Roberto

hello everyone, my name's roberto I'm 23 years old I was diagnosed with aids when I was 19 years old, well I have to say that life for me has been extremely hard due to a lot of allergies that I have gotten since I got the virus but I think this virus can help you to see things in different ways in your life because I remember when I was in highschool I had never been good in any subject and now that I am at the university I am the best one in my classes I am telling you this just because I want you to think in a positive way about all the things that we can do in the future ..... never think about the past or what you did! just take into account what things can make you a better person..... try to help others try to be someone important in life ... aids is not the end of the world .... believe me!!.
if you want to see changes in your life, you must change yourself on the contrary you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life.

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Peter

I got diagnoised with hiv on christmas eve, i was 17. I felt numb and didnt know what to do. I only told my sister and aunt because i need someone to take me back to the clinic.
 
I know the date that i contract the disease, and i know the person that i gave it to me. For getting the virus in october to being diagnoised in december my CD4  count fell low and the virus started to attach my body quickly.
 
My health nurse told me that some people dont have to start taking medication for years as long as they stay healthy, and i think itook this for granted. I dont smoke, i dont drink, i eat healthly but this didnt help. The worse thing about being told i had hiv was not knowing i had it but knowing that i have to take medication for the rest of my life.
 
After being told i didnt cry and i got back on with my life and my aunt and siter was surprised about how well i coped with it, but underneath the smiles and the happy face that i was protraying, i was hurting inside and just really wanted to be who i was before christmas eve. Ok i sound ungreatful because i am looky that i have found it when i did and i have the opportunity for medicatio but when i look in the mirror i dont see the same person that i was, and the thing thats scares me the most is not dying but never being able to find the person i was before.
 
I spend most of my time allown now and when no one is looking i cry, but then i always remind myself that at the end of the day i should be looky that i have been told that i have turminal cancer and i have a few months to live, or that i am a father that ahs lost a child.
 
Always remember the good things in life, and when things do get you down always remember that no matter what there is alwayas someone who is out there that is worse off then you, and at least you have the opportunityto make something of yourself were others dont!

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Ryan

well I guess I don’t know really where to start and guess like a lot of people's stories I’ve read on here brings me a glimmer oh hope and optimism

I have been dating my bf for almost 3 months now and for the first time ever I have meet that one person we all strive to meet

we decided over a month ago to go for a regular test and at the time I had no reason to believe the outcome would be anything to worry about as only having a test a few months before being negative

I was at work an got a call from my local clinic and was asked to come in as soon as I could , I kinda knew something was wrong for the tension in the persons voice , I went in nervous as hell and I was told I was diagnosed with HIV and felt like my world had come to some kind of end

and my next thought straight away was god my bf and knowing the fact we had not be sensible and the guilt that I have pertinently altered someone else life forever

I managed to walk out of there and called my friend who picked me up and we just drove an drove and it all come out in floods of tears and all I wanted was my mum the hardest next step was telling her

I had this compelling convulsion to want to tell her and have that hug you can only really get from a parent my friend drove me home to my mums and I just blurted it out

we both cried and sat there an spoke and sat in silence at times and then the bombshell of telling my dad he come over and I told him and he fell to the floor one of the most hardest things I could ever tell my parents

and the biggest thing was telling the person who I had fallen in love with that I was and there was a risk they could be an the fear they would walk away , but in actual fact they where so so supportive and understanding and said that would not ever be a reason to leave someone for

the hard thing is I know my status now and the next thing is the waiting that my bf has to go through over the next few months to find the results and I hope an pray every night that he will be OK

I have gone through a wave of emotions and feelings and its been one hell of a time in my life and I am so so thankful of the support I have from my bf an family and the support I can give them

and I would hope anyone that’s reading this it will feel at the start like your life has ended and how will you function but believe me something like this really does make you put your life into perspective and how precious the time we have and what life deals us is what makes us stronger and strive to carry on and believe in ourself s and make what we have the best we can

I wont lie and say I don’t have my down days but I have some really great days and there is not a day that my status is on my mind on a daily basis but I have the conviction and energy to carry on and make my life mean something important to me

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Living positive

Hi I am 39 years old ,male, and have been positive for going on ten years, my story pretty much involves warnings to all walks of life, who dont think it could happen to them.... u the handsome one with no regrets, or you the insecure one that thinks if you dont give it up, no one will love you, or the sexually active one that just puts on a condom at all times... the cycle goes around and around till it reaches you. im talking about men sleeping with other men who sleep with other men who are hiv positive, and the irresponsible ones who just forgot in the heat of passion to put a condom on....my story is somewhere in  the mix... but you have to do this....respect your body..cuz..no one else will. Raise your standards, Raise your values, and above all raise awareness..

Fortutantly for me i am still healthy, my immune system is still strong I thank God, and medicine, scientists, and Drs who monitor my Hiv status.

Here is my story...i trusted a man… whom i had slept with, pushing condoms and wearing them was what i did, i didnt sleep around, i was careful, but i got involved for about 3 months, he was handsome, had a good job, treated me well, but as time went on I started questioning his where abouts, and his storys just did not make any sense to me, i would catch him in little white lies, but thought it was just innocent, as time went on i decided not to see him anymore because his actions in public were a bit to wierd for me, he would check out other men in front of me, and would litterally gawk at them up and down, but there raised a light bulb in my head that was it for me. WE are all humans..its only naturall to stare right?..but after i called it off he got a little violent on me...but at least i moved on...a few months past and one of his friends called me and told me i deserved to know the truth about him...well as luck would have it He was HIV positive.. and he just happened to forget that small detail about himself..even though i had asked him for labs on his hiv tests...Its the logical think to do...Since he was a nurse he said he had them and would show them to me soon...

I found out he was a pathological liar, lied about his career, lied about pretty much everything, i introduced him to my family and my mother!! I trusted him.... needless to say i got tested and tested Positive... This did screw me up pathological liar but it took me years to Put myself back together..dont get me wrong it takes time to heal your spirit, your soul and your trust in people.But i did and What it boils down to...is that this is my fault..I made that choice that one choice to not wear a condom..that is the choice i have to live with for the rest of my life...Hiv does not control my life...i control it...I have to live as healthy as possible i bike ride,exercise occasionally, and i take my one pill every night...Please if you are positive Take  your pills everyday...That i the number one rule to surviving this son of a Bitch virus... i leave this with you....

Live....love.........and laugh...other people with other illnesses arent so lucky..Be strong and be tough..take the bull by the horns and beat the bitch!! I think i will be ok..and so will you...Life is not over...its just the beginning of another chapter in your life....by the Way i have a partner and we are celebrating our eleven anniversary...i couldnt be happier...

Good luck to all of you..and remember ...just breath..youll be ok.

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Jay

First of all if you're somebody that is negative reading this please make sure you know your status as nerve wrecking it might be your better off because otherwise you’ll be putting a love one at risk....

Am 28 just got diagnosed with HIV, I’m still in denial and think about hurting myself more then a few times a day. However I’m holding on because I have to be strong for myself and for my bf of 3 months whose younger then me. I just worry so much for him he tested negative and give or take I just pray so much for him that in those three months he comes out negative. I rather him be negative then go through this. Even though he is the one thats been keeping me together. I’m not ready to tell anybody else not even my best friend.

I pray to god everyday for forgiveness and strength. Although I know that life goes on but its hard for me because my family don’t like the fact that I am gay let alone telling them that I’m HIV positive and my poor mother she is already devastated that I’m gay now this would crush her even more.

However life must go on like I’ve read in these stories this makes you want to enjoy life more and see what is more important with the limited time that we have. Like my bf says things happen for a reason and I believe in God and I say if thats what he wants for me then I want it also.

So for others like me who are at my level and don’t be ignorant even though thats always the first reaction that come out when you first get diagnosed and I can say it because I was one of them when I found out I wanted to jump out the window but it crossed my mind that its not the end.

I know people thats been living with it for some time now and they are strong and i know and pray god that i get to that level even my bf whose negative is stronger then me about this and teaches me how to be strong and to keep my sanity.

AVERT.org: being diagnosed with HIV can cause a number of reactions and some of these are discussed on our ‘Learning you are HIV positive' page, which a lot of people find helpful. There are many support groups available for HIV positive people and we would also urge people to access these, if you are struggling with a diagnosis.

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Tony

I've been a gay activist for about five or so years. I knew as well as anyone: condoms are to be used *each and every time*. I live and work in a part of the world where homosexuality is not visible in society at all, and the gay community is largely active in a few bars and gay saunas operated in and around the gay town. I used to be afraid of the saunas, and would never go into one. But one night a few years ago, a guy I met took me along with him to visit one, and I was surprised to see many young and attractive men. It wasn't long before I started going tot he saunas alone. It seemed the best way to go: readily available sex with nice guys, no hassles. I almost always played safely (safer). Except for one infection with pubic crabs and a more serious one for Chlamydia, both curable, I had great experiences at the saunas.

But one night I lost my head. Hindsight is 20:20, sure; but I should have seen the signs. They were staring me right in the face.

It was a regular Saturday night at the E sauna. A tall, fit-looking guy approached me, keeping a towel draped over his head to hide his eyes and nose. I fancied he might be a closeted entertainer or something of that nature (in this country, it's quite possible to spot a celebrity in public). He was very self-conscious about being seen. When we retired together to a back room, he held the door closed with one arm to prevent anyone from entering or opening the door. I thought he was just very, very shy. He also flattered me a little, and kept saying he couldn't do anything at a sauna. There were too many people around. He suggested we leave then and there and go to his place.

Despite his unusually paranoid behavior, I went home with him. Although he was not really my type, per se, he was attractive, and I hoped the experience would be special. Most of all, I wanted him to like me, or maybe to fall in love with me. After some one-on-one time, it was condom time. He pulled out a condom and gel from a drawer by the bed. The condom was just a bit too tight for me. Still, I had every intention of using it. I said to him (truthfully) "I just had my HIV test result a few weeks ago. I'm healthy." I did not say it to suggest we not use a condom, only to assure him that there would be no risk from me. But the next thing I knew, he'd tossed the condom aside and said with a blank look, "I'm healthy, too." I could believe him, I think, because I had perceived him all along as being shy. I did not ask him how long he had lived near the gay town, or anything about his own personal or sexual history. I just figured, 'It must be OK'. And I had full-unprotected sex with him.

I left his apartment soon afterwards, not really worried at all yet about what had just happened. On the way home, though, I began to feel a little queasy inside, and experienced a pang or two of anxiety about having had anal sex with a complete stranger without a condom. I had left my email address with him and told him to phone me sometime. He did so, two weeks later. It seemed from his email that he really wanted to see me again. I was relieved, perhaps ironically, because I thought his wanting to meet me again suggested he wasn't just a "one-time player". I didn't pause to think about the possibility that he might be a two-time player, or maybe worse.

I met him again the following week, and we had unprotected sex again. The energy of the encounter was much lower than the first time. He acted much cooler and detached in person than his email. Two or three days after the encounter, I began feeling ill, like I had the flu. I immediately contacted him, asking him to meet me for a chat. I wanted to show him my negative report and confirm he was negative, as he'd said.  He replied without emotion that he was too busy to meet for just talking. His email was very short. I called him and again, a cold reply. I began putting different pieces together. His screen name was Lone Tango. The paranoiac behavior. The fact that he'd lived near the sauna for five years, as he'd revealed at our second meeting. The casualness with which he suggested we dispense with the condom. Whatever I am reading into our two encounters, what's certain is that I made a very stupid mistake.

This is my HIV infection story. I believe I was lied to. From the beginning, there were many signs that something was wrong, but I did not want to see or read them because of my desire to please a stranger.

The bottom line: There is *never" a good excuse for not protecting yourself against STDs. I knew it as well as anyone, but I momentarily let down my guard and exposed myself unnecessarily to a deadly virus. It was unnecessary, a very foolish thing to do to myself. But hindsight is 2020.

I hope my story will reach the heart and mind of someone out there, someone maybe who like me, has seriously lacked self-esteem and the will to protect himself each and every time and at all costs, even at the cost of a potential lover or soul-mate. My self-destructive action was unplanned. It took place at the spur of the moment. Now I have the rest of my life to relive those few seconds again and again. Why, why, why did I do it?

I'm sure that my positive gay brothers and I will do fine on our journey. Most of all, I wanted to tell my story again and again and add a message: "When you let unprotected sex happen, you MAKE unprotected sex happen!"

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Mr K

If you are reading this most likely you or someone you love has just gotten the news "HIV poz".

I met a man, he was charming and handsome. We talked for hours the first night we met. I told him about my last relationship and how it ended with the police taking my boyfriend away after he brutally attacked me. The charmer told me he had been single for many years after his partner died of AIDS. I asked him straight up what his HIV status was and he told me "he was clean and healthy".

We began seeing each other regularly. I was falling for this guy and he for me. We played safe at first. But as time passed and our relationship grew stronger we began to relax. We had an active social life and enjoyed each other and going out with friends. Life was very good until February 11, 2010.

I discovered a hospital document that had my partners name on it. The document was mixed in with some old holiday cards he had collected and saved over the years. I don't think he knew he still had it.
The paper was dated 2002 and stated my partner was HIV poz and had been for 10 years prior. I was devistated!

Over the 2+ years we were together we had the 'HIV poz' conversation many times and he always said how happy he was to be 'clean'. I was tested 2 days later and the results came back positive.

I moved out that afternoon- it was my birthday. I am heart broken, confused and angry. Being lied to by someone you love so much just adds to the pain of having to deal with the news of being HIV poz.
I hope my story gives you reason to pause and search your soul for that inner voice that sometimes we ignore.

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Darren

Hey there, I’m 23 and I was diagnosed with HIV last year. I find it has changed my life in every way, some for the good and some for the bad...it was a total shock to me as I’ve never had sex, and the only way I could have got it was true a dirty needle.... but I’ve a lot to thank god for as my friends and family have been amazing, only for them I probably wouldn’t be able to cope...I’ve read most stories and some are more touching than others...but we are all they same, and we should not be ashamed, nobody asks for this, I hope by people reading this, it might make them feel a little better....tanx for reading my story...everybody remember keep smiling, we will all get true this....

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Mark

Hi my name is Mark and I'm thankful there's outlets like this that help people living with hiv regain somewhat of a social life.  I was diagnosed back in September 09 and it's been a tough road.  I stay inside most of the time now.  

It began at the beginning of August and I was a complete wreck for 2 months.  I awoke at 4am with a hell raising headache in which I assumed that the wisdom tooth I never took care of was finally telling me I need 2 take care of business and fast.  I got the wisdom tooth taken out but I was still looking and feeling sickly and I rarely get sick.  So for 2 months I'm dealing with night sweats, fever, runny and loose stools, going 2 work was a joke, in bed practically every day, couldn't walk; i was just out of it.  Then I started having chest pains in which I endured 4 a full week.  The 8th day, I went to the ER and they ran some tests.  At first, they couldn't find any wrong other than 2 get tested.  They were gong to release me that same day, but I was running a high fever and severely dehydrated so they kept me 4 a week.  During my stay, they ran more tests...a blood clot on my left lung in which it turned out 2 be Hep c, and a small infection in my heart which prompted them 2 test me 4 hiv.  I didn't get the result while I was in the hospital but because it was taking such  a long time 4 the results to come back, they did their best at preparing me 4 the worse.  I was in such denial, hoping and praying that it would come back negative, making promises 2 god that if it came back negative, I would straighten my act.

Well, I finally got the result on September 30, my little brother's bday, and i was....i was scared, lonely, hurt, i felt like dying.  But I thought of my mom and I couldn't do that 2 her.  I couldn't stomach 2 tell her because I didn't know what her reaction would be.  I finally bucked up and told her and u know I'm still her child.  I also have a friend that I've been seeing on and off for 6 yrs and I was scared 2 tell him because I didn't know what would happen between us.  Well I told him and he embraced me and held me and told me that he's still standing by me and.........i'm abit emotional right now........i guess everything happens 4 a reason......

I'm trying 2 get in the habit of taking medz regularly; I don't take them like I should.  And I'm both a heavy drinker and smoker and I've gotta stop that 2.  It does get lonely when there's no one who u can talk 2 but i'm taking everything day by day.  Will thank u 4 reading my story

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Anthony

I am a 42 year old Italian guy from Staten Island NY. I have been living with this disease for 10 years going on 11. I was diagnosed in 1996 and from 1996-2000 I was in so much denial I ran the streets as I had before smoking crack and just wanting to get high and higher, because I thought if I was going to die, I was going to die happy and high. So I thought.

After 4 years I saw I was still here and healthy, so to speak. I decided to get help for my addiction and get educated about HIV/AIDS. I am happy and yes even proud to say that I have been clean from the drug of my choice for 6 going on 7 years and have been an HIV/AIDS Outreach Worker, Educator and Test Counselor for the same number of years and still am. I have also been a member of many groups within the government of New York: HIV/AIDS Planning Council, Advisory Group to the Planning Council, HIV/AIDS Advocate, Human and Civil Rights Advocate. I have found my passion and knowing now that it is not a death sentence, just a change of life, I can go out and spread the word that, "WE CAN LIVE" and live a very happy, productive life.

I have been addicted to crack for 12 years and lost everything: my job, my partner after 8 years, my home but mostly myself. I am back now with alot of thanks to many, but mostly to myself because it was me who willing and chose to get the truth and I did. I will persevere in this fight to educate and fight for the rights of HIV/AIDS people and all people who are treated unjustly........ I have never been more content and happy than now.

It is now 2010, going on 46 and it is going to be 14 years that I am living with this illness. I am in control of it. It has no control over me. Still extremely happy and content with a positive attitude. Still clean from drugs going on 11 years and still in the field of Social Services. I went back to college and earned a degree which landed me job as a Case Manager focusing on HIV/AIDS where I assisted in housing many homeless, educating the uneducated or misinformed, feeding the hungry, counseling and assisting many in getting their lives back from a life of hopelessness.

Education has been in my blood for many years where I started out at 22 years of age with the Board of Education of the City of New York working with the Special Education Community. As the years passed and after my sordid life experience I saw all the injustices and that is when I started my journey towards Human and Civil Rights for ALL, lobbying, educating and counseling. I am here and I am NOT going anywhere. People who know me and the work that I do know they can, at any time, call on me for assistance and so can you!

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Lee

Its been five years now since I found out and although I am very lucky not too have a disease that has taken my life, but it has taken my confidence, strength and at times my happiness.

I was 21 when I found out. I was head strong, enjoying life and knew where I was going. I lived in my own little bubble and thought that the streets where paved with gold and opportunities came looking for you. I dreamt of big life in America, The land of ‘opportunities’ I had been in a 5 year committed relationship and was enjoying life as  21 one year knew how to. I never slept around, was too busy having fun with friends, socialising and travelling. So to get a disease that has a stigma attached to it that you sleep around to catch it, was extremely difficult. I was filled with so much regret that I had prided myself on not being ‘like them’ and going home with a different person every time I was out.

I recall the doctors words, saying ‘I am sorry but you have HIV’. Through my own ignorance at the time I didn’t know what this meant, was I too die soon, Did I have to take so many pills a day it would control my life! Soon enough I was educated that having a ‘healthy lifestyle’ and taking my medication of once a day there would be no reason why I could life to be old. This obviously lifted my spirits and gave me new hope towards my new future.

The next step was telling my family, the closest, most valued people to me that I have caught HIV. Watching there sadness was heartbreaking and I think at this point was when the bubble I had been living in burst, I was in a new world of reality and it was cold. I seemed so suddenly aware that people are so judgmental and there is a cruel side to the world. Things that had always been there but I only seen the good.

I remember one new year being with friends and looking forward to a new year with new hope when a group of me and my friends were chatting a close friend who doesn’t know about me, made a horrible comment about someone having HIV. This cut deep, but as there was people around I carried out smiling and laughing but was upset that one of my close friends could been so naïve.

This is when it hit me what I find the most difficult about having HIV for me, is the fact that I have to pick carefully who knows about my status in case they judge or don’t keep it too themselves, which I have had to learn the hard way. People who don’t know do see anything different, you don’t, you still look the same, are the same nothing physical changes about you. But then everything seems to change.

Another knock was when I found out that not only could I not live in America I couldn’t even enter the US as it is illegal for me to do so. To others this might not be such a big thing, I can fully understand that but to me it was my only life decision, I didn’t have a back up plan, this was it!

When I felt strong enough within myself to start dating I had a few knock backs. Having to lay your cards on the table to someone you have just met, that ‘I know its only our first date but I need to know if you want to go any further as I have HIV and you need to be aware of this before we sleep together‘. Doesn’t always sit well with everyone, which I can fully understand when you have just met someone.

But in all this sadness there has been a happy ending. Five years down the line I have met someone very special who didn’t even take a second glance when I told them. We have been together almost a year now and live together and are planning a happy future together. Things seem so much more in perspective and I find it easier not to let it dominate my life, I cant.

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Eric

I still remember that day. This handsome, young man came to me, and asked me if I wanted to have sex with him. He came close to me, and cuddle my head. Back then I was 18 years old, I did not know he was infected. He looked so cute and his appearance definitely fooled me. I was so stupid. How naïve to listen to an adorable stranger.

I hate myself! How could I have been so careless, and let him have oral and anal sex with me. He told me that he was not +. In fact, he told me that he was 19 years old. My first time having sex and BANG. I am infected with HIV! I should have used a condom. Why did I not? I did not have one with me, and he said, “do not worry; you will not get infected.” He treated me so kindly, and I thought I found someone who can take care of me. BUT! He lied and now I have no one.

I am a Chinese-American, and my parents will not happy when they find out that I am HIV +. I hope my story will teach people to avoid having sex with others based on their appearance.

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Lawrence

Hi i am a married man with two beautiful kids and my wife loves so much. I know she is faithful to me, we have been married for six years now. I cheated to my wife last year 2009. I was hanging out with this lady she is pretty and intelligent and you can't even see if she is sick. Okay let me get straight to the point, for the first, second and third time i used protection. But for the 4th and fith time i didn't use protection and i don't know what went through my mind.

In December i have asked her to come with me to do HIV test. She fought with me and asked me 'why are you asking to go for an HIV test? Then it means you don't trust me'. She then told me to leave her alone but i insisted and forced her.

We went for HIV test on the 21st december 2009 guess what my result were negative and she was positive. You know i felt like i can kill myself that day. I didn't know where to go i was going mad and then thinking of my wife and my little kids (girl 5 yrs old, boy 8months old). You know i felt like the world was over but i went for counselling and then i went to the pharmacy to get something that can prevent the infection. I bought aspen lamzid which I'm taking now and i going back in march to do the HIV test. 

The problem is that i can't cope now especially when i face my wife. I am thinking of that thing and she asked me to go with her for HIV test month end Jan 2010. I am comfused and i don't know what to do. i am first born in my family and I have 3 younger brothers that are coming after me.

I'm just waiting for to do another test, if i find out that i am positive what should i do cause i don't want to loose my wife

AVERT.org: Unfortunately, there are no known medicines that can prevent HIV infection. As such, the only prevention that is available is correct and consistent condom use. 

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Innocent

Yap, i am called innocent, i actually took a voluntary HIV counseling and testing after i had realised my wife was going out with other men and guest what, the answer was HIV positive. I did not react so much but only thought of styling up my life so that i live a little longer, i left drinking and i had never smoked and the last thing was to give my life to God.

I have already lived for 8yrs on ARV and i dicided to leave a hard work for a smaller voluntary work for an orgnisation caring for children living with HIV.

I really enjoy my work mostly when talking to this children, we share a lot and through that i have managed to cope up with the situation, my life is easy and i know i will blow a lot of candles to come. Brothers and sisters outside there stick to your goals even if you test positive and if you have not tested its wise you test early. For those who do not have the virus take great care and never get it, let it end with us. God bless you all.

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Jkay

on Janurary 4th, at 7pm I found out I was HIV positive....Like I always do, I get a yearly STD check and on this particular day I decided to get tested...The news got broke to me and I like everyone else on here I felt like my life was OVER!!!!...I mean the first thought that came to my mind was my grandmother...I didnt think she would take it well but at the same time I wanna tell someone. But i cant becuz my family will be hurt...

I became HIV postive from having unprotcted sex with someone i really liked and wated to please in order for him to like me but it didnt happen that way and i think it could have been prevented if only i realized i didnt know this dude and i'm letting him sex me unprotectivly...So now its like OMG!!!...I have Hiv!....I felt i wasnt goin to live long enough to enjoy my life,

My sisters and brothers will fell like there older brother let them down and my social life is no longer a social life. It hurts to feel like this and to think about so much stuff. I'm like okay, dude!...You always said if there was a time that you did become positive, your still going to live your lie to the fulliest and thats what i'm doin...LIVIN!!!

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