking up....so I thought. I had paid 4000 for 6 months rent and had a job lined up....the problem was I wasn't feeling well...I went to the doctors and they told me I may have pneumonia so they started me on antibiotics...I got worse...started losing weight and getting night sweats.I went from 210 lbs to 150 in 6 months and eventually collapsed in my apartment.
I was taken to the hospital and my wife was informed I may not live for another couple days unless they start me on something quick. I was hooked up to IVs given 2 spinal taps and 3 blood transfsuions over the next 3 weeks.
At about day 5 I was informed I had AIDS, I was also diagnosed with crytococcal meningitis and was basically at the end stage of AIDS. I struggled with the diagnosis and after my diagnosis and release I was told to start writing checks because I needed to deplete my resources in my bank. The hospital bill was 140,000 and I could only pay for it if I had under 2000 in resources. I started writing checks for 5000 and gave them to people I knew....In the end I was left with poor health and flat broke.
Since that time I have been in therapy, contemplated suicide and was looking to die....
I have become stronger though in the last 2 years fighting my way back, Ive gained all my weight back and have been going to the gym lately. I no longer work, my bout with meningitis has messed up my cognitive skills so I am on ssdi after losing a promising career.
I'm in my 40s now and have a supportive family and an 8 yr old son....I am truly blessed by my supportive family...without them I would probably be dead by now.....little by little I take baby steps to improve my qualityof life-
but its a hard road.
My advice is sex is what we all think about its human nature but the choices we make about sex can have everlasting effects down the road.. HIV has no face, the people who have it come in all shapes and sizes and some are beautiful others not.....my point....just because something looks good doesn't mean its not rotten on the inside......be safe wear a condom and know your partner....
