Soweto

I’m a 21 year old living in Soweto, i found out last year that I was positive well im not scared of the virus and I’m no different from any other people. I really want to start a family of my own one day but i don’t know if i should tell my partner about my status, couse I’m afraid I’ll lose him and i don’t want to loose him. I’m living a normal life but i don’t know whether I’ll live it to the fullest. Hope one day ill find the courage within me so that i can tell my partner and deal with the results there after.

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Icrowe

Today, I am a person living with many health issues. I also worry about the many obstacles that life has dealt me in the past and currently. I feel very deeply about my health, state of mind, and my outlook on life as I live it and see it.

I am HIV positive. I have known for about three years now, I also live with high blood pressure, anxiety, and depression. I am also in recovery from thirty plus years of drug and alcohol abuse. I have been drug and alcohol free for five years. Since then, I have found a better way of living.
It takes a lot of will power just to get through each day. Most importantly, I have to listen to my psychologists, my physician, my friends at NA meetings, and those that have worked with others whom suffer from some of the issues that I face on a daily basis.

By utilizing the resources that are available to me, I have learned to deal with my issues head on. I also had to learn to deal with life as it comes and just take things one day at a time. It is not easy by any means. My health issues sometimes make the simple things in life harder to deal with.

I have had alot of hurdles to cross in life. I am by no means better than anyone else, maybe not better, but certainly different...in so many ways! I am just a better person than what I use to be. In my opinion, anyone that wants to turn his or her life around can do so.

I could not do it alone. Every time I tried to deal with my issues alone, I failed. Each day, I continue to get support from those that love me and care about my well being. My road to recovery is not over, it will be a journey for the rest of my life.

I am looking forward to whatever challenges that life brings my way because; today I have faith in God! God had placed people in my life to help me get through my challenges. In turn, I have dedicated the rest of my life to reaching out to others in every way that I know how too. I think the best way for me to do that is by sharing my story with others. I also work daily at Heartland CARES, a non-profit, HIV clinic.

I don't have all the answers and I am not a doctor but, as a person overcoming a lot of obstacles and stigma, I have compassion and feel that I can reach out to others.

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True Star

It was like any regular day for me I was in school waiting for my classes to start. So I noticed that people were giving out free HIV test to people so I just looked at the booth and turned my head. I felt that I didn't need to take a test because I wasn't having sex at the time with no one. So just to let you guys know that this was in November of 2009, so I was walking pass and this lil old man stopped me and some others and said just take a minute to take a free test. So I said to myself what the heck just do it and tha's what I did.

When I came back for my results I was told it was positive and I knew that I had got it from a previous partner. First thing that came to my mind is that I'm going to die slowly. But my care provider helped me out alot and let me know that this donesn't change my life. I recently wanted my family to know so I had told them in the beginning week of Christmas. Ever since I told them thy have been very supportive and tell me constantly that we will get through this.

I am still very healthy and happy right now but I do get my down times where I may feel depressed by thinking about it. When I told my ex who was the last one I had sex with he said he didn't know. But I didn't blame him because it wasn't his fault I just took responsibility for my actions. We always used condoms but one day it broke and that was the one time it took. Right now I'm talking to someone that I'm very open with and they know I've HIV but they don't let that stop them from getting to know me. All I cansay is think positive and just live your life all yuo have to do is take yo meds and do teh right things for you. We all can beat this and become survivors because I know I will.

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TT...

Hai, dont know where to start.I am a 29 year old health care provider living with HIV for past six months now. I can remember the day I got infected because before then I had been a very careful person. Met a guy and it only took one night for my life to be turned upside down. My CD4 count is still high at above 800, n viral load of 80000, so m still fairly healthy.

What I find scarry the most is diagnosing myself everytime I have a cough, headache and  or blister, everything turns into an AIDS defining illness for me. But the journey is long, n m only at begining n not about to give up on it.

I am sorrounded by a group of wonderful frends who have seen me through it all, n m forever greatful to them. havent been able to tell my parents, but my brothers n uncle know, n the support I have from them is also unimaginable. I love them more day by day.

I also havent felt much rejection, but sometimes one needs to give people space to get used to the condition , n that could easily be confused with rejection. I have loved one person in  my life, and he tries to support me as much as he can, but sometimes I think m too much for him, but the key is he didnt run away after i told him.

My Strenghthas come from God, throughout all the strugles He has continously showed his Love and care for me... He carried me when I could not walk, and He is still right beside me. I have been reborn, and m living a healthy fulfilling life. my aim is to keep healthy and my CD4 up, V/L down, for as long as I can without ARVs.

Life is great....

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Sa.

I am 26 yeas old. I was diagnosed Sept 10, 2009. The last time I was tested before that was in the summer of 2004. Between then and now I have had maybe ten sexual partners and of those, two unprotected. The first, an exchange student in college, and the second the man that infected me. Please understand I spent at least three of those five years celibate.

I had lost my job earlier in the year and spent a lot of my time traveling and visiting friends and family. I spent a month or so visiting a few friends out of town. One evening, an old acquaintance pays a visit to my friends house where I am staying. As we are catching up on old times, there is a bit of chemistry that sparked between us. For the few days that he is in town visiting we mess around. He was a great top and I am an amazing versatile. The second time we had intercourse I noticed that he came inside me. I was pissed because I gave him a condom to put on. I didn't trip too much over it because the sex was good. I will admit I did allow him to penetrate me another time without protection.

Maybe a few days later, I was deathly ill. It started with a fever and aching back which spread to my whole body. I went back to my friends house to take a nap thinking that when I woke up I would feel better. I woke up and it was worse. I took myself to urgent care. I was only told I had a viral infection and given a handful of prescriptions. Three weeks later, I could finally eat solid foods and regained enough strength to make the 7 hour drive home. Several weeks after that I felt well enough to get back out and socialize.

I went to the local bathhouse one Wednesday evening and noticed posters on the walls offering free HIV testing that night at the bathhouse. I saw this as my opportunity. The nurse drew my blood and he told me when to call for my results. The following week I called early in the morning and he told me to come into the office. As I made my way into the office, I knew I was HIV positive. As he went through the routine of informing me and the ridiculously intrusive paper work involved, I just wanted to go back home and cry. I got very silent and withdrew from the conversation. He asked me a series of questions. The one that struck me was when he asked me if I expected the test results that I received. HELL NO!!!! If I had a clue that fool had HIV, I wouldn't have shook his hand let alone a 4 day fling.

The irony for me is I never saw any of this coming. I spent 9 months in 2004 and 2005 caring for my maternal uncle who was HIV positive and died May 10, 2005 of AIDS. I figured I gave my time to this awful disease and now I must give my life. Unlike my uncle I did not give up on life the day I was diagnosed. Everyday after that he attended his funeral, waiting to be put in the ground.

I choose life, there are so many things I have yet to accomplish and I don't plan to stop living until I have. I choose not to hate the man that infected me and I choose not to seek revenge, life will get him in ways I couldn't begin to imagine. I want to live and I can't have a good time when I hold hate and resentment in my heart. Each day I have to face the sobering reality of my condition and each day I let it motivate me to keep pressing forward.

 

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Anon

I was just reading the stories and I felt I needed to share my story. I am HIV positive and its a year today. I told my family and they have been so supportive. I was depressed, lost weight and cried all the time I was so angry. I didn\'t eat go to work for a week. Through Gods strenght I managed to be positive and not see it as the end but begining of a new chapter. I am now engaged to thee most wonderful man. He is caring, understanding and loving. I am now planning my wedding and I have never been happier. I want everyone to know its not the end and they must not give up hope. There are people that will love them and they are all amazing. Remember its ONLY a chronic dieses like all the others.

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Jay

I am 37 years old and HIV posive. I have been in a relationshop for 5 years now and contracted the disease from my partner.  In December 08 I began getting pretty sick and thought it was a bad flew. I lost all my strength to even walk to the bathroom.  After two weeks and lost 5lbs or so, I went to see a quick care doctor.  They gave me a antibotic and sent me home.  The medicine did not work, I was getting worse and loosing more weight and feeling weaker.   I went back a few days later and they changed the antibotic to a different one, still no luck...

At this point, my RN sister out of state was telling me to see my regular doctor and have a complete blood workup done.  I scheduled the appointment had the blood work done, yet another antibotic was prescribed and I wasn't getting better. At this point my illness was about 5 weeks and I had lost a total of 20 lbs...  Headaches, hot and cold flashes and total weakness....

In the back of my mind of was thinking that I could be HIV + as All the symptoms were what I had, but I was in a commited relationship (so I thought) and it was impossible...

My doctor called and I went to see him and he gave me the devistating news.  I thought that my life was over and I should just drive off a cliff...   I was in shell shock and couldn't move.  The doctor was very sympathetic and nice and tried to be there for me, but I was emotionally gone!

I left his office and went to my car and broke down, cryed so hard I thought I would break!  I finally got the nerve to call my partner and told him to come home as I had to talk to him.  He was out of town working about an hour away and wanted to know what was wrong over the phone, I refused to tell him over the phone and made him come home.  That afternoon was the worst... I tried calling one of my best friends who was also HIV +, but was only getting his machine...  I had no one to talk to and was in shell shock... I just thought about my life ending right there and being gone...  My sister was waiting to hear from me about my lab work and was calling several times that day, I couldnt get the nerve to tell her... I remember , I got up the nerve to dial her number and couldn't even speak once she answered.  She knew it was me and said that she Knew and would be on the first flight to Vegas... She was not going to let anything happen to me and She would be there for me... I was balling at this point and couldn't breath...  She was here a few hours later and was my Rock....  She stayed with me for a week and went to the HIV specialist with me and took care of me...  At this point she, my partner, my HIV + best friend are the only ones that know...

I have been HIV + for 9 months now and are on meds and undetectable.  I am healthy and take life one day at a time.  My Partner is also HIV + and also on Meds and undetctable.  I live a normal life other than take meds and be more careful each day!...

It can be such a shock to find out and even bigger shock to make a life adjustment. But it will NOT BE the death of you unless you let it be!!  Thank god for my SISTER, she is the Rock in my life and I love her more than she will ever know...

My other sister and Dad do not know and wont be told unless I feel it is necessary.
Thanks for taking the time to read my story... 

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Stephanie Ann

I am a 28 year old female who was just diagnosed with HIV on September 15th 2009.  Needless to say it is not the happiest news someone wants to hear.  I feel worthless and angry.  I can't understand why me why anyone?  I try to take it one day at a time but that is not going very well.  I can't sleep because its constantly on my mind and it's worse when I do get some rest cause I wake up knowing I have what is called the monster.  Thinking about my future with this virus leaves me full of anxiety.  Smoking weed is the only thing keeping me half sane.  I hate myself for allowing myself to contract this disease.  I hate myself because I am not pretty anymore.  I hate myself because who will ever love someone like me especially now that I have this disease.  I use to dream of falling in love getting married and having children.  Now all those dreams are out the window.  My biggest decision right now in my life is to either take my energy and fight the battle with HIV or just letting it take control of me and just die

For more information about being diagnosed with HIV, please take a look at our Learning you are HIV Positive page.

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Tanya

Hi, my name is Tanya. In Nov of last year I met a man who had everything I ever dreamed of. I wasn't at the time looking for a relationship, but a friendship grew between us and I decided to leave it at just that. His feelings, however, expressed otherwise. He was willing to stick around and wait for me to come around...

In the midst of getting to know each other I asked him one night when was the last time he got tested for HIV, he had said that about 2 years ago and told me he wasn't in any relationship since then. I told him he should get retested and he went to the Dr 3 days later. We had some drinks that night and had unprotected sex.

Days went by and I totally forgot about the test and all about why I had asked him to get tested in the 1st place. We had unprotected sex again that week.
One day I didnt hear from him until late that evening when he called me and told me his Dr told him he was HIV+....my head spun and after that I was in a fog.

I got on PEP (post exposure prophylaxis) and was tested 4 weeks after that. I was HIV-
I had mixed emotions about having a relationship with him and he was devastaded. It weighed heavy on my heart and mind and I considered everything. HIV is no longer a death sentence, with responsibility and cautions we can lead a very fulfilling life. And we have been since then. I did not let HIV interfere with the happiness he could bring me. And I have found love, passion, compassion, peace, fulfillment and contentment that most people only dream of.

I am HIV- living with an HIV+ man. I stayed with him because I fell in love with him and his condition wasn't enough to keep me away. He is my soulmate and I would do it all over again if I could. Don't give up the chance for happiness just because there is a challenge ahead of you. And don't think there aren't people out there willing to take the chance that I did. Don't give up hope. Good luck to us all in this exciting journey.  

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Steph

In the Heat of the Moment

 

In the heat of the moment


There are no mistakes

No ifs no buts just a lot of risk takes



 

There are no bounds, just free movement

And if your ready its instant recruitment


It’s the heat that fuels foolish passion


A disaster in manifestation not ration


But no one wants to think about it


Its lust you’re captive to, don’t want

To aid any aggression

 

There are no word s exchanged

Body language activated


Hormonal response waited


But consequences never anticipated

 

And deadly result is what you’re associated

Heat of the moment, or the moment of heat


You freely oblige instead of retreat



 

But if AIDS are a threat what option do you have

What can you do?

How about killing this heat of the moment

Before it kills you

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CM.

My name is CM, l will be turning 36 this year of our Lord 2009. I work with an Non Governmental Organisation in Zimbabwe.  I tested positive in August 2007. I have two kids, a daughter and a son turning 16 and 10 respectively this year. Their father passed away in the year 2001after being diagnosed with pneumonia. He was not tested for HIV neither did I.

I got into a relationship with another man in 2002 and also got a bit careless in the process by involving myself with another man.I realised that l was putting myself at a greater risk of infection or reinfection and dropped the second relationship especially when l discovered that he had a son who was HIV positive.I later on learnt that this man died in 2004 whilst his son passed away in 2003. It was a difficult time for me , l was too scared to share this with friends so l just kept it to myself.

I continued my relationship with the other man but somehow l just felt that l needed to know my HIV status.I never faced any health problems until 2006 when l started developing some boils one after the other. I remember suggesting to the doctor who was on locum at my doctors clinic, a white doctor who laughed at me when l suggested an HIV test for myself because acoording to him l looked healthy. He however went on to give me the laboratory forms to go for a test. I did not go immediately because l just thought that since the doctor did not suspect it then why bother.

 The following year, 2007 l had two other big boils one on the bums and another one on the leg.It was that time when the crisis was at its peak in Zimbabwe, l could not even get betadine to treat my wound since l did not want to go to the doctor because it was going to turn out to be too expensive.Because the wound would not heal  l had to go to the doctor(my regular doctor) who then treated me and suggested an HIV test. I told her that l already had the laboratory form from last year. I went for the test and it turned out to be positive. My world stopped for a moment, it was difficult to digest. i received counselling from my doctor then went home.

I had to tell my partner about the results, i did not know where to start from. When l told him he got really angry and upset, and he told me that l had been irresponsible and refused to talk to me for a month. In the meantime l went for my CD4 count which was 120  and had to start ARVs. The doctor advised me that it was going to be expensive since l was going to pay for my own drugs, the government scheme would mean waiting for 2 or 3 years to get treatment.The fortunate part is that l have a good job that pays in foreign currency so l can afford even up to now.

I had to take the courage to do counselling for my partner, encouraged him to go for a test and suggested that we practice safe sex. This improved our relationship. My partner went for the test three times and it turned out that he is negative. I was very relieved to hear that he is negative since l was going to feel bad for having infected him.

My partner has been a pillar of strentgh and support to me and my kids, we are happy and l am taking my drugs religiously. I have to buy my drugs from South Africa since it has been difficult to transact in Zimbabwe due to the ever spiralling inflation. I can not also have regular CD4 count and viral load tests because of the cost.

I am not ready to disclose to my children and family for now. I felt so encouraged by the stories that l read from the avert website and would like to encourage other women who don't know their status to get tested. And that all people living with HIV and AIDS will live longer lives.. God will continue to favour and protect us,the same way that he has given me food in a country that had empty shelves and the same way that he has allowed me to have access to drugs in a country that hit the 2 billion % inflation mark, AMEN

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K, a year on..

It’s been a year now since I found out about my status and a lot has happened during that year. I thought it was gonna be easy to accept and move on, but hey, I was kidding myself. I haven’t been in hospital yet, lucky me, but I’ve been in and out of the doctor’s consulting rooms for a couple of times b’coz of stress. I consider myself lucky to have all the support from my doctors, especially a good friend of mine TK, who I consider my brother from another mother, my mother, brother and my sister-friend I told about my status, who also found out that she’s positive too.

During April 2008 I met a beautifully hearted, handsome and wonderful soul (man) who loves dearly. He is an angel sent from heaven to take good care of me. While we were going out I thought about telling him but I delayed b’coz I thot he will reject me. B4 I told him, I made HIV a topic while having dinner, wanting to hear his views on the matter, I was shocked to hear how open-minded he was. His own words were, “If u are not infected, u are affected”. He even told me that one of his best friends girlfriend is positive and they’ve been together for 4 years and they are happy.

It was difficult for me to tell him at first about my status and when I told him, he was happy that I told him and he on the spot he proposed. He ended up telling me about his own condition, he’s diabetic. As I write this letter, we are building our home so that when we get married next year April/May, we should have a beautiful house to live in with our kids that we are planning to have.

What I want to say to all the ladies out there is that, it is possible to find love while living with HIV/AIDS. Just don’t give up on yourself. Live ur life to the full and don’t give a damn about what people say about u. Forgive urself and ask God to give u strength to get thru each day. Remember that u did n’t ask to be in that situation, someone decided for u by infecting u with this dreadful disease.

The last CD4 count test I did was 501, that was in June 2008. I am living my life positively and the best way I can and I am loving it.

TO ALL THE LADIES WHO WRITE THEIR STORIES ON THIS WEBSITE, U ARE MY INSPIRATION.

LOVIES K

Read TK's story below and for more information on the impact of HIV/AIDS in Africa follow the link.

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Bernhard

I am a member of the Positive Speakers in my local support group for people living with HIV/Aids in Namibia.

When I tested HIV positive for the first time I did not believe my result. I had been tested at a private doctor and didn’t get any counselling. I went three times for testing at the local clinics in Walvis Bay. The results were the same.

I thought it would never happen to me because I am Boxer, powerful and strong in my body. It was very emotional and painful for me. I kept it secret but that also caused me pain. I thought that I was going to die and my family and friends were going to discriminate against me; gossip about me.

Then I found a new family through the People Living with HIV/AIDS Support group at the Walvis Bay Multi-Purpose Centre Trust. I can tell you that it is important to join a support group to share your feelings with others. It helped me a lot. After I got support and information from the support group, I decided to disclose my HIV status to my Family.

And on 15 May 2003 I decided to disclose my HIV status to the public. I shocked the world when I announced at a Swakopmund candle light vigil that, I, Bernhard Kamatoto from Namibia, a Southern Africa champion boxer, am HIV positive. When I announced my status, I said to myself that to die is unacceptable and to have people discriminate against me is unacceptable.

This past six years I still live with my people, but I moved from my house to take responsibility for myself. I now rent my own room. I am a father of a 5 year old boy who is also HIV positive and he lives with me. I want him to grow up to live positively with the virus and to protect himself. Having my son gives me the strength to continue to be a spokesman for people living with HIV. I made it my mission to learn to take care of my child and myself.

There have been times when I have been very sick but usually, with healthy living and my medications, I am well and strong. I am one of the lucky ones as I have responded optimally to the medication with no side effects. I know that many people living with HIV/AIDS in Namibia don’t take their treatment correctly because of a lack of information. I have been given a second chance for life with my treatment and everyday I think that my lucky stars are shining.

By becoming a Positive Speaker, the door has opened for me to talk to thousands of people all around Namibia. I remind people that getting HIV is not the end of the road and that there should be no stigma attached to it. I have become a Namibian ambassador and it makes me proud that people recognize me as a brave and valuable person. Many people who have questions about HIV have come up to me or called me, especially men. When I wear my red t-shirt that says Living with HIV, I get a lot of support. Because people know my status I have been able to help those who are scared and alone.

I don't want people to say to my family your child was useless.

Bernhard Kamatoto

Namibia

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A mother, Ethiopia

Dear all, how are you? I want my name annonym and my story out in the open. I am an Ethiopian. I found out that I was HIV+ in April, 07 when I was pregnant. I insisited on getting the test against my Doc's oppostition as he felt that I was a very healthy person. But then I was thinking for my baby.

When I found out, I was shocked but since I had previously all the psychological readiness when I decided to have the test, I managed it very well. I then demanded to have my CD4 count done in May. It was 251 and the Doc said I didn't need to start any treatment. I then decided to deliver with CS (Cessarian Section) and never breastfed. I was given one tablet hours before my CS and a day aftr he was born my baby was given a drop of Neviraprine. Now, I felt that my baby is ok. Atleast the Doc told me that he is 98% safe. Now he is 4 months, healthy and is growing up so fast.

In October I had my CD4 chount and Viral load done. My CD4 is now 659 without a treatment just because I took care of myself after delivery. My viral load is 5952  copy/ml. The Doctor said I am far from starting ARV and that I should just take care.

With my partner (the father of my son), it was very difficult. At first I thought we can never be the same again. But he told me he needed sometime to process the information and he is afraid to take his test. I've been reading alot about the disease and tried to convince my partner. But he said he'd do it at his own time. But he still loves me, we use condoms and are leading normal life.

I told my status to my family except my parents. My sister felt that they might be destroyed with that information and no need to tell them. But  she treats me as if nothing happened. My brother is most educated and understanding. He also monitors my situation and takes care of me. So, I'm now a very happy working mum. I want all you women to be the same. We all have equal probability of death, which is inevitable anyways. Live today and let tomorrow handle itself.

Love you all!!

AVERT.org has more about preventing mother-to-child HIV transmission.

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Paul

Just came across your organisation in the net. I wish to thank you for the effort you have done so far to encourage the infected and the affected. I am from Cameroon and a student and was lately affected by this infection.

My uncle is the centre of the story. The whole quest deals on faithfulness in marriage. He was a young man of about 40 with a wife and four children. He was the hope for many of us in the family. He was a well trained laboratory technicien. He did his courses in Cameroon, worked here for sometime and left for Italy where he studied.

He has been operating his small clinic in one village around, when he suddenly fell sick. No one knew what was happening to him. This just happened at a time when AIDS history in my area was still a mystery. He just died some time after and is then that I knew he had extra marital activities. Right now no body can tell the children their father died of the sickness because I feel that is going to create a negative impact on them.

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