Cross

My life with HIV started in November of 2006. I was 37 had only been out of the closet for three years and wham! I had gotten a routine test done and knew it would be negative because it was the year prior. Well that was not the case, it was positive. The hardest part was going through all of it alone. My father was and is supportive and that was my saving grace. I have had so called friends throw away plates, forks, spoons etc that I had ate off of (they did not know I saw them take a towel, throw it in the trash and spray Lysol in the bag, that hurt the most and by the way I have never been invited back.

Three years later I am know dealing with extreme fatague, neuropathy, sore muscles etc. I was placed on a drug holiday (stopped taking my meds for three months) because my numbers were good. I feel like the HIV has come back stronger then ever but I will know more when I go for blood tests next month.

Dating has been almost non-existant. I see or have a good looking guy approach me just to have him walk away once he finds out I am positive. Spending the holidays alone is really rough. Sitting in my living room and watching neighbors families gather with presents and smiles while knowing my siblings are gathering at their homes doing the same however they do not want the fag brother with aids in their home because I am going to hell for being gay.

HIV is a lonely life no matter what anyone tells you. The looks from doctors and dentists when you tell them, friends and co-workers who dont understand why a 40 y/o man is worn out all the time, potential dating partners who run when they find out, all the pills, my Lord the co-pays and bills, not knowing how much longer I will be able to keep working, the dread of having to go on some kind of public assistance.

Sorry to depress you but this is what life is like for many of us and it sucks! I do believe in God and this allone has kept me going along with the love I have for my dad who because of bills now live with. I still manage to work everyday but I do not know for how long. Thanks for letting me vent.  

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Curt

Hey Everyone my name is Curt, this is my story about living with HIV. I am 22 years old and found out last march 28th that I was HIV positive. I had requested to have the test done because I did not feel right. I knew that I worked long hours and stuff. but I knew something was not right and I was not going to stand by me passing it off as another cold. I remember that day very well... I drove to my doctor whom I had been going to for years, they had called me in saying you need to come in before the office opens we need to talk to you. I got up that day early at 7:00 my mom and my sister fallowed me, my sister only went in the room. at that time I don't think my mom could handle what was going to be said. My doctor looked at me and said; well everything came out negative except for one test... and I don't know how to tell you this, but curt, you are HIV positive.

I broke down right then and there. I knew my life was over as I signed out of my doctors office bawling my eyes out.  I go to open the door to the office and as soon hit my face I stopped crying. I felt the wind move across my skin differently, the sun felt better on my skin than I could have remembered... As my mom was worried about me leaving and going to be by myself for obvious reasons, I reassured her I would be okay. I open the car door pulled my top of my car and turned up the radio really loud... because that too felt better the colors of the roads business and everything were brighter... more beautiful than anything I had ever seen. I got home change and went to straight to work not telling anyone not even crying all day. I work a good 16 hour shift that day.. and the same for four days that week had not thought about it but had started to tell people.  Most people were standoffish at first but I had a little class with everyone at work what the virus it what it does and what risk it has on them. I began drinking heavily every night as I tend to do to cover up anything that I cannot deal with.  I drank and drank and drank until I could not feel the pain anymore. That night we all went to a friends house. My best friend knew what I was going through but kept wondering why I could not talk about it with her of all people. Then we went outside and I came clean and cried so hard my eyes were red a swollen... I decided I needed my mother right now... and it was already 3:30 am... my mom is still in bed. I am on the freeway driving home and there is was again I started crying so hard I had to pull over and stop the car and calm down. I finally got home after everything that had happen, and I walked in a know I smelt of cigarettes and beer like my mom hates.. but I was all swollen and teary eyes when I walked in a ran to my room still crying. She comes in and she tells me. Curt you cannot let this disease control you like this.  That made me wise up.... But it was still hard it sucked everyday seeing my friends not sit with me a break time because they were afraid of what they didn't know.

I was totally dead for dating for a very long time. now all of my friends are back in my life and my family all is aware of my condition they aren't scared they are happy I made the decision to live. My point to this is find some sort of positive support from the time you find out until the time you can rely on yourself. you are not the disease, it is apart of you. You are in control of this. family is a great support system to have through it all... but if you don't have that, there are numerous support groups that work with HIV infected persons. I saw the world in different eyes, it has been said that no one can put a price on a life, true in one aspect, but that don't get the true value of a life until their life has been threatened to be taken away. My HIV case is in its younger stages my viral load is 23k and cd 4 is around 520 or so. I know I HAVE A LOT MORE TO GO THROUGH WITH THE HIV BUT JUST REMEMBEER TRUST THE PEOPLE YOU TELL THAT THEY ARENT GOING TO JUDGE YOU BUT HELP YOU, and be there for you. Life is precious.  Keep your head up and realize everything always works out like they are suppose to and hurt is only but temporary

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Mark

Hi, My name is Mark and I want to tell you a little about my life. I am 36 years old and I'm a recovering drug addict living with Aids in the U.S. I have done a lot in my life that I regret, but this is something that I don't regret is to share with you my experiences, in hope to make a difference in your life and to give back to the ones that have suffered from my addiction. I started using drugs when I was 9 years old. I used to think that drugs were so kewl when I was younger. My babysitters got me started smoking pot they thought it was kewl to get me stoned. I wanted to be like them. So little did I know I would be worse then them. All through school I tried all different drugs, but the drug that I was so into was speed. I remember the first time I stuck a needle in my arm I was 12 years old. I will never forget that! As I went on I started not to care about anything even myself all I cared about was getting high, thats all that mattered to me. I ended up quitting school at 16 years old and working for my father as a furniture salesman. I was a spoiled child.As I went on, I started using meth or (crystal, crank) some of the street names there. I fell in love with my drug of choice and it seemed it fell in love with me. At this point in my life I had become a liar, cheat and a thief. I hurt alot of family members frinds an love ones. I moved to Florida I think I was about 24 years old. I went on using, drinking, stealing and hurting more people that cared for me.

In February 28th, 1994 turned out to be one of the worst days of my life I thought. I was sitting in a detox unit and had found out I had tested positive for HIV. I thought this was it I'm going to die now. Im glad I was in there instead of out on the streets because I would have ended my life. I stayed in treatment for awhile and decided that if I was going to die from HIV/AIDS, I was going to make a difference and do something about it. So after I got out of treatment I decided that I had to go out and tell my story about what drugs have done to my life. I was very good at it and I helped a lot of people and children. I went to treatment centers, homeless shelters and schools. During this time though, I lost track of what was important to me and that was my recovery in my addiction. I remember I was in Daytona Beach Florida and I had gotten drunk and also did some acid and decided that if I couldn't stay clean I would end my life. So I decided to drown myself in the ocean. So I started to walk to the beach and walk into the ocean. When I started wading out I remember cussing God, yelling "Why did you do this to me! Why?! This is your love you give me?"

Today I can say it is not God's fault and He did answer me. The police got me and took me to get some help! Well, I continued going to AA/NA meetings, but was still using, not as much as I used to, but still using 4 or 5 times a year. So I slowed down. I worked flea markets in Florida selling shoes At this point in my life I was a wreck.I left and went to Chicago. I don't know why I went there, I just ran away from it all. I went to a homeless shelter and stayed for a couple days and I started getting sick, so I went to the hospital and they admitted me. While I was there they found a place for me to go. I will never forget this place, it was a house for homeless addicts with HIV/AIDS. I stayed clean there and really worked on myself. I ended up staying for 7 months and came back home to my parents in Kentucky. I started taking pills real heavy on an every day basis. In January 2002 I went to the doctor and they told me I had full blown AIDS and they weren't giving me meds because of my not taking them right would do more harm then good. February 2, 2002 my father dies from a heart transplant. He was my best friend. He was always there for me no matter what I did. Then 2 weeks later I leave and relapse. Take all our money and run. I can never say that I will never use again, but I can tell you it has ruined my life and my disease of addiction and HIV/AIDS has effected others.

In October 2002 I went out one night an got drunk an ran from the police an went to jail first then they put me in prison for 11 months I got out in September of 2003 an now my diease has progressed rapidly. Today I look at life in a new perspective I live each day like there's no tomorrow an also live life on lifes terms. All I ask of you is to protect yourself and be good to yourself because life is to precious to waste!!

Thank you for reading this..................................................Mark

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Quadir

I go by the name Quadir. I am HIV (+) Positive. I became infected with this disease through my son's mother due the life that she lived outside of our life. Part of me screams murder, but the other half of me have compassion. But lets not get it confused, I would never bring bodily harm to my son's mother, in-spite of. Because most of you are women and your stories are so compelling in nature, maybe perhaps someone can give me advice on how to really handle my feelings. To her, she have done nothing wrong. I just need someone to talk to.

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Jovanri

Hi,

This is my story and a contribution or rather a thanks-giving to great partners.

My name is Jovanri and I live in Thailand.  Of course I had my good deal of playing around sometimes with safety and sometimes without safety.  However I have been perfectly healthy.  Three years ago I met a great guy and we moved in together.  About three weeks ago, both my partner and I went for a general check-up and on the spur of the moment decided to test for HIV as well.  My result came back positive - and when the doctor told me, I almost fell off the chair.  It felt as if a bullet had hit me.

I sent an sms to my partner, who was still busy with another doctor, and I ran out of the hospital, in denial.  I immediately went to another clinic and re-tested, of course positive again.  The second doctor asked me about health problems, but I have not had any in 20 years.  My cd count came with the second test and it is only 120.  Nevertheless, my partner came looking for me, took me in his arms, and held me for quite some time.  ( He tested negative, and I thank God for that).

He had tears in his eyes, as he said:  "Please do not leave me"  You are mine.  I chose you, and I will take care of you untill you die.  He took me to one of the best clinics and paid each bill without a blink.  Although I have some money, he would not take one penny from me.  I said:" You will go bankrupt" to which he replied: " I can loose all the money in this world, if it saves you".   I do not believe that I am out of his mind, for a single moment a day.  It has been 3 weeks now, and he remains stable and supportive, every moment.

A few days ago I started my meds.  So far I have been blessed with no side affects.  But I really want to say, Thank God for those partners that stick with us, until death do us part.

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Steve

Hi, My name is Steve and I live in the South of England.

I was diagnosed HIV+ve in late 2006. I'm writing this now because I've had a bit too much too drink, and I'm hurting.

I'm 44 years old. been on meds for two and a half years now, cd4 above  450 and HIV undetectable, trouble is I feel like sh*t, I ache more and more each day.

Been on Atripla for last 3 months prior to that was on Sustiva and Truvada which was working fine apart from the lack of sleep. Don't know if its the new drugs or not - shouldn't be as its the same drugs/dose, just a different package, trouble is there's no one I can ask if they're having the same experience. My consultant says I can change but  I'm scared as I might be resistant to other drugs 

I'm not greedy and don't expect to lead a normal life span, whatever that might be, I just want what time I have left to be liveable. How come all the stories you print are so positive  (HIV positive -  oh never mind )...I'd rather see an e-mail from some guy that's f*cked up and hurting but with a link that I can make a connection with them and be of some support to them, and them to me I guess!

Update, 8 days later:

I wrote to you last week when I was very low. Having now seen what I wrote on the web its made me realise that I've been my own worst enemy, its made me take stock of my life, where I am now, where I was before I was diagnosed and where I want to be. The reason I feel crap is  because I've let myself give in, both emotionally and physically.

The fact is I'm extremely lucky, if I'd not had the test when I did I'd probably wouldn't be here now, my CD4 was below 200 and viral load in six figures. As the consultant put it " I was on a speeding train about to go over the cliff edge".  Having the test changed my life forever, but it also saved my life and I owe it to everyone who's supported me  to do everthing in my power to live with this for as long as and as well as I can.

I'm sure we've all had different experiences of how we were told, mine was quite matter of fact ie "I'm sorry you have HIV,who else have you had sex with".  2 minites later I was back in the hospital car park, on my own, feeling very very much on my own.  I called my partner from the hospital car park - hard to make a call when you all choked up  - he asked what was wrong - told him I was +ve. The sorrow and incredulity in his voice will stay with me forever. he said " you're not, " then we both cried.

Three years later, we're still togeather, if i'm honest its had its moments, but we're still togeather and thats because I love him, and, I believe he loves me. I can't imagine my life without him now....

Started going back to the gym, was always swimming but was just getting more and more unfit. I finally realise that if i'm going to have a reasonable chance at surviing this I need to at  least make the effort to stay well....I  hope I've not left it too late... feeeling better and better each day.!!!!!!

I'm sure there's lots of souls out there that need guidance, or just an altenative opinion, I'm no specialist, othet than I know where you are right now. It's took me a long time to finally realise that the secret to surviving this is to be positive, attitide mostly but then also eat well and exercise.
 

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Jeff

I was born in 1961 in what was then Northern Rhodesia, Zambia as it is now known as, and raised and schooled in apartheid South Africa, in a slightly conservative, sheltered but loving home. As far back as I can remember, I have always been physically attracted to the male body, my earliest memories of sexual arousal being before I even reached puberty.

A tall, good-looking boy in my class and I took a shine to each other. We were exploring with our sexuality, as some teenagers do, and regularly had ‘sleepovers’ at his parents’ place and mine. This went on for about a year, until I moved, and though we still saw each other in school, we rarely spoke, let alone look at each other.

I didn’t understand what it meant to be homosexual, or gay, or why I fancied boys instead of girls, or why I was teased about being a nancy-boy at school, nor did I understand why it hurt so much to lose such a close friend, or why he didn’t feel the same way as I did.

When I completed my two years’ National Service, I took up residence with my mother in Cape Town, and started frequenting the local gay pubs and clubs. Many a night was spent getting drunk and picking up strangers, going to their places, or spending the night in a hotel room. During those days in Apartheid South Africa, homosexuality was illegal, and it was a scandal if one of their own turned out to have ‘those’ tendencies.

During an afternoon shift at the bar I was working at, I met someone whom I had not seen for several years. A day or so later, he called, and asked if I’d like to spend a weekend with him at his brother’s beach flat. That was great, and after the weekend we decided to have a bash at seeing each other on a more regular basis. As he had had a scare some months previous, having had unsafe sex with an HIV+ guy, he asked if I’d consent to us both going for a test at his doctor just to be safe. In retrospect, I have to be honest and say that I kind of expected a positive result, after having gone through quite a debauched, promiscuous time prior to meeting up with him again. Two weeks later, my fears were confirmed.

My whole world came crashing in around me and I felt as if I had had all the wind taken out of me. I called my mom collect, in London, and before we had even finished greeting each other properly, I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore, nor could I stop myself from blurting out that I was HIV+. Oh God, how I hurt her!

After more than eleven years, I am still asymptomatic, though it has now become essential for me to commence antiretroviral therapy. The drugs are highly toxic, but necessary to keep my immune system strong, and keep me healthy.

I’ll be honest with you, if I could wind back the clock, I would not make the same mistakes. It’s not the nicest, most comfortable lifestyle, having to wake up early every morning for the rest of my life to take medication. After a while it becomes routine, waking at sparrows’ to take five tablets, and if truth be told, physically, I haven’t felt this good for a long time! After years of bachelorhood, I’ve found a loving man who accepts me for who I am to settle down with, who sees past the HIV.

N.B. Edited from a longer story.

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Russell

Hi my name is Russell a white 20 year old male. What am about to write is a true story about me finding out that I have HIV (Some events have been left out and some names changed), and the truth of what am going though now and back when I found out…

So lets travel back a two weeks ago, I woke up like every other day, the date Sunday the 31st of Aug 2008, it’s the day that will go down in history for being the start of the worst week in my life, but at the same time a new scary beginning. A beginning that I had of read about when I was 16 years old, A STI that around 1100 people in Western Australia live with every day, that we know of. This is how I became that 1101 person.

Here I am getting up out of bed and getting ready for my day the sun was shining the cats where trying to get outside like they do every morning, the time was around 9am. Today was abit different and for me it felt different maybe cos I knew i was about to get tested for HIV, and all the other STI’s who knew all I knew is I had this wierd feeling that something was not right. My closes mate at the time Smith said “I am sure it will be ok.” Just the day before. Smith and I where great close friends some thought that we where an item but we weren’t. Smith and I went back just a few months but for some reason unknown to us we felt like we knew each other for a life time.

I headed out to go to RPH (Royal Perth Hospital) arund 10am I had my appointment at 11am, To get to the city I have to catch the 421 bus and the Striling Train into the city, all the way I was thinking to myself that all I have to do is turn away and go back home and no one would be the wiser. However I had to do it. I had not had a blood test for close to a year and something in me said that I needed to find out if I had anything. All the way sitting on the bus and train I was trying to take my mind off the feeling that I am about to have a test that could change my life. To take my mind off it I started listening to my iPod and one song kept playing and playing. For some reason all I wanted to do was listen to this one song that reminded me of living in foster care and growing up in over 30 different foster homes, going to 20 plus schools, being belted, raped and neally killed. The song Secrets by Anastacia hearing the kids at the start and end of the song made me feel safe while the words stuck out in my mind like my life in a song. Never being able to be a child always having to think fast on my feet, not worrying what some one would say or do to me as long as they did not do it to my sisters or older brother.

Before long I am there waiting in the waiting room to see the Doctor, he was the doctor that three days from now would ring me up and tell me to come in. He asked me when was the last time I had a HIV test I said around a year or maybe more. He looked at his records and it showed that I have not been tested since late 2006, He said that they will do a full STI test which ment anal, mouth, and cock swaps to test for any other STI’s and a blood test to see if I had HIV.

I went from the doctors office into the nurses room standing beside me a young 20 something year old lady who was about to take my blood, I said to her “I might scream, I hate needles.” She replied “Oh there is nothing to be worried about, ill be soft.” Yeah I heard that from many people in the past from other Doctors to the first guy I had sex with.

Before long it was all over and was told that I should be notifided by Wednesday. The day continues on, heading home all I can think about is that what if the test comes back POZ what will I do then, What will my life be like? Will I crash, will I be able to carry on? Oh and the big question was will I still have the strength to keep working on my own business, or will I give up and get a 9 to 5 job?

Tuesday was not that easy I stayed in bed slept for most of the day, I rang Smith at around 10am and just talked he kept saying it will be ok. Being the friend that he is. But deep down I knew something was going to come up and eat me alive.

Wednesday morning comes, I get a phone call around 9am from the Doctor asking me “Hi Russell I need to see you. Can you come in as soon as possible thanks.” I left for RPH straight way did not know what I was going to be told. At first I was thinking HIV then maybe some other STI I was so confussed I just did not know what to do. I got there around 10:30am and went straight in, it was like they where waiting for me ready to take my soul and toss it out the 4th story. I went into his office and I sat down, then I hear “Russell am sorry to say but the test for HIV is positive.” I frooze for a few seconds and just looked amazed. What felt like a life time of silance was around 30 seconds. I said “I was thinking it might come back that way.” I cant believe that I said that really the first words out of my mouth was I thought it might come back that way. What a dick nob.

We talked for about 30min about the T count and how they have to do more testing. That day was going to be a hard one, for what I thought was going to be a 20 min visit soon turned out to being a full day there from 10:30am till 5pm when I was able to get up and go home. It was like a bad dream getting tossed from department to department, getting 9 tubes of blood out and being told that it is a very very rare thing for them to be wrong about this. Still they tested it and the wait was on till Friday when I would finialy find out if I was the next person in WA for that matter in the World to have HIV.

While waiting for the test I had to get back to work working on organzising the Mr. G competitions (This name has been changed in this story to protect the competition.) I had to organize the Melbourne, and Sydney rounds that where coming up search for the hottest male in Australia. The Melbourne rounds that are coming up in a few weeks was my most concerend about event. I took my worry about my health and placed my worry on my business. I need this to be the hottest competition in Australia, I want to show people that not all guys are alike. We're not the way the media likes to show us.

So I kept going working as hard as I have every worked in my life. I called my mate Smith and told him that I was HIV poz and he just froozed hung up the phone and did not return any of my calls, sadly to this day I have no idea what he is doing or if he is ok.

Friday come so fast went in to the doctors and the Dcotor called me in, sat me down and said “Yeah the test come back poz.” I left there feeling down, sad and all alone, who do I tell, who can I tell, who can I trust?

Sitting down writing this is the hardest thing I have had to do today. Realizing that I have HIV well that has not hit me just yet. I told a true friend of mine just two days ago he went to have sex and unlike normal where he would just have bareback sex, he told me he put on that condom and is now going to get himself and his partner tested. He went on to say He would not be able to be me, in the way that I am staying strong and following my future, there is NO WAY that am going to let this little bug kill me. I want to help inform people young and old that its better to have safe sex and get tested every 3 months, other wise they risk ending up like me HIV POZ!!!

You can read more about me and follow what am going though @ http://www.pozforlife.com

Thanks

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Anon, Honduras

Thanks for publishing my partner's story, in all the past months I never felt at peace with his death, because I was aware of his illness, and I never took the time check him.

For me, I went through several psychological states, but at this time of my life I feel way better.

My parents and sister know about my condition since the first day, and I have all their support, In fact, we are more tied as a family now than the past 30 years.

I'm at the care of one of the bests Infectologist of my country, and I started taking antiretrovirals 3 months ago, I take a combination of Truvada, Reyataz and Norvir, which are provided by an USA lab; I entered a program in which I will be used as a guinea pig in testing a new drug (I signed a confidentiality contract, I can't tell you anymore), and I did it because If I can help in the fight to find a cure, I will.

I was fired from my job because I am HIV+, but that won't stop me, my life goes on, and I'm willing to live it as long as I can, I'm fighting my condition now with all my courage, and I will keep fighting on.

I have a couple of friends who know my "secret" and they are very helpful and supportive that some times I feel guilty of letting my partner on his own

I was so afraid of being infected, and at that time I felt dead alive, but then I took some time to investigate a little bit about the HIV, and, with the help of my doctor, I found out that having HIV is not a death sentence, a lot of things can happen, and found out how the antiretrovirals can make your life longer.

It makes me sad I never knew about you before, if I did, I would have saved my beloved partner.

The campaigns in my country are focused on showing people how devastating is dying of AIDS, that creates a fear consciousness in the people, but they don't tell them how the virus can be fought, and how you can live a normal life like before, just with some little cares, a responsible sexuality and of course the antiretrovirals

My recent partner left me when his diagnostics where negative. I felt so happy for him, but at the same time, so sad, because I lost him as my partner, I don't blame him, after all, to fear the HIV is what is taught to us.

As I told you before, by now, I'm very well, very happy, and very calm, my life is as normal as before, without a job, but normal

Thanks a lot for publishing the story of my partner, and I will let people about you site, it is so very helpful, as far as I know, the most complete I ever read.

The irony, I found out about you for a gay porn site.

Read the story of his partner in AVERT's friends and family of HIV positive people section

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Joseph

My name is Joseph and I am 28 year old black male living in Atlanta. Today January 1st 2008 I was diagnosed as being HIV positive. I believe that my last lover of 3 months gave it to me when he penetrated my anus without a condom. We had been started dating in October, and I had not had sex in almost a year and after dating for several weeks thought it time to give it a try. I went through the who ordeal of asking what type of condoms we should use and getting the right I.D glide. Well that night while beginning penetration, I could not see him put the condom on as I was forward of him. Even though he pulled out and ejaculated on my back, I wanted to be sure. I turned around and saw the unused condom sitting on the bed. Horrified I scolded him.

Weeks after I broke off the relationship January 9th, I went in for a test to see why my hair was falling out and to see if it were caused by my vegetarian eating habits (Lack of Iron), or what. The Dr. suggested an HIV test as well since it had already been a year since my last one. Upon telling me, he told me that the results broke his heart. I did not cry but just had this look of disappointment on my face, while he sat there telling me what comes next. I remember him saying something about a second test which he believed would come back positive as well. I could no longer pay him any attention I am waiting on the results I had been on the phone with my best girl Amanda, and breaking the news to her that I was HIV positive really tore her apart. I contacted Louis and he never called back. As far as my family goes, I have told no one. I grew up in a very religious family. The news would tear my father apart completely. Its shameful enough trying to cope with such a taboo topic.  "I will fight this virus, and I will win. I will be the statistic that kept on living, I guarantee it.

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Alex

When do i begin, dont know really where too. well i guess here my name is alex and i live in the south of england im 27 male and its 20th march 2007,

Ive only found out that ive got HIV, in the last three weeks, I guess at this moment im angry at the world and everyone around me, getting very little sleep and just working long days just trying to not belive in this nightmare is happening to me.

I know its not there fault, but of my own, my family now know and so do my friends but i have distances myself away from everyone i love and care and trusted, I know i still can live a normal life and live for many years too come, but all i can keep thinking is why me, I must of been bad in another life or something,

Ive always been carefully and got to know others befor having sex, but i know now that you can never trust someone, because they can easly do this to you and hurt you from the inside out just to please there own needs,

My doctor has told me that i should sit down and talk to someone even my friends, they all there to help me through this i know that, but im not ready to talk or open up to someone about my pain and hurt, i feel so alone in this world at the moment not sure where to turn to, Or where to run, why me,

AVERT.org: Helplines and community organisations in the UK can be found in our UK section. We also have a directory of AIDS service organisations in the USA.

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Richard

We have all heard the saying that Oral sex is "safer" sex, which I too to an extent believe to be true with the very limited evidence at hand. However since my diagnosis in June 2005 I have learnt of many people claiming to have contracted HIV the same way as myself, Oral Sex!

Yes we are shunned and even called liars, dismissed as false statistics and accused of trying to scare monger.

Well the fact of the matter is oral transmittion of HIV is a very real threat, and one we should wake up too and invest more research and obtain reliable evidence.

With the huge increase in herpes, syphilis and other STD's our mouth is becoming a more suitable route of transmission as the HIV has the ability to 'piggy back' into our system.

Since the Thatcher years of huge icebergs and information regarding HIV, I decided that it was something I would never catch. I always used condoms for anal sex and never allowed anyone to ejaculate into my mouth. I never had a condom split on me and wouldnt even kiss if i had cracked lips. I was obsessed to point that I used to phone the National Aids helpline to ensure what I was doing was safe and that I was protected.

In May 2005 I had oral sex with a stranger, he was fit, toned and looked the perfect bill of health. This didnt prevent me from practicign safe sex. However without warning the guy ejaculated in my mouth. It happened so quick and with no warning. I was angry that it had happened, but not concerned as oral sex was considered safer sex.

After 4 weeks I fell dreadfully ill, I had a sore on my penis and raised lymth nodes in my groin. I was sufferig a temperature of 103 and was listless.

I decided to get myself off to the GUM and gave blood for a HIV test, thankfully the results were back the same day and I was negative (June 16th 2005). I was elated and so very happy and relieved.

I was seen by a Consultant as I had also developed a bady rash, he was mildly concerned that I was suffering a seroconversion illness, but from my sexual history and negative HIV test thought improbable.

Due to the severity of my symptons, it was decided that a special p24 test should be carried out. This test finds the HIV virus rather than the anti bodies, I was to return in 4 days time for the results.

The next 4 days were fine, I had been given a negative HIV test and thought my illness was something doing the rounds. I was not worried about the result, lets face it Oral sex is safer sex right, wrong!

I sat in the GUM waiting room for the nurse to give me the all clear. Instead the Consultant called me in I thought this is odd, what does he want. I sat down and was told that the HIV virus was present in my body and that I was also suffering with herpes. I starred at him and said "this is so unfair". I had always protected myself, washed hands, rinsed mouth, used condoms covered any grazes I may have had.

I sat there and just kept repeating "this is so unfair" Within 4 days I had been diagnosed HIV negative and then HIV positive. My head was messed up as you can imagine.

The consultant concluded that the guy who ejaculated in my mouth could have been shedding the herpes virus and that the HIV came with it.

I was gutted, the first time I had encountered any kind of 'safer' (not safe) sex and I was infected.

The turmoil then got worse as I was advised it could be a false positive result, so more bloods were taken to see if my body had yet produced anti bodies. Two weeks later it was a definate confirmation. I was HIV positive from oral sex.

The usual philes of bloods were taken and my viral load came back at 100,000 and a cd4 of 535, within 3 months my viral load had dropped by 87,000 to 13,000 and cd4 increased to over 600.

So what are the actual risks of catchin HIV from oral sex? Statisticly 1 in 50,000. Yet since my diagnosis more and more people have informed that they too caught it from oral transmission.

We use lube and condoms for our arse, but what protected apart from saliva do we have for our mouths. How healthy are our gums, how often do we bite our tongue whilst eating, what gum damage do we cause when flossing or brushing, how safe is our tongue after cleaniig it. Tooth picks, knives and forks, sharp crisps, and other foods damage our mouth tissue. Hot drinks can burn the lining of the mouth causing small blisters. All these make a perfect openin for HIV and othe STD's

Perhaps through the circumsatances surroundin my infection, others may consider a little more regarding what risk they are prepared to take when having Oral sex.

Do I feel cheated out of a healthy life. Yes I do. I didnt ask the guy to ejaculate and would not have invited such an act. The actions I took were considered safer, but how safe was my mouth.

RICHARD

AVERT.org: Read more about HIV and oral sex.

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Don

I am so tired and scared I was diagnosed with Hiv. I should say full blown AIDS. I had no idea my doctor kept telling me I was anemic and that I should take some iron pills but I still felt so weak to the point that I could not walk. Finally I said there must be something wrong. I asked him if he had tested my blood for everything assuming everything was HIV but he told me I had to ask for that test. I didnt know now I was kind of almost to late my white blood cells were 26.

Any way its been six months now with the meds I'm up to 154 white blood cells. I feel like I might get better. But Im so scared of people touching me. My family they dont touch me they hide me away. They tell me not to touch the dishes, not to unload the dishwasher and other things. I think I could handle the disease but I can't handle life without human touch. I think that is killing me and my heart feels dead. I wanna be loved.

AVERT.org: It is most important to stress that you CANNOT get HIV from touching someone with the virus. You cannot get HIV from eating off the plates that an HIV+ person touches, or the food that they handle, or the bed that they sleep in. HIV is not spread this way - it is only spread through sexual fluids or blood getting in to another person's bloodstream. This CANNOT happen in everyday family settings, and there is NO REASON to be scared. There is no reason why an HIV-positive person should have to live the rest of their life without human warmth or touch. They are not contagious, and nobody should treat them as such.

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Anthony

I am a 42 year old Italian guy from Staten Island NY. I have been living with this disease for 10 years going on 11. I was diagnosed in 1996 and from 1996-2000 I was in so much denial I ran the streets as I had before smoking crack and just wanting to get high and higher, because I thought if I was going to die , I was going to die happy and high.

So I thought. After 4 years I saw I was still here and healthy , so to speak. I decided to get help for my addiction and get educated about HIV/AIDS. I am happy and yes even proud to say that I have been clean from the drug of my choice for 6 going on 7 years and have been an HIV/AIDS Outreach Worker, Educator and Test Counselor for the same number of years and still am. I have also been a member of many groups within the government of New York: HIV/AIDS Planning Council, Advisory Group to the Planning Council, HIV/AIDS Advocate, Human and Civil Rights Advocate. I have found my passion and knowing now that it is not a death sentence, just a change of life, I can go out and spread the word that, "WE CAN LIVE" and live a very happy, productive life.

I have been addicted to crack for 12 years and lost everything: my job, my partner after 8 years, my home but mostly myself. I am back now with alot of thanks to many, but mostly to myself because it was me who willing and chose to get the truth and I did. I will persevere in this fight to educate and fight for the rights of HIV/AIDS people and all people who are treated unjustly........ I have never been more content and happy than now.

Anthony J Raiola

Staten Island NY

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Anon

Im 39 and from Blackpool Uk i was first diagnosed with Hiv in 2005 after finding myself in hospital after being diagnosed with Lymphoma. getting 1 diagnoses one day was bad enough but 2 in the same day was devastating but strangely enough was more concerned about the lymphoma. Question after question consumed me for days my partner for 4years and 10 years my junior what if i had given it to him, How would i feel? How would people feel towards us both?

Well was i stupid,he was supportive and always has been, i had ongoing invasive treatment for the lymphoma for 4 months then having to start the treatment for the Hiv it was quite daunting, feeling ill all the time from cancer being sick, losing my hair, weight etc but had to fight every step of the way and coming close to death at one point the hiv is just a treatable problem that myself and my partner have to deal with and one we can do together. Both consultants that look after me are great helping me deal with problems that arise and am able to call on people at a moments notice,  the combination therapy i take has its good n bad days but i prefer to know that everything is good  within and that helps mentally and physically, work enviroment is good and have told a few people time will come when my friends know but that is a hurdle me and my partner will cross when the times comes.

What do i say to people that are looking for some advice?

Try to be as strong as you are and were before,everyday is a new day and be positive.

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